Someone Else's Life
by Hikaru and Kiri
Summary: Hotohori has a secret and Nuriko is the one who finds out what it is.
1. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]

Part One

  


The words were a constant buzzing, a relentless drone that fell unheard, or at least unheeded, on my ears. I really suppose I should have been listening to them. After all, they were matters of the country, my country. But I couldn't concentrate on any of it. My mind was somewhere else.

Miaka. Missing, run to Kutou. What could have possessed her to run off alone? She could be in danger. And I couldn't even go to help her, bound by duty as I was. Wasn't I in love with this girl? Still, I couldn't help her. I was useless.

Sighing inwardly, I raised my hand drawing the glances of those in the room, and, for the moment, silencing the droning voices. Thank goodness.

"Enough of this for now. Nothing of this is new. You know how to attend to these matters. See to them and report back to me later," I said, my deep voice slipping into that commanding tone my mother used to say made me sound like my father.

My advisors gathered their things in a flurry of motion, and bobbing their heads in hasty bows, they scurried from the room.

All save one, that is. My chief advisor remained behind. Perhaps the only one of them I trusted fully, I had known him since as far back as I could remember. He was the only one who knew everything about me.

Poor man.

"Don't get too frustrated with them," he said, placing a hand on my arm. "They're only trying to distract you from your worries, in their own self-important ways." He half-smiled at me but then it faded. "I know you're frustrated about not being able to go after the miko, but don't worry. We've sent the best men we have after her. I know it isn't much assurance to you, but she will be fine. Have faith."

I nodded, vaguely agreeing with him. He was usually at least in part right in most things, and this time was no exception. Dwelling on what had happened wouldn't help, and it was impossible for me to go after her. "It isn't right..."

"I know. But many things in life are difficult, you know that. Certain things are necessary. Miko-sama already has two seishi searching for her. And two others waiting for her when she returns."

I frowned. He was speaking of myself and Nuriko, of course. Nuriko... I hadn't treated him well when he had delivered the news. I had been so angry.... but I shouldn't have taken it out on Nuriko. That was unfair of me. I owed Nuriko an apology.

I stood, the long full robes of my office as emperor swirling around me with the motion.

"Heika-sama?" my advisor asked curiously. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to talk to Nuriko... to apologize for my behavior earlier," I explained, walking towards the door. My advisor nodded in acknowledgment, looking as though he approved the idea. Though I don't doubt he would have approved anything that would have gotten me away from my thoughts, from dwelling on Miaka.

Nuriko. I'd go apologize to her... him... Nuriko.   
  


I wished he wasn't quite so angry. I already felt enough like a failure and his anger and hurt did nothing to improve my mood. Miaka was gone and I had done nothing.

I was in my room, my mood grey, sitting on my bed silently. The lucky bearer of bad news. I guess Tamahome hadn't thought about my feelings when he told me to go back and tell Hotohori-sama that Miaka was gone. It wouldn't have mattered anyway- I was the only one who could go. So I had told him and watched his eyes blaze with anger and frustration, directed at me, because I was the one who had brought the news. It would have hurt anyway, but I loved him, and that made the pain that much worse.

I stood up and walked to my closet, my feet silent on the wooden floor. I rested my hand against the door and pulled it open.

He had wanted to go to Kutou, enemy country, for Miaka, the girl he loved. How could she not love him? He was everything I desired, and so much more. He was kind, gentle, loving, sweet... perfect. And he knew I was a man.

I angrily tugged off my men's tunic then my pants, throwing them across the room onto the floor. It just wasn't fair! Why did I have to be a man? He could never love me because of that. So my love for him was condemned to wither away in my chest until either I died or I found a new love. I had never fallen in love before Hotohori-sama. I doubted that I would fall in love after him.

I took a dress out of the closet and slipped it on, feeling immediately more comfortable. No one at the palace besides the emperor knew that I was a man. Only the other seishi. I didn't plan on letting the court know either. I would not bring shame on my family.

I needed to do something. I was bored already. How had I ever managed to survive boredom that year in the harem before Miaka? I stepped to a mirror, taking my hair and unbraiding it. I brushed it out, watching in the mirror how it shone. I felt so beautiful and I wished he would see me and think that I was. All I ever was or had become was for him. Even just a little, "You look nice today, Nuriko," would satisfy me forever. I sighed, gazing at myself a lingering moment longer, and then turned away, quiet and sad. Without Miaka here, I wasn't a seishi. I was simply a court maiden and my duties as such had resumed. I sighed again. It was going to seem like forever until she came back.

I tied up my hair partially, letting a few dark violet waves trickle over my shoulders and down my back. I would have to see what was now expected of me, my harem duties.

I slipped on a pair of shoes, comfortable and gentle to my feet, unlike those awful men's shoes. I stopped as I heard a sudden tap.

"One moment, please!" I called, expecting it to be a maid telling me my new duties or someone visiting. I slid open the door. Dark brown eyes met mine and I took a step back in surprise.   
  


"Hotohori-sama!"

He looked surprised at seeing me, but then I suppose almost anyone would be surprised if the emperor of the country showed up at their door.

It would have surprised me, had I not been the emperor. I managed to smile at him in a way I believed congenial, but then, facial expressions have never been my thing. I prefer to deal in words; things are much more definite when they're just said outright. "Konnichi wa, Nuriko..." I ventured.

He looked at me, smiling shakily. "Konnichi wa, heika-sama." The words were stammered out, as though forming the sounds was an effort.

For a moment, I considered how to approach the subject of an apology. It wasn't something I was used to. And so, I stumbled straight into it. "I... earlier... I reacted very harshly," I said, my voice gaining confidence and going at a more steady rate as I spoke. "I wanted to apologize for that. I was angry, upset... but I shouldn't have taken it out on you..."

I watched Nuriko, waiting for some sort of reaction. The surprise on his face grew. I suppose he didn't quite believe that the emperor was apologizing to him. "Iie, Hotohori-sama, you were upset... I know you didn't mean anything." He smiled, a warm smile, so unlike the political smiles that are often directed my way. "It's all right."

I smiled back, deciding that my apology had been accepted. It felt as though a burden had been lifted from my chest. Feeling a bit lighter, I immediately ventured into a heavier topic. "Ne, Nuriko... Miaka... do... do you know why she ran off?" I didn't know why I was always so shy when mentioning her name. Was I afraid? I shook my head, forcing myself to pay attention to the answer to my question.

Nuriko had lowered his eyes and he spoke, his voice soft, almost hesitant. Did he not want to tell me? "She said 'Yui-chan' before she went."

I nodded, my eyes going quite serious, in worry, and understanding of the girl's concern for her friend. "Hai... I've been afraid she'd do something like this... for her friend."

Nuriko nodded, still keeping his voice in that quiet tone, as though he were holding something back. "She's sweet like that."

I nodded, trying to kill my frustration. "Hai... sweet... but also foolish... to run with no one to protect her... she's a stranger to this world..."

Stepping back a bit, he nodded, whether in agreement with me or for some other reason I don't know. "Would you like to come in?"

It was then I realized I was still standing in the doorway. Killing a flush that was threatening to rise into my cheeks, I nodded, managing a smile. "Hai... thank you..."

He stepped back a bit more, letting me step into the room. Glancing around in curiosity, I noticed Nuriko had left the door open, most likely to discourage any rumors that might have attempted to rear their ugly heads.

"Make yourself at home." He smiled at me, but it looked a bit forced. "I think Miaka will be fine, heika-sama..." he ventured after a moment.

Grateful for the reassurance, I nodded in agreement. "I hope so..." I trailed off, wondering briefly why I couldn't be as optimistic about this as everyone else seemed to be.

"Trust me. And Tamahome and Chichiri went after her." He flashed another smile at me, and though this one didn't seem forced, it almost looked... pained. I didn't understand, but my thoughts weren't allowed to wander far as he continued. "With any luck she'll be home for supper."

I laughed a bit as I remembered Miaka's ardor for being on time for meals... and showing up anywhere else that food may be present. "Hai..."

"You'll be all right...?" he asked, his voice sounding a bit worried. That surprised me, confused me, and so as usual, I muddled my reply.

"Oh, of course I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be?"

Frowning at me slightly, he shook his head, his voice almost admonishing. "Hotohori-sama... everyone knows how you feel about her. You must be very worried."

I looked at him for a moment, appraisingly trying to figure out something that was nagging me in the corner of my mind. He was right, of course. I was worried sick about her. Miaka. Why did you run off like that? I shook my head. "I am worried, but worry has never killed anyone. I just have to believe that Tamahome and Chichiri will get her back safe and soon." Without me. Without my help.

"They will." The firmness and complete confidence in his voice caught me off-guard a bit, but his conviction bolstered the small supply I had been nurturing in myself. I nodded silently in agreement.

"You're sure you'll be all right?" He still sounded so concerned.

"Of course." I nodded. "I'm positive." I glanced at him for a moment, judging something, weighing it in my mind. I wasn't sure even after what possessed me to do this, but I did. "Ne, Nuriko...would you mind if I asked you a... slightly... personal question...?"

He tilted his head up and glanced at me. Curiosity or something of the like was swimming in his dark purple eyes. "I wouldn't mind..." His voice, I thought, lacked some of the conviction of earlier.

I frowned a bit, trying to figure out the best way to phrase my question. I suppose a moment or so passed because Nuriko began looking more and more nervous.

"When you... well... when you cross-dress... and people think you're a woman..." I began quite lamely, "don't you ever get tired of everyone thinking you're something you're not? Don't you ever want to just scream out the truth? Once and for all?" I blurted it out, the words coming easier once I had set my mind on spitting them out, despite how ridiculous they might sound.

He didn't look at me, but he answered in a quiet voice. "I want them to think I'm a woman, Hotohori-sama."

I blinked, feeling like a complete idiot. What had possessed me to ask that? "Hai... of course...." I smiled sheepishly, hoping I hadn't offended Nuriko. "Never mind then..." I trailed off, glancing around uncomfortably.

"Why?" That one word pulled me from my thoughts. Nuriko was looking at me curiously.

I concentrated on not wringing my hands in front of me. "Because... I suppose I'd nearly go crazy... having everyone think I was something else. Even if I wanted them to... or needed them to," I finished, by that time, twisting my hands in front of me, a nervous habit I seemed to have picked up.

"I suppose you get used to it," he said, flashing a little grin.

I nodded, grinning back. "Hai..." I agreed, my tone a bit more wry than I had planned it.

He glanced at me, curiosity still evident in his wide eyes. "Why? Are you planning on cross-dressing, heika-sama?" His face took on an impish quality and twisted into a mischievous dark smile.

I choked and started coughing. "That'd start too many rumors..." Cough. "Besides I'd make a very poor excuse for a woman..."

"Whatever happened to your being so beautiful?" he asked wryly.

I grinned trying not to look overly mischievous, but, I imagine, failing miserably at that. "Oh, nothing happened to that... I am," I said simply. And it was true. "Just... I don't think it's in a feminine way... do you?" My brows furrowed, thinking that through for a moment.

Nuriko laughed. I was caught completely off-guard. "Of course not. Beauty can be manly or feminine," he said, his smile and mirth fading slightly.

"Ne, Nuriko... arigatou."

He looked at me, raising a ladylike eyebrow. "Hm? For what?"

"You've greatly helped my mood. Thank you. I shouldn't take up more of your time," I said, truly grateful for Nuriko's help in letting me forget my worries for a few moments.

He smiled at me again, that enigmatic sad smile I never quite understood, but he was so prone to giving. "I don't mind at all, heika-sama."

"Thank you..." I glanced back as I headed towards the door, taking one last look around his neat small room. It was minimally furnished but quaint and comfortable, soft looking. I liked it. Nuriko was watching me, no longer smiling, just watching, his deep eyes hiding something I couldn't even guess at.

"If you truly don't mind listening to my ravings," I began hesitantly, pushing back a few errant strands of hair that had fallen into my face, "I'll rant to you again some time." Nodding my head towards him, I thought I saw the beginnings of a smile creep into his delicate features. "Good-bye..." I said as I shut the door behind me, letting it click softly into place before starting towards my own room.   
  
  


Part Two

  
  


Bliss!

I let myself fall back onto my bed, smiling to myself. I felt completely giddy. Hotohori-sama had visited my room! I hadn't even known that he had known where it was! And he had offered to come back! Trying not to laugh aloud, I clutched my pillow, assuredly grinning like an idiot.

It could work! Maybe... he could learn to love me... if I spent enough time with him... He had smiled at me today! I had felt so wonderful! If only I could see that smile directed at me every day... Maybe it could work... if he could just forget that I was a man and let himself start to care... I knew he had no chance with Miaka. And I knew I was only second best- if that. But... maybe...

Nuriko no baka, I chided myself gently. An emperor needs an heir and two men cannot provide that. I sighed quietly. I had already resigned myself to this. I shouldn't allow myself to feel hope that I knew I could never have. But yet... it was nice to dream...

I suppose that even if he did love me back, I couldn't allow myself to respond for the sake of the country- and for his sake. If he ever confessed feelings for me, I would have to turn him down. It would hurt so much, but he had to have an heir. Fortunately, I knew that would never come to pass. Hotohori-sama loved Miaka and his heart was as constant as the tides. I doubt that I should have loved him so much if he were not.

I stood up, smoothing the skirt of my dress and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I should find myself something to do. I had forgotten to ask Hotohori-sama about that when he was here. I pushed open the door and stepped out, blinking in the bright sunshine, waiting for my eyes to adjust.

"Oh! Kourin-san! When did you get back?" chirped a maid who had been passing my room. I felt odd. I had spent the better part of my time recently with people who had known my secret, but here, it was back the way it had been before.

I gave her what I hoped was a gracious smile. "Just a little bit ago," I replied, glancing at the gardens outside my room. "Ne, did you see where Hotohori-sama went? I meant to ask him something."

She looked at me with wide, astonished brown eyes. "You're going to see the emperor?" I suppose a few weeks ago that would have seemed unbelievable to me too.

"Yes," I said, glancing back at her. I knew her better than most of the maids. I had two of my own, whom I had not seen since I had returned. This girl- Yumi was her name- was just a cleaning maid, not an attendant. "I'm a seishi and he is as well. I need to know what my duties are now at court."

She nodded, still gazing at me with awed eyes. "Ne, Kourin-san..."

I had almost started walking again, but glanced back at her. "Hm?"

She reached over the edge of the railing, plucking something off a bush. "Bring him a flower. He must be worried about Suzaku no Miko-sama. This will cheer him up, don't you think?"

I smiled gratefully at her. "Hai... he is worried." I accepted the flower from her. It was a deep red, nearly a purple. I gave her a backwards grin as I started to walk away. "I'll tell him it came from you!" I called back to her.

I knew she would be blushing. She, like most of the females at the court, had a crush on him. She, like me, knew that nothing would ever come of it.

Why did I ever come to court in the first place? Was it for my sister? Was it to escape my family after she died? The point of being at court was to vie to marry the emperor. I couldn't- why was I still here?

I sighed, slightly frustrated at myself for not being able to get that out of my mind for now. I noticed glances from other court princesses- we all had our rooms down this corridor- some friendly, some admiring, many jealous. They all knew whose room the emperor had visited. I passed a guard and nearly laughed when I saw the way he was watching me. I decided to ask him, as I was almost there.

"Do you know if the emperor is in, sir?" I inquired, giving him my best sweet, demure smile.

It was obvious he was still staring at me, for he didn't seem to hear me for a moment.

"Sir?" I asked again, looking up at him.

"Huh? Oh... oh! Yes. Yes, he's in." He blinked and then smiled dazedly down at me.

The emperor isn't the only beautiful man in the court.

I smiled at him again and watched him melt, then continued my way to the throne room, the flower held gently in my right hand.   
  


The sun was shining brightly as I stepped outside, too brightly for my eyes. I blinked a few times, waiting to become accustomed to the light. I hadn't remembered it being this bright out, but then again, I hadn't been in the sort of mood to notice such things.

Miaka. The gods help me, I was still worried about her, but I felt better about it. I couldn't explain it exactly, but even though my heart was still in knots with worry, I could think almost clearly again. Tamahome and Chichiri had gone after her, and somehow... I think I would have known if something had happened to her. I think we all would have; such is the link between seishi and miko.

Or at least that's what I told myself as I strode back to the throne room, still lost, but no longer dwelling in my thoughts. The cool breeze almost reached my skin, even through the thick flowing robes that billowed around me as I walked.

I passed by people whose faces were more or less a blur of bowing heads and lowered eyes. A guard stepped out of my way as I approached the door to the room. I glanced back once at the shining day and opened the door into the dim throne room, a bit reluctantly.

"Heika-sama!" I was greeted by a chorus of voices as I stepped through the door. Doing my very best not to cringe, I stepped fully into the room. Looking at them, I acknowledged them with an all-inclusive glance. "Hai?"

Three of them began talking simultaneously. Their voices sounded tired to me, dull. They seemed, in that moment, ancient and out of touch with the world. I sighed. "Haven't we already addressed these issues?"

"Hai, heika-sama, but we felt that the new dimension that has been added to them by the strange circumstances around the influx of people who have been moving towards the city..." The short man drew himself up to his unimpressive height and did his best to look important.

I nodded vaguely. Figuring I was listening to him, he strove forth into another topic, accompanied by a chorus of affirmations from those around him. I forced myself into listening, or at least hearing them, although, try as I might, I couldn't keep my eyes from straying towards the door.

My thoughts wandered too. Perhaps later I could speak with Nuriko again. I had enjoyed talking with someone near my own age for once, someone who had treated me like a person. The door cracked open silently, not crying out as it often tended to do.

I raised an eyebrow slightly as I saw a dark violet head peek into the room hesitantly.   
  


I peeked my head in shyly, looking for Hotohori-sama. I hoped that the guard had not been quite so overwhelmed that he had been mistaken. But I looked up towards the throne and fortunately saw him there. I smiled in relief and something akin to pleasure as he smiled back slightly over the heads of his advisors.

I shut the door softly behind me and stepped to a corner to wait until he was ready to speak with me, keeping my head bowed slightly. I knew that the emperor deserved my respect more than most anyone else. I did not want to intrude, but it seemed rather necessary. Being useless is not something I enjoy.

Hotohori-sama glanced back to his advisors. "Recheck the records for years past. Perhaps this year isn't as abnormal as we think." I tried to not watch him, but I couldn't help but strain my eyes, wanting to see him, almost needing to. I felt him look briefly at me again and then away, presumably toward his advisors. "And if we could postpone the rest of this until later? There's something else I need to see to..."

I waited silently, feeling enormously shy, trying not to eavesdrop, but being forced by proximity to do so anyway. I kept my eyes down with a good deal of self-will.

I assume that the emperor gestured, because all but one of the advisors suddenly piled out of the room, glancing curiously at me, while trying to look as if they weren't, as they went. I watched them out of the corner of my eyes, then lifted my eyes up, gazing under my dark eyelashes at him.

I kept my voice low. "I'm very sorry to interrupt you, heika-sama." I took a step forward and dipped a quick bow.

"Daijoubu. Actually... thank you for the interruption." He smiled slightly at the obvious glare that he was getting from his chief advisor who was still beside him.

I laughed quietly. "Well, I'm glad I assisted, but that is not why I came." I paused a moment, thinking of how to phrase my request. "I have a slight dilemma."

He glanced at me curiously. "And that would be?"

I looked back at him helplessly. "What do I do now? Do you want me to attend to my harem duties? Does a seishi have other responsibilities?"

He blinked, looking a bit unsure himself. I found that odd. Wouldn't an emperor have supreme self-confidence? "There is no precedent of a court maiden being a seishi... so... I suppose we'll have to improvise."

I gave him a little grin. "Meaning...?"

He grinned back sheepishly. "Meaning that we make it up as we go along, I believe. What were your duties before you became a seishi?"

I lowered my eyes, feeling shy. How could he not know? We were his harem after all. It seemed odd to me that he never visited. Why else were all the royal maidens assembled for him? "Needlework... cooking... sitting there looking pretty..." I paused, thinking. "Mostly waiting for you to visit the harem."

His advisor mumbled something under his breath. All I could make out was something about that being a long wait.

I blinked and glanced at him, curious. "Pardon?" I asked, trying to appear innocent.

Hotohori-sama glared sideways at the advisor, who quickly amended himself. "Iie... nothing, miss. Something caught in my throat. Gomen."

I granted him a sweet smile, completely disbelieving him, and turned my attention back to Hotohori-sama. "As we go along, hm? So what should I do now?"

"What would you like to do?"

I frowned, caught off-guard. "Like to do...? I..." I knew I couldn't say what I'd like to do. I just gave him a helpless glance.

He raised an eyebrow at me, looking almost, but not quite amused. "Well...?"

How could I tell him that I just wanted to spend every moment with him, being with him, loving him, able to tell him so? How could I admit that I wanted to stroke his gorgeous long brown hair, to kiss his forehead gently, to whisper into his ear the deepest feelings I'd ever had in my life? How was I to confess that my thoughts were so often of him, how he was, what he was doing, how he was feeling? I wanted to give him my heart more than anything, but I knew I couldn't. He didn't love me.

I felt disappointed in myself, like an idiot. I was glad he couldn't read my thoughts. "Whatever you want me to do, heika-sama." I lowered my eyes in deference.

He leaned forward in his throne, looking directly at me. I could feel him watching me. "Your harem duties come second to your duties as a Suzaku seishi."

I nodded, still not looking at him. "Of course." I then spoke quickly, to get it out. "But Miaka isn't here right now."

He nodded, lowering his eyes slightly, taking them off me. "True..."

Idiot!! What had I done? What a fool I was! "Gomen," I said quietly, furious at myself. "I'd know what to do if she were here. I don't mean to remind you." I sighed softly as he did not answer me for a moment. I looked up at him silently. He seemed so sad, so young, so hurt. How much I just wanted to go up to him and put my arms around him, to comfort him.

I looked down and noticed I still had something in my hand. "Oh! I'd almost forgotten!!"

A little roused from his misery, he looked up, curious. "What?"

I gave him a shy smile, reached out, and held the flower out toward him.

His face looked surprised, but reached out as well and took the flower tentatively.

I was still smiling gently at him. "It's from Yumi the maid. You might want to thank her later."

He smiled back at me, laying the flower gently in his lap. "Hai... arigatou."

I clasped my hands in front of me. "Well... I suppose I should take it one day at a time. What would you like me to do now?"

He laughed. "Well, certainly not needlepoint... unless you enjoyed it that is..." He made a face, and I wondered if he hated it as much as I always had, and then suddenly wondered how he would know it to hate it. I stifled a stray thought and a laugh. Did emperors learn needlepoint too? He paused and thought for a moment. "I suppose..."

I glanced up, trying to make it look as if I were not, through my eyelashes again. "You suppose...?"

He leaned back on the throne, once again readjusting position, seeming uncomfortable sitting there. "Truthfully, Nuriko, I'd like to keep you close by. I value your counsel."

I suddenly felt my face color. "I... I... if you want... I... I'd be delighted," I stammered out, a little stunned. Me? A counselor? I... would spend so much time with him... was it possible?

I still did not raise my eyes, and kept my voice quiet. "But... it's a little unusual to have a... woman as an advisor, isn't it?"

His advisor smiled at me, his eyes shining with something I didn't understand. "Heika-sama is quite liberal about such issues, aren't you, heika-sama?"

I now raised my eyes to Hotohori-sama fully, a little surprised. Liberal though he be, women were almost never allowed on a council.

He gave his advisor a meaningful glance before he nodded. "Hai."

I watched the looks going between the two and realized that I was missing something rather large. I covered up my confusion by giving them both a quick smile. "So an advisor... meaning exactly what do I do now?"

The emperor paused for a moment, looking pensive, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him. He looked up at me after a moment. "Perhaps you could keep me informed and advise me on the goings on in the court...?"

I gave him a shy quick smile. Court gossip? Easy enough! "I'd be delighted to do so, heika-sama. When should I report to you?"

He smiled back at him, shaking his head. I forced myself not to glow with pleasure. "Whenever is convenient."

I grinned. "For you or for me?"

He laughed and I felt good again. Despite his worry for Miaka, he could still laugh. "When it is convenient for you, come... and when it is convenient for me, I will call you."

Still smiling, I nodded once. "I'll do my best." I gave him a little glance. "Should I make my first report now then, heika-sama?"

He nodded, looking a bit curious. "Hai... if there is something to be reported."

I gave him an impish grin and took a deep breath. "Well... apparently Yumi the maid is in love with you, as are most of the female inhabitants of the court, as well as several male ones that I can name." I gave him a little grin, wondering how he would take that. Miaka had told him that I loved him, but I doubted that he had actually heard her. He loved her so much, and there was no place for me. It was all right. I would manage. "Most of the others in the harem are jealous that you came and visited me... I'm sure they're plotting something to ensnare you... let's see..." I put my hand on my chin, thinking, an unconscious gesture that I picked up from my brother what felt like ages ago. "I suggest you have dinner brought to you tonight so that you aren't molested on the way." I gave him a naughty grin and waited for his reaction.

He blinked for a minute, looking a bit surprised, then laughed. "I'll take that under advisement... thank you."

I laughed as well, delighted. I could be useful! "I believe that is all for now, Hotohori-sama... at least all that I can think of right now." Before he could comment, I interjected quietly, "What should I tell Yumi when she asks about the flower?"

He smiled gently at me. "Tell her I said thank you."

Yumi was going to swoon. I nodded. "I'll do that."

He nodded back. "Thank you." He then tilted his head slightly towards the door. His advisor had been watching us curiously the whole time. I too was curious. Something was amiss and I didn't know what it was. "I'll let you go now... I'll expect to hear from you soon, though, ne?"

I gave him a shy smile. "Of course, heika-sama. I always have time for you. Just call me if you need anything." I bowed slightly and started toward the door, feeling his dark eyes on me until I closed it gently behind me.   
  
  
  


Part Three

  
  


I watched the door click shut behind Nuriko and glanced over to my chief advisor. "'Heika-sama is liberal about such things'?" I raised an eyebrow. "Whatever possessed you to say that?"

My advisor smirked back at me, his familiar face doing its best to look apologetic and hide a devilish grin that threatened to overtake it. "My humblest apologies, heika-sama."

Glancing at him, I smiled. "Humblest apologies?"

"I thought it was a nice touch," he said, smiling back at me. He knew I wasn't truly upset with him. Having watched me grow up, he knew exactly what he could and couldn't get away with. He had guided me through some of the rougher times in my life, after both my parents were gone. And like it or not, I needed his advice on many matters. I was stuck with him.

"You seem to be in better spirits, heika-sama." He looked at me, as though studying my features for signs of subterfuge. "Is that possible?"

I nodded. "It is, and I am." I glanced at the small flower that was in my lap. From the maid, Nuriko had said. I laid it aside on the table gently.

"Well, heika-sama... what will you do now? It appears you have a few moments to yourself..."

Leaning back in my throne, I shut my eyes. "I think I'll just enjoy the silence." I paused. "Or better yet, I'll go for a walk in the garden... if you'll excuse me." I stood. My advisor bowed his head as I walked towards the door.

Outside, the sun was still shining, although it had slid lower into the sky. A soft breeze was blowing through the many trees that lined the path on which I was walking. The leaves whispered among themselves, spreading secrets, rumors that would never reach human ears. I wondered of what they spoke. I laughed at myself silently. Thinking such thoughts. If I were to ever say such things out loud... Well, it was best that I kept my mind's wandering to myself.

I stopped beneath a large tree that sent its branches out creating a shady canopy. I looked up, watching numerous pairs of black pearl eyes peek out at me as the tree's inhabitants checked out the newest invader to their home. Leaning back against the trunk of the tree I sighed slightly and shut my eyes. Sometimes it was nice to just rest.

I stayed there a while, just thinking, enjoying the relative silence. But soon, I knew I had to return. They would be looking for me. And it would be easier if I went to them. I walked back to the throne room and stepped inside. My chief advisor was still there, sitting at a desk, writing something that must have been important, judging by the slow definite way in which he applied the brush strokes. He glanced over at me as I entered, rising and bowing. "Heika-sama."

I nodded towards him, seated myself in the uncomfortable throne, and glanced around.

My advisor walked over to me, stopping just in front of the throne. "Surprisingly enough there is nothing that needs your attention at this moment." He glanced out the window at the sky. "It's nearing dinner time... will you be taking that girl's advice and remaining in this evening?"

I paused for a moment, thinking of what Nuriko had said. I assumed he had been kidding about that part, but I had no desire to go out. "Hai... I think I will..."

Nodding, my advisor turned back to his desk, picking up a bundle of papers. "Perhaps heika-sama should invite someone to dinner so you can have some sort of company. It wouldn't hurt. The pretty child who was in here earlier would come, I'm sure."

I laughed. "You're talking about Nuriko? We're the same age. Nuriko isn't a child."

He smiled and nodded. "True..." He trailed off, but I saw the remainder of his words in his eyes. He still thought of me as a child as well in some ways. Perhaps, in some ways, he was right.

"Hai... I think I'll do that." I called out, raising my voice a bit so it would be heard. A short heavy-set servant bustled quickly into the room, bowing.

"Heika-sama?" he spoke, awaiting my directions.

"I'd like you to deliver an invitation to one of the court princesses to join me for dinner. The one who was here earlier, Nuriko."

"Hai. Right away, heika-sama," he said, bowing again, looking happy to be useful.

I raised my hand, dismissing him and he hurried from the room. I stood slowly, trying to stretch without looking like I was stretching. "I shall be in the dining room then, reading," I explained to my advisor who was already buried in his papers. I think he heard me. It looked like he nodded. Not really thinking about it, I left the room, walking towards the dining room.   
  


I did not skip down the hallway. I did not start singing joyfully at the top of my lungs. I did not smile maniacally at everyone who passed. I merely bowed my head modestly and walked to my room, looking for all the world like a quiet, shy maiden; inside, my heart was soaring.

Advisor! Now I had to see him on a regular basis until he dismissed me! I tried to stifle it, but a little smile escaped to my lips. He had said he valued my counsel! I would do what he requested of me very faithfully, as best as I possibly could. I stopped in front of my room, leaning against the wall, just smiling to myself, quiet in my thrill.

A maid came out of my room, holding some clothes in her arms, presumable to take them to wash. I opened my eyes and glanced at her, still smiling. It was not Yumi, but it was a cleaning maid. I did not recognize her, so she was probably new. She disappeared down the hall and I slipped into my room, closing the door behind me.

I glanced around at my room and began to tidy it myself, disappearing outside for a moment to gather a few flowers. I placed them in a vase on a shelf and smiled. It was too wonderful to be true.

I turned my eyes to the window, gazing out dreamily. The sun was starting to fade behind the trees. I felt a bit hungry as I had not eaten since breakfast. Not wanting to ruin my mood, I remained where I was, leaning my elbows against the window frame, looking out at the darkening red- and violet-streaked sky. A light breeze danced past me, ruffling my hair and stirring my dress. It smelled of roses and water with a hint of supper in it.

There was a knock on my door. Startled from my dazed state, I turned to it and opened it. A man, shorter than me, but certainly not slighter, stood there, his ruddy face beaming cheerfully up at me.

A little unsure, I smiled back at him warily. "Can I help you?"

He beamed at me a moment more, then nodded his head, as if approving me. "You are Nuriko-san?"

I nodded back, a bit cautious.

He gave me another glowing smile. "The emperor requests your presence in his chambers for dinner. Will you follow me please?"

I blinked down at him. "Hotohori-sama wants me to eat dinner with him?"

He grinned and nodded.

I gave him a quick, bewildered smile. "Will you give me a minute then?"

He laughed, a low dry chuckle. "Of course."

Quickly nodding, I shut the door. I flew to my closet, digging through to find my best dress. Dinner! I yanked off the dress I had been wearing and gently slid on the other. It was a little loose. Apparently I had lost weight while running all over the countryside with Miaka. I hurried to the mirror, pinching my cheeks to get some color into them and grabbed my makeup. I lightly coated my lips, darkening them, and lined my eyes to make them look larger, just as they had taught me at court. I brushed my hair through and tied up part of it in a tight bun. I then reached over to the vase and pulled a flower out of it. I stuck it behind my ear, brushing a few strands of my hair out of my face. I studied myself in the mirror silently a moment. It wasn't perfect, but it would have to do. The emperor was waiting.

I reopened the door, tightening the sash around my waist a bit more, and he smiled at me again. For some reason, this man was delighted to have come and seen me. I wanted to find out why. "Nuriko-san, you look lovely," he said happily.

I smiled at him, wondering if I were blushing. "Thank you," I replied, trying to keep my voice low and maidenly. I quickly leaned over the railing as Yumi had, plucking a different flower from another tree. It was dark pink as opposed to the red-violet that Yumi had chosen, the same red-violet that I wore in my hair. He started walking and I followed the customary step-and-a-half behind that a woman must walk behind a man. I studied the flower as we made our way along the corridor and was surprised to note that it was a little rose.

He glanced back at me, smiling. "I'm glad the emperor has chosen such a pretty young lady after so long."

Now I'm sure I blushed. "It's not like that," I protested quickly. "I'm just an advisor to Hotohori-sama."

He laughed merrily. "Don't be so sure. He must think highly of you if he made you an advisor."

I kept my eyes down. "I'm just a seishi, like he is. He has to keep me nearby."

He laughed again, winking at me as he slowed down. "May I come to your wedding?"

I flushed brightly. I could feel my cheeks burning, but I'm not sure with what they were burning. Pride? Hope? Shame? Self-hatred? "No, sir, you don't understand-"

"Here we are!" he announced cheerily.

Flustered and with no other choice, I entered shyly where he indicated, the little rose clutched tightly in my hand.   
  


I had been standing, leafing through a book by the window, trying to catch the dying light so I could read the words on the page. A noise at the door dragged me out of the story. I glanced up. "Konban wa, Nuriko," I said. He looked a bit unsure, or perhaps confused.

He stepped forward, his eyes lowered to the ground in what I had become accustomed to as a sign of respect. "Konban wa, heika-sama."

"I'm glad you could come... I hope I didn't pull you from doing anything...?" I certainly hoped I hadn't imposed on him. He looked different; a different dress and his hair was done up in quite a pretty way so that it fell about his face. Some people just had fashion sense I guessed.

He laughed and shook his head. "From listening to court gossip at best. No, I'm delighted to be here."

I smiled and gestured towards a seat at the table, sitting down myself. "I took your advice about laying low... it seems the more I show my face the more people come up with issues that I need to deal with."

Nuriko stepped forward. Smoothing his skirt under him, his delicate hands brushing across the fabric, he seated himself on one of the chairs. "It must be hard... dealing with so many people all the time. Don't you ever get tired of it?"

I paused for a moment but then nodded. "Yes, but it has to get done. And truthfully in normal circumstances it isn't that bad."

Nuriko raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "Normal...?"

"The palace is in a minor uproar with the disappearance of the miko." I looked down and I don't doubt my eyes darkened slightly. I was still so worried about her. "What with the rumors of Kutou having found their own Miko... everyone is uneasy," I finished explaining, my voice growing a bit quieter.

Nuriko bit his lip and nodded slowly, in something akin to comprehension. "And they all look to you for guidance..."

I nodded again, still feeling a bit subdued. "Granted I'm not even half the age of the majority of them..." I shrugged slightly. "I just wish I could reassure them a bit more... but I'm not quite so reassured myself." I forced a slight smile.

"About Miaka still?" His voice was surprisingly gentle as he asked the question.

Nodding in affirmation, I glanced at him briefly. "Yes, for the most part."

He looked at me, his eyes worried. "Hotohori-sama, I know she'll be fine. Don't you think we would know if she were not? Wouldn't we be able to sense it?"

I smiled at him as he stated aloud the silent thoughts and hopes I had been fostering. "Those were my exact thoughts actually..."

He flashed a smile at me. "Then it's settled. Unless we both know it, then she is fine, ne?" Still such reassurance.

I was somewhere in the process of agreeing with him when I noticed the flower he was holding out. I reached out to take the tiny rose, a bit surprised.

"To cheer you up," he stated cheerfully, smiling at me again and adding, "That one is from me."

Smiling back, I glanced from the flower in my hand to Nuriko. "Arigatou..." I laughed lowly, a strange thought crossing my mind. "This would be the first time I've received flowers from a man," I said as I gently twirled the stem in between my fingers.

Nuriko looked down, going quickly silent. A slight blush had crept into his face.

Glancing at him, I wondered if I had said something wrong. It seems I almost always managed to say something stupid like that. Devoid of other alternatives, I decided to change the subject. "They should be bringing dinner soon, I'd imagine," I ventured, quite lamely.

"Hai." He spoke the word in a quiet voice and without looking up at me, continued. "I'm sorry... it just feels so strange to... be here. And have someone know." I watched him for a moment, wondering...

I smiled at him apologetically. "Gomen." Nuriko must have thought I was a complete idiot. I kept saying the most ridiculous things.

He looked up, his face surprised. "No, no! It's all right. Actually... it's nice in a way. I don't have to pretend."

I nodded in understanding, a smile that I'm sure was a bit wistful, despite my best efforts otherwise. "Hai." I could feel his eyes on me, studying me. I glanced at him hesitantly, shaking my head to clear it as I met his violet eyes. "I really am glad you could come though... You wouldn't believe how refreshing it is to spend time with someone who isn't old stale and musty."

He nodded, still watching me, his eyes not leaving me. Although I didn't show it, I began feeling a bit uncomfortable under that perceptive gaze, as though I thought he might see through all the illusions I had built protectively around myself. But instead, he spoke again, his voice still quiet. "Do you ever get lonely? I'm sure most people are somewhat afraid to approach you." He looked away from me, dropping his eyes. "I know I usually am."

The question surprised me and I found myself gazing at him for a moment, all words lost to me. "Hai... people are afraid, I suppose."

Turning his eyes back up to me, he just looked at me, silent, watching. "But you aren't frightening... you're so kind to everyone.

I tilted my head to the side, a habit I've become accustomed to doing when musing over something. "Maybe that's why they're afraid... I don't think they know what to expect of me. I-" My words were interrupted by the opening of the door. A handful of servants bearing trays poured into the room, quickly setting the food on the table. Nuriko kept his eyes on the table, looking neither at me nor the servants, for the moment, being the demure maiden they thought he was.

I kept silent as well, watching as things were laid out. In only a moment's time, the servants exited the room, shutting the door softly behind them.

Nuriko looked back up at me, his face strangely guarded. "Isn't there anyone that you can talk to then?" he asked, slipping straight back into the conversation.

I paused for a moment, thinking. "My chief advisor... he listens..." I smiled. "But you may have noticed he's a slightly sarcastic, caustic man. Indispensable of course, but sarcastic."

He laughed quietly and then tilted his head to the side, slightly, once more studying me with those unnervingly bright, wide eyes. "What was that he said about you not visiting the harem? When he said he had something stuck in his throat?"

I nearly choked, but managed to cover it fairly well; at least, I thought so. "He has it in his head that I'm the only emperor who has ever or will ever be that doesn't visit his harem. I think he finds it amusing."

Nuriko smiled slightly and looked down yet again. "I don't mean to intrude... but perhaps you should. Not for... well, _that_... but we're all-" He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "They're all there for you. And some of them are lonely too." His eyes remained focused on his steaming food.

I watched him for a moment, thinking over his words. "Hai... perhaps you're right..."

Smiling slightly, he glanced up. "They'll be delighted to see you if you do."

For the first time I took notice of the food in front of me. Picking up my chopsticks, I tentatively took a bite of the hot food set before me.

Nuriko lifted his chopsticks, tasting the food as well. His eyes widened in surprise. "This is _good_!"

I nodded, pleased he liked it. I swallowed what was in my mouth and was able to answer. "Hai... the cooks have outdone themselves tonight," I said, impressed with the food myself.

He smiled up at me, his face looking pleased. "It's truly excellent... will you send them my compliments?"

I nodded. "Hai... I will."

"Thank you." He paused for a moment and then spoke up again, his musical voice questioning. "Ne, out of curiosity..."

I glanced at him questioningly. "Hmm?"

"Is that what you do all day? Listen to them like that? What do you do for fun?" Those were not questions I had been expecting. They threw me off a bit. Partially because I couldn't think up an answer right away, and partially because I'd never expected anyone to care enough to ask me that.

So I blinked. "Fun? I practice my swordsmanship... I read..." I smiled briefly. "And when I can escape I just walk outside... especially on days like today..." My smile grew as I thought back on the sunshine and the breeze that the day had brought.

Nuriko smiled back, turning his gaze towards the open window. "It was lovely... but..." He stopped.

I looked at him waiting for him to finish his thought. "But...?"

He glanced up to me. "This would be the kind of day you would want to spend with Miaka, isn't it?" It wasn't a question. I could tell by his tone. It was a simple statement.

I just looked at him for a moment, unsure of how to answer. "Hai... demo..." Sadness struck hard at that moment, I tried to cover it with a quick smile, but I'm not sure I quite managed. "I doubt she'd want to spend it with me. She has other... interests... and truthfully, I don't blame her."

He frowned at me slightly. "Hotohori-sama... you shouldn't think like that."

"Like what?"

He looked at me, worry in his clear eyes. "I'm sorry. I spoke out of place."

I shook my head. "Iie... daijoubu. You were speaking honestly. Honesty is never out of place." And truthfully, I did appreciate his honesty. I had to deal with half-truths and sugared reality from so many people.

He frowned again, this time not looking at me. "Don't be discouraged, please..."

I sipped at my drink, letting the cool liquid pass over my lips and down my throat. "Discouraged?"

"About Miaka." He still wasn't looking up and his voice was quiet.

I smiled slightly at this, albeit a bit sadly. I gazed into my glass, looking at my reflection in the clear liquid. My dark brown eyes looked a bit distant even to me. "I'm not..."

"I... I thought you loved her... I don't understand..." He looked at me, his eyes clearly confused.

"I do love her.... and she doesn't love me." I smiled slightly, still looking into my glass, pausing slightly for a moment before continuing. "But she has found love in someone else... and I think she's happy. How can I be discouraged when she's happy?"

There was moment of silence. Nuriko lowered his soft violet eyes, looking a bit unsure, maybe even a bit stunned. He spoke, his soft voice hesitant. "Are you happy then?"

My eyes finally looked up at him, away from my drink. "Why wouldn't I be happy?"

Still eating, he shook his head slightly, a confused gesture perhaps. "I... I don't know."

"Hmm... neither do I." I flashed a quick half-smile at him.

Frowning slightly at me, he turned his eyes back up to me. Even when I looked away I could feel him watching me. I glanced over at him, curiosity covering my face. I raised an eyebrow slightly in question. He smiled at me again. That smile. Confusing, mysterious as always. "You're a very complicated person, Hotohori-sama."

I blinked in surprise. "Am I?"

His smile grew into a true smile. "Very." He laid down his chopsticks, his dinner finished. "But I'm glad. No one wants to see you sad."

I smiled slightly at this but didn't say anything back.

He stood slowly, his long skirts swirling about him. He looked away from me and towards the door. "I should go... you don't need me wasting your time with my prattling. Thank you very much for the delightful dinner."

I smiled at him slightly again, a bit disappointed to see him going. "And thank you for the company. I appreciate it very much," I said truthfully.

He inclined his head slightly towards me and smiled a shy smile. "It's there any time you want it."

At this, I smiled fully. "Arigatou." I stood as well, picking up the delicate flower I had been given as I did so. "I trust I'll hear from you again soon, then?"

His face worked itself into a mischievous look. "Of course... I'm your palace spy now."

I raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Was that the official title we decided on?" Shaking my head slightly and sending my hair falling forward over my shoulders, I smiled. "Oyasumi, Nuriko."

His grin grew at the comment. "Ii yume, heika-sama," he replied, stepping towards the door. He disappeared out the door into the slowly darkening evening. He called out behind him though, loud enough for me to hear. "Don't let your flower die!"

I laughed slightly again and glanced at the flower in my hand, turning it over gently in my hand, thinking. I stood there for a long moment, letting my thoughts sort out in the silence.   
  
  
  


Part Four   
For [Akira][2] and [Ayame][3]

  
  
  


I dropped onto my bed without bothering to undo my hair or to take off my dress.

Nothing. Nothing. Not a compliment. Absolutely nothing. Just... he loved Miaka.

I buried my face in my arms. Why did it hurt so much? I knew nothing could come of my love. It was foolish to torment myself further. But I couldn't stop. No matter what, I loved him with all my heart.

A tear escaped my eyes and I angrily brushed it away. Stupid!! Why couldn't I realize that love wasn't for me? He would never love me, could never love me. Only Miaka. Only ever Miaka.

I sat up and took the flower out of my hair, gently placing it back in the vase. I wasn't sure why I had even bothered to look my best. He hadn't noticed. I was nothing to him. I slid out of the dress quietly and arranged it carefully in my closet. I wasn't sure I would wear it again. I wiped my face with a cloth dampened in the little basin of water by the mirror. I glanced at my reflection, the sad, quiet face that looked back at me, the red-rimmed eyes, the disordered hair. I pulled on my robe and slid into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin tightly.

I had to come to terms with it. I had to accept it. He would only ever love Miaka, and I was not Miaka. I was being selfish to even hope for more.

It was actually interesting to spy for him, as I teasingly called it. He liked to hear stories of the court. It must have been an almost alien world to him. It was something he had never encountered, trapped in the life of a politician.

Several days passed in this way, my days shining brightly with Hotohori-sama, my nights darkened with my own personal misery. I never let him see that, never told him my feelings. My job was to bring him news of the court, to help his mood, not to be an extra burden to him. I told Yumi that Hotohori-sama was grateful for the flower and she blushed scarlet. He had the power to break too many hearts.

The other maidens had started to treat me a little differently because of my association with the emperor. I had never been great friends with any of them, but they were all being a bit colder towards me. I was slightly worried, as I knew that jealous females could be extremely vicious. I never told Hotohori-sama this either.

I was wandering down the hallway, twisting the end of my long braid in my fingers. My mind was mostly unfocused on where I was going, but instead was idling about how nice the gardens were... and how nice it might be to take a walk there with someone... maybe someone tall... with long dark hair... and kind brown eyes... and-

"DA!" A grinning face dropped out of nowhere and popped into mine.

I yelped and scrambled backwards, tripping over the hem of my long skirt, and fell down hard.

He blinked at me. "Anou... gomen nasai no da, Nuriko-kun."

I glared darkly. "Chichiri..." I started threateningly as I carefully stood up. I then suddenly remembered. "How's Miaka?" I demanded, lunging toward him.

He stared at me, trying to inch away. Embarrassed, I let go of his shirt, cleared my throat, and smiled weakly at him.

I tried again. "Konnichi wa, Chichiri! Any word on Miaka?"

He gave me a wary smile back. "Hai. She and Tamahome-kun are at Taiitsu-kun's place no da. Everyone is fine no da."

I grinned, excited. Hotohori-sama would be so pleased! I started to run to the throne room to tell him. "Thank you very much, Chichiri!" I called back happily.

I threw open the door, looking around for him. I saw only his chief advisor, whose name, I had learned, was Akito. "Where is he?" I called hurriedly, breaking nearly every rule of maidenly politeness that I had been taught.

He stared at me much as Chichiri had. "He's... in his chambers," he said, frowning slightly. "But he-"

"Thank you!" I called back to him, for I had already started running again, this time towards the emperor's rooms.

"Nuriko-san, wait!" the advisor shouted after me, but I barely heard him. I was too busy shouting myself.

"Hotohori-sama!" I cried out, nearly there. "Hotohori-sama!"

I skidded to a halt outside his door and flung it open.   
  


Sleep was a long time coming that night and when it finally did come, it brought with it strange dreams. Faces swirled in front of my eyes and voices spoke. Some I recognized. Others were strangers to me and yet so familiar...

I woke the next morning nearly as tired as I had been when I had gone to bed the night before. Daylight danced through the window far too cheerfully and spilled across my face. And so I rose, dressed, going through my morning routine. A few days passed like this. The tedium of the days of decisions and worries about the country, about Miaka, passed uninterrupted except for the small breaks of bright cheeriness that managed to work their way into my days in the form of Nuriko's reports.

It had been a few days since the news of Miaka's disappearance had reached my ears, since Nuriko had become my palace spy.

"I think the tide of mindless boredom has just left you, heika-sama," Akito, my chief advisor, remarked as the last of a long line of advisors walked out the door. Not even glancing up at me, he continued writing in his careful measured hand. Even so, I could see the smirk on his face. "If you want to escape, I suggest you do it soon..."

I smiled slightly. "Is that your professional advice?"

"Always, heika-sama. My modest opinion, that is." He glanced up at me briefly to smile his wry smile and then went back to his work.

I stood quickly and began heading for the door then. "I think I'll take that advice then. I'm going to go change and then pay a visit to the harem, I think."

Akito coughed and looked at me incredulously.

"Not for that!" I said holding up my hands and laughing.

"I should hope not..." Akito murmured quietly. Ignoring him, I opened the door and walked towards my room, removing my crown and letting my hair fall down about my shoulders.

I slipped inside my room and out of the cumbersome robes that marked me so vividly as emperor. I'd wear something a bit less conspicuous and hopefully I'd be able to blend in. Hopefully.   
  


"Hotohori-sama!" I called, grinning, but then my smile froze. My entire body was unmoving, my mind trying to understand what my eyes were seeing.   
  


The door was flung open before I could say anything. I looked up and found myself staring at Nuriko. I held my shirt limply in my hand, and stared at him completely uncovered for a moment, surprised and frozen.   
  


It took me a moment, just gazing blankly, my mind completely empty, impenetrable. After a second, but what felt like an eon, I recovered. "Gomen nasai!!" I said frantically and spun around facing the other way, shaking slightly.   
  


Realization sunk in hard. I whirled, turning my back towards him and wrapping my arms about my bare chest. He had seen. He knew my secret. Gods... oh gods... My mind swam, jumping from frantic thought to frantic thought.   
  


My face was burning. Very quickly, I announced what it was I had come to say. "Heika-sama, I apologize for the intrusion. I came to say that Miaka is fine. She is at Mount Taikyoku with Taiitsu-kun."   
  


As quickly as I could I wrapped a robe tightly around myself and turned back to Nuriko. Relief at the news was washed over by the apprehension I was still feeling. I tried to speak but my throat was tight and no sound would come out other than a pathetic little squeak.   
  


I couldn't believe it. I couldn't accept it. This wasn't right. My mind refused to believe what I had seen, and yet I had seen it. "Hotohori-sama?" My voice was a frightened, weak sound, not like my normal tone. I winced at it and waited for the response.   
  


Forcing myself to breathe, I took a hesitant step towards Nuriko, my robe clutched tightly shut. "Please... I... I can explain this..." I managed to choke the words out in a whisper. I couldn't believe this was happening. I could almost feel my world crumbling beneath my feet.   
  


It was taking everything I was not to go over and hug the emperor tightly. "Hotohori-sama... don't. I won't tell. I promise." My heart was pounding. How could this be?   
  


I nodded, a small trickle of relief working its way into me. Trying to calm down, I nodded a bit numbly. "Thank you..." I wished my voice weren't shaking half as much, but I couldn't steady it anymore than I had.   
  


It wasn't true. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. "Just... I thought you might want to know. About Miaka, I mean." My voice still sounded nowhere near normal, but it was getting closer. It couldn't be true.   
  


I nodded. "Hai... thank you for delivering the news." Normal conversation. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. He knew. He'd seen what only two other people living knew. "Nuriko..."   
  


I had been stepping toward the door when Hotohori-sama said my name. Again, I froze. This changed everything! What was I going to do? What about Miaka? A little nervously, my voice weak, I asked, "Hai?"   
  


I shook my head. What could I say? "I... I know this looks bad. But there are explanations... I... I..." My voice broke off. I couldn't... Why did this have to happen?   
  


I tried to make my voice soft, gentle. "Hotohori-sama... you don't have to explain to me. You don't owe me anything." I took a step forward, then stopped again. "Do you want me to go?"   
  


I stammered, the composure I usually manifested falling to pieces at my feet. "If... if you want." I managed to keep the desperation from my voice, mostly. "Just... please... no one can know. Please. Please."   
  


I wanted to die. The emperor was begging me. Me. I was nothing. I kept my voice as steady as I could as I spoke. "No one will ever know from me, Hotohori-sama. I swear it."   
  


I still couldn't breathe quite right. The feeling in my chest wouldn't go away. I had been afraid before, but never this badly. This could destroy me. And worse, it could destroy the names of my father and my mother who had died. I didn't know what to do. Nuriko wouldn't tell anyone, but he knew. If he had found out... other people surely could. I sank down to my knees as reality crashed through my illusions, driving the shards of shattered lies into my skin.   
  


I turned my head slightly to glance back and saw, kneeling, the emperor of the entire country. And with what I knew, I was most likely the dangerous man there was. I couldn't even touch-

No... no... everything was wrong now.

I turned my face toward the door, stepped out, and shut it silently behind me. Tears were threatening my eyes and I had to escape. Everything was destroyed. My world seemed to be drowning and I couldn't do anything to stop it.   
  


I heard the door click, but nothing of it registered. I stared at it silently for a moment, thinking. Forcing myself to my feet, I quickly got dressed, going through the routine, taking some comfort from it, from the familiarity. Angry. I was so angry. Not at Nuriko. At myself. My parents. My life. I was angry at the gods and fate, but once again I found myself useless. I finished dressing.   
  


I didn't mean to start running toward my room, but suddenly I found myself there, tears streaming down my face. I let myself in and collapsed, kneeling beside my bed, burying my face in my arms. It was impossible. It couldn't be. I...   
  


I stood, not caring what I looked like. My clothes were hastily put on and my hair was loose and wild. I didn't care. I stepped out my door, eyes dead to the world, and began walking towards Nuriko's room. I wasn't sure why I was going there. But that was the direction in which my feet took me and so I went.   
  


Through my tears, I vaguely recalled hearing Hotohori-sama's advisor, calling my name, telling me to wait. I was such a fool. Why hadn't I listened? Why did I always have to be so rash?   
  


I reached his door. I still wasn't sure why I'd come or what I intended to do or say. I didn't care. Gathering the small scraps of courage I had left, I knocked on his door, softly, hesitantly.   
  


I was tempted to ignore it. I was very tempted. I looked like a wreck; I was sure my eyes were very red and my face hideously blotchy, but I dragged myself up anyway. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I prayed it was just a maid. I made my way shakily to the door and slid it open, glancing up to see who it was.   
  


I couldn't look at him. Not then. So I watched the ground quietly. "I... that is, we... need to talk." My voice was quiet, flat-sounding. I was surprised at how hollow it sounded to my own ears.   
  


Of course. Who else would it be? I dropped my eyes as soon as I saw who it was, and stepped away to allow room to move inside. "Shall I shut the door?" I asked quietly, my breathing slightly irregular.   
  


I nodded. "Please."   
  


I nodded back, a little afraid of the rumors that would start. I choked back a wild laugh. It could be true this time, though, those horrible rumors. I shut it tightly, then turned, keeping my eyes on the floor.   
  


"You saw." The words weren't harsh or accusing. Just simple. A statement. There was no use casting blame. Any fault was my own.   
  


I flinched. "I'm sorry... I... I..." What could I say? There was nothing that I could do to change it.   
  


"I'm sorry you had to. I'm afraid you're part of the lie now." I looked at him sadly for a moment before looking away quickly again.   
  


I couldn't look up. My chest felt tight. I just wanted to forget everything, to forget this entire day. "Hotohori-sama," I started, my voice soft and trying to sound gentle, "please don't be sorry. I... I... just..." I stopped. I couldn't ask that.   
  


I smiled ironically at him. "Do you want to know why?"   
  


Silently, ashamed, I just nodded, wishing I could look up.   
  


"It wasn't my choice. It was made for me, when I was barely a few days old. Father decided it and Mother complied. She had to." I sighed slightly. "Only a man is allowed to rule a country, you see." I paused, unsure of where to go from there.   
  


It was impossible... I couldn't accept this. "But... don't you have a brother? A half-brother?" I had my arms wrapped tightly around myself, forcing myself to stop shaking.   
  


I nodded. "Hai, a half-brother. He was the child of a wife who wasn't my father's favorite. That was my mother..." I sighed and finished quietly. "I was her only child."   
  


I nodded slowly, understanding. "So you were chosen..." I took a step closer, wanting to comfort, almost needing to. Keeping my voice gentle, I continued. "Who else knows?"   
  


I smiled slightly at him. I don't know why. It was a sad smile at best, but still... "My chief advisor, myself, and one other who isn't at the palace. And now you." I looked at him, eyes studying. "No one else can know... if it were to be found out that... that I was a woman... I..." I broke off, unable to continue.   
  


I raised my eyes to her, wanting to hold her tightly, keeping myself away. I did take a step forward. "Hotohori-sama... please don't worry." I tried to meet her eyes. "If you want, if it makes you feel better, after we call Suzaku, you can kill me." My voice was steady finally. I honestly meant my words. If she wanted me to die with her secret, I gladly would.

Thoughts were percolating through my head at the same time. Hotohori-sama was a woman... I was a man... that meant...   
  


My eyes widened. "Kill you?" I looked at him, my eyes meeting his. "I could never." I managed a shaky smile. "After Suzaku is called, it shan't matter who knows. My job will be done then."   
  


I watched her, my eyes serious, and took my sleeve and wiped them again, gathering leftover traces of tears. "Your job will be done...?"   
  


I nodded. "Hai. Suzaku will have been called and the country will be safe." That was what mattered, what my mother had always told me. Take care of the country. Watch out for its people. And I would, no matter what. Even if I were frightened.   
  


I took another step toward her. "The country still needs a leader." I glanced toward the window, almost wishing for freedom, but for some reason, not so scared anymore. It didn't matter what happened to me. "You're the best leader this country has ever had." I turned my eyes back to her. "Please believe me."   
  


It surprised me, the sincerity in his voice. There were no accusations, no condemning. "A... arigatou..." I whispered out, still watching him, my dark eyes curious as to why. Why was he still being so kind? He knew my secret. He knew my life was a lie, and yet...   
  


I lowered my eyes. "Ne... what about Miaka? You love her..." I was afraid I didn't want the answer. My heart was suddenly pounding with hope. A woman! I killed my rising joy by remembering how she must feel, and waited for the response.   
  


I sort of smiled at this. "Hai... the emperor is expected to fall in love, ne?" I sighed softly. "And I do love Miaka. She's perhaps the one person whom I thought could understand me." I looked at him. "But now you know why I could never truly fall in love with anyone. Not in that way. And who safer to have some sort of love for than a Miko? A virgin priestess? Who loves someone else." I smiled a bit sadly, relieved at having finally just spoken it aloud.   
  


I felt my throat tighten. Of course. It was still foolish to hope. I was still nothing. This really didn't change anything. "I understand," I said, for I really did. But there was something nagging at the edge of my mind... something...   
  


I sighed softly. "Thank you... for keeping my secret. For not hating me."   
  


I jerked my eyes up. "Hate you? I... I could never..." I stared at her in shock, wishing there was something, anything, I could do. She looked so defeated, her whole posture, and it was my fault. I said it again. "I could never hate you. I-" I broke off my words suddenly. They seemed so natural to me, but truly nothing had changed. I would never be able to say it.   
  


I studied him silently for a moment and then brought my eyes up to catch his. "Thank you." My voice was a bit more sure now, although still soft. I moved my shoulders in a shrugging motion, feeling a bit awkward to say the very least.   
  


I tried to give her a reassuring smile, unsure how well it was working. "Ne... I'm sure your advisor is looking for you. He... he might know." I couldn't meet her eyes. "I'm very sorry, Hotohori-sama."   
  


I nodded slightly, straightening myself up. "I'll go to see him then." I smiled at Nuriko a bit, sadly, slowly. "Don't be sorry. It's over and nothing can be done. It wasn't your fault." I stepped towards the door, reaching out for the handle.   
  


Something was still bothering me. Something... I couldn't quite...

I lifted my eyes suddenly. "Hotohori-sama!"   
  


I half-turned, glancing at him over my shoulder questioningly. "Hai?"   
  


I was frowning, the thought having solidified in my mind. It was hard, however, to force it out between my lips. "Well... when Miaka wanted to go home... I... well... we all saw you..." I stopped. That sounded terrible, but it would have to do. I hoped she understood.   
  


I couldn't quite keep myself from smiling at that. The fear of earlier was quickly fading into a remote corner of my mind as I realized that my secret was safe with Nuriko. And he wasn't judging me. I was still surprised by that. "Hai... That was Taiitsu-kun's doing. She's the only other person who knows about me. Believe me, I was as surprised as everyone else." My smile fell slightly. "She's a master at illusions. Even I would have been fooled..." I broke off.   
  


I gave her a little smile. "You are doing an excellent job. I think your parents would be proud of you." I stopped for a second, a momentary pause. "No, I know they would be proud."   
  


I smiled back, feeling a slight blush threaten to creep into my face. I pushed it back quickly. It had been entirely too rough a day if I was on the verge of blushing. Too many things at once. "Thank you... I... it's nice to hear someone say that." It was nice. More than nice. I had always hoped my parents could be proud of me, but I had always feared I was failing them.   
  


I paused, watching her silently a moment. No wonder she had always been so lonely... "Hotohori-sama?"   
  


I tilted my head to the side slightly. "Nani?"   
  


I gave her one last smile, sad, understanding her too well. "It'll be all right."   
  


I opened the door and stepped outside into the dying sunlight. I turned around, back to face Nuriko. "Thank you." I smiled gratefully at him and turned to walk away, trying to keep my step measured and my pace steady. It took all my effort to keep from running back to my room.   
  


I watched her go, my arms still tight around me. I felt light-headed, as if I had stood up very suddenly. None of this seemed real. Everything was dream-like, ethereal. I watched the long brown hair fade behind a corner and sighed softly, turning back to my room, feeling a bit stunned about everything. I, in a sort of daze, slowly went to my bed and sat, my mind almost too overwhelmed to think. A woman... a woman... it explained so much. That was why she had asked me about cross-dressing, why she never visited the harem. The way she talked about herself being so beautiful must have been her only way to feel feminine. Her role reversal had been forced onto her, so it was a bit different for me. But I did know how she felt, in some ways- the trapped feeling, the sudden terror that someone might see, might figure it out, the fear of the shame that we could bring on our families.

That was the worst- the shame I could bring on my family, innocent of all this. But I would never let that happen. I would die before I disgraced them.

I couldn't stay here. I had to do my job. No matter what had happened, I was still the emperor's palace spy.

Glancing at myself in the mirror to make sure I was somewhat presentable, I stepped out of my room, my slippers padding softly down the hallway. I was going toward the kitchens, one of the best places to pick up gossip. Just to spend ten minutes with some of the servants there was to learn more about the palace than most learn in a lifetime. I made my way to the secret alcove that I had learned to stay in, listening to the people below me talk about their lives and what was going on around me that I didn't see all the time.

I perched in my usual position, where I could see everything that was happening and no one could see me, listening intently.

The man's voice directly below me was rough, almost grating to my ears. "I hear it was Kourin's room."

I perked my ears up. They were talking about me...

Another voice added in. "He was in her room! I saw him go in. And she shut the door!"

I winced. I knew that had been a mistake.

"She's a little slut!" said another voice, female, indignantly.

"Don't say that," said another voice, one I recognized. It was Yumi. "Kourin-san's very nice. I just hope he makes her happy."

I blinked. Made me happy...? What on earth...?

Realization dawned. They thought I was going to marry her. I almost laughed aloud. If only they knew...

I glanced outside, or what I could see of it from my little alcove. I moved out of it, sighing quietly. I knew, if they were talking about me, every little twist and turn they would create in my relationship with the emperor.

Speaking of whom, it was time to make my report to him... her... Hotohori-sama.

Walking to the throne room, I passed a branch of flowers and plucked one off. Flowers always cheered people up. I would show her that everything was going to be fine.   
  


My steps turned off down another path, away from my room and towards the throne room. I was still in complete disarray: my hair wildly cascading about my shoulders and the sash at my waist tied crooked. I really should have tried to assemble myself a bit better before I burst in on Akito. His eyes glanced up quickly from the page he was working on. "Heika-sama?"

My eyes must have betrayed my thoughts because the comment Akito was forming about my disheveled appearance in connection to my harem visit fell from his lips and were replaced by hesitant words of concern. "My god. What's wrong?" Akito asked, his voice altogether losing its hard sarcastic edge. He was genuinely concerned. It was so strange to see him like that.

I simply looked at him, drawing comfort from the familiar old visage that seemed so steady and unchanging. Akito had always looked the same and I supposed he always would. "Nuriko saw me."

His eyes widened, the heavy brows rising against the age that was weighing them down. "Heika-sama?" he ventured and I could tell by his voice where his thoughts were headed. "If Nuriko-san will be a threat to your secret... we will have to deal with her..."

I sighed. Nuriko had mentioned killing him as well. I couldn't do that. Not to Nuriko... but then again, I doubt I could have done that to anyone. No one should die for my sake, for the sake of a secret, a lie. "Iie..." I held up a hand. "Nuriko won't tell. Anyone. He promised and I trust him," I explained as best I could.

Akito raised an eyebrow, his quick old mind racing to some destination that I couldn't see. "_He_ swore? You trust _him_?" He looked at me questioningly, the wry twist to his expressions resurfacing as the threat to me and my secret faded.

I blinked. I had said "him". Akito didn't know Nuriko's secret. Lying wouldn't do any good. Akito could always tell when something I said was not the truth. Always. It unnerved me to no end, but I knew better than to try to pull something on Akito. "Hai..."

"Then that means..." I swear his eyes flashed so brightly that the room was for a moment filled with a spark of light. "Nuriko-san is a man?"

I nodded, even though the question no longer needed an answer. Akito's eyes were glimmering and were he any less self-controlled, I don't doubt he would have been rubbing his hands together in delight. "Akito..." I said, my voice warning.

He turned and smiled at me innocently. "Hai, heika-sama?"

"Whatever you're up to... it won't work... so don't try it," I said, sighing and shaking my head.

"Up to, heika-sama? Why, I'm not up to anything. I'd never dream of being up to something unless you ordered me to." The laughter in his voice was more than evident and I do not doubt he meant it to be that way. I shook my head, a smile crossing my face as I sat myself down in the stiff straight-backed chair that was my throne.

"On a more positive note..." I began, smiling genuinely at Akito. "Miaka is safe. She's with the others at Mount Taikyoku. It seems everything is going well."

Nodding, Akito sat back down at his desk. "I'm glad. Perhaps things will become a bit more normal around here then. I shall have an announcement made later so the court officials can stop tearing out their hair." Shaking his head and laughing to himself, he went back to his writing and left me to my thoughts. He knew me well enough to know that all I wanted to do at that moment was think.

My thoughts came, winding me tightly in a web of worries I had to untangle, and so I set about working through everything that had happened and that would happen. I was pulled from my reverie by a knock at the door and a familar soft voice calling out for permission to enter.   
  


I made sure this time to knock on the throne room door and call out before I entered, waiting for permission. I assume she was slightly busy because it was a moment before I heard her response. "Hai... come in."

I pushed the door open and gave her a little smile, keeping my eyes down. The flower was held tightly in my hand. "Konban wa... I'm here to give you my report."

"Konban wa," she replied, smiling back slightly, looking genuinely surprised to see me. I suppose she must have thought maybe I wouldn't be coming anymore. "Hai... your report."

Her chief advisor raised an eyebrow, not looking away from his paperwork, but I could tell he was listening. He was a sharp individual. I did not wish to ever cross him.

I stepped forward a bit so she wouldn't have to strain to hear me. "Well... everyone knows about your appearance in my room..." I flushed slightly. "And how the door was shut..." My voice was quiet, shy. "They're all talking about me..."

Her smile faded, replaced by an apologetic look. "I'm sorry... I know being the subject of rumors isn't fun."

I gave her a wry grin. "I'll manage. It's not the first time this has happened to me." And it wasn't. There had been many other times, much worse than this. Not many people at the palace liked me much at all. "It's just the first time that it has concerned myself and the emperor."

She smiled back slightly, looking as if she were trying not to feel awkward, then at me as if she were thinking. She remained silent.

I shrugged. "That's about all they're talking about. However, I brought you a gift." I held the flower out to her, almost shyly, my voice soft enough so that Akito could not hear. "Your second flower from a man."

A complete smile broke across her face. She reached out slowly and took the flower, almost hesitantly. "Hai... thank you." She laughed softly, looking relieved.

I nearly glowed at her smile, delighted. "If you really want details, I can give them to you. If you are finished with me, I think I shall go to bed." I gave her a little grin. "It's been a long day, hasn't it?"

She nodded and answered, her voice a bit sarcastic. "Hai, it has." She smiled again, inclining her head slightly towards me. "Goodnight, Nuriko... and thank you... for everything."

I suppose that the chief advisor thought he was undetectable, but the little glances he sent our way made him seem to try to be listening without looking like he was. He was no longer writing, his brush held still in his hand.

I gave her a little smile. "I shall see you tomorrow then. Pleasant dreams, heika-sama."

Akito stood up and faced us, bowing slightly. "If it is all right, heika-sama, I too shall be taking leave for a while."

Hotohori-sama glanced at him. "Hai, of course."

He turned and walked out the door, surprisingly quickly for an old man.

"Oyasumi," I called to her, then turned to follow Akito out the door, shutting it behind me.

She was left sitting alone, flower in her hands, gazing at it solemnly.

Akito was standing just outside the door. He stepped out almost in front of me. "Konban wa, miss." His uniquely sarcastic voice gave that final word a strange twist, full of things he left unsaid.

I frowned slightly, a little nervously, very unsure of myself because of his tone. "Hai... konban wa..." Without further words, I started towards my room.

He smiled. "Would you mind if I walked you back to your room, miss? A lady really shouldn't walk around alone when it's getting dark..." His smile broadened, a bit wryly. "And I've been meaning to talk to you... about a few things."

I froze, a slight shiver running up my spine at the tone and stopped walking. "H-hai... that... would be fine..."

He smiled and caught up with me, turning and glancing over at me. "Wonderful!" He looked to be sure that no one else was around and then clapped his hands together once, a bit like an excited toddler, but also sharp and final, leaving no room for argument. "So you know heika-sama's little secret now, ne?"

I flinched. "Yes... I'm... I'm sorry..."

He shook his head, holding up his hands. "Oh no! Don't apologize to me. I'm simply the emperor's advisor, looking out for heika-sama's best interests." He grinned slightly. "I don't see you as any sort of threat... on the contrary..." I could feel him looking at me appraisingly for a minute.

I kept my head bowed as I walked, feeling the scrutinizing eyes on me. "Contrary...?"

He shook his head. "Iie, iie... never mind." I could almost hear him smirk. "Thinking out loud again. I should really stop doing that." He glanced off, away. "Would you mind if I were completely blunt for a moment?"

I gave him a sideways glance and stopped, turning fully to him. I was just going to give up. He obviously did not want to leave me in peace. I leaned against the wall, my arms folded against my chest. "No, I wouldn't mind. What you seem to be thinking is interesting me quite greatly." I was desperately hoping he was not thinking what I thought he was, because I was sure it would never work out.

He was smirking ever so slightly still, but trying to hide it. He was also doing a terrible job. "And what is it you believe I'm thinking?" He looked like he knew he was being annoying- and that he was enjoying it.

I sighed quietly, lowering my eyes. "I don't want to presume, sir." I didn't want to play guessing games. I most certainly was not in the mood.

He laughed quietly at this. "That's right... presumptions can lead to trouble. Taking things at face value is risky. Take Hotohori-sama, for example." He turned and looked at me with a knowing smile. "Or yourself. Things are often other than they first appear."

I slowly raised my eyes, a bit stunned, looking at him wide-eyed. He knew...

He was still smiling sardonically. "Oh... don't worry. Some secrets are worth keeping. I know that better than most men." He lowered his voice, speaking quietly, secretly, to me. "Besides, things could work out better this way..."

I watched him carefully, my eyebrows lowered, worried. I was still praying that he wasn't implying what I feared. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "Only a thought I had... it seems that you and heika-sama are a matched pair... or something of the like." He brought his voice even lower. "You could give her an heir and still keep up the illusion that needs to be kept." He smiled again, raising his voice to his normal tone. "Well, as I said, just the thought of an idle old mind. I trust you can manage the rest of the way on your own... I'll leave you now, miss. My old bones are in need of rest." He bowed slightly. "Good night!" He seemed very cheerful as he turned to go.

I froze, staring at him. He had not, of course, disappointed me with what his thoughts were. I was not pleased about that. I kept my voice quiet. "Ne, Akito-san..." I lowered my eyes to the ground, no longer watching him.

He turned back, his old face looking curious. "Hai?"

My voice was soft, but it seemed loud to my ears. "Gomen... but she doesn't love me. If... she wants it that way, then of course I'll agree. It's duty. But... maybe you should think of her heart." I looked up once at him, then away. "Oyasumi."

He smiled a bit. "Life is a game of broken hearts." He bowed again. "Oyasumi, Nuriko-san." With that, he began to walk away.

I followed him with my eyes, silent. What he was suggesting made sense. I shivered and made my way to my room. I had dreamed about that for so long, but not this way. I wondered vaguely whose heart it was that would be broken this time. One... or both?

I shut tightly the door to my room.

   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: mailto:AnimeZGirl@aol.com
   [3]: mailto:Ayame22@hotmail.com



	2. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]

Part Five

  


I suppose I had not been expecting to see her so soon. I was so worried about her, but somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice whispered that she wasn't real, that she was just a dream. Just a dream, a left-over fancy from childhood... a wish for someone... an ethereal memory of a fleeting vision. I had dreamed of having her back again, safe, of hearing her light footsteps in the halls or her happy, free laugh breaking through the stillness. As much as I had hoped for it, as long as I had been waiting- but was it truly that long?- I wasn't quite prepared to see her step through the door or hear her cheerful greeting.

"Hotohori, I'm home!" she chirped, smiling as always. I could scarcely believe my eyes. She was back. Home. Safe.

I pushed myself off the throne and nearly ran to her, wrapping her in a tight hug. I held her closely for a moment, convincing myself that she was real, that this time it wasn't a dream. "Miaka..." I spoke her name and glanced up, looking about at the others, noticing them for the first time. Tamahome was glaring at me dangerously, unrestrained jealousy glittering in his dark eyes. I glared straight back at him, angry that he had been the one to save her, instead of me. Tension gave the entire atmosphere a dangerous feeling. I did not know what would have happened from there, because the hostile air was suddenly softened by the appearance of a well-timed violet ray of light. Nuriko rushed into the room and Miaka fled my arms. They chirped at each other a greeting whose words and meaning were lost to me. The two of them hurried quickly from the room, heads bent together in girlish chatter. I watched them for a moment before turning my eyes back to Tamahome, but he also had vanished, leaving while my eyes were turned, like a cold shadow fading in a sudden light.

Moments passed as I stood silently, watching nothing save the empty air in front of me. I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to get out, go walking... somewhere. I stepped outside my door and let myself wander. Perhaps the wind pushed me, or maybe some portion of my mind of which I was unaware compelled me, but I wound up just outside Miaka's room. Voices drifted from inside, coloring the cool night with emotions and words. They were arguing, Tamahome and Miaka. His voice rose, perhaps in anger, and fell again in despair. Miaka's voice was strangely level as though the words were forced out with no emotion.   
  
She couldn't love him anymore. My eyes widened at this. He wouldn't take that. I had not expected him to. I listened for a moment longer, pictures of what was going on inside the room flashing through my mind. Stepping around the corner, I opened the door silently. I saw him, pushing her backwards on the bed, hands on her shoulders. My hand strayed to my sword and drew it, the cold metal sliding soundlessly from the sheath. In a blur of motion that I could scarcely follow myself, I had Tamahome separated from Miaka, as well as from myself by a length of sharp metal. He stared back at me, our eyes meeting, both flashing in stubborn defiance. Miaka gasped and started towards Tamahome, calling out in worry. Tamahome held out an arm, stopping her, his eyes never leaving mine. The stare-off continued, Miaka watching, her own eyes wide with apprehension.

"If you have something to say, Tamahome, I will listen. But I'll accept no excuses," I said simply, holding my blade steady.

"I'll give no excuses," he said, the tone of his voice matching my own. "But let me say this. I love Miaka. And I will not give her up to anyone for anything. Ever."

A half-smile flickered across my face for the briefest instant. "You have guts," I began quietly, "to challenge the ruler of a country."

He smiled back, that quiet secret smile I've seen on his face, on Miaka's, when they look at each other. His eyes strayed to her. I lowered my sword, still watching him. "I could not kill you in any case. You are one of the seven Suzaku seishi. But if you ever become just a man, then so will I." I managed the last part without a qualm. It's amazing how easy lies become after you've lived them for a while.

Oftentimes, they're easier than truth.

Miaka's eyes were wide and tear-filled; she had remembered how much she loved him and forgotten her reasons for being unable to do so. I smiled internally. "Remember, Miaka, I'm the one who loves you."

Tamahome shot me a look, but I wasn't watching him. My eyes were on Miaka's. She just looked back at me for a moment before her eyes turned to Tamahome, shining with that something.

I wondered if anyone would ever look at me like that...

Turning from the room, the last thing I saw was the two of them rushing together and embracing. Smiling sadly, I shut the door behind me. As it closed, I had the odd feeling that I was closing the door on something more than a room.

What I did had worked though. Miaka had found Tamahome again. She was happy again... in his arms.

I leaned against the balcony rail, letting the moonlight bathe over my face. My hair fell across my eyes in waves. I'm sure I looked wonderful, but for some reason, at that moment, I didn't care.

It was the next evening that Miaka returned.

I lingered in the doorway, watching as she presented herself again to the emperor. I watched as Hotohori-sama almost fled off her throne and threw her arms around Miaka. I watched her hug the miko tightly, as if she would never let go. And I watched the dark looks that passed between Hotohori-sama and Tamahome.

I sighed softly. Hotohori-sama, despite the fact that she was a woman, loved Miaka with all her heart. I understood- hadn't I loved Hotohori-sama when I thought her a man? It was no different. But it still made my heart ache for her because I knew Miaka could never love her back; at least, she couldn't while Tamahome was around.

Miaka introduced Chichiri to the emperor, cheerful, nearly bubbling. She was completely oblivious to the air of animosity in the room. I knew I would have to step in before Tamahome killed the emperor or the other way around.

I burst into the room with forced cheerfulness. "Miaka!"

She broke away from Hotohori-sama and ran excitedly over to me. "Nuriko, you're still being gay!" she exclaimed, grabbing my hands in hers and almost dancing.

Not quite, I thought wryly, but I said nothing about that. "Miaka, you're still being stupid!" I teased back.

I never really considered myself gay. Yes, I cross-dressed, but I had my own reasons for that. The reason I loved Hotohori-sama was for herself- it hadn't mattered that I had thought she was a man. What I loved was her personality, her mind, her heart. It wasn't important to me if she were a man or a woman.

I led her out of the room, both of us happily chattering about trivialities. I felt the tension in the room behind us, almost tangible. "Ah!" I said as we were still in earshot. "That's right! Did you get to see your friend?"

Her reply was unsure. "Well... um..." I could tell it was going to be a long story. By the look on her face, it wasn't a happy one either.

Miaka and I walked along the hallway. "Yui-chan is Seiryuu no Miko," she said quietly.

I looked at her in surprise. "What happened, Miaka?"

She didn't look back at me. "She... had a hard time because of me." The tone of her voice told me it was a little more than just a "hard time", but I let it be. "We're going to get her back, Nuriko. We have to."

"We will," I affirmed. I glanced down at her. Her face was determined, set, not depressed at all. That was good. I stopped as we arrived at her room. "Ne, Miaka... do you need anything?"

She looked up at me, a pitiful expression on her face. "I'm starving..."

I laughed suddenly and gave her a quick, tight hug. It was so good to have her home. "I'm glad you're back, Miaka."

She gave me a little grin. "Arigatou, Nuriko. I am too."

"Shall I get you something to eat?" I asked. I was a fair cook.

"No, that's all right," she replied, smiling at me. "I have my own food from home. Oyasumi, Nuriko!"

"Oyasumi, Miaka." I smiled farewell, and she stepped into her room, shutting the door behind her.

I glanced behind me and saw Tamahome storming in my direction. He probably wanted to talk to Miaka. I moved away from her door, silent, because he had not noticed me yet.

I stepped quietly down the stairs, moving out into the gardens. Everything was so pretty in the dark. Unlike my maids, I did not fear darkness. Night birds serenaded me softly, romantically. I settled myself on a rock, vaguely listening to the happenings in Miaka's room.

I heard her and Tamahome talking, then footsteps along the hallway. Her door creaked open and Hotohori-sama's voice floated across the night wind. Then a long silence. A few more voices, and then I heard someone step out of Miaka's room.

I looked up. Her beautiful face was dark because the lantern was behind her, but nothing could disguise the profile so familiar to me. She was silent, gazing out over the gardens. She looked so sad and lonely. _Life is a game of broken hearts_ echoed through my mind. I stood up, getting off the rock, moving toward her, my feet quietly crushing the grass beneath me. I raised my eyes to her, standing directly below her, nearly hidden in the darkness.

The voice came from the darkness, a quiet, shy whisper, almost as though the evening wind itself were calling me. "Hotohori-sama?"

I jerked my head up, startled out of the eerie stillness into which I had settled myself. I looked around, straining my eyes to see through the untempered black. My gaze came to rest on a shadowy form, so familiar... "Nuriko?" I called, my voice curious, a bit unsure because I could not quite see through the curtain of darkness night had drawn.   
  
I was sure he smiled to himself; I could hear it in his voice. "Hai, heika-sama." A moment passed and he spoke again, his voice sounding almost worried. "Are you all right?"

"Of course..." He sounded so concerned. It caught me off-guard a bit.

Another bleakly silent moment passed where even the night birds seemed to still their songs. "I see."

I was still trying to see through the blackness of the night, my own dark eyes sparkling in the effort. "After all, why wouldn't I be?" My voice was surprisingly quiet, and though not sad, it seemed to sound a bit wistful. Still watching Nuriko through the dark, I could almost make out his features now, the violet eyes and long flowing hair framing a face so quick to take on whatever emotion the wind blew in.

He took a step forward into sort of a watery shadow, the movement more audible than visible in the night. His face was turned down, not looking at me. "I guess you answered me before..."

His words confused me and I couldn't think of any reply to a statement I did not understand. "Oh..." I whispered the word out and leaned on the rail of the balcony, partly over it. I glanced up at the sky, my eyes watching the stars. Moonlight flooded over me, my hair, my face. It is strange... sunlight and firelight are warming, but moonlight is always... always... so cold... chilling... lonesome...

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him raise his face to me, smiling. In the surreal glow cast by the moon, the expression seemed so wistful. "You told me... that because Miaka is happy, that you weren't discouraged." He paused for the briefest moment. "But you never really answered me if you were happy."

I turned my eyes back to Nuriko, watching his shadowy form silently for a moment. "Happy?" I smiled a bit. "There's no reason for me not to be, is there?"

His voice was quiet, too quiet, when he answered me. "Akito-san has trained you well."

I hesitated slightly. "What do you mean?"

"You skirt answers superbly."

I laughed slightly, not really seeing anything funny. "Gomen... I suppose I do." I felt subdued, like something heavy, dark, and cold had settled on my shoulders, and I fell quiet.

He looked up at me quietly for a moment, no trace of a smile on his face. "I understand if you don't want to answer me. But that's nearly the same as a no, in any case."

"It isn't that I don't want to answer you, Nuriko," I began quietly. "But I don't want to sound ungrateful. I've grown up with everything I could possibly ever ask for. There truly is no reason I should be unhappy, and yet..." I sighed slightly. "I'm foolish, I suppose, wishing for something more with all I have."   
  
His voice was amazingly soft. I was not one to talk to people like this. And yet... "What do you want, Hotohori-sama?"   
  
"Something impossible..." I cast a glance back to Miaka's room where she and Tamahome still were, together. My voice was sort of soft, musing, not my usual tone. "I want what they have... But that can't be. And I know that. Still... dreams can't harm anything, can they?" They couldn't, could they?

He lowered his eyes and looked away. I must have sounded like a sentimental fool to him. "You want love..."   
  
"Hai... I suppose that's it," I confirmed, both to myself as well as Nuriko.

He was still gazing off somewhere else when he spoke, his voice tight. "I... I wish I knew how to help, Hotohori-sama."

I turned my eyes back to him, studying his small form through the shadows. A little smile crossed my face briefly. A silent moment passed where I just watched him. "Thank you... but it really doesn't matter. After all, to think my needs had precedence over someone else's would be selfish." My dark eyes still watched his figure as best they could through the darkness.

His eyes turned back to me quickly, sharply. "Don't say that! You're an important person too!" He trailed off suddenly. "Very important..."

I was surprised. I hadn't been expecting such an adamant reaction. I just stood silent for a long moment, but finally I recovered my voice. "Thank you."

Nuriko lowered his eyes again, his face becoming hidden even more in shadow. "You're very important to so many people. Not because you're the emperor. But because you're you. Do you think Miaka cares about you because of your throne?" He stopped short, and it seemed there was something more, something he wasn't saying.

"Miaka is like that... she cares about everyone as a person," I answered him quietly.

He nodded. "Is that why you love her?" He looked up at me, his expression hidden in the nighttime darkness.

I laughed softly, feeling that at that moment my choice was laughter or tears. "I think so."

"Hotohori-sama..." His voice was tight, controlled.

Still leaning over the balcony, I tilted my head to the side slightly, looking down on Nuriko. "Hai?"

A silent moment passed where he just looked at me, watching. "It's not impossible... for her to love you back... if that's what you want. I'm sure you just have to be patient." His voice stopped suddenly again and the night faded into silence.

I shook my head. "It wouldn't work, Nuriko. Goodness knows you know that. And besides... have you seen the way they look at each other? Miaka and Tamahome, I mean. The way their eyes shine when they see each other. If he ever hurts her, I will kill him... but they love each other." They truly loved each other. I suppose I envied them that a bit, but I was glad for them, I truly was. Things like what they had only came along once in a lifetime, if at all...   
  
Nuriko's voice rose over the humming of the crickets, tight and strained. "I know... I know..."

It was his tone that caught my attention. "Is something wrong, Nuriko?" I was concerned for him and I suppose it showed in my voice.

He blinked, the sparkle the moonlight created in his eyes winking out for the briefest moment, and looked up at me, a bit suddenly. A smile spread across his face, but it didn't look natural. "Nothing... sorry. Just thinking."

"Thinking... ahhh..." I did not quite buy that. There was something more. Something lay in the things he had left unsaid, things at which only the sweetly singing night birds could guess. "Ne... thanks for listening to me ramble. I really shouldn't impose upon you like this," I said after a moment and smiled slightly, wondering if he could see my face through the night's blackness.

"Ne... may I come up there?" The question rang through the night softly.

I nodded. "Hai... of course."

He walked to the stairs and climbing up, his soft footsteps seeming to echo through the stillness of the night. He stopped, neither close beside nor far away from me. "If there is anything I can do to help... anything at all..." He looked up at me, his eyes serious, clear. "Please tell me."

I looked over at him and sent him a smile. "Thank you... you don't know how much I appreciate that." Even I didn't know how much I appreciated it. I was unused to having someone to whom I could talk, whom I could trust.

He turned his eyes back to me, from watching the movements of the trees in the darkness and smiled shyly. "It's really not a burden."   
  
I was still smiling when I turned my eyes back to the evening sky, to the stars. "Thank you..." I could feel his eyes on me, studying me through the dim light cast by the sparkling jewels in the night sky.

It seemed random, my next remark, but I couldn't stay in the silence any longer. "I don't think I love her like that... Miaka, I mean..."

Even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was still watching me. "Like... romantically?"

I nodded, musingly. "Hai... I do care for her... but it just doesn't seem to be romantically..."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod and something flashed briefly in his eyes. "I... don't mean to intrude... but... is there anyone you care for like that then?" His voice was soft, shy.

I had to think about that. I hoped... that somewhere there was someone I could love. Someone who could love me as well. I knew that someday I'd find that person... maybe. "Hai... perhaps." I hoped so. Mother always said that love was something that even the stars couldn't foretell. I looked to Nuriko for a moment, the shining stars reflected in his dark eyes. I felt for a moment as though I were still watching the sky. I sighed internally. Thoughts like that I was glad I kept to myself. So many people would laugh.

He was silent a moment. "I see." He spoke again, his voice dropping into something so quiet it was nearly a whisper. "I truly hope you find happiness, Hotohori-sama."

Laughter came to my lips at that moment, slightly ironic even to my own ears. I don't know why I laughed. Nothing was funny. "Thank you..."

He breathed deeply, slowly, a soft sighing sound that mingled with the night's gentle breeze. "Well... I ought to be going. I'm sure I'm going to have to entertain Miaka early tomorrow morning." The smile he gave me was small, almost sad. "Oyasumi, heika-sama."

I smiled back a bit, my feelings mirroring Nuriko's expression. "Oyasumi..."

He stepped away quietly, feet padding softly across the wooden floor. I watched him disappear into his room beside Miaka's. The door clicked shut softly. I stayed where I was, leaning on the balcony and closed my eyes, alone with my thoughts and the stars, listening to the soft whisper of the night wind.   
  
  
  
  


Part Six

  
  


She was a romantic hero in a story, a prince to rescue a princess, her princess, sword covered in blood from the slain enemy, her ki radiating with nearly visible strength and power.

When the bandits attacked us, I could only get one, but suddenly she was there and had saved Miaka from a sword aimed at her heart. And all I could do, after deciding Miaka was all right, was gaze at her. She was amazing.

Tamahome had left, going to Kutou to save the villages. I'm sure Hotohori-sama felt very guilty. Miaka was very upset, of course, but she was doing the best she could to hide it from me so that I wouldn't worry. So for her, in an effort to get Tamahome back, we were searching for the rest of the seishi. I had been wondering how Hotohori-sama would be dealing with being alone at the palace, worrying, but then suddenly she was there.

She told us Chichiri had taken her place at the palace so that she could protect Miaka in Tamahome's place. And together we continued on the road towards Mouth Leikaku, praying that Taiitsu-kun's mirror was leading us in the right direction with the "yama" kanji.

At the base of the mountain, we stopped and tethered the horses, letting them rest and graze for a bit. It seemed clear to me that I was not wanted, so I made a quick apology and an excuse to leave, and I disappeared from their vision into the woods. I sat down slowly behind a tree, able to hear what they were saying and knowing they could not see me.

Despite her denial of feelings for Miaka, Hotohori-sama had not even had to ask to ask me to do what she wanted- Miaka switched horses, riding with the emperor instead of me. It was all right. I understood. She loved Miaka, so of course she would want to spend time with her. It was like me. I loved Hotohori-sama and I wanted to spend time with her, but I would not interfere. If she wanted me to help Miaka fall in love with her, I would do that too. Like she had said, it's hard to be discouraged when the one you love is happy.

I leaned back against the tree, the bark scraping my back.

The maids and other princesses had been astonished and disapproving when they had seen me exit my room in men's clothes, and only Yumi had had the courage to ask me why I was wearing them. I told her that one pretty girl was bad enough to travel with, so we didn't need two girls to cause trouble. Yumi gave me a shy laugh and told me that I made a very handsome man. I just smiled and said nothing.

They were being so quiet. I had heard a few gentle murmurs from Hotohori-sama and Miaka's shy replies, but it had been a few moments since I had heard anything. Curiosity was itching my mind, and, after a few moments, I succumbed to it. I peeked my head around the tree.

My eyes widened. She... she was kissing her... Hotohori-sama was... she... My throat tightened and I hurriedly looked away. I swallowed repeatedly, trying to not to get upset. Hotohori-sama could do whatever she wanted. She was the emperor and she loved Miaka. I was just some foolish admirer who loved her. I was nothing.

I vaguely heard Miaka's protests and Hotohori-sama's questions to her, not really penetrating my thoughts.

Not romantically, she had said. There was someone else she cared for. I pulled my knees tightly to my chest, hugging them close. Had she lied to me? She had kissed Miaka. And yet, I did not have the right to complain. Miaka would make Hotohori-sama happy and I would... I would... find something to do. I would leave the palace, of course, and maybe I could stay with my brother for a while... I was sure I would be fine. I would survive.

"Miaka!!" I heard Hotohori-sama yell, and there was real panic in her voice. I jerked my head around the tree, thrown out of my thoughts, and stumbled to my feet. I saw them fall onto the ground, the emperor protecting the miko despite the threat to her own life. Without thinking, I started running toward them. "Hotohori-sama! Miaka!"

I think I remember seeing movement off to the side at the time, but in the state I was in, I didn't react to it quickly enough. I cried out and everything dazzled into black as I was hit from behind.

Consciousness crept slowly into my brain, bringing with it the knowledge of a soft, cold, pulsating pain. I was lying on a floor, my wrists tied behind my back with a thick grating rope. I tried to move my feet and found them bound much the same way as my wrists. Opening my eyes slightly, I allowed a moment for them to adjust to the brightly flickering candlelight. I was being shaken, I realized, as the world about me began to solidify, and not overly gently. "Hotohori!"

"Miaka!" I jerked my head around to glance at her. Nuriko was there as well. Both he and Miaka were tied much the same as I was and both looked equally confused.

"Hotohori! You're hurt!" Miaka chirped quietly, her voice filled with worry, concern.

Hurt? Ah, yes. My arm was bleeding. That would account for the dull throbbing pain I was feeling. Trying to force a smile and remain upright despite my stiff body, I opened my mouth to try to reassure her that I was fine. Before the words could leave my lips, the door opened and a rough looking group of slightly dirty, very drunk men stepped in. My head still ached from my recent bout with unconsciousness. Everything was blurry, and I felt as though I were trying to swim through turbulent churning water.

The bandits began taking Miaka away and it was as though whatever had been clouding and fogging my mind disappeared. I was ready to stand and fight, and beside me, I'm sure Nuriko was ready for the same thing. But Miaka smiled that cheerful smile and shook her head. Her green eyes shone clear with determination. She would find the other seishi. She would be fine. I watched her go and glanced to Nuriko, hoping to draw some reassurance from him, but even that was cut short as the bandits undid our ropes. I raised and eyebrow and glanced around at the whole group. They wanted us to serve them. They thought we were women. Unsure whether to laugh or cry, I simply stared. Had they simply assumed because of my beauty? Had they figured it out? Were they just that drunk? I prayed that they were drunk, that that was the only reason, and I resigned myself to playing along, to buy Miaka the time she needed. It truly was not difficult to play the part of a girl. I managed to pour the steaming tea without too much of a mishap and sit amongst them, all the while wondering if they truly knew my secret. Obviously someone had carried Nuriko, Miaka, and myself here. I had bound my chest for the journey; could they still have seen? I glanced from time to time at Nuriko, almost, but not quite frightened.

Then it happened. One of them began hitting on me. "Lady, you have such a nice big beautiful body." I could hear the alcohol in his voice, the slurred words that seemed to be such an effort for him to form.

I forced a laugh, something akin to panic clutching at my chest. "Oh, many people say that! But Nuriko-chan has much better proportions..." I cast a nervous, apologetic glance at Nuriko. I'm fairly sure, by the sudden chill that passed down my spine, that he glared at me.

"She's not my type..." the bandit said, and I could smell his breath, reeking of sake.

"Nuriko!" I hissed, nearly fleeing to the relative safety of his side.

I clung close to Nuriko after that, nervous, jumpy, and needing some sort of support. This I drew from Nuriko. He smiled at each of the drunken men easily, serving them with the grace and poise he so often demonstrated. Only the dangerous spark in his deep violet eyes betrayed the act he was putting on.

It happened only minutes later, though it seemed forever. The men's conversation came on and on in unending, relentless, drunken droning. I was eyeing the pile of our weapons and belongings that the mountain thieves had stacked in the corner. Suddenly a snatch of conversation caught my ear. They were speaking about the man Miaka had been taken to. My eyes widened as they spoke, darkening in anger, fearing for her safety.

"Nuriko," I said softly.

"Hai," he answered quickly, nodding his head, understanding immediately what I meant. In a quick, accurate blur, the men were caught between a table and the wall with Nuriko standing in front of them, brushing off his hands in silent triumph. We gathered our things as quickly as we could. I felt strangely better with the handle of my sword resting comfortingly in my left hand.

"Are you, by chance, men?" a far from sober prone form asked.

"So you finally noticed," I answered, sighing slightly. Something tugged at my leg and I glanced down to see the drunk man who had been attempting to hit on me earlier.

"I don't care if you are a man!" his voice piped up.

"Nuriko," I called, my voice nervous, tight, annoyed. Moments passed, the twitching form of my assailant lay some yards off to our side. Nuriko and I stood by the door, waiting in complete silence, each of us barely breathing. Our moment came not long after, when one other bandit, the one who had taken Miaka, stepped through the door. Sword to his throat, he seemed more than happy to comply to our wishes. We followed him to the room he indicated, the room where he had said Miaka would be.

I fumbled with the door, but it was locked. I raised my sword, blade gleaming in the flickering torchlight as I lifted it above my head. I was ready to strike the door as the wall suddenly collapsed, or rather, as Nuriko made the wall collapse. I rushed into the room, to Miaka. Holding her trembling form close against my side, I held the man who would have hurt her at the edge of my sword. I wanted to kill him, but I left the blade just touching his throat despite the trembling of my hand.

So intent were we in what we were doing that none of saw the other figure enter, nor noticed him until Miaka screamed. I whirled away from the pathetic little slug and towards the new threat. The man was tall, with flame red hair that fell in disarray about shifty eyes that mirrored the firelight. He held Miaka over his shoulder as he spoke in a cocky voice and turned to leave with Miaka.

"No! Wait!" I called, springing forward, ready to go after him, but he simply smirked, fanned a few strips of paper in his hand and tossed them into the air. "Ginjitsu Shinzarou!"

Wolves appeared from nowhere, snarling and biting at the air and charging towards us.

"Impossible..." I heard Nuriko's astonished whisper as I slashed through one of the advancing menaces with my sword. The wolf vanished, leaving nothing but a torn paper that fluttered to my feet like a wounded bird. Paper?! It was impossible, but it was happening. My thoughts were not allowed to collect any further than that. From behind us, the little slug shrieked in his horrible screechy voice.

"Rekka shinen!" I glanced back at his words only to see fire erupt from a fan held in the grubby hands of the evil little man. It kept growing, expanding and covering the entire room, almost as though hell had been let loose upon the earth. I fled for a window, Nuriko disappearing from my view.

"Nuriko! Are you all right?"

"Hm, Hotohori-sama, you certainly got out of there quickly," I said lightly as I peered around the door, making sure it was safe for me to continue. When I decided I no longer had an immediate threat of death, I started walking toward her, checking around for any other danger.

She blinked at me, her eyes peeking over the edge of the stonework. "I was going after Miaka!"

"Hai, hai," I agreed as I hopped over the wall toward where Miaka had been taken.

"I was!!" she protested. I gave her a quick little smile over my shoulder. She was glancing around worriedly. "Did you see where they took her?"

I randomly chose a path through the forest. "I didn't. Did you?"

Her voice sounded rather sheepish. "The fire blocked my view."

I laughed quietly, worried about Miaka, but somehow sure she was all right. "Come on. We'll find her." I glanced around. "Perhaps we should look around while we're here."

She came up beside me and nodded. "Hai." Her voice darkened after as moment. "Nuriko... we have to find her... if he touches her..." The threat in her voice was almost tangible.

I gave her a quick glance. "We will. Don't worry. And we'll know if anything happens to her. It will be fine."

She was looking around, her eyes searching out the dimness, but she managed to glance at me and give me a quick smile and a nod. She was, however, looking away as she spoke. "Nuriko... I want to apologize for hiding behind you with the bandits."

I laughed, turning my eyes to her from the deepness of the forest. "It all worked out, ne, Hotohori-sama?" I gave her an evil grin. "Besides, he was rather good-looking."

Her expression at first was an equal mixture of a grin and a glare, but it melted after a moment into just a smile, the sweet one she gave so frequently to Miaka that I loved so much. "In any case, thank you."

We wandered a bit more, my mind and heart conflicting. It was so nice to be out here with her, to see her smile at me like that, but I knew we would have to find Miaka. And there was also the kiss... "Ne, Hotohori-sama..."

She glanced up at me, her dark eyes still trying to scan the impenetrable forest. "Hai?"

I deliberately kept my eyes away, a little nervous to bring up the subject. I kept my voice quiet as well, holding branches out of Hotohori-sama's way as we moved through the forest. "I thought you were only going to protect Miaka in Tamahome's place..."

I could tell she knew immediately what I was talking about. Her eyes flashed at me, but not with anger, as I had expected. Her voice was sad and retrospective. "Hai..." It was soft, amazingly quiet. "It was a mistake. I know that." She sighed as well, a brief, gentle wind, barely audible, across a field of grass.

I left my voice at the same level, left my eyes looking away. "I just... don't want you to get hurt." I turned my eyes to her, trying to gauge her reaction to this.

She gave me a sort of smile, looking a bit surprised, but her smile quickly faded. "I won't... I... after I did that... nothing. The only thing I felt was sorry for doing that to her. I don't understand. I still care for her, but I kissed her and there was nothing there." She dropped her eyes away from me, looking as if she felt that she had failed herself, her dreams, and went silent.

My voice was as soft and gentle as I could make it. "Nothing at all? You don't love her?"

She glanced up at me briefly. "She's a wonderful person. She's Suzaku no miko, my miko, and I'll protect her as best I can, but... no. No, I don't." She sighed again.

I left my eyes on her. "You'll be all right?" I asked after a minute. I then stopped walking, intent on studying her a moment longer with greater ease.

She nearly crashed into me, but pulled up just short. She glanced down at me and took a step backwards. I had never felt so small in my life. "Of course I'll be fine."

Who was I to presume on her feelings? Feeling something I couldn't quite put a name to, sort of like disappointment in myself, I watched her a minute longer, searching for signs of some way I could help her. If she needed it. Or wanted it. "Good." I turned away and continued down the path. I wouldn't show her my pain and worry. She didn't need me. "She has to be around here somewhere. How far could they have gone?" I blinked as something registered and turned again, double-checking what I had seen. "Hotohori-sama... you're still bleeding."

She looked down at her right arm where the material of her shirt had become wet and sticky with the blood that was still issuing from her wound. "Oh... I am."

I felt my heart twist. She had been so concerned with Miaka's welfare that she hadn't bothered at all about her own. My eyes, I'm sure, held much worry. "We have to bandage it-" My sentence was cut off by a shout and someone barreling into me.

"Trespassers!" yelled a rather drunk bandit, his alcoholic breath spilling into my face. I shoved him off me and got up, readying myself. He stumbled to his feet as well.

She drew her sword to the right of me, ready to defend herself and fight for her miko, despite the handicap of having to use her left hand, but I called out to stop her. "Hotohori-sama, stay back!" I gave her a quick glance to make sure that she would listen to me, then jerked my eyes back to the bandit.

He was amazingly drunk. "Pretty trespassers too," he slurred.

That was it. He was flirting with Hotohori-sama. If anyone's, that was my job. I flew over to him and landed my fist into his stomach. He sailed backwards and crashed into a tree, hitting it with a satisfying thump.

I strolled over to him, not allowing myself any glances in Hotohori-sama's direction, afraid I would smirk too much, knelt beside him, and started tugging off his shirt.

I finally allowed myself to look at her, though disguised it as best I could. She blinked, the skirmish over a little too quickly for her to have joined in. Her eyes widened as I managed to get his shirt off. "Nuriko...?" I stifled a laugh. Did she think I was going to rape him?

I gave her a mischievous grin and walked toward her, tearing the shirt into strips, choosing the cleanest. I stopped in front of her, then looked up at her. "May I?"

Unhappy realization shone in her eyes, but then she looked down to her arm. Her feelings were obvious. She looked back to me and nodded, her displeasure with the situation apparent. "Hai."

I stepped closer and examined it, wincing inwardly. "Hold on... this might hurt." I started rolling up her sleeve. It was a crime to lie to the emperor, punishable by death. This was definitely going to hurt. The cloth had stuck to the wound and I was going to be pulling off what little blood had already clotted.

She winced visibly and clenched her teeth, shutting her eyes, waiting for me to get to the actual wound. She was not looking forward to the pain.

I pulled the sleeve over the wound and a stifled cry escaped from her lips. I flinched, but continued, knowing what I was doing was for the best. "Sorry," I said quietly, and I finished pulling it over her wound. I forced myself to remember that I had to do this, or it could become infected or worse. "You need to hold it up over your shoulder so I can bandage it."

She nodded at me, her eyes still tightly shut, and reached over with her good hand to hold the sleeve up for me. Her eyes cracked open for a moment to look at her injury.

I made a face at the still-open wound. "Well... it's not too bad, not too deep, but it doesn't look like fun." I pulled her arm away from her body a bit and started to wrap the first bandage.

When I glanced up at her again, her eyes were off in the woods again, but she looked down at me as I tied off the last knot. "Arigatou." Had she been looking for Miaka again? I had nearly forgotten about her in my concern for Hotohori-sama. I felt like a fool. My devotion to the miko had to come first.

I reached over and touched her bandaged hand, feeling the temperature. "Good, it's not cold. Can you move your fingers?"

Within my hand, her fingers slowly clenched into a loose fist and then released. "Hai. I can."

I blinked as I realized I was holding her hand. I almost jerked it away, but forced myself to be a little more discreet about my embarrassment, though my face, I could feel, was pink. I gave her a hurried smile to cover it. "So, off to find Miaka, right?"

She gave me a questioning look, obviously having seen my expression, but then gave me a smile back and a quick nod. "Let's go."

I glanced away, hearing a noise, grateful for the interruption. That noise was familiar. It sounded very much like Miaka. "Hotohori-sama!" I said, my voice low.

Her eyes followed mine and she nodded silently, having heard the sound as well as I had. She tightened her bandaged arm's hand around the hilt of her sword, gesturing to me with the other. I understood.

I stalked over to the bushes from where one of the voices was emanating, then glanced back at her. It would be best if we struck at the same time.

She circled around the other way, almost disappearing into the forest, her movements soundless, cat-like, to where the other voice was. She looked up at me and barely nodded, her lips mouthing, "Now."

I struck, grabbing the blue-haired bandit, shaking him, trying not to hurt him if Miaka wasn't here, but just to stun him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hotohori-sama raise her sword, stopping barely away from Genrou's, the red-haired bandit, exposed throat, tangling a few beads of his necklace over the blade. "Where's Miaka, you bastard?" Her voice was dark, ominous.

I blinked as I heard Miaka calling out our names and stopped shaking the bandit. "Miaka?"   
  
  
  


Part Seven

  
  


"I'm begging you." I was on my knees before the healer, a position I don't remember being in before anyone previously in my life. But if this would help Miaka, if this would save her life, then I would do it; I was doing it. Gladly.

At my side, the third member of our group dropped to his knees as well. "I'll beg too, there's no one else." I was only slightly surprised at this from him. Immediately after, I felt more than saw Nuriko sink to his knees too.

"You have to help us; we can't do it Shouka-san's way." Nuriko's voice was soft, fear-filled, reflecting the emotions I was feeling so closely.

He had to help Miaka. He was the only healer who could. Everything had been going so well... We had found Miaka and helped install the shifty-eyed bandit as the new leader of the mountain thieves. I had not been quite sure if that had been an intelligent move, but Miaka had reassured me otherwise. It was then that we had come up against one of our worst fears, a glass wall in our search for the Suzaku seishi. We were so close, we had felt it, but we were too late. Suzaku seishi Tasuki was dead. We had missed him by a matter of days, arriving too late. Too late... too late to do anything but watch our hope be shattered at our feet. But the icy dread that had settled over us was broken by a ray of hope. Rumors spoke of a healer not far off who could raise the dead. Once again we set off to an unknown place, the bandits escorting us off their land, as much a precaution as a courtesy. My arm had throbbed every now and then, but not nearly as bad as before Nuriko had bandaged it. Several times my hand had strayed to touch the bandage absently, but I had quickly pulled it away after receiving admonishing looks from Nuriko.

The healer, to the our surprise, had been a pretty young woman. Her eyes held a sadness that I had not been able to understand then, something like a long-tortured hope that was finally being relinquished into despair. She had confirmed our hopes. She did have the power to revive those not long dead, but only within the limits of the disease-cursed city. Hope had a tight hold on our hearts as we had once again set out, this time to bring the dead body of Tasuki to the village, to Shouka-san's healing touch.

The attack had come not long after we left city limits. Miaka felt faint, weak, her small body going slack as she sat in front of me on my horse. We had paused in our journey to let her rest. Out of the ground and from some far corners of hell that humans can only begin to guess at, the creatures had come at us. Vaguely human and long dead, the walking corpses advanced upon us in droves despite our efforts to fight them off and protect our miko. We were overpowered, outnumbered, until a figure detached itself from the forest's shadows. It was the flame-haired bandit of earlier. Wielding his fire, he had driven off the grave's minions and revealed himself to be the Suzaku seishi, Tasuki, whom we had thought dead. Unable to pass beyond the city of rotting corpses and worried for Miaka's safety, we turned back to the only refuge of which we could think. We had gone back to Shouka.

The young woman had simply shaken her head, watching us with those sad eyes so torn between some decision of which only she knew. She could help Miaka, but not while she was still alive. There was one other choice, a reclusive healer who lived a solitary existence outside the city. Myo Juan, they had said his name was. We had journeyed to him, only to be turned away almost violently. Miaka had crumbled, no longer being strong enough to sustain herself. We had carried her back to Shouka. The bitter truth had been reflected in Nuriko and Tasuki's eyes as well as my own, the horrible truth we knew and did not want to acknowledge. We would kill her, to end her suffering quickly, to stop her pain, and to have Shouka bring her back to life, free of her pain.

The task had fallen to me, and I had stood over her small fragile body, seeing the pain she was in. I so wanted to help her, but even at that I failed. I could not kill her.

That had brought us back to Myo Juan, to kneeling before him, begging for the life of our miko. I wanted to cry, but tears were something I indulged in very seldom. We watched his cold face, and were amazed in the change in it at the mention of Shouka's name. His eyes, so angry, so dead to the world, opened wider and flashed. "Did you say Shouka?"

Nuriko nodded. "Hai, Shouka-san, we left Miaka with her..." His soft voice was wary, uncertain.

"Shouka..." Myo Juan's deep voice repeated, shaking. "Shouka... one year ago... died."

It took us only a moment. I glanced at Nuriko, catching the shock in his wide violet eyes, sure my own eyes looked the same. Tasuki looked more angry than surprised, a single curse escaping his lips. We all ran from the room, leaving the recluse staring after us.

The town we entered was vastly different from the one we had left. Darker, more foreboding, the city seemed intent on strangling us. The creatures of death we had fought earlier reappeared in the forms of the distorted bodies of the townspeople. They swarmed us, bent on driving us back, on keeping us away. Away from Miaka.

"Go to Miaka, Hotohori-sama! We'll take care of things here." Nuriko shoved one of the misshapen creatures away from him, sending it flying.

I watched him for a moment as he dispatched yet another, his small form dodging and striking gracefully. Tasuki to his side fought with the cool practiced hand of a mountain bandit, a man who had killed before. They could handle things. I caught Nuriko's eyes and nodded.

"Sorry, Nuriko!" I called as I turned and ran towards Miaka, anxious for her, but not wanting to abandon Nuriko or the shifty-eyed bandit, Tasuki.

I nearly kicked open the door to Shouka's home, not really knowing what was going on, but fearing the worst. I saw her as soon as I entered the room. Her normally cheerful eyes were clouded by the sickness that had invaded her. "Miaka!" I called to her. "Get away from Shouka!" My eyes caught sight of a moving shadow that rose up behind Miaka. The rest of what happened was a blur. The demon that had possessed the pretty young woman was dispelled by a reluctant hero, the recluse Myo Juan. It all ended quickly, sadly, as we watched the tall healer say good-bye and end the existence of the woman he had loved.

I watched him as he cradled her motionless form. It seemed almost as though he were holding the corpse of his only true love, and maybe he was. My eyes clouded with tears that I would not let fall. He had watched his love slip away, like sand from his fingers, powerless to bring her back, unable to hold onto her. I had never seen anything so sad as his face as he held her, refusing to let go, holding on to something already gone... But even then I could see how the love he had for her still held him, kept him going, made him draw each breath he took. I glanced at Miaka. Healed now, both of sickness and injury, she was crying softly, eyes flooding with tears. Looking over at Nuriko, I saw that he too was crying, softly, silently. The crystal tracks of his tears were only barely visible in the dim light. I turned my eyes back to Myo Juan and then away from him, thinking, waiting for the tears that threatened my eyes to pass.   
  


I wiped the tears off my face and moved to Miaka, resting a hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?" I murmured softly into her ear.

She nodded, silent. I watched her a moment more and turned to leave. Our newest seishi, Mitsukake, needed time with his love. I wasn't required nor wanted. I cast a glance at Tasuki and decided not to bother him. He looked very upset too. I liked him. He had a good sense of humor, even if he was a little too cocky for my tastes. He was a welcome brightness in the harsh seriousness that had clouded us recently.

I finally turned my eyes to Hotohori-sama. Though her head was bowed, her hair cascading over her shoulder in a waterfall of glorious mahogany, I could see the sparkle of tears in her eyes. I wanted so much to do something to console her, anything. Sighing softly, I lowered my eyes, turned around, and walked a bit away.

Much had happened since we had seen the "yama" kanji. Hotohori-sama's admittance of her lack of love for Miaka had surprised me at first, but I gradually saw in the way that she treated her that it was true. I wished I knew who it was that she cared for, the one of whom she had spoken earlier, just to know. It wasn't my right to know, but I just wanted her to be happy. If the man or woman she loved did not make her happy- or worse, hurt her- I... Well, I could do nothing, but I would want to. I guess I felt frustrated. Hotohori-sama had been told by Miaka that I was in love with her, but she had never responded. She had never even said anything. It hurt. I had spent so much time with her recently and I knew what a sweet, kind person she was. But why had she just left me hanging? Did I really matter so little?

I raised my eyes to the trees. Dawn was breaking. I had not slept all night, but neither had any of the rest of us except Miaka. The sky was a deep color, blue and purple and pink, with the faint white of clouds glistening against it.

So Tasuki had joined us, despite his original reticence, even saving us with his tessen. I discovered he had a sense of humor quite similar to mine, though his perception of people was sorely lacking. I knew he would be good company in the days to come, assuming we lived that long.

And then Shouka.

I had almost been hoping that she was the next seishi we had been looking for, just to make the search go faster. Maybe when we found all the seishi... then Miaka would get Tamahome back... and Hotohori-sama wouldn't be quite so sad and protective... and maybe... just maybe...

Foolish thoughts. I forced them from my mind. She loved someone already.

My heart still rebelled against what Akito had suggested. Yes, while I frequently entertained the idea of living with her forever, it was always with the small detail that she would love me as well. If what he had hinted at proceeded, then it would be nothing more than an arranged marriage, a marriage of convenience. I would be used. I would do my best to make her happy, but I knew I never could if she loved another.

I wandered a bit further away from everyone else, off into the woods. I stopped behind a copse of small trees at a sudden flash of deep purple. Turning my eyes to face it fully, I saw that the purple was flowers, a type I had never seen by Eiyou. My sister had loved flowers so much. I knelt down and searched for the most perfect one I could find. When I was satisfied, I took it and stood up.

I began to walk back, hoping that they were all still where I had left them. I had only been gone a few minutes.

I saw Hotohori-sama before anyone else. She had almost followed me toward the forest. Her back was turned to me, her eyes still lowered. I wanted to go to her and give her a gentle, reassuring hug, but it was not my place. The beautiful, perfect flower, my offering to her, lay gently in my hand as I lifted it up to her.   
  


I blinked, completely caught off-guard, the simple motion pulling me from the thoughts that had been floating through my mind. So thrown off was I that for a moment all I could do was stare at the small bright flower in his hand.

He gave me a small sad smile, the smile I never understood, that I wanted so much to understand. He spoke, and his voice matched his expression. "I didn't mean to disturb you... how are you doing?" The flower still lay in his outstretched hand, waiting for me to take it.

I reached out a hesitant hand as I regained my composure, a bit embarrassed at myself. "Iie... you aren't bothering me. Truthfully." My voice was quiet, soft, matching the subdued mood of the approaching dawn. The quiet was so fragile that I was afraid of shattering it. "Doing?" I began, addressing his other question after a small pause. "I'm doing well, just tired of so much searching and uncertainty." I glanced down at the flower; its petals were a vibrant purple and its stem long and slender. I fingered the stem between my fingers, watching it as I turned it over in my hand. "And thank you... for the flower."

He smiled a bit shyly. "I've never seen one like it before... My sister would have loved it. She would have said it matches her hair and gathered hundreds of them and filled the house with them." He stopped, his eyes coming out of the wistful remembering into which he had fallen. His voice was more serious when he spoke again. "Only one more seishi left and we're done. And then..." He paused, choosing his words carefully. A cool wind chose that moment to blow past us. I shivered despite myself. "And then we all go our separate ways."

I watched him a moment. "Separate ways." I repeated the words, not liking the taste they put into my mouth. I was not so sure I wanted that. Yes, I wanted Suzaku to be called and the country to be safe, but I did not want to lose the sense of belonging I had found with the seishi. I did not want to lose the friendship. "Hai... only one more," I affirmed, making my voice as cheerful as I could.

He turned his violet eyes back to me, his face an expressionless mask I could not hope to penetrate. "And then we'll call Suzaku, once we have Tamahome back. And then she'll be happy again..." He cast a glance in Miaka's direction, watching her for a moment.

My eyes followed his gaze, coming to rest on our miko as well. Her lone form was so still, quiet. "Hai, she will be..." I took my eyes away from Miaka, looking up to the sky. "Everyone will be better off then, ne? Once all the uncertainty is over." My gaze strayed back to Nuriko as I spoke the word uncertainty and I watched him.

A frown crossed his face as he studied my expression. "What will you do then, when all this is over? After we call Suzaku, I mean."

I smiled a slightly twisted smile. "Go back to life as usual, I suppose." But then, could I go back to normal life after all that had happened? Was it possible? And... did I want to? But no, my desires would not enter into this. I could not allow them to.

The smile he gave me was amazingly sad, an emotion that echoed in his deep violet eyes. "I do hope you find happiness then."

I smiled back, a true smile coming to my lips almost unbidden. I fingered the flower I still had in my hand, gently touching the soft petals. "Thank you." Neither of us spoke for a moment. "I hope you do as well... find happiness, I mean."

He lowered his face, eyes looking to the ground. "Thank you." The words were a quiet whisper, the only sound before he fell silent.

I watched him for a second before looking back to the bright morning sky. A moment later I found myself watching him again, wondering... My voice was as quiet as his as I answered. "You're welcome."

"And the healer, Mitsukake... he... he went to bury her?" he asked quietly after a moment of eerie stillness had passed.

I nodded, watching him quietly. The sunlight hit him at just an angle to make it look as though he were surrounded by some celestial halo. I shut my eyes wondering where that thought had come from. "Yes."

He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, as though warding off a chill that was not present in the morning's still air. "I... I can't imagine that... if I had to bury the one I love... I -" He stopped suddenly and looked up at me. A short flash of sudden panic flashed through his eyes for a moment before being covered, concealed.

I nodded, glancing at him curiously. The look on his face had been so fearful... so frightened. I could not guess at the thoughts that were in his mind. "I do not know how he can keep going... even after..." I paused. "Do you suppose she's still with him? Can love be that strong?" I stopped, realizing how philosophical and strange I must sound and fell into a sudden silence.

He smiled again, his strange bittersweet smile that I still could not fathom and hugged his arms closer to him. "Yes, I know it does. And... it's even stronger than that." The words were spoken like some sort secret that had never before been revealed.

I gave him a smile back. "Really?" I paused another moment, thinking. "I'd like to believe that... I think I can believe that..."

He nodded his deep bright eyes shining with a seriousness that only comes with true belief. "You can believe that. It's true." The smile that flickered across his face was small. "And we really should get some sleep.

I nodded in vague agreement with everything he had said. "Hai, you're right." I glanced at the rising sun and laughed, being struck by the strangeness of going to sleep at daybreak. "I would say goodnight..." I stopped for a moment, finding other words. "Sleep well, Nuriko."

His glance fell on Miaka again. "You as well... I'll go get Miaka and Tasuki. You should sleep now."

"Hai, arigatou, Nuriko." He smiled once more at me as I began towards the house we would be using for the night. The room we would be sharing was small but clean. Perhaps this place had been an inn, but somehow it held five beds. The townspeople, those still alive, were grateful to us and doing their best to show their good faith. I spread the blankets of the others on the small beds placing my own on the cot nearest the door. The others filed in shortly after. Mitsukake was silent, the knees of his pants covered with dirt from kneeling beside the grave of his love. He lay down immediately and slept. The others were silent as well save for a whispered goodnight and lay down quickly to take what few hours of sleep we would be offered. We awoke at noontime when the sun was straight up in the sky and stayed for the rest of the day, knowing we wouldn't get anywhere before darkness fell. We spent the next night much the same as that day. The sun had set hours before and the moon and stars were shining in the dark ocean of the sky. I sat atop my bed watching the play of the shadows the moonlight cast as it shone through the window.

The others were asleep, Tasuki snoring slightly, his fang-like teeth showing in a mischievous smirk. Mitsukake's face was as unreadable in sleep as it was in waking.

Miaka's face was peaceful and she stirred slightly even as I watched. "Tamahome..." her soft voice called out, a plea. I felt a twisting inside my chest. "We'll find him for you, Miaka. We'll get him back," I promised silently.

And Nuriko slept, his covers pulled nearly to his chin, only his face and the river of his violet hair showing above the blankets. I wondered if he was dreaming; the expression on his face was almost a smile, content. I watched him a moment more before settling myself down under my covers. It was late. I should sleep. But sleep was a long time coming for me that night, and when it came, it was dreamless, dark.

I awoke the next morning as the sun crested over the horizon and spilled its light across my face. I sat up, glancing around at the other sleeping forms of my companions. Tasuki, I noticed to my own displeasure, was still snoring.

Nuriko stirred slightly to my side but did not wake.

I got up as silently as I could and rolled up my blankets and sat on the edge of my bed watching him. Daylight was creeping silently through the window, tracing its golden glow across Nuriko's serene sleeping face. His expression was still so content, lips settled in something that was almost a smile. It was so amazing that even in sleep that strange secret smile could still grace his features. Beneath his blankets his chest rose and fell with his breathing, gently, slowly, in that strange timeless way that comes with a deep sleep. At that moment a small sigh escaped his lips, a soft whisper that blended into the morning air. His hair, tossed about by sleep, pooled around his face and shoulders, framing them in its softly flowing waves, the soft purple color seeming to glow in the morning light. He... I stopped short in my thoughts, shaking my head slightly. Where had those things come from? Why was I thinking like that?

Shaking my head and pushing such questions to the back of my mind I stood and walked cautiously, quietly over to Nuriko. He looked so fragile, so delicate as he slept. I placed my hand on his shoulder gently and called his name, my voice a quiet whisper. "Nuriko..."

The only reply I received was a "mmph." He rolled over, turning his face away from me, refusing to let go of sleep. He pulled the covers over his head, hiding. I laughed slightly, shaking my head. It was such a child-like action, innocent. My hand was still on his shoulder and I began shaking him carefully, softly. "Nuriko... wake up."

The covers moved down a few inches and his sleep-clouded violet eyes peeked out over them, narrowed in a glare. He looked ready to attack whoever it was that was waking him, to fight for his sleep. But suddenly his expression changed. His eyes widened in surprise and he sat bolt upright in one abrupt motion. "Hotohori-sama!"

"Good morning... Sorry to wake you like that, but we should be moving out soon." I half-grinned at him.

His face was still clearly painted with surprise. "Hai... you're right. Would you like me to wake the others or pack up the horses?" The townspeople had been kind enough to supply us with horses for our journey.

Glancing around at the sleeping forms, I thought for a moment. "I'll see to the horses." It struck me as only slightly odd that I would feel more comfortable dealing with animals than people.

He nodded, a little grin coming to his face. "I'll wake the little sleeping children then. Should we meet you outside?"

I nodded back and found myself returning his smile unconsciously. Children. The description was so absurd and yet so fitting. "Hai, outside. I'll see if we can't secure some breakfast too... so Miaka doesn't eat anyone."

He laughed at this, a soft dancing sound that fit into the morning like the song of a bird. "I'll make breakfast then. I'll bring some out for you. We'll eat on the road, all right?"

"Wonderful." I nodded and left the room as quietly as possible shutting the door silently behind me. The horses were in a small stable to the side of the house we were staying in. I entered through a side door and stood a moment watching the feisty trio of animals we had been given. I stepped towards them and saddled them quickly.

I was just fastening the last strap of the third saddle when Nuriko stepped in the room followed by the others. Tasuki and Mitsukake were looking markedly disgruntled about being pulled from bed so early and Miaka looked asleep still, her green eyes blinking in an attempt to stay open. "Are we set?" Nuriko at least, seemed awake now.

I nodded. "Hai, set." I petted the horse gently on its muzzle, watching it perk its ears towards the sound of our voices.

Nuriko sent me a cocky smile, something mischievous suddenly flashing in his eyes. "You're a good horseman, Hotohori-sama," his voice lilting oddly over the word "man." Still grinning, he clambered onto his horse and flashed another smile my way.

Mounting my horse easily, I gave Nuriko an amused look and laughed. Everyone gave me a questioning look dimmed with sleep. I shrugged the looks off, feeling quite comfortable atop a horse, having been taught to ride as a child. To my right, Tasuki and Mitsukake managed to mount their horse while still asleep, a feat which impressed me. Miaka bounced over to me. I reached down and pulled her up easily to sit in front of me. "Are we ready then?"

Nuriko nodded cheerfully. "Hai!"

Tasuki's head moved in an attempt at a nod and his voice was muffled. "Aa." He sat behind Mitsukake on the same horse, nearly sleeping on the large man's back. Mitsukake simply nodded.

"Hai!" Miaka chirped her agreement, her spirit no doubt buoyed by our luck in finding Tasuki and Mitsukake so quickly. She paused. "Where are we going now?"

"We have to find the last seishi," Nuriko offered and then turned his eyes to me as he spoke his next words, his deep violet eyes staring straight into me. "Then we call Suzaku and..." He trailed off, turning his gaze back to Miaka. "We'll get Tama back." He started his horse moving.

My horse began forward as well with only a little prodding. I glanced down at Miaka. Her face was as always cheerful, full of hope. I smiled at her slightly before turning my eyes back to the path we were following.

"Only one more to find! We're doing good, ne?" She turned her face to look at Nuriko.

He nodded, smiling back at her. "I wonder who he could be?" He cast a hidden glance at me for the briefest moment. "Or she, of course. I'm sure it won't be long until we find him. Or her."

I watched him out of the corner of my eyes, raising an eyebrow curiously. It was then that I heard Miaka's voice. It was strung with a slightly pensive quality. "Well, all the seishi have been men so far. There should be at least one girl in the group, right? Unless only a man can be a seishi..." She looked a bit confused but quickly shrugged it off, her thoughts as always coming and going with the blowing breeze. I felt my face coloring and so hung my head, letting my hair spill over my features, hiding me. "I guess we'll see," Miaka finished.

Nuriko's face worked its way into a plaintive little pout. He cupped his hand to his cheek, a gesture he was so prone to doing. It was sort of endearing, making him seem almost vulnerable, innocent. "What? I'm not woman enough for you, Miaka?" he asked, voice disapproving.

Miaka laughed, shaking her head quickly. "Gomen, Nuriko. Of course you are!"

Nuriko laughed as well, his soft, free, singing laugh. "Good then!" I felt more than saw his gaze stray to me for a moment and he was silent. "Just one more..." He trailed off.

Miaka smiled. "And then Tamahome can come back, like he promised." Her voice was wistful, as though whispering a prayer to the sunny sky.

I thought I could still feel Nuriko's eyes on me, but I didn't look at him. My eyes began to stray towards his direction, but I drew them away quickly after seeing that his dark violet eyes were indeed focused on me. "Hai..." he paused for a moment. "You really love him, don't you?" In that moment, I almost thought his voice sounded wistful.

"Hai, I do." The words were a quiet whisper, as though Miaka were afraid to speak them out loud.

My hair was still covering my face as the small smile crept onto my lips. It was nice to see true love, to know it still existed... to hope for something like it some day. I lifted my eyes, peering through my hair at Nuriko, the small smile still on my face. He met my eyes after a moment, not smiling but not frowning either. In his dark reflecting eyes, a deep sadness shone and a longing...

"I understand that..." He looked away then, down to his own horse and his hands tightened slightly around the reins.

Miaka grinned. "Good! You understand because you love-" She choked off suddenly, stopping mid-sentence.

A flush crept into Nuriko's face, his cheeks turning a few shades darker than normal. He kept his eyes focused on the path ahead. "Hai." His voice was quiet, but open, not holding anything back.

I watched him for a long moment, feeling a strange sensation creep into me, cold, dark. Nuriko was in love with someone as well. I suppose I should have been happy for him and yet... and yet... I left the thought unfinished.

A quick apologetic look crossed Miaka's face. He turned his head to give her a quick reassuring smile and looked back to the road. "Ne, Miaka, I thought you were going to be eaten by that demon." The glance he gave her was wry, amused. "That would have been quite a switch..."

Miaka made a face at him, scrunching up her nose and sticking out her tongue but then faded into laughter. I laughed as well, softly. Miaka sighed over-dramatically. "You're all against me today!"

Nuriko smirked, his face looking brighter than it had been a moment ago. I was glad. It was nice to see him smiling; it so matched the sunshine of the day. "No, no, Miko-sama!" He laughed again. "We're just being honest!"

Miaka stuck her tongue out again. "Right."

I pushed my long hair out of my face and looked back at Nuriko and watched him for a long moment. I caught myself nearly staring at him and pulled my eyes away. _Why?_

Nuriko laughed again at her. "Glad you agree! You do realize you are the luckiest miko ever, don't you?"

"Why?" Miaka's voice was flooded with confusion.

His face twisted into a delightedly evil expression. "Because you have the most beautiful seishi protecting you!"

"Oh... of course..." Miaka coughed.

I smirked, managing only barely to hold back a laugh. Their chatter continued, bouncing from cheerful topic to cheerful topic, their voices suddenly rising in trilling laughs. It was strange to listen to the two of them, so happy together, open.

The sun had completely come up, shining brightly in a sapphire sky that was as clear and cloudless as it could be, so clear that even the moon could be seen casting its pale visage through the blue velvet of the sky. Nuriko was attempting to teach Miaka the words to a song. The two of them laughed as each one stumbled over words or tune and began again, their two different voices melding together in a lovely melody that floated through the air. I smiled to myself as I recognized the song. And I had never heard it sung so well. Nuriko's voice was clear, almost rivaling the bird's of the summer sky. And there I was thinking like that again. I did not understand myself sometimes. I shrugged away the strange feelings settling into me, trying to dismiss them from my mind, but I could not. They settled themselves inside my chest, leaving a strange sensation I could not shake.

I guess I must have been silent for a while, caught up in my thoughts because Nuriko called out to me. "Hotohori-sama? Are you all right?"

I jerked my head up, my thoughts scattering like petals on the wind. "I... yes... of course."

The smile he gave was worried, but it quickly brightened as his eyes caught sight of something. "You still have your flower!"

Miaka was still singing, attempting to figure out the chorus. I nodded, glancing at the flower I still had held loosely in my hand. I smiled. "Hai, I didn't kill it yet..."

Nuriko laughed. "I doubt you will..." He glanced back at Miaka as she hit a sour note and winced slightly. "Iie, Miaka... like this..." He showed her, his own voice dancing easily through the flying notes of the song.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, blissfully quiet after all we had been through. Stopping for the night in a small rustic city, we secured ourselves a room in an inn for the night. A small fire danced in the fireplace, sending strangely swirling lights cascading across the room. I glanced at Nuriko as he sat on the edge of his bed, talking to the others, my eyes straying to him for the hundredth time that day. His face was half in shadow, but his eyes sparkled, reflecting the fire's glow. He looked almost dream-like, as though he would fade when the firelight danced away from him. He must have seen me watching him, for he turned his face towards me and flashed a quick smile at me. I blinked, unsure, caught off-guard for a moment. He had smiled at me, that smile. I smiled to myself unconsciously. I... I did not know why... I... felt...

He had smiled at me.

Oh gods.

I realized it all at once. My eyes widened slightly in the half-shadowed room as the truth flashed out of the darkness. I saw then why I had been catching myself watching him, why I felt so strange at his smile. I shook my head, trying to clear it. It was impossible... but it was true.

I was falling in love with him.   
  
  


** Yes, we realize that Nuriko says that they've been traveling on foot since they found Mitsukake (domo, Sushi-chan ^^;) but I wanted to put the horseman line in. ^^;;; Hey, it's a fic, and I have power. *grins and flexes her muscles* Also, from here on, the story will start to deviate more from the original plot. Gomen if you don't like it- but that's what fanfics are for. I hope you are enjoying it so far!   


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_When I See You_   
Nuriko:   


When I see you   
It breaks my heart that I can't be with you   
But the sun still rises, and so I must move on   
I feel so weak around you   
Don't you understand what you do to me?

When I see you   
I want to cry because you don't love me   
But the sun still rises, and so I keep going   
I only want to be with you   
Don't you care what you do to me?

Broken hearts aren't all you have for me, right?   
I can't stand it sometimes   
Someday I'll give up, but not without a fight

When I see you   
I pretend I can't see you, like you do to me   
As the sun sets, I walk away   
I'm going to leave before it's too late   
I have to stop myself from caring for you   
  


by [Marron][2]

  


* * *

  


  


Part Eight

  
  


I suppose the flute was all right, but it annoyed me at first, possibly because I was convinced that Miaka had lost her mind, and it had bothered me that I hadn't heard what had actually existed.

Hotohori-sama and Tasuki had raced out to save her and brought her back, mostly unharmed, but a little shaken. What they also returned with was the seventh seishi, Chiriko, the one who had saved Miaka from the bats and Kutou's assassin. Now we could get Tamahome back from Nakago and Miaka would be happy again.

We were staying in Tamahome's family's house. Mitsukake had healed Tama-chan's father and all the children were excited to see Miaka.

I was sitting just outside, waiting, for once, for everyone else to get up. I was too busy thinking. The sun was casting glints of red and pink through the sky, pinpricks of stars still showing through. I did not like mornings normally, but I hadn't been able to sleep. Something was wrong. I could feel it.

Several factors had added to the sense of wrongness I felt. Hotohori-sama had been acting differently toward me, almost quieter toward me. I was unsure why. What had changed? Had I done something to offend her? I didn't know, but I wanted to fix it. She didn't smile as easily at me now.

I was happy we had found the seventh seishi, but something just didn't feel completely right about it. Maybe I just wasn't looking forward to the future, after we called Suzaku- and having to part from Hotohori-sama. It still bothered me that I hadn't been able to hear the flute. I had remarked rather casually as we were traveling that I hadn't been able to hear it, and the tone in Hotohori-sama's voice as she reprimanded me for doubting the miko stung deeply. She had never spoken to me like that before.

That was what worried me the most. Her moods had become much more varied than usual. My mother had had similar experiences, moodiness and quick temper, and I wondered if it were from the same cause. If so, that was fine with me. But if it were because of something I had done, I wanted to know so I could remedy it. Even had I not loved her, I would still have wanted to fix it, but I needed to with her. Nothing mattered more to me than her. I would not be the cause of her unhappiness.

We were heading back to Eiyou today, to have a base from which to get Tamahome back and then to call Suzaku. I wanted to spend as much time as I could awake, alert, as much time as I could with her. My time was too limited. I didn't know what I would do with the rest of my life, but I would have to leave the palace. I couldn't live a lie if someone knew.

I turned my eyes back inside the small house. I could see her sleeping from where I was, her long dark hair scattered on the pillow around her face. She stirred, yet I continued to watch. She looked so young when she slept, so peaceful and innocent, so much like the young girl that she was. I wished I could have told her how much I wanted to protect her, how much I wanted to make her happy. Her face was pale against the rich darkness of her hair, her cheeks a faint pink against the light skin, her lips a shade darker, the color of a summer rose, true and clear. I knew behind her lidded eyes slept the kindest soul I had ever met. She had her faults, of course. She was somewhat blind to the people around her, those close to her, but what she saw and understood, she cared for deeply. Like Miaka. She had loved Miaka, or so she had thought, but she had always taken the best of her that she could. I still didn't understand how Miaka could have chosen Tamahome over Hotohori-sama, and I doubted that I ever would.

She stirred again, blinking and opening her eyes. I stood up and looked away quickly, moving to finish packing up my horse. I had already packed the others' horses, except for their bedrolls and clean clothes. It wasn't that I wanted to go home any earlier- quite the opposite. But I needed something to do. I'm sure I looked terrible. No sleep does that to a person.

I heard movements inside the house and assumed that she was waking the rest of them. I moved to the doorway, hovering there, shy and unsure, waiting. When they were ready, it would be time to go. We would get Tamahome back, call Suzaku, Miaka and Tamahome would be happy, and I would leave the palace.

And I would never see Hotohori-sama again.   
  


I rode through the gates as the sun was still lazing high in the sky. The cadence of my horse's hoof beats thundered through the streets, echoing off the walls even as I slowed the tired animal to a walk. In all truth I was not overly eager to return to the palace. I was worried about the country, with Kutou so close to our borders, but I needed time to think, to let my thoughts sort themselves out. And so I rode in silence and let my mind take me away.

I had left the others earlier that day, slipping away without a word, without an excuse. I had not wanted to leave them, but I thought it best that I did. I had not slept much the night before; I could not. I was... falling in love with Nuriko. I was still not quite believing it. He was a man. The emperor of a country could not fall in love with a man. It could not happen.

And yet, I was the emperor of the country. I was a woman, and despite my telling myself that it could not work, that he loved someone else, I was falling in love with him. I had lain awake the first half of the previous night, watching him as he slept, wondering so many things... wondering what it would be like to touch his soft flowing hair...

I had spent the remainder of the night trying to force such thoughts from my mind.

I had been quieter towards him, towards everybody. I tried to act normal, but I had been too afraid- afraid I'd say something I'd regret. Afraid that somehow they would be able to tell my thoughts. Afraid that somehow Nuriko would find out, especially if he loved another, the one whose name Miaka would not mention. And so I had left them, turning back briefly to see him perched atop his horse, Miaka in front of him. The sunshine, as always, made his long braided hair shine. I smiled once, and slipped away before they noticed I was gone.

I quickened my horse as I reached the stables and dismounted as the horse was still going, landing softly on my feet. I petted its muzzle one last time and handed the animal off to a stable attendant who gave me a curious, questioning look. I half-smiled at him and continued to my chamber. I peeled off the dusty traveling clothes and quickly washed my face and my neck with the cool water that lay in the basin on my dresser. I watched myself in the mirror as the layer of dust that had settled around my face vanished with the cleansing water. My face was a bit red, especially my cheeks. My hair fell in disordered waves near my face; the ponytail I had tied it back in earlier was only barely clinging to the ends of my hair. I smiled slightly. I looked a bit tired, maybe a bit sunburned, but still all right, I assured myself.

The flower Nuriko had given me lay alone on the table where I had set it when I entered. Glancing at it for a moment, I smiled softly to myself. I had been afraid it would die on the road, before I could get home, before I could put it with the others. Lifting it gently in my hand, I set it with the rest that he had given me, hanging it upside down to dry it. I watched it for a moment, seeing his face when he had given it to me, questioning, shy, a bit unsure. The smile on my face brightened a bit more, unbidden, unconscious. Shrugging back my long loose hair, I turned away from the flowers and back to getting dressed. I slipped into the voluminous robes of the emperor of Kounan and put my slightly wild hair up underneath the small crown I normally wore. I studied myself in a mirror again, finding myself looking into my own eyes. I slid my feet into a couple of slipper-like shoes and headed towards the throne room to find Chichiri and free the poor man from my job.

But he was not there when I arrived. Only Akito was in the room, blinking in slight confusion at the blank air in front of him. His sharp eyes flashed towards me as I entered the room. "Ah, heika-sama, you're back!" The twist he put to the words was amazing. The man had sarcasm down to an art. "Glad to see your journey went well. Did it ever occur to you to tell me you'd be leaving and having a slightly psychotic pretender take your place?"

I could not help grinning. "So you noticed, ne?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Yes, I noticed, Sai-chan." He called me by that nickname when he thought he was saying something important or nostalgic... or parental. He was the only one from whom I would even tolerate that and he knew it. He knew it well. "Please, at least leave some sort of note. At first I thought you were sick and then I thought you had gone completely insane, and finally I figured out what was going on. Sai-chan, do you have any idea how worried I was about you?" His voice was reproaching, but not in a condemning way. Instead, it was strung with relief.

I smiled slightly. Ever since I had been a child, as long as I could remember, Akito had been there. Mother had trusted him. No, I corrected myself, Mother had loved him, and he had loved her. I do not think Akito knew that I knew that about him and Mother. I never mentioned it and neither did he, but I knew. "Gomen, Akito..." I smiled fully at him, watching his sarcastic face work its way into a smirk and then a smile.

"If you weren't the emperor, I'd have you flogged..." He paused. "Heika-sama."

I glanced towards the door, hearing the sound of voices just outside. The others had returned, the other seishi. We had found them all, and as soon as we retrieved Tamahome, we could call Suzaku. Smoothing out my robes and gesturing for Akito to follow me, I stepped out into the bright sunshine of the day.

"Where's Hotohori?" I heard a voice, Mitsukake.

"He slipped off a while ago..." someone answered him.

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Nuriko's soft voice drifted through the morning air. "Hotohori-sama's the..."

I stepped into their view at that moment and watched their jaws drop to the ground. "Never mind, Nuriko."

"Welcome home, heika-sama!" exclaimed Chichiri cheerfully, popping out of nowhere.

"Th-th-th-the emperor?" the bandit blurted out, a look of horror creeping into his face as he remembered his actions of earlier and how we had met. Mitsukake regarded me with those strange silent eyes and nodded ever so slightly. Chiriko's wide eyes widened even more in amazement, perhaps, but something else that flickered for a moment and then was gone. Uncertainty? Doubt? Fear? I dismissed those thoughts and walked towards them.

Nuriko was smirking, standing slightly behind Miaka. She whispered something to him and the two of them dissolved into a quiet fit of girlish laughter. I smiled to myself and headed into the formalities through which we had to go.

It was at dinner that night that the biggest matter came out. Tamahome. It was Chichiri who told us we could talk with him, through the use of magic. Miaka's eyes widened, hope sparkling in them brightly. I glanced at Nuriko. He sat quietly, almost withdrawn from the conversation, wrapped within himself and whatever thoughts lay in his mind. I wondered what he was thinking, but it was not for me to know his thoughts. Miaka got up, knocking her chopsticks and empty bowl onto the floor. The room as a whole grimaced and she smiled apologetically before hurrying off to prepare herself for her meeting, her reunion with the one she loved.

Chichiri followed her out after a few moments, then Mitsukake and Chiriko left as well. It seemed the two of them got on well together. Tasuki sat muttering under his breath and casting sideways, suspicious looks my way. I smiled at him for the tenth time that night and his eyes widened. I should have said something more to assure him... but truthfully, I enjoyed watching him sweat a bit; he had no idea what to make of me. After a time even the bandit slunk out of the room nervously, watching me over his shoulder until the door was closed behind him.

Nuriko lingered in the room for another moment. In that time our eyes met for the briefest instant. It was amazing how his eyes spoke, whispering the very nature of his self, of his soul. He stood, bowed quickly, and headed for the door. I watched the closed door for a few moments, letting my thoughts take me. The candles flickered sporadically in the dim room.

Nuriko. I thought I understood then why I was falling in love with him. It was his laugh, his soft free laugh that came so frequently, so sweetly, over his lips. It was his way of being at ease with everyone, of making whomever he talked to feel comfortable. It was his smile, his bittersweet smile that transcended understanding, but that called for it, that dared you to comprehend it. It was the gentle way he conducted himself with everyone, so caring, so true.

It was his eyes.

I stood and once again straightened my robes, brushing dismally at the heavy fabric, and stepped outside onto the balcony that overlooked the palace corridors. I leaned against the railing, breathing in the night air, only barely mindful of the strange chill it brought as it settled on my skin, my arms, my face. Something hung in the moonless sky that night, a dark mist, almost foreboding. I shivered despite myself.

The other two figured detached themselves from the shadows and came to stand on either side of me. Tasuki and Nuriko. I glanced at each of them in turn, my eyes lingering a moment longer on Nuriko, his smooth, perfect features shadowed by the darkness. Someone said something- I do not recall exactly what- and at that moment, Miaka came sprinting down the corridor below us. I smiled to myself. She was running to her love.

Tasuki opened his big mouth again. "But I thought Miaka was in love with the emperor..." His eyes lit up. "Ah! Could it be a love triangle?" He was cut off from any other less than tactful comment by a driving force that propelled him into a nearby wall. I glanced at Nuriko who flashed me a quick, sweet smile.

"Shall we take leave of this jerk, heika-sama?" He glanced meaningfully at Tasuki who was rubbing his head and looking around dizzily. I nodded at him, turning away quickly from his penetrating gaze and smiling out at the darkness. We stood there a while in the sparkling night, leaning against the railing side by side and silent. I could feel his eyes upon me. I turned to face him but quickly turned away, after nearly losing myself in those deep mysterious eyes. Silence once again took us, but not the empty uncomfortable silence that needed filling. It was a complete silence in itself and I was content to just stay there, knowing he was beside me, but wishing... wishing I could tell him.

The next day came and passed. I was wrapped up in the daylight matters that plagued my position as emperor. The whole city was abuzz at the news of the gathering of the seishi and a decree of some sort needed to be made. And it was made, although it was a vague, sketchy decree at best. We were still uncertain, but our uncertainty would be ended when the night came.

Miaka went to Kutou with Chichiri. Tasuki accompanied them as well. Tactless though he was, he was brave, dedicated. I would give him that. We waited in anxious worry, talking amongst ourselves.

Useless. I felt so useless all over again.

They returned later that night together- Miaka, Chichiri, Tasuki- without Tamahome. Miaka had fled into my arms, sobbing, and I held her while she cried. He had turned against us. Our hopes, our plans, and our future crashed at our feet and shattered into a million small shards. Mitsukake healed Miaka's arm and we let her be. She was upset, frightened and she needed to be alone. We respected that and the rest of us filed away from her, leaving her alone in her room.

I retired to my vacant study and sat, resting with my thoughts, in the high-backed chair that had been my father's. I was almost dreaming awake when Nuriko entered the room quickly and knelt urgently beside me. At first I thought he might be a part of the dream that had been overtaking me, but such thoughts were abruptly cut short as he handed me a short note- in Miaka's handwriting. And he couldn't find Miaka.

I stood up frantically. "She wouldn't." I ran from the room, scared to death for Miaka, for my miko. Nuriko remained for a moment behind me. I assume he went to get the others, but at the moment, my mind was on saving Miaka. I reached the edge of the great body of water, screaming her name, not allowing the "what-ifs" buzzing through my mind to persist.

A shoe floated to the top of the water. Miaka's. Oh, gods, she was in the water. Without a second thought I jumped in after her. The darkness of the rolling waters were suddenly illuminated by a scarlet light as my ki gathered around me and flared. I saw her, tangled among weeds and unconscious. I scooped her into my arms and began back to the surface and back to shore.

The others were there, relief flooding their eyes. I cradled the motionless body of my miko, thanking the gods that she still breathed. I glanced up and saw Nuriko watching me, a strange mix of emotions reflected in his face. Was it fear? Hope? A wistful longing? For what, I could only begin to imagine.

Still dripping wet, I stood and carried Miaka back to her room, seeing her safely tended to and put into bed. I sat beside her, watching her, watching each breath she drew, until she awoke.

That was when it happened, when my whole world came crashing in on me at once. When everything I had once dreamed for, once longed for was brought before me, but I could not accept it.

"I can try to love you now, Hotohori." Her soft voice was weighted down with sadness and I had not seen it coming. I blinked, amazed. She... she would try to love me... I...

I would have given anything to hear that such a short time ago, but I knew it would never come, knew it could never be. And now I... I did not love her like that.

Nuriko. His face came into my mind, eyes so distant, secret, sad, seeking something. That half-smile that told of mysteries at which I could only guess flashed before my eyes.

And Miaka was kissing me. I do not know how it happened, but she was kissing me and I, shocked, unwilling to hurt her and so confused, was kissing back. It was a few moments. I do not know which one of us pushed away first, but someone did. I looked at her for a long minute, feeling so guilty. I knew she truly did not love me, but she had been hurt by Tamahome. I could not tell her I did not love her. I couldn't do that to her, not after everything she had just been through. But... my heart pulled inside me, wrenching until it was almost physically painful. I could not love her- my heart was somewhere else. I pushed her back onto the bed gently, bringing the covers over her carefully, tucking them in closely.

"Shhh..." I whispered, smoothing back her hair. "Sleep now, Miaka."

I sat beside her until I was sure she was asleep. Her face was so sad, even in sleep. I did not know what to do. I needed to talk to someone... and the name that came to my mind was Nuriko. He would listen; he would know what to do. He had to.

I stood silently and turned away from a dream whose time had passed and left the room, heading towards Nuriko's, barely aware of the late hour. Gathering all the courage I had left, I lifted my hand and knocked on his door softly, praying he was in.   
  


I tossed the clothes on the bed, not really caring where they landed. I was worried about Miaka, and very uncomfortable in the men's clothes I still wore, humming to myself a song my mother had taught me long ago to calm myself. My sister had loved this song and it always made me smile even now. I was wondering how Hotohori-sama and Miaka were doing. It must have been rather abrupt on both of them to have Tamahome turn against us. It had shocked me as well, that Tama-chan could forget such a thing as his feelings. But I was certain that everything would work out. Love was on our side.

I took another pair of pants out of my bag and sighed quietly. _I should try drowning..._

_You'd just end up drowning..._

I don't suppose Tasuki had realized how much those words had hurt- because of the truth I saw in them. But I would remember these last few days with her with joy, no matter what happened.

There was a quiet knock on my door and I glanced up, the pants still in my hands. "Come in!" I called, wondering who would be up so late, as well as would knock on my door.

The door opened slowly, the frame bordering a tall shadow. "I'm sorry for coming so late at night..."

I'm sure my face lit up. I could feel the smile starting unbidden on my face, but I didn't mind. I was delighted to see her. "Hotohori-sama!" I then stopped. Something wasn't right. She was upset. "What's wrong?

She paused for a minute, hovering in the doorway. "I... I didn't know who else I could talk to..." Her voice was quiet and sounded almost afraid. "I'm sorry for bothering you." She looked very uncomfortable.

I gave her a little smile. "You're never a bother." I glanced around my room and realized that the only place there was to sit was the bed. Why hadn't I ever thought of getting chairs?? There was only the little one by the mirror, and that was covered in clothes I had to put away. Cursing myself silently, I gestured to the bed. "Would you like to sit? My room is in a sort of disrepair at this point..." I shoved some clothes off the bed, tossing them onto the already-piled-high chair.

She did accept my offer, and sat down on the place I had cleared. Her hands were clasped tightly in front of her. "Thank you." She was quiet a moment. "It's Miaka."

Of course. It would be. I nodded and picked a few clothes off the bed, turning to my closet and putting them away. "I figured. What happened?" I half-turned, looking back at her.

Her voice was still low, soft. "After what happened... she's given up on Tamahome. She said she'd... she'd... try to love me..." She looked up at me, pale, her eyes stricken. "But I can't... I can't love her like that... I don't want to hurt her, but I can't." She dropped her eyes from me.

I slowly turned my entire body to face her, trying to keep my thoughts hidden from her. This had been her dream... and she was denying it? Her love for the unnamed person must be strong. I swallowed, watching any chance I thought I might have had dwindle and vanish into utter nothingness. "Hotohori-sama... are you sure? Isn't this what you wanted before?" I moved silently over beside her, seating myself, and watched her. My heart was conflicting. She loved someone else, yet she had come to me for advice. At least she still valued me as a friend. I would be happy with that. "Maybe... maybe you just need time to think about it."

She shook her head. "Before... I thought I wanted this, but it wasn't supposed to happen..." Her voice trailed off and she didn't look up.

I still watched her. "The safest person to love," I said softly. "It's because of the person you love now, isn't it? The one of whom you spoke before."

She looked up at me, almost suddenly, a little too controlled, her dark eyes shining with something that I could not read in the half-darkness. "Hai..." I guessed that she had told few people that she actually cared for someone. That made me feel good, to know that she trusted me that much. But I'd have to be happy as her friend and no more. I couldn't afford to ask for more with so little time with her remaining.

I looked away and stood up, gathering a few more articles of clothing and placing them in a box in the corner. The maids would take those away to wash them. I then turned around, leaning against the wall, my long braid caught up in my hands. I twisted it silently a moment, watching her. "Well... what you do is up to you."

She nodded slowly. "I know." Her eyes raised and looked to me. "Thank you for listening to me... I appreciate it."

I met her eyes, my voice quiet. "Would you like to know what I would do?"

She nodded, her eyes not leaving mine. I found that strange, but wasn't complaining. "Yes."

My voice was steady. "I would follow my heart." I gave her a small smile. "I always have." My smile turned rather wry. "It's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past though."

She smiled at me, her eyes a little distant, and I wondered what she was thinking about, but then her expression switched to very serious. "I think you're right though," she said, her voice quiet and open. "If you aren't true to yourself, everything you do is a lie, ne?"

I met her eyes again, my gaze unwavering. "Much of my life is a lie anyway." I lowered my eyes. "Except my heart. Perhaps that is why it is so important to me."

She nodded, understanding crossing her face, and continued to watch me silently. I didn't want to start squirming, but her gaze on me felt too discerning.

I sighed quietly and went back, seating myself on the bed again, but at the opposite end of it. "Do you know what you are going to tell her?"

She shook her head. "No..." She paused a moment, reflecting. "Or maybe I just don't know how to tell her."

I made my voice as gentle as I could. "What about just telling her the truth? Tell her that you are in love with someone. She'll understand. She only wants your happiness..." Like I do, I finished silently.

She nodded, keeping her eyes lowered. "I just don't want to hurt her."

I tried to meet her eyes, to convince her of what I saw as truth. "I think not telling her would hurt her more."

She looked up at me finally, her dark eyes almost scared. "You're right."

I gave her a little smile. "I know it will be fine." My smile suddenly turned into a smirk. "And of course I'm right."

She laughed quietly at this, her tenseness broken for a second. "Of course."

I studied her silently, seriously, for a moment, my mood suddenly solemn again. The moonlight was wafting in through the window, tracing light softly onto her delicate face, over her high cheekbones, firm under her pale skin, over her elegant lips resting together comfortably, over her rich, long hair, ebon in the night, trickling over her shoulders, over her dark eyes, causing them to shine brightly in the darkness, more full of emotion than I had ever seen them. My voice was quiet. "You really are beautiful, you know."

She glanced up, giving me a curious look. My eyes widened. Why had I said that?? Refraining myself from suicide, I forced my face to remain normal, or at least close to it. "Th-thank you..." she said, looking a little confused.

I gave her a half-smile, trying to cover my embarrassment. "Gomen... just a passing thought." I decided to switch the topic. No need to dwell on my big mouth. "Do you think what I do is wrong?"

She looked confused again. I wondered if I should start keeping score. "What you do?"

I nodded slowly, moving my eyes away from her. "Yes... my cross-dressing." I could see her out of the corner of my eye and the darkness I was in helped obscure my face. Her features were still lit by the moonlight.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "I'm not one to make judgments on that subject... but no."

I kept my eyes away from her. "Many people do. I mean, you have a reason for it, for yourself."

She kept her voice quiet. "There's usually a reason for everything."

I nodded slowly, and turned my eyes to the wall across from me, watching how the shadows from the trees and the moonlight danced over it with passing breezes. "Yes."

I could feel her eyes on me, studying me. She seemed to be watching my eyes, as if she wanted to meet them with hers. "I know it's a personal question... but what is yours?"

I looked at her for a brief instant, meeting her eyes at last, then looking away almost immediately. My voice was faint. "When... when I was ten... my little sister was... killed... in front of my eyes..." My hands clenched, recalling the helplessness I had felt.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her eyes widen. She was silent, so I continued almost blindly, unable now to stop. "We were so alike, Kourin and I, best friends, really. And when she died, I..." I stopped, taking my braid into my hand, playing with the end of it for comfort. "I became her to live for her."

"For her..." She looked at me and reached across the bed, resting a gentle hand on my arm, trying to reassure me. She continued to watch me silently.

I looked at her, surprise in my eyes. I hadn't expected her to react quite like that. I had been imagining more of a nod and a subject change, which is what had always happened when I was younger, to both my brother and myself. "Hotohori-sama..."

She just smiled at me slightly, a bit sadly, and shook her head, looking as if she had rethought what she had been about to say.

I looked away again. "That's it. That's my secret." I paused, silent. "I've never told anyone that."

She seemed a bit surprised. "I'm... glad you told me." She was still a second. "I'm sorry... if I brought back painful memories though."

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not sorry." And I wasn't. There was no one that I would rather tell about myself than her, the one about whom I wanted to know everything and whom I wanted to know everything about me. I gave her a small smile. "I'm glad it was you."

She looked a little thrown off at that, unsure what to say. "Thank you..." It was then that she seemed to realize her hand was still on my arm. I watched her pull it away, having relished her touch for the few moments that I had it.

I shifted my weight, leaning against the head of the bed, turning to face her, and tucking my legs beneath me. "And you? Surely the emperor was young as well." I tilted my head to the side, looking at her. "And has secrets." I flashed her a grin. "It's only fair... but I suppose your secrets are much more interesting than mine."

She half-grinned back at me. "My childhood was uneventful. Mother wouldn't let me play with the other children too much... in case they found out."

I nodded. "Seems logical."

She nodded back in agreement. "It was very logical, and I suppose it worked." Her eyes looked a bit distant again.

I gave her another grin. "I ruined that, didn't I?"

She smiled at nothing in particular. "Yes, you did." She laughed softly. "But I'm glad you did."

I turned my eyes to her, surprise, I'm sure, again very readable in them. "You are? Why?"

She looked away. "I can be myself with you..." She glanced back to me and her voice was quiet. "And you don't judge me."

I blinked, confused. "Judge you for what?"

"For being who I am," she said softly, "for being who I really am. Or for my secret."

I blinked again, still lost as to her meaning. "Why would I?"

"Because many people do... the fact that you don't see why..." She smiled that smile at me and I was startled. I hadn't seen it in so long, it felt. "It speaks much for you."

I watched her in the dark room, half-thrilled and half-confused, quiet. "Ne... Hotohori-sama... why Miaka?"

She smiled, reminiscence drifting over her face. "It's a very long story, I suppose... Suzaku no Miko and her legend... I heard it when I was still little..."

I smiled to myself, picturing her as a child. "I wish I could have known you when you were little. You... probably would have liked my sister. What happened then?"

She shrugged. "There really isn't much to tell. The girl from the legend... I thought maybe, maybe she'd see me for who I am... maybe she wouldn't care about my secret..." She laughed softly. "When I was little, I thought maybe she could actually be my friend."

I kept my tone gentle. "You had no friends?"

She shrugged again. "There was always Akito."

That name brought to mind other matters and I frowned slightly. "Why is he going around asking questions about me? Yumi said that he had asked her several different things a few times." The maid had come up to me this morning and told me, her eyes a little worried. She had given me specifics about what he had asked her, and I was clueless why he would bother.

I thought I saw her flush slightly in the dim light. "Probably because you know my secret and he's a suspicious old man."

I sighed. "I'm not going to tell anyone. But she said they were odd questions. Whether I'm a neat person or not. Whether I have good table manners or not." I'm sure my face looked as puzzled as I felt. "What my favorite color, flower, and dress styles are."

She shook her head. "I'll speak to him about that."

I gave her a quick smile. "I'm just curious as to why... that's all."

She nodded, looking a bit nervous.

I waited for a reply and got none, so decided to strike out a new topic myself. "You'll be all right... about Miaka?"

She nodded again, but this time gave me an answer. "I hope so." Her dark eyes still looked worried, but less so than when she had first entered my room.

I gave her a warm smile. "Just tell her the truth and you'll be fine."

She smiled a little back. "I will." I felt her eyes on me, almost studying me, a moment more. "Thank you."

It was almost uncomfortable, having her watch me that long, but I smiled at her. I think my face held that uneasiness in it, but I hoped it was hard to pick up in the dark room. "Anytime. I'll still be here if you need me later." I suddenly yawned and then laughed. "I might be asleep though."

She blinked, the realization of how late it actually was dawning on her. "Oh, I'm sorry!! I'm keeping you up!" She stood hurriedly, looking ashamed.

I laughed, a sad smile crossing my face. "Hotohori-sama, I'd rather talk to you than sleep any time." Especially now that it was drawing near for me to never see her again. I stood as well. "But you need to rest because you have to make important decisions." I gave her a faint smile. "All I have to do is decide which dress to wear tomorrow."

She shook her head slightly, smiling back. "In any case, I will leave you to rest now." She walked toward the door slowly, stepping quietly across the wooden floor. Her long thick robes concealed her body very well. I vaguely wondered if she had the curves of a woman, then blushed, banishing that thought from my mind. "Oyasumi, Nuriko."

I remained where I was, watching her graceful movements, almost those of a dancer in a dream, despite her heavy clothing. "Oyasumi, heika-sama."

She stepped out of my room slowly, turning back to glance at me once, her eyes meeting mine, and then the door was shut between us.

My hand went immediately to the place she had laid her hand on my arm. She had touched me, of her own free will. My own hand mimicked the feeling I had had, and I suddenly sighed, dropping my hand. Foolish dreams again.

I changed into my nightclothes and went to bed.   
  


Nuriko's words still whirled through my mind as I sat beside Miaka, watching her sleep. _Follow your heart..._ but I could not- not completely. I would tell Miaka, when she awoke, that I could not love her like that, that I could not love her as Tamahome had. But I could not tell the one to whom I had lost my heart that I loved him. Nuriko loved someone already. I shut my eyes, leaning back in the chair I had taken for the night, letting my thoughts wander. The cold feeling of uncertainty, of fear that had plagued me earlier was gone, driven away by Nuriko's reassurance, his advice.

He had said I was beautiful.

I had heard it before, people telling me I was beautiful, and it was true, but hearing it from him... Perhaps I was being foolish- I certainly sounded it to myself- but the feeling that crept over me when I remembered his words, was almost a blush... almost. I drifted off to sleep, my mind still clouded with confusion that seemed to center around that familiar smiling face.

I awoke the next morning to see Miaka watching me, her dark eyes blinking in the morning light. I smiled at her slightly and opened my mouth. I would tell her now. But a pounding at the door announced I was not allowed to. "There's an intruder in the palace!"

I stood, my robes falling in a swirl around me as I did so. "Who is it?" I asked, although I already knew the answer to the question; it was nestled in a swarm of dread in the back of my mind.

"It's Tamahome-sama, the Suzaku shichiseishi!"

Almost without thinking I dragged Miaka into another room, shut the door and secured it with a large wooden plank. I knew why Tamahome was here- he was here for Miaka. He was here to kill her.

The rain beat down softly, unrelenting, making everything seem to be wrapped in a dreary mist. The world moved in slow motion. I faced my opponent, the two of us circling around each other on the tips of our feet. Tamahome had come back, but it was not the Tamahome any of us remembered. His eyes were hard and shone with a dangerous threatening gleam. He had come back to kill Miaka, but we would not allow that. I would not allow that. The others had gathered around us and they watched in silence as we went through the deadly dance of feint, strike, dodge, and strike again. The rain fell into my eyes as I brought my blade up to block his. He pulled away and leaped into the air, jumping at me for a killing stroke. Without thinking, I raised my sword and watched the blade pass through him. He fell, crumpling to the ground. His blood mingled with the rain water as he lay, struggling for breath. Miaka appeared then, running to her love despite the danger, despite the fact that he had turned against her.

And suddenly, the mark of Suzaku glowed upon his forehead, the same color as his spilled blood. I watched as the impossible happened. As though from the grave, Tamahome returned, his eyes normal, his voice steady, as it had been of old.

I turned to leave them as Mitsukake was bent over Tamahome, the healing light radiating from his hand. All eyes were on our returned friend, all eyes except one pair. Nuriko was watching me silently, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, the rain touching his cheeks, his hair, his lips. Even in the grayness he managed to shine with a vibrant brightness. A small smile was creeping across his face. Someone called his name and he turned away from me to look towards the others. Before he could look back, before I could be caught once again under the spell of his eyes, I turned away and walked to my room.

The room was growing dim with the onslaught of dusk. I had left the others in their rejoicing and come to spend time with my own thoughts in my throne room. The stiff back of the chair was cool from the damp air that had settled over the land. The creaking of the door announced the entrance of someone into the throne room. I glanced up and saw Akito coming, his straight tall frame that defied the stoop of old age walking towards me quickly, soundlessly.

"Heika-sama." He nodded his head in something that could have been mistaken for a bow in any other man.

I nodded towards him as well. "Akito..." His eyes were nearly glittering with something; I could not say what exactly.

Pushing back his snow-white hair from his face, he looked at me for a moment. "The seishi have been gathered. You'll call Suzaku soon, ne? Everything is coming together finally." He was being far too sedate, far too... unsarcastic. "Everything except one thing..." There it was, the exception.

Raising an eyebrow I caught his eyes. "And that one thing would be?"

He sighed. "You." His sharp piercing eyes looked straight through me, making me shiver. "Marriage, an heir... the emperor has to provide an heir to the throne."

I nodded vaguely. I had heard this before, many times. "I know... but, Akito, you know it is not that easy, I-"

He raised a hand cutting me off. "Yes, it is, Sai-chan. Nuriko-san. He-"

"No." This time I interrupted him, not letting him say anything further. My voice was hard, angry, more so than I could ever remember being with him before.

"It's what's best for the country, for everyone. You know that."

"It's not what's best for everyone. Nuriko loves someone already. I will not trap him into that. I won't." I was very nearly yelling. How could Akito even suggest such a thing??

"Heika-sama, you would put the desires of one man over the well being of the entire country?" he asked, his voice rising as well.

"Yes." And I would. If I asked Nuriko to marry me, he would. He would out of a sense of duty; I was sure of that. I was the emperor, he was a court princess. But I would not put him in that situation. I could not do that to him. Not to him. I…

"Why?" He stepped closer to me, looking me straight in the eye, daring me to provide him with some sort of answer.

I wanted to scream at him. I was angry, furious, but not just at Akito. I was angry at myself, because I couldn't, because… because… "Because I love him!" I blurted it out, mostly without thinking, catching it only after the words had escaped my lips. I bit my lip and looked at Akito, expecting a shocked glare, a snide comment, anything, anything but what I got.

"I know, Sai-chan…" he said, his voice dropping to a quiet level, almost a whisper. His eyes met mine, a sad understanding lingering in them. "I know."

My eyes widened. "You… you know? I… how?"

He smiled, ever so slightly. "The way you've been acting whenever he's around… You kept the flowers he gave you." He paused. "You smile more when he's around… and it's that smile." He paused again, his eyes looking far away. "Like your mother's smile…" He shook his head. "And you've been distant lately… always off in your own world- more so than usual." A half-smirk began on his face, but it faded into a sad smile. "And just the way you look at him, Sai-chan."

I watched him silently, the anger having drained from my system. "I… I had not realized it was that obvious."

"It isn't…" he assured me, laying one of his still-strong old hands on my arm. "But I know what a hidden love looks like… the secret smiles, keeping trinkets, using any excuse to meet… any time…" His eyes grew distant and it seemed as though a memory had overtaken him. "I've been there, Sai-chan…"

"With my mother?" I asked quietly, wondering what he'd say to that, wondering if he'd be angry, surprised, or something else all together.

He raised an eyebrow at me in question, doubt flickering in his sharp eyes but quickly disappearing. "Yes," he answered quietly, nodding. "I… I know what it is like, but you have to believe me on this one, Sai-chan… heika-sama, it would be for the best to marry Nuriko-san. For the sake of everyone, some sacrifices have to be made. You know that."

And I did. I knew that all too well. I was used to sacrifices, but I could not force them on others as easily as I made them myself. Still… Akito was right. I knew that. I did not want to accept it.

"You know it's true, Sai-chan…" He squeezed my arm and stepped back. "Ask him…"

I looked at him for a moment, studying his old familiar face. There was such a sadness in his eyes, a sadness that I could not remember seeing before. I nodded. "Hai… I… I'll ask him. Tonight."

Akito nodded and smiled a bit, a smile that was neither happy nor pleased. "Gomen, but it truly is for the best."

I nodded again silently as he slipped out of the room. I wanted to cry. Not for myself, but for what I would be doing… to Nuriko.

But the tears did not come. Mother had always said crying helped nothing, and I suppose she, of all people, knew that to be true.   
  


The scent of the flowers drifted through my window on the night breeze as I pulled my nightshirt over my head. It was late, but I was still awake. The only thing there was to do, however, was sleep. I wandered over to the mirror, gazing at myself plaintively. Messy hair...   
  


I stood at his door, just breathing, wishing I did not have to be there. Perhaps if I just turned away now… but no. If not now then tomorrow or some other time. There could be no escape, only putting it off. After what seemed an eternity, a minute or so at most, I knocked on the door quietly, waiting for him to answer.   
  


I was brushing my hair at the mirror when I heard the knock on the door. I was in such a good mood, even if I was a little bored. Tamahome was back and Miaka had been so happy. Everything had turned out all right. "Hai, come in!" I called out cheerily, pleased to have a visitor to entertain me tonight.

The door cracked open and I glanced over, the brush still in my hand, my hair loose and wavy about my shoulders and trailing down my back. It was Hotohori-sama again. "Konban wa..." Her voice did not nearly match mine in cheerfulness.

I smiled at her happily. "Konban wa, Hotohori-sama! How are you this fine evening? You're not hurt, are you?" My brightness dimmed for a moment as I remembered the duel she had fought with Tamahome. It hadn't looked like she had gotten hurt, but they had moved faster than my eyes could follow.   
  


I shook my head and smiled a bit awkwardly, wishing he were not so kind, so concerned. "Iie, I'm not hurt..." I paused. "How are you?" I wanted to laugh, but any laugh would have been bitter. There was nothing funny at all this night.

He grinned, flipping part of his loose hair over his shoulder where it cascaded in soft violet waves, like a waterfall. "I'm fine. You were so amazing today! I've never seen anyone move so fast!"

The smile crept to my face unconsciously. It was so hard not to smile when he was. "Thank you... I suppose my practicing paid off..."   
  


I was excited. I felt almost like a child in my joy, but it was deeper than that. I was so proud of her. "And everything turned out so perfectly! They're back together and we have all seven seishi now!" I grinned at her then froze, suddenly realizing I was in my nightclothes. I nearly flew to my closet and yanked out a robe, hurriedly putting it on. I flashed her a quick, shy smile. "Sorry."   
  


I smiled fully this time, slightly surprised at how quickly Nuriko had managed to don the robe. I had never seen anyone fly into clothing that quickly before. "Hai. Now all that is left is to call Suzaku." Gods… was I really going to ask him? Could I?

He looked a little upset suddenly. "I... I almost don't want to call Suzaku..." His voice was soft, held down for a moment by his thoughts.

Had I said something to upset him? "Why not?" I asked quietly, watching him.   
  


How could I explain what she meant to me? I looked down and away from her. "Well... because I have to leave the palace after that." And you, Hotohori-sama, I whispered to myself silently.

She also looked away, discomfort obvious on her face. "I think we need to talk about that..."

I blinked and looked up at her. "Talk about that? Me leaving? Why?" I had forgotten I was an advisor. Perhaps she wanted me to stay because of that. I should have asked permission first, of course, but I hadn't expected any disagreement.   
  


I was still looking away. I could not face him. What I was about to do to him… "I... that is... Oh, gods." I paused. How could I do this to him? I loved him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him. He looked so confused, wide eyes questioning, so vulnerable, innocent. I sighed to myself. "Nuriko, I have to ask you something, and I want an honest answer, true to what you want." I began nervously fidling with my robes, trying to take out my frustration on the fabric.   
  


I noticed how uncomfortable she was and frowned slightly. What was going on? Worry started to creep into my throat. "Hotohori-sama? What's wrong? Of course I'll be honest with you."

She sighed softly. "It may not be an easy question..." Her hands were clutching at the fabric of her robes. "Nuriko..." She looked up, but not at me; instead, she glanced around, as if she feared listeners.

I took a step toward her, very worried now. "Hotohori-sama, are you all right?"   
  


I nodded, looking at him for the first time in a while. "I'm fine." I studied him for a moment silently.

He blinked under my gaze, his violet eyes meeting my own. Once again I found that I was losing myself in those eyes. "Hotohori-sama?"

Something like determination flashed across my face. I had to do this. Waiting was only making it worse for him, and for myself. "Nuriko..." I lowered my eyes to the floor, gathering myself together. A moment later I looked up again, meeting his eyes, my voice quiet but steady. "Will you marry me? It... it would work... but this is your choice, fully." I wondered how true that was. I hoped he would say no if he loved another, but in the back of my mind… I knew otherwise. He was trapped.   
  


I blinked, staring at her with a rather stunned look on my face. Everything suddenly fell into place, everything that I had refused to let myself see- why Akito had been asking questions about me, why he had suggested our compatibility before to me, why I had not yet been killed for knowing her secret, whether with her permission or not. I just looked up at her, unsure what to do or say. Marry??   
  


I watched him silently a moment, keeping my gaze steady, but then I ripped my eyes away, waiting for a response of any kind. I felt horrible. Why had I done this to him? I loved him. I was trapping the one I loved, cornering him into a choice that I was unsure was really his.   
  


My voice was shaky. "You... want me... to marry you?"

She glanced back at me and nodded slowly. "Yes," she said softly, and I wondered if that was true. She couldn't really want me. After all, she was already in love. This had to be Akito's work. It would continue the façade that she needed kept, except I would stand in the way of her dreams. She loved another. But then, she nearly interrupted herself hurriedly as she spoke. "But as I said, the decision is yours."

I suddenly felt completely calm about this. I had known it all along, but I had just tried to ignore it. My voice matched hers, soft and gentle. "Hai. I will."   
  


I looked at him, meeting his eyes and nodded slowly again. His face was a mask but his voice betrayed him. It had not been his choice. He was agreeing out of duty. Duty. I forced a small shaky smile that was sad at best. "Thank you..."   
  


I didn't smile back. I'm sure my eyes held the sadness I felt in my heart. I had waited so long for those words, all my life, but not like this. I didn't want it this way. "Akito-san will be happy then." I paused for a moment, looking up at her. "Will you?" How could she ever be? I couldn't make her happy, no matter how hard I tried, if it were not me that she loved. Everything would be a complicated charade and she would end up resenting me for keeping her from her dreams.   
  


I watched him, seeing the sadness in his eyes and knowing that I had caused it. My own eyes reflected the sadness in Nuriko's. "Hai."

He nodded once, his voice serious and quiet, but too controlled. "Then I will be too."

I nearly flinched, just watching him sadly. What had I done to him? I nodded slightly, vaguely, at nothing in particular. "There... there will have to be an announcement made soon... I do not know how the rest of the harem will react... Will you be all right?"   
  


I nodded slowly. "I don't fear physical danger anyway." I suddenly started. "Oh no... I already sent the letter to my brother to tell him to prepare the room for me..." I looked at her helplessly. "What should I tell him?" Aniki, I'm marrying the emperor. Yes, I realize I'm a man. That wouldn't do at all!!

She looked at me directly in the eyes, penetratingly. "The truth."

I paused a moment and then nodded slowly. "I will then." My next words were sudden, seemingly random. "Chou Kourin."   
  


I blinked, caught of guard. "What?"

Apprehension flashed across his face, centering in his eyes. "For... for the announcement. Please."

Recognition of the name flitted into my mind. "Of course."   
  


I watched her for a moment, then lowered my eyes. "Thank you." She would live through me. Not that the emperor knew me by any other name, but I needed reassurance.

She nodded and stepped toward the door. "The gifts will be sent to your brother tomorrow. I'll leave you then..." She was half-way out of the room. "Goodnight."

My voice was soft. "Sweet dreams, heika-sama." I knew I certainly would not sleep this night.   
  


I shut the door behind me, waiting to hear it click shut, and whispered to the closed portal, a soft, inaudible apology. "I'm sorry..." I walked away slowly, my feet and heart heavy.   
  


I slowly sank to my knees in the room, silent and stunned, gazing at the closed door, feeling completely empty. Any trace of my good mood had vanished entirely. My voice was a rustle of a skirt, a rush of a breeze, a whisper in the night air. "Hotohori-sama..."   
  


Go to the [next part][3]. 

Return to [Tokyo Tower][4]. 

   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: mailto:marron_tenou@yahoo.com
   [3]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/serious/truth.html
   [4]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



	3. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]

Part Nine

  


I gazed at the flames. They danced and spun, reaching and jumping up in suicidal leaps. The embers crackled wildly, the only sound in the silent room. The others would be coming soon, any moment now. I glanced about the darkened room. We would be calling Suzaku today, and everything would be turned right. Everything would be over.

Nuriko.

He had agreed to marry me. I… perhaps I should have been happy. I did love him, but I… He loved someone else. I shut my eyes and shook my head. That sudden sadness that had come to his face. It was my fault. I had caused it, and despite how much I wanted to, despite wishing to with all my heart, I could not fix it. I was useless. The only thing I could do was hurt him more.

I tried to tell myself that it would all turn out, that somehow it would be all right. But it would not. He had agreed out of duty, not out of any feeling. And I could not even tell him how I felt. I couldn't.

The others began entering at that moment, Chichiri and Tasuki first, the masked monk guiding the bandit and talking cheerfully about the ceremony. Chiriko followed behind them looking lost, uncertain, almost wary. I smiled slightly to myself. He was so young, even though I was only three years older, so caught up in the excitement of all of this. I suppose we all were. Mitsukake wandered in next, a silent shadow, the cat on his shoulder announcing his arrival. Tamahome was next, being quiet for once.

And Nuriko was last. He walked in slowly, glancing around, his beautiful face lit with awe at the room. The flame light reflected in his eyes as he glanced at me and flashed me a wary smile. I smiled back slightly and glanced away. Would we pretend that all was normal? Could we?

Miaka walked in, the flowing fabric of her miko robes swishing around her feet. She stepped towards the center of the room, silent. I glanced around. Now. We were ready. I looked around one last time and called out. "Everyone ready yourselves. When the miko begins to read..."

"... relax and keep your ki under control and open," she was saying.

I turned my attention away from my thoughts and to the emperor for a minute, studying her, then lowered my eyes. There had not been a time for us to talk since she had asked me. The announcement had been made to the harem and the town, to the entire province, yet none of the other seishi had said anything yet. Had they not heard? It didn't really matter. They would hear soon enough. I could imagine their shock and outrage. I suppose they would think that because Hotohori-sama could not have Miaka that she would marry me to escape from other possible marriage contracts- ones that would necessitate sexual relations. Yet if we were both men, then it would be impossible and the emperor would not have to worry about that or pressure to marry. They still didn't know her secret. I could just envision their faces...

I suddenly realized what the emperor was asking of us, and it seemed Tasuki caught my thought. "That'll leave us defenseless!" the bandit protested. He was right. If each of us had our ki as opened and relaxed as she had asked, we would have no protection. But that shouldn't have been a concern. All the Suzaku seishi were assembled.

"If we're attacked, we'll be killed," I said quietly. I was worried and I didn't know why. It was bothering me. It wasn't that I doubted Hotohori-sama's judgment, but being a female for so many years had taught me not to doubt my intuition. And that kanji that had appeared in the mirror, the kanji for "wisdom." What had that been? I had not told Hotohori-sama and I wondered if I should have.

Chichiri reassured us all, most specifically Miaka. "It'll be all right, Miaka-chan! Just repeat what I say."

I was lost in thought again. A long time ago, when I thought Hotohori-sama was a man, I had planned to ask Miaka to change me into a woman so that I would at least have a tiny chance for the emperor's heart. But that didn't matter now- I was going to marry her and I would not have her heart. I prayed that we would stay friends, even though it would be very uncomfortable for both of us. And then her voice rang out through the sanctuary. "Pray!"

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, trying not to be obvious. So perfect, so beautiful, so inaccessible to me. Part of me wanted to ask Miaka to wish Hotohori-sama to love me, but I knew I would never be happy if that happened. I wanted her to love me of her own free will, as I loved her.

It had started.

"The Four Directions of the Sky, by using the Way, Mind, and Goodness, please call Suzaku, the Protector of the South," Miaka intoned, her light voice strong.

I shivered. Something was wrong. No... everything was wrong. How could I ever make her happy? I wouldn't be anything more to her than a night companion, fathering her children. I wanted to cry and knew I could not. Why did I have to love her so much?

"Now I will complete the words. From the sky to the earth, come to us physically. Through the Ultimates, please make extinct every kind of evil. By using your godly powers, protect us. Only I wish. Please listen to this: please come down to us from the sky!" And it was done.

Silence. Awful, despairing silence, save the snap of the flames.

Tamahome was the first to speak. "Why? Nothing came!!" His voice was filled with anger.

That was when the flute started playing.

I cried out, pain searing through my head. I could hear sounds of hurt from the others and vaguely saw Miaka talking to Chiriko, trying to discover what was wrong.

"You have failed. You can no longer call Suzaku." His voice was cold and clear, distant, so unlike the normal gentleness that I had seen in him.

The flute had left a haunting melody pouring through my ears, obscuring my hearing. Everything was blurred. I wanted to try to help Miaka, to help Hotohori-sama, but it was so difficult to even move. I lifted my eyes to him and even that was a strain.

"Being too kind was your weakness. But it's all over for you." The boy whom we had thought was Chiriko gave us a slight smirk. He had us at his mercy, and both we and he knew it.

Tamahome seemed to still have energy. "Bastard!! You've got to be Seiryuu's!"

Tasuki was enraged. "Rekka shinen!" he flung out, but the flames didn't seem to harm him at all.

"Seiryuu shichiseishi... Amiboshi," he said simply. I watched, helpless, as he raised the flute to his lips.

The music ripped a hole through my brain, searing black lights into my eyes. I cried out and fell to my knees. Darkness and light were whirling together, my vision disappearing into the void of pain. I felt my hands touch something, fabric, perhaps a sleeve, and gripped it tightly. It was a tangible link to reality, away from the pain, and I had to have it. It hurt, it hurt, didn't he realize how much it hurt?

But it wasn't just physical. Images flashed across my mind, seeing all the suffering I had lived through in my life. I saw my sister, the cart, the blood... I saw my father, furious when he first saw me wearing her clothes... I saw myself, my first glimpse of Hotohori-sama when I was presented at court... I saw the rejection in her eyes, whom I thought then were the eyes of a man... I saw the lonely nights that I spent waiting, wondering if the emperor would ever notice me... I saw the longer nights that I couldn't sleep because I was crying too hard... I saw the broken wishes for the love of the ruler of the country, knowing I could never get it, knowing that whatever I tried was empty, knowing that despite my lies, despite everything I tried to pretend, I was nothing, and never would be more.

It was then that another tune wound itself around the agonizing melody of our lost companion. I was still immobile when he stopped playing and looked around.

"Impossible! My magic has been broken!" he exclaimed angrily, and it was only a second before Tamahome had reached him and had kicked him across the face. I opened my eyes, still dizzy from his spell. Amiboshi had fled out the door and I could hear the footsteps of those running after him.

"Matte!" Tamahome yelled. I tried not to smile ironically. If someone were chasing after me with an intent to kill me, I certainly wouldn't wait.

"I'm with you!" shouted Tasuki, following after his friend. They would take care of it. I was confident in them. Woozy, I turned to see what it was that I had in my hand. It was indeed a sleeve- and it was a royal sleeve.

The painful music had ceased, but my head still swam and my vision was clouded. It had hurt so much, the way the tune of the flute had torn through my mind and drilled into my very being. The cries of the others had only added to the pain, blending with the sound of anguish that the wicked instrument sent forth. I opened my eyes hesitantly, waiting for the dizzy feeling to go away. A hand was clutching tightly to my sleeve

Nuriko dropped my sleeve and pulled his hand away quickly as though he had been burned. "Ah! Gomen ne!" His face looked surprised, and he swayed dizzily even on his knees. I almost reached out to steady him, but stopped myself before I did.

Shaking my head slightly I blinked, glancing around through blurry eyes, still so dizzy from the pain. "What? Why are you apologizing?" I asked confused. His face was drawn with pain that was just now fading, leaving only a haunted glow in his eyes.

A moment passed in silence and he simply looked at me a bit unsure. "Are you all right, Hotohori-sama?"

I nodded, trying to clear my head of the ache and the sense of fogginess that had settled into it and turned my eyes to Nuriko. "Hai... are you?" A wave of worry washed over me, only adding to the dizziness I was feeling. Was he all right?

He nodded, pushing back his thick hair and glancing behind him. "Mitsukake?" I followed his gaze to the healer. The tall man was doubled over holding his head. I suppose he had spent the most time with Chiri... Amiboshi. Perhaps that why he was affected so badly. I glanced to Nuriko.

"We should get him somewhere else... He's worse off than we are," he said, managing to rise to his feet with a limited amount of balance.

I turned to Mitsukake, rising to my feet slowly. The physical pain had faded, but there was still a wrenching feeling in my chest, but that was not from the flute. That pain ran deeper. "Right..." I bent down, taking one of the larger man's arms, supporting him and helping him to his feet.

Nuriko hurried to his other side, managing to help support him as well, despite the tremendous height difference. "Mitsukake? Daijobu ka?"

He nodded, his head barely moving, and grunted a bit. He was conscious. That was a plus.

"Come on..." Nuriko's voice came, soft, reassuring. "We'll get you someplace where you can sit and rest." We half-aided, half-carried him over to a chair in the corner of the room. The dim light could barely drive the shadows away from corners. Nuriko bent to examine him, whispering a few questions to him, making sure he could answer them. His manner was so earnest, so concerned. He truly cared for people.

He turned his eyes away from Mitsukake and glanced up at me through his dark fringe of eyelashes, watching me, a question lingering in his eyes. I simply looked back, unable to give him an answer, not knowing the question.

He moved away from Mitsukake, gliding like a figure in a dream, and turned to face me. "Ne, Hotohori-sama..."

My eyes followed him and I turned to face him as well. "Hai?"

He paused, watching me for a long minute, his eyes studying me. I felt naked under his penetrating gaze. Could he see straight through me, straight into me? His voice finally came from out of the silence. "Are you all right?"

The same question as before. It threw me off. "Hai... I said I was."

He watched me for one moment more and then dropped his eyes. "No... I mean... about everything... about..." He looked up at me, a small frown creasing his forehead and clouding his face. "About us." The words were a whisper and he spoke them as though he did not like the taste they brought to his lips.

I looked back at him for a time, seeing the sadness in his face. "Hai... I..." I stopped my words before they could leave my lips and paused for a moment. "I am." My voice dropped to a quiet whisper. "Are you?"

The smile he gave me was sad, bittersweet. "Of course. I have nothing to complain about."

I half-smiled back, but it took much of the effort I could muster. I did not know the thoughts behind his words, but he would not complain. He... I had seen it before- even if he were hurting, he would hurt in silence, inside himself. "Neither do I..." I replied to him, my words true. I was in love with him and I would be able to spend every day near him, beside him... but he did not love me. I was hurting him. I glanced away, back to the still-dancing flames.

A shy true smile started across his face slowly, blossoming like a flower. "Hotohori-sama..."

I glanced back at him. In that moment, he was so lovely, the small smile making his entire face shine like the dawn. "Hmm?" I answered questioningly.

He looked for a minute as if he were about to say something, but he stopped before it was said and glanced out to where the sound of voices could be heard in the distance, coming closer. "Ne... I think they're back."

I nodded and followed his gaze to the door. "Hai... you're right. I... I suppose we should go meet them, ne?"

He smiled softly at me again but then his face fell. "I wonder if they... well, if Chiriko- iie, Amiboshi- is all right..."

I looked doubtful. They would not be back so soon if... I pushed that thought from my mind. "I..." I paused. I could not reassure him. I was almost positive it was otherwise. "We'll have to ask them..."

He nodded and glanced up at me. "They're here." We walked towards the door to meet our friends, our fellow seishi, the fire still crackling vainly behind us.   


* * *

_Secret Smile_   
Hotohori:   


That secret smile   
I wish I could unlock it   
And know your secret   
Who do you keep it for?

I could wish it were me   
But I know that's too much to ask   
The gods gave me you to see   
Not to know

I don't want to hurt you anymore   
I know one of your secrets   
You can never be mine   
If destiny could be rewritten…

No lies to keep   
Only secrets smiles for each other   
I want a new truth to believe in   
So my heart will stop hurting   
  


by [Marron][2]

  


* * *

  


  


Part Ten

  
  


It was so stuffy in here. I wanted to open a window, but knew I couldn't.

Miaka had been coming in fairly frequently to check on me. I still don't think she had any idea why I was shut up in this room, our make-shift cock-loft. Poorer brides used real cock-lofts. The future empress used a back room of the palace that had been used by future empresses for centuries.

I was humming a song, a suitable lament, a song that I would be expected to sing. I was supposed to be mourning the separation from my family, but that had happened years ago. What I truly mourned was how close I would be to her every day, how amazingly intimate, yet never able to tell her my heart.

I also mourned Amiboshi and his loss. Even though he had turned against us, he had been a sweet soul. And we had been unable to call Suzaku.

But there were seven of us now- the true seven. And we had a commission to go find the shinzahou.

I sighed and wandered over to the other side of the small room.

The star watching festival had been so much fun. That had been last night. Since then, I had been here. I had won several small prizes at the weight-lifting contest, but the only one I had kept was a little bag of change, now tied to the sash at my waist. I had plans for that money. Everything had been wonderful until Tasuki and I had lost Miaka. We searched and searched and finally returned to the palace, where, of course, she was.

I looked down at my wrists. While not what I might have chosen for myself, the bracelets from Taiitsu-kun were certainly lovely. The jade jewel on each of them glimmered with a certain light that I had never seen in jewelry. I wondered what they were for and why she had given them to me. Yet that didn't matter now. It was time for me to focus my mind on Hotohori-sama and what would be our life together.

Dawn of the next day seemed to come too soon. There was a soft knock on the door. I arose from the bed, not having slept anyway, and opened it. An older attendant greeted me with words of joy and I smiled politely. While she chattered to me, I followed her to the next stage of the wedding preparations.

She led me to a bathing room and then proceeded to try to tug off my robe. My eyes widened, cleared of all sleep- or lack thereof- and I pulled away. "Don't!!"

She blinked up at me. Despite my rather small stature for a man, I was still taller than most of the women. "Now, Kourin-sama, let me help you."

I pulled away from her more, my brows lowering. "Please... leave me. I'm quite capable of bathing myself."

She gave me a dark frown. "Kourin-sama, you need others today more than any other time. Today is your last day as a virgin."

I choked. I had not thought about _that_. I shook my head slightly at her. "Please. I just want to be alone."

She gave me a worried look, but left me in the room with the bath and shut the door behind me.

I stepped behind the changing screen and slowly pulled off my clothes. Tonight... would we really be like that? I shivered slightly. This hadn't been what I wanted at all. I wanted to make her happy, and I knew that would hurt her. I sighed quietly as I slid into the bath.

It had just been prepared for me. The water was almost too hot and smelled of pumelo, a type of grapefruit. It was used to purify me from evil influences.

I shut my eyes, leaning back against the wall. It felt good, relieving my stress, relaxing my muscles. Whoever had come up with this idea had been a genius.

I rested there a while, just listening to my soft breathing. I think I fell asleep because it seemed as if no time had passed until I heard a knock on the door.

Reflex made me hurriedly cover my chest, burying myself deeper in the water. "Hai?"

"Kourin-sama, I have your clothes here. May I come in?" It was the woman from earlier.

I nearly panicked. "A-anou..." I flew out of the tub and tucked myself behind the screen. "It's all right now... please come in."

"I'll leave them on the table out here," she said gently and I heard the door shut. I guess she thought I was a rather unwilling bride. I stood up slowly and peered around the corner of the screen to make sure she was gone. She was.

I stepped out and put on my robe. She had to dress my hair first. "Obaa-san?" I called to her, a little worried that she would not be out there. My damp hair I lifted off the back of my neck, twisting in my hands to get some of the water out. I smelled like grapefruit. I smiled slightly.

She pushed the door open. "Kourin-sama, are you ready for me to fix your hair?"

I gave her a nervous little nod and sat in the chair in the room. A table rested in front of me, loaded with brushes and pins to be used in my hair. I shut my eyes and waited.

She murmured auspicious words of blessing in my ears as she styled my hair. It seemed like forever until she was finished. I was so nervous suddenly. Was I really going to do this? Could I marry her like this?

"It's done," she said softly, and I reopened my eyes.

I was gazing at myself in the mirror, my long hair done up in the style of a married woman. I shivered.

"I need to change," I said quietly, hearing the tremor in my voice. She seemed to as well, for she left the room without a word. I took a deep breath. I would be fine. I had to be.

I stood up and slowly slid into the new clothes, loving every moment of the feel of the perfect silk against my clean skin. Although red was not the best color on me, it was not too bright that it made me look washed out. I peered at myself in the full-length mirror that was in the room. I looked lovely. The light flicks of purple here and there were lighter than my hair and enhanced my eyes. Whoever had picked this out had done an excellent job.

I wrapped my arms around myself, studying myself. I would never be good enough for her, no matter what I looked like, how lovely I felt. The silk was cool against my fingertips.

Lastly, I turned my eyes to the small shrine of candles in the corner. Suzaku. I bowed my head slightly in reverence. It would have to do for the worship. It was nearly time to go.

I took a deep breath and stepped out the door.

As she was supposed to be, the older woman was waiting there. She was to carry me to the main hall on her back, but I was not sure if she could. I was not very heavy, but I didn't want to strain her. Yet she smiled and turned, indicating that I was to do so anyway.

I felt very, very foolish as I clambered onto her back. She moved slowly underneath me towards the throne room.

It was another eternity until we arrived. I'm sure my face matched my dress. But she let me down outside the door and I stepped in, barefoot, myself.

The shoes were waiting for me. For some reason that I did not remember, they were placed on a sieve. I looked around, searching for Hotohori-sama, but she was not present. The only one who greeted me was Akito, who was regarding me silently.

I bowed deeply to him and stepped forward, placing my feet into the small red slippers. I moved away from the sieve and turned my eyes to him, unsure what to do next.

He moved towards me, a beaded red veil and crown in his hands. He leaned over to me and placed the phoenix crown on my head, the veil hanging over my face. A gentle smile rested on his face as he pulled away.

"It was her mother's," he said lowly. "I'd always hoped for some reason to place it on Saihitei someday..."

His tone was very unlike his usual. Was he a romantic at heart? I gave him a small smile through the beads, sad, wishing... "I'm sorry..."

He shook his head. "But I know where to find you if you don't make her happy."

I tried not to flinch visibly and nodded. I bowed deeply to him again. I would do my best.

He started to walk away from me, then paused. "I'm going to see to the emperor now... but there's someone here you might want to see." He continued out the door and pushed it open, revealing a tall shadow in the door frame. I took a step forward, unable to see the person.

Suddenly in my vision was caught the color of his hair and I froze. Akito shut the door behind him and my brother stepped into the room.

"Aniki...?" I whispered.

He took another step forward. "Ryuuen?" His voice was full of amazement. I suppose it _was_ rather unusual to one's brother in the outfit of a bride.

I was a little unsure. Would he still accept me? What must he think of me? But then he held out his arms to me and I couldn't do anything but go to him and hold him tightly. I would not let my tears come, no matter how much they threatened to do so. I buried my face in his chest. How long had it been since I had seen him? Forever, too long.

And so I spoke with my older brother while waiting to get married to one who was wedding me for the sake of her country.

Like Hotohori-sama had suggested, I told him the truth about her true gender.

And so he was happy for me.

I hadn't told him all the truth about her heart.   
  


They pushed the bed the last couple of feet into place, looking at it, then each other, and nodded their approval. I did not know either of them, but they had been chosen because they fit the criteria: married, living spouse, children, and a few other things I could not remember. The woman was older than me, dressed modestly, her hair tied more or less back in a respectable style. The man, even older than the woman, had short dark hair that hung into his eyes and a quick willing smile. They glanced at me, watching them in the doorway, and bowed slightly as they left the room, talking.

Two servants entered the room as the man and woman left and scattered seeds and small fruits across the bed. Immediately after them, a swarm of young children rushed in and leaped on the bed, wrestling and jumping about on it. I smiled at them, unable to tear my eyes away from watching them. They were so innocent, so happy. They had no idea that the union they had been brought to bless had already been cursed by fate. Nuriko loved another.

One of the children, a tiny girl, slipped off the bed and walked over to me, her little bare feet padding softly across the floor. She held up her hand to me. "Ne... here!" She took my hand with her other and placed a small fruit in it. She smiled, her sweet little face glowing. "You look lonely... You can have this, 'cause the others are gonna eat the rest." I bent down to eye-level and smiled back at her.

"Thank you."

She nodded and scurried back to the bed, climbing on again. I watched her for a moment more, until I felt a hand on my arm. "Heika-sama..." Akito stood behind me, a small smile on his face. "It's time to get ready."

I nodded and followed him to the room where I would prepare for the wedding. Akito shut the door behind me and left me alone. Weren't weddings supposed to be joyful? I sighed to myself as I pulled the long gown-like robe around me; it was a soft material, silk perhaps. Joyful... I could not bring myself to be overly happy. Nuriko... I loved him, I wanted him to be happy, but I had trapped him into this. He could not be happy, and it was my fault. I sighed and fastened the sash, a scarlet length of fiery silk, about myself, making sure the silk ball attached to it was in the correct place.

There was a preemptory knock at the door and Akito entered. "Wonderful, Sai-chan, the clothes fit perfectly." He stepped over to me and began tugging and pulling at the garments making sure everything was in the right place. I attempted to pull away, but he was relentless. "There." He paused. "You look wonderful, Sai-chan..." He smiled a bit sadly. "Your mother would be proud."

I smiled back at him ever so slightly. "Am I really doing this, Akito?"

"Yes, you are. Really," he answered. "And we have to go now..." He opened the door and gestured for me to exit. I followed him out and to the room that housed the family altar.

The air in that room was cooler than the outside and a small breeze seemed to stir it, but no breeze blew. I knelt at the altar and Akito stepped over to me placing a small cap about my head. It was adorned with dark green cypress leaves. I stood and looked at Akito. He was still smiling. "I..." He paused. "We're ready now..."

We stepped outside into the bright sunshine, ready for the procession to Nuriko, to where he waited because of some sense of duty while I came to steal his freedom, to crush his chances to have the one he truly loved. I looked to Akito and nodded, forcing a smile. My shoes padded across the ground towards the bridal sedan. Akito removed the silk ball from my sash and placed it on the sedan chair.

Akito was performing all the duties my father would have, had he been alive. For that one thing I was glad. Akito was the closest thing I had to a parent left. He had always been there, throughout my childhood and my early years of ruling the country. I loved him like a father; I always had.

Chiriko, the young boy who had saved our lives, appeared at my side. "Hotohori-sama," he said, bowing slightly in greeting. A smile creased his young face and I found myself smiling back. It was tradition for a child to accompany the groom on the procession to the bride, and Chiriko had been quite happy to comply even though he was only a child in age. He had saved our lives and knew more than many of us did.

The fireworks began going off in the background and the sound of drums rang through the air. A group of men picked up the sedan chair and we began the short walk to where Nuriko would be waiting.

_Nuriko, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._ My mind raced and there was a strange tightness in my chest as we walked, and despite the warm shining sun, I shivered.   
  


I heard the firecrackers first, announcing the arrival of the emperor. I glanced at my brother. "She's coming..." I moved away from him and toward the door, the beads of my veil rattling quietly against my face. It was time.

She pushed open the door, her eyes looking around warily. Akito was close behind her, smiling slightly, almost a smirk.

I took a shy step forward, trying to smile through the veil, noting that I was having trouble smiling at all. She looked absolutely beautiful, her hair pulled tightly back to reveal her perfect features. I'm sure the awe could be seen through my mask of beads. I wondered, if she looked so lovely in men's clothes, how she would look in women's clothing. Can one improve on perfection?

She glanced down at me, her eyes widening ever so slightly, and just looked at me for a moment before smiling shakily. She turned from me then, moving back out from where she had come.

I followed her as she led me outside to the bridal sedan. I looked at it, heaped in flowers and curtained around so that I would not be able to see outside of it, to prevent me from glimpsing anything that could possibly have any evil influence. I kept my eyes down, wondering what my brother must be thinking of me, wondering what Hotohori-sama was thinking. I noted that underneath all the flowers rested a sieve and a mirror. I sighed. It was so superstitious. Nothing could curse me more than I was, sentenced to love and marry one who loved another.

She looked at the chair silently, stepping forward to pull open the curtain for me. Her eyes then rested on me, her expression almost sad. There it was. I wondered if the one she loved would be at the nuptial chambers.

I shook my head slightly, wondering at the irony of all this, and climbed in, a little less delicately than I would have hoped. I cast a glance back to my brother and saw him grinning at me and waving. I smiled faintly back, though I doubt he could see it with the veil, and then she shut the curtain, a slight smile that didn't reach her eyes resting on her face.

It annoyed me that I was now, for all purposes, blind. The curtain concealed everything. Not only was it hot, but it was also stuffier in here than it had been in my cock-loft. I sighed.

It was not a smooth ride. I was being carried on the backs of men, all of whom I could most likely lift together, and they were not quite in step. It was a few minutes, but they finally made the journey to Hotohori-sama's private chambers and set me down.

The curtain opened slowly, allowing Hotohori-sama to take her time. The sunlight dazzled my eyes for a moment as I looked up at her, but then I shakily stood up, still alarmed by the firecrackers which were yet going off. My feet landed on the red carpet that had been placed out for me. I looked up at her when I was sure I was steady.

She started to walk forward into the main part of her private rooms, looking almost as if she was trying to glance back at me.

I could see everyone through my veil, could feel every stare as it penetrated my skin, digging into me, everyone watching me. I raised my eyes, trying to focus on something else, but could still feel their gazes, all the other seishi, all the harem, every other courtier, all looking at me.

She stepped forward, entering the main room. I followed rather sedately, stepping over the saddle placed in my path for luck and tranquillity. I could still sense the eyes needling me.

I came up almost immediately behind her, and then took a step back, keeping my face down. How had I ever gotten here? How could I have agreed to this? I should have said no to her, told her to follow her own heart, her dreams.

She turned around slowly to me, her hand reaching out to me a bit hesitantly. She lifted my veil, watching me closely, neither smiling nor frowning.

I didn't move, feeling her gentle touch, feeling her fingers so nearly brush my face, then looked up at her, my face finally bare. I'm sure my expression somewhat resembled hers.

Akito gave us both a fatherly smirk and led the way to the altar. He seemed to be the only one smiling in the room, looking as if he knew secrets that no one else did. As he did.

I felt completely naked. Everyone could see me now. Everyone, I'm sure, was judging me. Was I pretty enough to make an empress? Was I graceful enough? Would I be able to fulfill my nighttime duties? I could nearly hear their thoughts. And then I caught Tamahome's horrified face out of the corner of my eyes and flinched. Whatever he thought of me did not matter, but what he thought of Hotohori-sama...

She, for the most part, seemed to be completely ignoring everyone, walking silently towards the altar. She stopped as she reached the correct position and I came up beside her.

I turned to her and bowed as deeply as I could. Oh, how I loved her, and how much I was hurting her.

She bowed as well to me, not looking at me at all.

And it was done.

We were married.

I stood there, a bit stunned, as the realization sunk in. Married... forever. To the one she did not love.

Forever.

What had I done?

Akito, with the smirk still on his face, took her arm and nearly pulled her to the nuptial chambers. I felt my face flame at the thought of that and followed.

She sat on the bed, remarkably silent. I sat beside her, not too close, but not far enough away to cause any murmurs. I too was silent, leaving my eyes down.

Akito handed each of us a wedding goblet that he had procured from somewhere, tied together by a single red thread. I slowly lifted mine to my lips and took a few sips, then looked to her, my eyes solemn.

She took the goblet from him tentatively and sipped as well, meeting my eyes briefly and then tearing them away, just as quickly.

I held out my goblet to her to switch, as the custom required. She did not look at me, but kept her eyes on the cups, taking mine and giving me hers.

It hurt. She wouldn't even glance at me. I turned my face back to the front and finished the wine and honey. She loved the other that much...

Beside me, she finished her drink and stared at the cup, silent.

I'm not sure who started it, but a cheer suddenly rose through the crowd. Miaka was then barreling toward me. "Nuriko!!"

I blinked as she wrapped me in a hug. "Miaka..."

"I'm so happy for you!!" she exclaimed cheerfully. And she was. She didn't know my pain.

I could see Hotohori-sama watching us absently, not really focused on us. Was her mind on her love?

I gave her a little hug back and a shy smile, trying to cover my hurt. "Thank you..."

She graced me with another grin and then moved over to the emperor. She was noticeably more subdued. "Congratulations, Hotohori."

She smiled back. "Thank you, Miaka." I suddenly felt her eyes on me for the first time in a while, but I was not given the opportunity to dwell on it.

There were so many people crammed into this room, all milling around. There were several court ladies, fellow harem members, giving me dark looks. Men of all ages gazed at me appraisingly, most looking approving. Akito was still smirking.

I watched them all, summing up how the court would receive me, when I caught sight of Tamahome. I winced as I saw the look on his face.

I heard a voice to my right, that beloved voice, quiet, low, so that it was audible only to me. "Ne... did you see earlier? Everyone was watching you."

I turned my gaze to her, wondering where she was going with that. Of course I had felt their stares.

"You looked... look... beautiful." Her nervous gaze was alternating between me and the people.

I froze. Beautiful? "H-Hotohori-sama...?" I choked out, stunned. She had never complimented me before, and certainly never like that.

Tamahome had grabbed Tasuki and was hauling him over to the corner of the room, but I could still hear them.

"The emperor is gay too??" Tamahome hissed.

"I fucking guess so. Shit... a fag's ruling the country," Tasuki hissed back. My eyes narrowed, but I was still too shocked by the compliment to do anything about them.

She looked at me questioningly. "Hai?"

"Che... I'm never paying taxes again," Tamahome said darkly.

Tasuki laughed. "I never paid the fucking things in the first place." His grin was certainly evil as it spread across his face.

I looked away suddenly from her, seeing Miaka still bubbling everywhere, feeling something odd in my chest. "I... thank you..."

Tamahome laughed and started pulling Tasuki away.

"Oh, come on!" Tasuki protested loudly. "I wanna stare at them!! Shit, Tama, you're no fun!!"

I vaguely saw her smile at me and then it fell from her face as people came up to her.

I too had a smile on my face. Beautiful? I just nodded to the well-wishers, trying to keep my mind on their words, but everything kept coming back to that one word. Beautiful?

Beside me, Hotohori-sama seemed to be spending half the time listening to and smiling at the wedding guests and the other half watching her hands.

I continued in my dazed state to smile blankly at the crowd. It seemed like forever until Akito ushered all the people out of the room. He then took Hotohori-sama's arm and led her away from me. I watched silently, my quiet thrill deep in my heart. Beautiful? I certainly felt that way now.

A few minutes passed and Akito returned. He smiled down at me and held out an arm for me. I took it a bit shyly and he led me away to prepare me for my wedding night.   
  
  
  


Part Eleven

  
  


I was sitting on the bed, feeling amazingly uncomfortable. My hair was pulled back tightly in a bun, in the style of a man, a way my hair had not been done for eight and a half years now. I smoothed the pants of my night clothes, again uncomfortable. Male sleepwear I had not worn either. They were silk again, a pale, sky-colored blue. I felt a bit lost. Akito had taken me from the ceremony and fed me something and dressed me in this, and then had dragged me back in here and told me to wait. He had never said how long. I was trying to keep my mind focused on my hands and touching the softness of the silk, but it kept drifting back to what I was supposed to do tonight. Could I touch her like that without telling her my feelings? Did I _want_ to? He was taking too long. Where was he?

The night air was cool, almost chilling as I stood outside the door, my arms crossed tightly across my chest, staring at the closed door to the nuptial chamber. Nuriko was in there, I knew, waiting for me to enter, but all I could do was stare at the door, feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious. Part of the problem was the clothes I was wearing. The nightgown was white, soft, silk, and very feminine. It clung to each and every slight curve that I had spent the majority of my life attempting to hide. My hair hung loose around my shoulders, the light breeze of the evening stirring it gently. When I entered that room... I was afraid almost, to be so close to the one I loved, and knowing he did not love me. I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see Akito standing behind me, an impatient smile on his face. "Usually one has to open the doors before one enters a room, heika-sama..."

I looked at him, my eyes wide. He opened the door and propelled me inside, nearly slamming it shut behind me. I panicked. I was not ready, I could not do this. _Wait!_ I whirled around, facing the door, pushing my hand against it for a minute, but the door was already tightly closed. I slowly turned around to face Nuriko, leaning against the door. He was dressed in a pale blue color that only made him look brighter. His long flowing hair had been tied back in the typical style of a man, pulled away from his beautiful face. He looked perfect, wonderful. I watched him for a moment more before wheeling back to face the door.

"I know you're out there," I called to Akito, but was only answered by silence. "Go away," I spoke again and received no reply once more. "I can still hear you breathing!" The sound of laughter came through the door and his footsteps echoed as he walked away from the room. I sighed slightly to myself, refraining from shaking my head.

I laughed quietly, nervously, and looked away from her, not letting my eyes even stray from my hands. I was so worried. My laughter had seemed completely out of place. I remained silent.

I could hear her shift her weight. She turned back to me and I could feel her eyes on me, watching me. Her back was against the door as if I had trapped her. I felt in a way that I had.

I gave her a faint smile and looked up at her.

She was wearing a white nightgown, long and clinging to her. I sucked in my breath. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, framing her perfect face. She did indeed have the curves of a woman, perfectly formed, long-limbed, ample breasts, a small waist. All I could do was stare. It was impossible for anything to have such perfection. She was a goddess descended to earth- my wife. And I could say nothing. The light from the fireworks outside flashed joyful colors onto her through the window. Amazing... she was so beautiful... so unreal. She was more lovely than any painter could ever portray, more exquisite than she had ever looked in the robes of the emperor. It seemed such a shame to me suddenly that she had to hide herself. Yet I had loved her before I had seen her, before I had even known she was a woman. Would I ever be able to tell her how wonderful and perfect she was? I finally managed to recover my voice, but what came from my mouth was pointless, empty. "Konban wa..."

The wood of the door was cool against my back, and it was only then that I realized just how low the nightgown I wore was cut in the back. I pushed myself up closer against the door. He must have thought me foolish, ridiculous. He sat on the bed just looking at me and I watched him back, wishing the smile that only flickered weakly on his face were real, wishing I could make it so, wishing I could go to him, touch his face, his hair, wishing I could tell him how much I loved him, but knowing I could not. Sighing silently, I forced a nervous smile that was at best a bit shaky. My voice sounded tight, nearly quivering as I replied. "Konban wa..."

His voice and posture were uncomfortable, stiff, as though he were at a formal dinner on display. I bit my lip slightly. I was already making things difficult for him. "It went well, I thought..." he said, his voice quiet still as he attempted to make conversation.

I shifted about slightly on my feet and replied, only furthering the awkward small talk. "Hai... very well... still going actually, I think..." The evening breeze blew in sounds of music and laughter and every so often the echoed explosion of a flare that sent its light shining through the window.

I nodded once and went silent again, listening to the sounds of the celebration outside, unable to tear my eyes away from her. I was waiting for her to initiate something, quite unsure what to do, and very unwilling to force anything on her.

I shivered undetectably as I wondered how she felt that I would be touching her like that, and not the one she loved.

She just looked back at me silently. The sound of crickets could be heard, threaded through the sounds of joy. Well, it was good that someone was happy.

I couldn't take it any more. I'd tell her. "You really don't have to worry about anything tonight," I said hurriedly, ashamed. "I don't expect anything-" But she interrupted me.

I sighed. We were getting nowhere. I had already hurt him; nothing I could say could make things much worse. I took a deep breath and said everything at once, the words escaping like a river gone wild once I opened my mouth. "I'm sorry, Nuriko... I... I know you did this out of some sense of duty. I know I trapped you into this... I'm sorry... I... I know it won't be perfect... but... I... I'll try to make you happy... I'll try."

Of course I'd try to make him happy. I loved him, I wanted his happiness, not this solemn sadness that had settled itself into his eyes. He was saying something as well, something about tonight. I glanced at him, barely hearing his words in the rush of my own. I realized I was babbling and stopped, falling silent after finishing with another apology. "I'm sorry."

He blinked, looking at me. Perhaps he thought I had gone crazy- the way I was talking certainly made me sound like it. I watched his dark violet eyes, wondering what he was thinking.

I was calming down now that the rush of words was over. I sighed again. "Gomen..." Giving up the relative security of having my back to the door, I walked over to the bed slowly, carefully, the nightgown making a small whispered swishing sound as I moved. Sitting beside him on the bed, not close to him but not overly far, I continued watching him quietly, unsure of what to say or do next.

I gave her a slight smile. "It's all right." My gaze fell to my hands again, but then I forced myself to raise my eyes to her. My voice was serious, low. "You don't have to pretend to love me, you know." I took a deep breath. Pretense would hurt more than anything, more than any other thing in the world ever could. I would not let my heart live a lie. It was the one true thing I still had. "I know there's someone else you care for, so it's all right with me. Please don't worry about me."

She glanced at me, her face unreadable, then looked away, her voice quiet and filled with sadness. "I'm not pretending..."

He blinked and a frown came to his face, centering in his eyes, clouding them with doubt. "What... what do you mean?" Was his voice shaking? Why had I said that? I had promised myself I would not, promised I would not tell him, would not burden him with my feelings. I had hurt him enough already and I was doing it again. I knew he loved someone else. I knew, and yet... Why had I said that? Why?

I could not look at him. I had promised myself... I could not even keep that small vow. _Why?_ "I... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said anything..." I should not have, but I had. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, still unable to look straight at him.

I slowly rose to my feet, puzzled, unsure what she meant. A tiny flower of sudden hope burst into my chest, and also something that rather resembled fear. Not pretending? Not pretending to... love me? "Would you like to go for a walk, Hotohori-sama?" I needed air, needed to clear my head and think. It was impossible. She loved another. Not me. Not me. Wasn't it?

I glanced at him, caught off-guard, but also a bit fearful. If anyone saw me in the outfit I was now wearing... Well, there would be very little debate about what would happen. My eyes were wide, scared as I looked up at him, gesturing to my nightclothes. "I... can't like this..."

He gave me a quick smile, gentle, true. I was surprised, but so pleased to see him smile. "The celebration is still going on. No one will notice us." He held out a hand to me, waiting for me to decide.

He was right, of course. I paused a moment, thinking, weighing the consequences in my mind. Nuriko stood before me, hand still outstretched. I took it and stood up, nodding in agreement. If he wanted to go for a walk, I could not refuse. And it was getting difficult to breathe in here; it felt as though something were caught in my chest. He had heard what I said... had he not understood it?

Was he ignoring it, pretending I had not said it? I did not know... but still... he was smiling at me again. He released my hand and walked towards the door. He opened it, holding it for me. I stepped through into the cool night air, my hair and nightgown blowing a bit in the soft breeze. I shivered once despite myself, though not from the cold.

I followed after her, but soon overtook her, walking slightly ahead. I led the way to the pond, the place I had been told would have one of the best views of the fireworks, but would be empty as it was in the emperor's personal garden. I paused and glanced back once at her, silent.

I walked in silence, trying to let my thoughts calm themselves down. Nuriko walked past me and began leading, a little bit ahead of me. I followed, watching him quietly, grateful for the darkness of night that provided the mask I needed.   


It was too quiet again. Curiosity was pounding behind my eyes, the hope throbbing in my chest. Could she have meant what I wanted her to have meant? Could it be true? I sighed softly and glanced back again, my eyes thirstily gazing at her, perfect in the moonlight. "What did you mean by that?"

She had been intently studying the ground, but she turned her eyes up to me at my question. "By what?"

I kept my voice quiet. "Not pretending."

I looked away again, letting my eyes this time come to rest on the pond. I sighed softly. It had already been said, despite my vow otherwise. My mind screamed for me to be silent, but I could not. I... I had already begun and I could not keep silent anymore. "That it wouldn't be a pretense... to love you... I... I do." My voice was quiet. I nearly cringed at my own words. Why was I doing this to him? _Gomen, Nuriko..._ I stopped, letting that strange still silence settle over us and then whispered, "I'm sorry."

I froze, a slight shiver running through me, and turned around to face her, gazing at her in shock. She... did? She loved me? How? She loved another... It was impossible... She... she... she loved me? For the second time that night, I had to search to find my voice, and when I did, it was fragile, weak, almost overshadowed by the sounds of joy in the night. "Hotohori-sama..."

My eyes were on the lake still. I wanted to look at him, but I was afraid... scared of what I would see on his face. "I'm sorry... I know you love someone already... I..." It was useless; I had already said it. I fell into silence again.

I took a few steps toward her, trying to meet her eyes. Was it true? It wasn't pretense? "Oh, Hotohori-sama... why didn't you ever tell me? Miaka told me you knew..." It didn't make sense. She had _known_ that I loved her... why hadn't she ever said anything earlier? I barely heard her words, but then they registered. Loved another? I never had. I had never loved but her.

She looked back at me finally, her eyes showing visible pain. "Knew... what?"

"That..." I now lowered my eyes. Had I been so insignificant then? She had been the reason that I had done everything back then, the reason I breathed and ate, my point for existence. Anything for her to have noticed me. She was why I had kissed Tamahome and had been so cruel to Miaka, things I didn't like to remember, but had done. "She told you... when she first came here... she said to me that she told you... that I loved you..."

My eyes widened. It was impossible. "You..." I stopped, completely shocked, unable to move or even speak. My mind raced. Miaka had told me... Oh, gods. It came back to me then. Miaka had said... Oh, gods... I stepped back, staring at him as the memory hit. She had told me. I had dismissed it. I could not have allowed myself to hear it then. I had always known that love was not for me.

And Nuriko... he had been a part of the harem before... I had heard that so many times from girls from the harem... but had it been true, with Nuriko? "Oh, gods..." I whispered in disbelief. He looked up at me slowly, almost warily.

I watched him back, shaking my head slowly. "I... it didn't... I... I'm sorry." It was all I could say. He had truly loved me? I had never seen it... Had the truth been so close all along?

I shook my head slightly, not wanting apologies, but only to understand. "Why? You never said anything to me..."

"I... I was supposed to love Miaka then... you were from the harem." Her eyes weren't meeting mine yet. "I had heard that from the others there so many times... I never understood that you really... I'm sorry."

It made sense. I had been a woman then, in everyone's eyes. She must have been used to daily proposals from the others in the harem. Yet... why me? Was it because I was a man? But that was impossible. It wouldn't have mattered to her. She had loved Miaka.

Was actually that... she loved me for myself?

I took another step toward her. "Please... don't be." I stopped for a second, my thoughts rushing about my head. Was it true? "You... you really love me...?"

I nodded, actually looking at him this time, my eyes meeting his. I could not have drawn them away if I tried. "Yes."

A smile broke across his face slowly, brightening gradually like the rising sun and casting its glory everywhere. Slowly, almost cautiously, he closed the space between us, stopping just before me. His voice was quiet, shy. "May I... may I hug you?"

The question caught me off-guard and I just looked at him for a moment. How was I supposed to tell him that I had wanted, for so long it seemed, to know what it felt like to have his arms around me? Unable to make the words come out correctly, I simply nodded.

I took another deep breath, steadying myself, feeling very anxious. I gently placed my arms around her, pulling her toward me, feeling completely shy. I had never touched her like this before. My head came up just above her shoulder and I felt a bit silly, but oh, her skin was so soft and her breath in my ear so sweet to me. I loved her so much.

Cautiously, carefully, I hugged him back, almost afraid he'd vanish at my touch, but he did not. Was this actually true? I could smell the sweet fresh smell of his hair. I could feel him breathing against me... It had to be true, didn't it?

I tightened my hold on her as she put her arms around my shoulders. I was smiling to myself and I rested my head on her shoulder, praying I was not going too far. My voice was tight, holding back tears and joy together, my eyes tightly shut. And finally I spoke the words. "Oh, Hotohori-sama... I love you..."

My eyes widened and I nearly pulled away, but I did not; instead my arms tightened slightly around him. He loved me... I shut my eyes and, very quietly, my voice almost mystified, I spoke the words I never thought I would say aloud. "I... love you too..."

My smile increased a bit- it was hard to smile more than I was- and remained there, feeling her warmth against me, my arms around her perfect waist, thrilled and still rather shocked, though happiness was by far the most prevalent emotion. She loved me... she loved me... it had been me about whom she had been speaking when she had told me of the one she loved. I was the reason she had not agreed to love Miaka. I was the one for whom she had given up her dream of Suzaku no Miko. She loved me that much...

It was only a moment, I'm sure, but it seemed like forever, and I would have been happy to have stayed like that forever. I was still afraid that if we let go, it would be over, some sort of mistake, a dream.   


I pulled away slowly, my hand seeking hers, my eyes trying to meet hers. I could feel the smile on my face of pure joy, awe, love. She loved me... Me. I never thought anyone would, but I had always hoped... "Would you like to watch the fireworks? They _are_ for us, after all."

The smile on my face would not have disappeared had I tried to vanquish it. I tightened my hand around his as I nodded in answer to his question. "Hai..." It was perfect, the way our hands fit together; it felt right... safe. The reality of the situation was still a bit beyond me. I could not yet bring myself to believe it was completely real. I gazed at him for a moment more before turning my eyes to the display of dazzling lights that adorned the night sky.

I watched her a moment, and then turned my attention to my hair, which was starting to give me a headache. Most men- for obvious reasons- did not wear their hair as long as I did. I tugged at it uncomfortably with my free hand- there was no way I would let go of hers. "Ne... do you mind if I take this out? It hurts a bit."

She glanced down at me and nodded, a look of surprise at everything on her face mixed with pleasure. She looked so happy... My heart was soaring. "Of course."

I pulled my hair down with my free hand, sliding the ribbon out of it. I shook my head so that it fell over my shoulders in a flash of purple. "I don't see how you can stand wearing your hair like that..." It hurt. Did she suffer through that every day?

"You get used to it..." I told him, laughing. His hair fell about his shoulders now in that familiar violet waterfall. Perfect. I turned my eyes back to the sky where another explosion brought with it the birth of a glittering blossom. He grinned at me and pulled me over to the rail, gazing up at the sky as well for a moment. The fireworks reflected in the infinitely deep mirrors of his eyes. Turning to me, he smiled fully and though I was not looking at him, I could feel his gaze remain on me for a long moment.

I in turn kept my eyes on the sky, afraid I would be unable to look away if I met his magical gaze. My voice when I spoke was quiet, a bit dreamlike, but then everything was dreamlike, and if it were a dream, I would be content to continue dreaming forever. "They're beautiful, aren't they?" I said as yet another series of brilliant lights blazed across the sky.

I forced myself to stifle a smile. "No..."

She looked surprised. They were, after all, the best fireworks that could be bought, celebrating the belated marriage of the emperor. She glanced down at me, raising an eyebrow. "No?"

The smile escaped. "Not compared to you..."

I was caught off-guard yet again and all I could do was look at him and blush. I was not the blushing type of person, but looking at him, his bright eyes glowing with happiness and knowing he thought I was beautiful, knowing he loved me, knowing how much I loved him, I could not stop my face from coloring slightly.

He laughed quietly, his musical laugh that danced across his lips and out into the night's darkness. "It's true."

My composure slowly returned to me and I laughed as well, slightly. A yawn escaped my lips before I could stop it and I cupped a hand to my mouth a bit too late.

It had been a long day. She was tired. I didn't want my time with her here to end, but I also didn't want to go back to the room- because _that_ might come next. But she was tired... "We should head back."

She glanced back to the fireworks which seemed to me to be winding down. "Yes," she said quietly. Perhaps she did not want to leave either.

I gave her another light smile, wondering who I was trying to cheer up, and started heading back, not releasing her hand. For some reason, I felt that if I let her go, everything would vanish, that this would turn out to have been just an illusion.

The smile from earlier still played across my face. It was finally beginning to set in, the shock fading a shade or two duller and taking with it the disbelief, leaving behind only a soft, quiet happiness. He loved me. He actually truly loved me. We arrived at the room all too soon, our short walk over. I glanced at the door, warily. I knew what was supposed to happen in that room tonight, but I wondered if it would. I... I loved him, but were we ready to...? I sighed. What would happen would happen. Swallowing the small lump that had appeared anew in my throat, I stepped inside, Nuriko following just behind me. I walked over, my still-bare feet padding softly across the cold floor and sat on the bed, turning my gaze back to him.

If ever, it would be now. I'm sure I looked very uncomfortable suddenly. I leaned against the door, mimicking unconsciously her earlier action. I had just found out that she loved me... I couldn't ruin it now. It wasn't the right time. I bit my lip and gazed at her, my hair cascading over my shoulders. I wondered if I looked as feminine as she did and shook my head slightly.

She just watched me, silent.

My voice was quiet, trying to hide the shyness I felt. "Anou... now what?" I could feel that my face was slightly pink.

I shook my head. I did not know... I did not think. My hand came to rest on a soft puffy object, one of the many pillows that lay scattered over the bed. My fingers tightened around it and an evil thought came to my mind. As quickly as I could, I launched the pillow at him, aiming for his face and scoring.

I blinked as I received a pillow in the face. Blankly, I caught it as it fell, staring at her in shock. The emperor of my country had just thrown a pillow at me. The Suzaku seishi Hotohori, protector of Suzaku no Miko, had thrown a pillow at me. I'm sure I looked stunned, because that's all I felt.

I tried to choke back a laugh and failed. His face was so shocked, so completely unsure of what to do. Worry struck me suddenly. Would he take that wrong? My fear was quickly dispelled by Nuriko as his face contorted from an expression of complete surprise to one of mischief. He gave me a dirty look, his own hand tightening around the pillow he now held, the ammunition I had provided him with. "All right, you..." He hurled the pillow back at me. It sailed through the air quickly. I stared at it for a moment before quickly dodging, rolling across the bed and grabbing another pillow as I did.

I blinked as the pillow exploded at the impact with the wall, feathers creating an artificial white storm as they floated down. I hadn't quite meant to throw it that hard. I'd have to be more careful. I stepped over to examine the damage I had caused, getting little feathers all over my feet. My eyes widened. "I dented the wall with the pillow..."

She was gazing at the wall as well, looking as surprised as I felt. "Yes, you did..." With me distracted by that, she hurled another pillow at me.

She managed again to hit me right in the face, but this time I caught it in my hands and turned to her, smirking. I had been champion pillow fight winner at my house when I was little. I suppose my seishi powers had helped then, but she was not going to beat me. I didn't care if she was the emperor. "You won't win this..."

I laughed, grinning at him happily. "I'm ahead so far," I stated matter-of-factly, watching the expression on his face.

I had to keep careful track of my strength. Despite my desire to win, I would make sure not to hurt her. That wall was a testament to what I was capable of doing, and I would not let myself do that to her. I would rather die. Yet I aimed for her head, my smirk increasing. "Not for long!" With that, I threw the pillow.

His aim was better this time and I got hit, the pillow flopping into my face. It was not nearly as hard as the one he had just thrown; it was almost gentle, careful, but still a square hit. I quickly grabbed another pillow and ran to the other side of the room, detouring so my path went close past him. I whapped him with the pillow again as I went by and then turned to face him.

I suddenly froze, hearing a noise outside. A... cough? I glanced over to her, keeping my voice low. "Hotohori-sama?"

I glanced over to the door curiously, but then my eyes strayed back to Nuriko. He lifted another pillow from the bed and walked silently over to the door, padding softly across the floor. He glanced back at me, a delightedly evil grin on his face as he silently indicated the opening at the top of the wall near the ceiling. Catching his train of thought I nodded and smirked. Akito would get it this time. Picking up a chair as silently as I could, I placed it below the opening and carefully climbed up on it, hindered only slightly by the long nightgown I wore. I glanced out the opening to see Akito listening with his ear literally pressed up against the door. I shook my head.

Oh, this would be satisfying. Trying to hide my grin, I handed her the pillow.

As carefully as I could, I held the pillow out through the opening, aimed it, and let it fall. It hit its mark, landing straight on top of Akito's head. My most trusted advisor and friend yelped in surprise and glanced around in confusion before glancing up. He must have seen my eyes peeking over the opening because he shook his head and threw his hands up in a gesture of defeat and walked away, smiling.

Grinning, I grabbed another pillow, waiting for her to come down from the chair. She wouldn't escape this time!

Still smirking I jumped down lightly from the chair, glancing over at Nuriko, but too late to avoid the pillow.

I tossed it at her and smacked her in the stomach, smirking. "Two." I would win!

She tried to laugh and glare at the same time, more attempting the latter but mostly achieving the first. She picked up the pillow, giving me a look that said "Come get me, I dare you." I smiled at her blissfully. She was beautiful even when she was trying to smother me.

Another evil look from her at my smile caused me to start laughing. I scooped up a pillow by my feet and stalked over to her, the evil grin still on my face. She was cornered now. I took my pillow and began to whap her gently, backing her more into the corner, still being careful not to hurt her. Triumph!

He had me backed into a corner. I began swinging my pillow back and forth, most of the time not hitting anything at all. Still smiling at me, he backed away quickly and suddenly went down in between dodging my blows. He somehow landed sitting and reached out. I felt his hands on my ankles, but I could not do anything to prevent him from pulling me to the ground as well. I landed on my backside with a small thump. I looked at him, feigning shock. He was laughing even more now, small tears ready to appear in the corners of his sparkling eyes. I took the opportunity to whack him once more with the pillow, letting myself laugh as well.

Well, it wasn't quite triumph, but it would have to do. I grabbed her pillow, laughing still, and hauled it away from her by sheer strength. I smirked at her. Now who was winning?

She blinked and tried to grab for it, but I was just far enough away that, despite her greater reach, I could manage to keep it away from her. What she did succeed in accomplishing was only to lose her balance and fall over completely just beside me.

I tossed the pillow over to the bed, a little smile now on my face. I leaned down beside her, resting on one elbow, gazing at her, smiling, happy, laughing. Amazing. Beautiful. Perfect. The ruler of a country. My wife. "Feel better now, heika-sama?"

I laughed, nodding despite my sideways position. "Hai, much." And I was. The fear that had worked its way into a tight knot in my chest was gone now. I lay beside him on the floor, not moving, not wanting to.

He watched me for a moment, the smile of earlier visible only trace on his serene face. I went silent as well and looked at him quietly, a bit questioningly. What was he thinking?

I leaned over suddenly and kissed her lightly on the lips, scared, nervous, but needing to do it. I loved her so much. I pulled away after a moment, anxiously awaiting her reaction, but I left my face relatively close to hers. What would she do now? It was her call. Would she reject me or accept me?

I blinked at him surprised. He had... kissed me. I could still feel his lips against mine, so soft. I had never felt anything like it before. I wanted to feel it again. He was still leaning over me, his face not far from mine. I leaned up and kissed him, shutting my eyes, only barely realizing that I was kissing the one I loved, the one I wanted to spend forever with, the one who loved me.

I shut my eyes, kissing back. She had accepted me. She truly loved me. She truly loved _me_. I pulled away after a moment, a small smile on my face. "It's true...?" I whispered to her.

She opened her dark eyes and gave me a questioning look. Her eyes were amazing, deep pools of utter poetry, a moving song, a living dance. "Is what true?"

I reached out my free hand to touch her delicate face gently, touching heaven on earth. My voice, when I next spoke, did not imply a question. "You love me..." I allowed a small smile onto my face, gazing at her. "So beautiful..."

I watched him, my eyes not leaving his face. I could not look away. His lips rested in a dreamlike smile that was so content, happy. I smiled back slightly, feeling suddenly quiet, but it was a good quiet. It was the type of stillness that comes when happiness and relief go beyond words.

He reached down again, grinning, and pulled a feather from one of the badly beaten pillows out of my hair. "Ne... we should get some sleep..." He blushed suddenly and sat up, looking away hurriedly.

I sat up as well, looking at him, confused, questioning. What had caused the sudden change in his mood? Had I done something? He stood then, rising to his feet quickly, gracefully, and reached a hand down to help me up. I took his hand and stood as well, another yawn slipping out in the process. I was tired, but I did not want this to end. It was too perfect...

I smiled slightly, standing on my tip-toes to reach up and kiss her cheek gently. "Oyasumi, Hotohori-sama..." I paused a moment, watching her every movement, her athletic grace that came from her swordsmanship. "And I love you."

I smiled back, thrilled at hearing the words. I had never thought I would hear them... not from someone I loved as well. "I love you too..." I tried the words again; they felt more comfortable this time. They fit well. "Oyasumi..."

I gave her a shy smile and turned to the door, opening it and quickly shutting it behind me. I knew if I looked back I would not leave, and she needed to sleep. I broke into a run, unable to contain my joy. I wanted to sing to the world that she loved me, but I could not. With my hair down like this, someone might recognize me. My feet led me to my room and I shut the door behind me, falling onto my bed laughing, thrilled, happy. She loved me!

I watched the closed door for a long moment, just remembering. My hand strayed to touch my lips absently. He had kissed me... He loved me. I loved him. And we were married. A moment later, a smile broke across my face. I still was not quite sure I believed it... still afraid it was all a cruel mistake, but even those thoughts were fading. It was true. I blew out the small flickering candles around the room, the smoke rising in small swirls into the darkened air. I slipped into bed, pulling the covers tightly around myself, still smiling. I shut my eyes, and his words kept singing in my mind. _I love you, Hotohori-sama._

_I love you too, Nuriko... I love you too._   
  
  
  


Part Twelve

  
  


The birds were singing.

That was what had woken me up.

I sighed, annoyed, and started to roll over when I suddenly remembered last night. My eyes widened. I touched the light silk nightclothes I still wore. Had it been true? Had it been real? Or had everything just been a story that my mind had created to block out what had actually happened?

I sat up slowly, my hair drifting into my face. I reached up a hand and pushed it back. Was it possible? It hadn't been a dream?

I stood, wandering over to my mirror, gazing at my face. Hotohori-sama loved the person behind that face. Me. She had kissed those lips. She had touched those shoulders. I smiled at myself blissfully. She had called me beautiful.

_I love you too..._

It had to be true!

I reached out and grabbed my comb and started to brush my hair. It was a dream, but it was a true dream. I quickly pulled it back into my typical braid and tossed it over my shoulder. I pulled a pink nightgown out of my closet, slipped out of the light blue nightclothes, and pulled the nightgown on. I slid on a robe and tied it around me. It wouldn't do for the emperor's... I stopped. What was I? Not exactly her wife... but that's what everyone thought. I stifled a laugh. Everything was so wonderful! She loved me!

I flung open the door to my room, not bothering to shut it. The sun gleamed in the wonderfully blue sky, the scattered clouds gathering traces of white out of the solid azure. I hoped she would be up by now. She would be in the throne room if she were. I didn't dance to the room, but I did run, my bare feet making soft thudding noises as I went.

I pushed open the door quietly, sticking my head in. Disappointment blazed behind my eyes when I saw she was not there. Yet Akito, the man she trusted most in the world, was sitting as usual behind his desk.

I could feel the sleepy smile on my face. He would know all about her childhood, all her secret dreams and fears. I'd talk to him. Then maybe... maybe I could wake her if she wasn't already awake... or... maybe... I could kiss her again... I wondered vaguely if I looked as giddy as I felt.

He gave me a questioning, curious look as I entered, saying nothing yet. I could not help the slow, shy smile that came onto my lips. I wandered over to him, my feet padding softly on the cool wooden floor. "Ohayo..."

He was smirking slightly at me. "Ohayo, Nuriko-sama..." Out of the generosity of his heart, he then gave me an evil look. "You look a bit dazed... I trust you... enjoyed yourself... last night?"

I blinked, several things registering at once. Nuriko-sama? And... enjoyed myself?? What was he getting at? At first, I was unsure, but when I finally connected his expression to his words, I understood suddenly and blushed. "No! I... we didn't!!"

He sighed and shook his head, looking very disappointed. "I know."

I blinked again, my blush fading from my cheeks. "You know...?" I had been hoping the pillow had gotten rid of him.

He nodded, looking at me. "It would have been difficult for you two to have done anything, seeing as you spent the night in separate rooms." He set his brush down, laying it aside of the paper he had been writing and just looked at me, almost as if he were summing me up, appraising me.

I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling self-conscious, tightening my robe around me unknowingly. "What?" It felt awful, the way he was looking at me, as if he had no qualms about selling me on the slave market if I didn't measure up to expectations. I was supposed to deal with this man now on a regular basis?

His typical smirk returned. Did he delight in seeing me so uncomfortable? "Iie... nothing." I watched him silently. I felt somehow that I had done something to offend him and was unsure what or how to fix it. Did he really dislike me so much? But then his voice dropped its icy tone and his smirk faded slightly. "You'll excuse my manners." He stood and dropped me a bow. "I should have greeted you more politely. After all, you are the empress now." He let another smirk slip out.

Didn't he realize that every jibe like that at me was a slash to Hotohori-sama as well? But I was surprised at the sudden gentility. "No, no! It's all right, honestly! You don't have to do that!" I wasn't sure I wanted him to. I felt in no way superior to him. I felt a bit upset and thought it must have showed. "Please. After all, it's thanks to you..." I stopped my words and raised my eyes to him, my voice low and serious.

He shook his head, for once looking serious as well. "Iie, Nuriko-sama." He then actually smiled at me. "I did nothing that deserves any thanks."

I met his eyes finally, my voice firm and serious. "Yes, you did. So thank you." I turned my eyes up to the small dais where two thrones now rested. "And I'm not the empress yet... if she even wants me to be." I flashed him a quick smile. Even if she loved me, it didn't necessarily mean that I would be empress. After all, I needed to know how much she loved me. What if I were just a fleeting fancy? I couldn't bear that. She was the emperor. Most emperors had far more than one lover. My face fell slightly as I gazed at the throne. My heart wouldn't change, I knew. Not ever.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him smile. When he spoke, his tone was gentle and quiet, the kindest he had ever spoken to me before. "I'm sure she will."

I gave him another small smile, a little shyly. "It's up to her..." My eyes strayed to the throne again. I had never desired this. In fact, I would rather have not had to deal with this aspect. But she was worth it. She was worth anything I ever had to suffer. "What would my duties be?"

He shrugged. "Whatever heika-sama delegates as your duty... but as a base, giving counsel when needed, greeting foreign ambassadors with her..." The look he gave me was more meaningful than his words could be. "Providing an heir... or at least helping..."

I paled suddenly, lowering my eyes, my voice very quiet. "Of course." He would expect that soon. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I couldn't touch her like that yet and still have respect for myself.

He laughed. "You're quite a pair, you know that? You and Sai-chan... I mean heika-sama."

I raised my eyes to him slowly, a small smile lighting on my face. "Really?" I coughed suddenly. I was acting childish. "I mean, um, thank you." No, that wasn't right either. I gave up making sense or acting mature and changed the topic to her. "You call her Sai-chan?"

He nodded, a little smirk once again on his face. "She hates it... or at least pretends to." His voice turned reminiscent. "But I've called her that since before she was old enough to protest... so it's ingrained."

I smiled slowly and shyly. I was so happy. She loved me. "Sai-chan," I repeated to myself, a whisper. I shut my eyes a moment, suddenly overwhelmed by all of this and so happy. She loved me. She loved me. I wanted to hold her more than anything at that moment, but was too shy to ask him if I could go wake her. I simply opened my eyes and gave him a pleading look.

He seemed to understand. He gave me a little smile, but carried a sadness in his eyes deeper than most that I had ever seen. He stood. "I'll go get her then, Nuriko-sama."

I gave him a grateful smile, but was suddenly a bit anxious. How would she react to me after last night? I tugged my braid around in front of me and watched him leave for her room. "Sai-chan," I whispered again. _Sai-chan..._

"Sai-chan..."

I awoke to a voice hissing in my ear, startled out of a peaceful dream. Sitting up bolt upright, I clutched the blankets in front of me, unconsciously holding them over my chest. The figure standing beside my bed laughed. "Good morning, Sai-chan. Did you sleep well?" He paused for a moment and his laughter stopped abruptly. "Alone."

I smiled at him, still in far too good a mood to notice his biting comments. Last night kept playing through my mind. He loved me. "I slept very well, thank you."

Akito glanced around at the state of the room, feathers still laying everywhere and scattered about the floor like snow. Stray pillows were bunched up in the corners where they had been thrown the night before. "Now... I'm not going to ask how this happened, because I don't want to know. I know it didn't happen while you were doing _that_ because Nuriko-san spent the night in his own room and certain things typically require two people." He stopped, catching his breath and shaking his head.

I could not help laughing. He sighed, but the stern look on his face faded into a smile. "It's nice to see you happy. I was worried about you, Sai-chan... you looked so sad. It's good to hear you laugh again."

"He loves me, Akito. He really loves me." I had to say it aloud, but it came out as almost a whisper. It was still so amazing, almost difficult to believe.

He nodded, still smiling at me. I slipped my legs over the side of the bed and stood up, the floor cold against my bare feet. The long white nightgown was still more or less unwrinkled despite the night of sleep. Glancing at Akito, I raised an eyebrow at the look on his face. He was staring at me, his eyes slightly clouded and distant.

"Akito...?"

He shook his head, regaining himself quickly. "Gomen, Sai-chan... you... the way you were standing, your expression... you looked so much like your mother." He laughed and began towards the door, but before he reached it, he turned around. "You might want to consider getting dressed and coming to the throne room. Your husband is waiting there, most likely smiling and staring into space like an idiot." He smiled devilishly. "Goodness... what did you do to him last night?" My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to tell him nothing, but he was already half-way out the room. "I'll meet you in the throne room, heika-sama." He bowed his head and shut the door behind him.

Walking to the closet, I removed the silk nightgown, hanging it carefully inside, running my fingers once over the soft silk. Still smiling, I pulled out a more or less casual robe, less elaborate than the formal clothes of an emperor; they were the clothes I wore when traveling or practicing my swordsmanship. The pants were a dark red color and the robe a dusty red with a white shirt beneath it. I pulled the robe around me, fastening a sash-like belt a bit below my waste. My hair was still wild; I ran a brush through it quickly, just a cursory detanglement. Nuriko was waiting for me. I smiled again. It had not been a dream- he was there.

Stepping into a pair of comfortable shoes, I walked outside, my feet quickly covering the distance to the throne room where the man I loved waited. The sun was shining brightly and the songs of birds had replaced the chorus of crickets that had sung so sweetly the night before. I stopped before the door to the throne room, pulling it open carefully, soundlessly, and stepped into the room silently, that quiet happiness still firmly gripping my heart.

_I love you too..._ My mind kept drifting back to those words. I was gazing down at the ground kind of spacily, my mind dancing over everything, feeling the most blissful I had since my sister had died. Apparently I was also rather oblivious, because I did not notice that Akito had returned to the room.

He cleared his throat. "She's on her way," broke his voice through my musings.

I blinked and looked up on him, bestowing a sudden sunny smile upon him. I said nothing, content to be silent, happy in my thoughts.

He gave me a genuine smile back. "Ne, arigatou, Nuriko-sama."

That, needless to say, caught me completely off-guard, both the use of "sama" after my name again and the sincere thanks. "Akito-san...?"

He was still smiling. "I haven't seen Sai-chan so happy since her mother was alive... It's nice to see her like that... thank you." He looked as if he had caught himself being congenial, so brusquely sat down at his desk, glancing at the papers that rested there waiting for him.

I let a slow smile slip onto my lips and walked quietly over to his desk, watching him. My voice was quiet. "She... really loves me?" I did not wait for him to answer, letting my smile increase slightly. "She's a dream... a perfect dream... and I have to thank you, not the other way around." He had raised her, taught her, loved her, shown her the way to be herself. I owed him everything.

He glanced up at me, answering my first question. "Hai... she truly loves you..." He smiled again despite himself. "And if you somehow think I played some role in this, then I'm very happy to have helped."

Played some role? No. He had been the director. I slowly lowered myself to the floor beside the desk, letting the pink of the cloth settle around me. I looked up at him, feeling as I had when my father had told me stories late at night, young, innocent. "Ne... tell me about her? Like when she was small?"

He laughed. "She was a lot like she is now... only shorter. Saihitei was always the little child up a tree or splashing in puddles despite her mother's and my best efforts... but even then when she'd be being scolded she'd straighten herself up, give you this look, and make you feel as though you were the one in the wrong. But she was always somewhat of a loner..." He chuckled again. "Ne, listen to me. I'm getting reminiscent... gomen."

I felt my smile grow wistful. How wonderful she must have been. "I wish I could have known her then..." Maybe we could have played together. Kourin would have loved to drag her into the fields to pick flowers. And I... maybe I could have told her my feelings myself.

He smirked. "You two would have been far too much trouble for anyone to control; you're both self-willed... it would have been quite cute."

I blinked again, a little surprised. "Self-willed? What do you mean?" I had been trained as a court princess. Of course, the docility and gentleness I had learned were rarely put to use, but still...

He shook his head, laughing to himself. "Never mind."

I was curious as to what he had meant, but at that moment, my eyes caught sight of a long shadow. I turned my face up to her, my eyes widening slightly. She was real. Real. I glowed a smile at her, wondering how anything so perfect could exist. I remained silent, content to just look at her.

She smiled back at me, just watching me a moment. "Ohayo, Nuriko."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Akito smirking at us. I suppose we did look rather silly, but I didn't care at all. She loved me and I loved her. That was all that mattered.

"Ohayo, Hotohori-sama," I replied blissfully. It was the first time I was able to show my love for her openly. I would not waste what time I had by staying with propriety.

She stepped over to where I was sitting on the floor and offered me a hand to help me up. "Did I interrupt your conversation?"

I allowed myself a moment more to glow at her before giving her my hand, shaking my head slightly. My eyes did not leave her once.

She took my hand and pulled me gently to my feet. Akito was shaking his head in amusement at us.

I gazes at her a second more and then lifted the hand I still held in my own to my lips, kissing it lightly. "Did you sleep well then, Hotohori-sama?"

She nodded at me, hers eyes not leaving mine, managing to turn her hand slightly so that it brushed my cheek briefly, lightly, like a summer breeze. "Hai... did you?"

"I've been meaning to talk to the two of you about that..." Akito tried to interrupt, but it didn't quite work.

"Perfectly..." I replied, tightening my hand around hers slightly. She was my center of attention, the one who had captured my heart.

Akito did not seem to appreciate being ignored, even if I did not mean to do so. "May I ask the two of you a question?"

I glanced down at him, startled out of my reverie. He was still sitting at the desk, looking slightly annoyed.

She seemed to know something more than I did, perhaps from his tone, but she nodded to him, her eyes moving away from me.

"Now... this is of course a vague question, but..." He gave us both a dark look. "How many married couples do you know that spend their wedding night in separate rooms?"

I felt my eyes widen slightly and lowered them, going silent. I knew I paled. I couldn't do that to her yet!

Beside me, she sighed. "There's a first time for everything, Akito. How many married couples do you know that only find out they love each other after they're married?"

He smirked, but he gave her a little wink. "Hmph."

At her words I looked up to her, the small smile creeping back onto my face. Last night, everything I had ever dreamed for had come true. "Hotohori-sama..."

She smiled back at me, lowering her eyes to me, completely ignoring Akito again.

"You see what I mean now by strong-willed..." he muttered, but I could see he was trying hide a smile.

I suddenly hugged her tightly, silent, needing to reassure myself that she was real. And she must have been, for she hugged me back, arms wrapped around me tightly. And then she spoke again the three most longed-for words that I had ever wanted from her. "I love you." Was she reassuring herself as much as I was?

Akito shook his head, smiling, and stood, heading for the door, leaving us alone for the moment.

I pulled away, glancing at his retreating figure, then up to her helplessly. I was not willing to call him back, but I felt guilty that he had seen the need to leave.

She shook her head, a little smile playing at the corner of her mouth. "He'll be back. He always is... whether you want him to or not."

"I heard that!" shouted Akito from outside the door.

I stifled a laugh and smiled up at her, completely confident, happy, peaceful. My voice was quiet. "I love you too... but are you real?"

She laughed, nodding. "Of course I'm real." She paused a moment, and when she spoke next, her voice was soft. "Are you?"

I reached my left hand up to her, touching her cheek gently, seeing if she would allow me to do so, testing her reactions. "I think so... I'm not sure after last night..."

She laughed again and just smiled at me. Her eyes were so peaceful, so gentle, kind, sweet. But then a thought hit me.

I think my face must have looked a bit troubled, because she looked concerned. "Ne..."

Her voice was questioning, curious. "What?"

I still had my hand on her cheek, my thumb lightly tracing her jawline. "We'll know, won't we?"

Her voice was quiet. "Know what?"

I lowered my hand and my eyes. "When... I mean..." I paused, taking a deep breath. How should I say this? "Well... you know..." I started again lamely. "I don't want to hurt you... and I won't say I'm not nervous..."

She smiled and reached down to tilt my chin up so that I looked at her. "We'll know," she reassured me, and then she leaned down and kissed me gently. I was surprised, but not complaining. "I won't say I'm not nervous either." She gave me a slight smile.

I looked up at her, still a little happily stunned by the kiss, my smile back on my face. "Hotohori-sama..."

She smiled again, but tilted her head to the side, looking at me for a moment. "Ne... we are married now... you should probably drop the 'sama.'"

I blinked, shocked at the idea. For some reason, it had never occurred to me. "But... you're the emperor..."

"Hai," she said quietly, "and you're my... empress... ne?"

I stared at her. "I..." I couldn't think of a logical argument at that point. All I could do was look at her, stunned. The emperor? Calling her by just her first name?

She just watched me, waiting for me to say something.

I looked down. "I'm just the son of a tailor, Hotohori-sama." I didn't know why she loved me. I wasn't rich, wasn't extraordinarily smart, wasn't nearly as beautiful as she was. What did she see in me?

"You're a Suzaku shichiseishi, you're married to the emperor, and you're the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful person I have ever known. You are not 'just' anything," she said firmly. Her lips curved ever so slightly as she added, "Nuriko-sama."

I looked up, my eyes wide, gazing at her, then suddenly away. "Hotohori-sama, I..."

"What?" she asked quietly.

I stopped, quite unable to put my feelings into words, and looked up at her helplessly.

Her voice was still quiet. "I'm sorry."

I blinked, again surprised. "Sorry...? What? Why?"

"For making you uncomfortable... I did not want to do that..." She was not meeting my eyes.

I shook my head quickly. "Iie, I'm fine." I gave her a little smile. "Because I love you..." My expression changed into a somewhat wicked smirk. "And I saw you in a nightgown last night."

She gave me a startled look. "H-hai."

I suddenly went serious. "I wanted so much to tell you how beautiful you looked... I've never seen anyone that... that..." I shook my head slightly, searching for the word. "That perfect."

A very feminine blush suddenly graced her cheeks. "A-arigatou... I... I'm not used to actually looking... like a woman..." She smiled a bit sheepishly as her coloring returned to the familiar shade.

For some reason, this struck me as amazingly funny. I started to laugh.

She raised an eyebrow in silent question, looking slightly puzzled.

After a moment, I managed to kill my laughter. "Just... both of us... it's so ironic..." I gave her a shy smile. "But you certainly are the most beautiful man or woman that I've ever seen..." I turned my voice gentle. "And the only one I've ever loved..." I reached up and touched her cheek again, my voice shy. "Sai'ai..."

She smiled at the irony as well, gazing at me happily. Her voice was quiet, almost awed. "Sai'ai... most beloved..."

A few days passed much like this. I was crowned that morning officially by Akito as empress. I felt a little odd at this. We did not see much of the other seishi, but the reactions that they gave me were what I expected. Most of them were horrified that the emperor had married a man. They still did not know her secret. Miaka was so happy for us though. For that I was glad.

I was in my room a few nights later. We were preparing to leave for Hokkan as soon as all of the festivities for the wedding were complete. I was brushing my long hair at the mirror, studying myself silently. I was wearing soft green sleeping clothes, two separate pieces, much more masculine than I was used to wearing.

"Anou, Nuriko-sama..." Akito was standing at my door.

I glanced over. "Akito-san?"

"May I come in?" he asked me.

I nodded, a little surprised. "Of course!"

He opened the door and stepped in, smiling. "Konban wa. Sorry to disturb you, but heika-sama wishes to see you..."

I smiled back, delighted. "That's not a disturbance at all. Where is she?"

"In her chamber at the moment..." he replied. "I'll take you there..." His smile was odd, very unlike either his usual smirk or the fatherly smile he had given me the day after our wedding.

I tilted my head slightly, watching him, but I set my brush down on the dresser, leaving my hair loose. "All right."

He stepped and turned back, waiting for me. I followed, not bothering to take a robe. She wouldn't keep me long. It was getting late.

He stopped just outside of Hotohori-sama's door. "Here we are... after you, Nuriko-sama."

That still threw me off, but I gave him a little grin. "Arigatou, Akito-san." I stepped in, smiling as my eyes caught sight of her. She looked a little surprised to see me. "Konban wa, Hotohori-sama!" I stopped. "Iie... Hotohori." I still felt so shy saying that.

She smiled a bit at me, still looking puzzled. I wondered why, but then suddenly heard a door slam shut behind me. A lock clicked none-too-quietly into place.

"There," came Akito's muffled voice from the other side of the door.

I turned suddenly, pushing on it. I couldn't open the door without damaging anything. I turned back around, looking at her with shock in my eyes. This scene felt slightly familiar.

She looked rather surprised as well. She rose and walked over to me. "What's going on?"

I understood all at once and looked up at her. "I think Akito-san has decided for us that we are ready..."

She glanced down at me and then back to the door. "Akito?"

His voice was muffled by the closed door. "I've given you your adjustment period... whatever you do or don't do tonight is up to you, but you're spending the night in the same room for once."

I looked up at her again, more than slightly worried, wondering what her reaction to this would be.

I found her looking back at me, doing her best not to look nervous as well. "Ne... sorry about this..." She gave me a weak smile.

I smiled faintly back, forcing my voice to be steady. "You're sorry that I have to spend a night in the same room as the most beautiful girl in the world?" I kept my voice gentle, and I spoke truly, honestly. "I'm not."

She gave me a quick, uneasy smile, looking unsure what to do or say, and went to sit on the bed.

I stayed warily by the door. "Well..." I stopped, finding nothing to say, a little more than slightly uncomfortable.

"Well..." she repeated. Her gaze drifted to a pillow and then back to me. She laughed softly, suddenly.

I gave her a slow smile and walked over to her, sitting beside her on the bed. I slipped an arm gently around her waist. I didn't fear touching her now. She was real; she was not a phantom dream. "That was an odd day, wasn't it?"

She nodded, laughter still on her lips. "Hai... odd to say the least."

I grinned. "Not that I'm complaining..." After a moment, I sighed. "I can't believe he locked us in here."

"Oh... I can believe it," she said, sighing as well. "But... it's not a big deal, right?"

I tightened my arm slightly around her, not answering that question. "Maybe he's right..."

She glanced over at me questioningly. "Hmm?"

I felt completely ashamed of myself. "Well... that was the reason in the first place, wasn't it?" I looked up at her, slightly anxious. "I mean... well, you know what I mean." I lowered my eyes. I felt awful. "The reason we got married..."

Her voice was quiet and she was not looking at me. "Hai... it was..."

I suddenly blushed and pulled my arm away from her, putting my hands in my lap and watched them, not allowing my gaze to waver. "I don't love you for that, you know."

She smiled slightly. "Hai, I know... it is not my reason for loving you either..."

"I know," I said quietly, raising my eyes to her. "But I love you. I'll try my best to make you happy. I'll do anything for that. But... I belong to the country as much as you do now..." I looked away, leaving it unfinished. It was our job to provide an heir to carry on the welfare of the country.

Her smile flickered, but it remained. "Hai..." She was still watching me. "I love you... and I want to know what it's like to love you like that too..." Her voice was still quiet. "But not before you're ready."

She... wanted me? Like that? It took a minute for me to understand. I watched her a moment, my eyes seeking, serious. My voice was soft. "Kiss me."

She leaned over and kissed me gently, closing her eyes. I kissed back gently as well, but a bit more needingly. I pulled away after a minute, my eyes still serious. I was worried about her. "I'm ready." I think I always had been. She was the woman I would spend my life with, my wife, and she deserved anything I could give her- if she wanted it. "Are you?"

She nodded and slowly opened her eyes, looking at me, a slight smile touching the edges of her mouth. She was nervous. "Yes."

I could see it. She was worried. I reached out a hand and cupped her cheek gently. "If you don't want to..."

She shook her head, interrupting me. "I do."

I smiled slowly, shyly, and leaned up and kissed her again, a bit more seekingly. I murmured her name softly, Saihitei, gently, lovingly. She was kissing me back, very nervous at first, but after a moment she relaxed visibly, her fear replaced by other emotions.

"I love you... I love you..." I whispered softly, feathering kisses down her jaw. My hands strayed to her waist, holding her, feeling the gentleness of her curves.

Slowly, almost cautiously, she trailed her hands lightly over my shoulders and neck and tangled them in my loose hair.

I pulled her tightly to me, feeling the gentle sensation of her fingers. I needed reassurance. Despite my bravado, I was still nervous. I had no doubts about giving myself to her. Of that I was completely certain. What I doubted was my own ability in this area. What if I did something wrong? My voice was soft, a whisper. "My wife."

Her voice was a whisper like mine. "I love you..."

I laughed quietly, pulling away only slightly so I could see her face. I took her chin gently in my hand. "I know... otherwise you wouldn't put up with me." Before she could say anything, I kissed her again, deeply.

She didn't respond for a moment, surprised, but then kissed me back just as deeply, letting me know everything she felt, all of her nervousness gone.

I shut my eyes, slowly lowering her back onto the bed, making sure to be as gentle as I could with her, trying not to end the kiss. She rested back onto the pillows, gently breaking away a bit breathlessly, reaching her head up to shyly touch her lips to my neck.

I kept my eyes shut, moving slightly so that she could do so with more ease, no longer worried myself. I would just enjoy everything about her, making her feel good, making her happy, giving her everything I could. I reached down a hand and touched her bare leg gently, then looked up at her, not wanting her to stop, but I had to make sure I wasn't pushing her too far. "Is this all right?" I asked quietly.

She nodded, opening her dark eyes to look at me. "Hai..."

I then suddenly sat up, pulling away from her, a little smirk on my face. I slid my nightshirt over my head, leaving the bottom half on me. I grinned at her triumphantly. If she had ever doubted that I was a man, that would be dispelled tonight. Starting with this. "Proof."

She looked up at me from her reclined position, laughing quietly. "Hai..."

I set myself beside her, leaning on one elbow, then took her hand in mine. I gazed at her, a naughty idea popping into my mind. "Hmm..."

She was still smiling, albeit curiously. "Hmm?"

My grin was evil. "Well... it's only fair... I took off _my_ shirt..." I left it hanging, waiting for her to accept or refuse my dare.

She laughed and leaned over, kissing me quickly. "Only fair, hmm?" Her slender hand slipped out and tentatively touched the flat plane of my chest. She was so gentle and her hand was cool. My own hand was busy playing with a long strand of her hair on the pillow, yet I gazed only at her. Would she take my challenge?

Moving a bit so that I was more comfortable, I grinned darkly. "Aa."

"Oh, but it isn't... this is all I'm wearing... now where's the fun in that...?" She was laughing. I was so glad. A week ago I would have never thought I could laugh with her about things like this.

I inched over closer to her, moving my face right beside her, the little grin still on it. "I'm sure we'll manage to... enjoy ourselves..."

She smiled back. "Hai... perhaps..."

I moved my head slightly, kissing her gently, teasingly. "Perhaps?"

"All right," she acquiesced. "Definitely." She readjusted her position so she could kiss me deeply, fully.

She pulled away after a moment, a little smirk on her beautiful lips. "I suppose it is only fair then, ne?" she asked me sweetly.

I blinked, a bit shocked. "Hotohori-sama?" I was too used to calling her that. I often slipped back into it, though she preferred Hotohori or even Saihitei.

She gave me a slight smile and began unfastening her nightgown from the top down. There wasn't much else that I could do but stare. She had called my bluff. Was this really going to happen? And I was silent, shocked.

Still smiling at me, she stopped. "Nuriko?" she asked questioningly.

"H-hai?" I said and winced. I sounded breathless.

Her smile grew deeper. "Are you all right...? You've gone pale..." I could tell that it was Akito who had raised her. With the smirk still on her lips, she continued unfastening the nightgown. In one fluid motion, she slid out of the nightgown and looked up at me.

This was the first time I had ever seen my wife naked, and I was stunned. Goddesses should not dwell on earth. I moved closer to her, resting a hand lightly on her bare waist, moving my body against hers, kissing her, touching her, loving her, murmuring her name into her lips.

That night was too short.

The moon was past its highest point, but it still cast its eerie ethereal light into the room, making the shadows dance in strange mystical patterns across the walls. Nuriko lay close beside me and I could feel him against me, warm, reassuring. His chest rose and fell softly as he breathed; I could almost hear his heart beating. It was late and I had lain awake for a while, unwilling to move from where I was: next to him, lying so close to him, safe.

I had never thought anyone would touch me like that; I had already reconciled myself to the fact that love of that sort was not for me. And then Nuriko... and last night. His eyes were shut and a small smile graced his features. Reaching a hand up carefully, gently, so as not to wake him from his slumber, I brushed back a piece of his hair from his peaceful, beautiful face and smiled despite myself. It had been frightening, knowing what we were going to do, but not knowing what it would be like. I had been scared, but the fear did not last- it could not have. I loved him too much, and the way he had touched me, so soft, gentle... Shivering slightly, perhaps from a chill in the night air or perhaps something else, I inched closer to him, seeking warmth.

Tracing my hand absently across his still-bare chest I sighed softly, happily. It was all so confusing, everything at once, but I would not change anything about it. My nightshirt lay in a small heap on the floor where it had been discarded and forgotten.

Akito. I did not even want to hear what he would say about all this. Still looking at Nuriko, a small thought of worry crossed my mind, wondering what the morning would bring when it opened his eyes. I loved him so much... I hoped he would not think it a mistake. I don't know what I would do if he did...

Shutting my eyes tightly, I pushed those thoughts away from my mind and just listened to him breathe, to the faint sound of his heartbeat, and to the soft sounds of the first birds of morning and fell asleep.

I woke to the sound of her breathing softly in my ear.

My hands were tangled in her long dark hair, her mouth close to my ear, her arm across my chest. She was warm against my body, sound asleep. Slowly, I pulled myself away from her. The morning light was trying to shine through the closed windows. I stifled a smile as I wondered if I had worn her out last night.

Standing naked on the cool floor, I knelt beside the bed, gazing at her. Beautiful. So beautiful. I tugged the covers over her, hiding the traces of her femininity. It would not do to have someone walk in on her like that.

I stood again and moved to her closet, selecting a robe from it and slipping it on. It was, of course, too large. She was taller than me. But it would do.

I turned back to her, making sure the blankets would not fall off her, brushing a hair from her face gently. I leaned down and lightly kissed her forehead. Careful where I was stepping amidst the abandoned clothing, I moved silently over to the door, now unlocked, surprisingly, and exited, closing it tightly behind me.

My arms were wrapped around myself, holding the robe tightly to me. My hair lay in scattered waves around my shoulders. I was almost to my room when I saw him.

I slowed and walked up to him, giving him a shy smile. Would he be able to tell that something was different? "Ohayo, Akito-san."

He was smirking as usual. "Ohayo, Nuriko-sama."

"Give me the key," I said firmly.

He simply blinked. "Key, Nuriko-sama?"

I held out my hand to him expectantly, silent.

He laughed and dropped it into my hand. "As though I could not have the locks changed..."

I gave him a sweet smile. "I'm the empress now." I could order anyone to not follow his commands and he knew it. Not that I ever would, but it might prove to be a useful bargaining chip.

He nodded, unable to refute that. "So you are."

I stuck the key in the pocket of the robe, noting then that I had dragged the bottom of it along the floor all the way here. I suddenly looked up at Akito, biting my lip, slightly worried. I stayed silent.

He was perceptive. "Is something wrong, Nuriko-sama?"

Could I ask him? No choice but to try. My voice was quiet, anxious. "What do you think of me?"

"Think of you, Nuriko-sama? Think of you in what way?" It seemed I had caught him a bit off-guard. That was a first.

I sighed quietly. "She's your daughter in all but blood... which makes you, in a way, my father-in-law..." I lowered my eyes. "I just want to know what you think of me."

He actually gave me a real smile, genuine and gentle. "Oftentimes, I don't know what to think of you... you're very strong-willed, stubborn at times; I've seen it. But she loves you so much... and I think I can see why. You're caring, gentle to her. You're also a very intelligent person- I can tell by talking to you." Were those compliments? They seemed to be. But was it only because she loved me? Was he telling me the truth?

I didn't smile back, not yet, my eyes still reflecting my worry. "But... you don't think anything of the fact..." I dropped my voice to just above a whisper, a hand tugging at the robe I wore uncomfortably. "Well, that I cross-dress?" I looked away. "I just never know what you think of me. But she loves you so much and I want you to like me." I raised my eyes to him finally, anxiously.

He paused a moment. "As strange as it sounds... that thought never entered my mind... that is, since I first found out. I don't judge you for that, though. You've given me enough reasons to take you for more than you may appear." He sighed quietly. "Don't ever repeat this- I do have a reputation to keep up- but I do like you. You have a mind of your own... and besides, despite how well you two match, I would not have even suggested you as a spouse if I hadn't seen that... or if I hadn't seen the love the two of you were hiding from each other."

A slow smile suddenly broke across my face, my voice soft, a whisper. "Hontou ni, Akito-san...?" That meant so much to me, more than he would ever realize. I then stopped. Something had just clicked. "Wait... you knew??"

He nodded in answer to both questions. "Yes."

I gave him a dark glare. "You _knew_??"

He took a step back. "H-hai..."

I crossed both my arms over my chest. If they were there, I couldn't kill him. "Why didn't you say anything?? Didn't you know how upset we both were??"

"Yes... I did. I knew exactly how upset you were. Now let me ask you this... would you have believed me if I told you, 'oh, by the way, the emperor really loves you; she's just too afraid to tell you'?" His tone was forceful, but not harsh.

I flinched anyway, looking away, silent.

"I am sorry that you had to go through that," he said quietly, "but I truly believed you would be better off if I did not tell you. Gomen."

I shook my head slowly, looking back up at him. "No... you were right." I gave him a slight smile, weak, wondering if all that time I had suffered had been for good or not. How long had she loved me? How long had we both cried ourselves to sleep at night for the other, not knowing how to dry the other's tears?

"Still, I am sorry." He looked back at me a moment, appraisingly again, but in a different way this time.

I blinked. "You're doing it again..."

"Doing what again, Nuriko-sama?" he asked innocently.

"Looking at me like that..." I could hear the suspicion in my own voice. "I'm not sure whether you're trying to decide how much I would go for in the slave market or whether you're debating if I should wear this color or not." I shifted my weight slightly, uncomfortably.

He laughed. "Well, if I were going to sell you it would not be in that color..." He went serious suddenly. "Iie... just... I want to understand you. You confuse me, and I don't like being confused... at all." He looked annoyed for a moment, but then seemed to change his mind, shrugged, and smiled at me again.

I gave him a little smile. "These are her clothes anyway..." I stopped, realizing something. "Ne... if you go to wake her up... be careful." I allowed a mirroring smirk to slip onto my lips.   
ok ^^   
He raised an eyebrow. "Why careful?"

I grinned at him and pushed past him into my room. "I'm not completely useless, you know!" Laughing to myself, I shut the door to my room, memories of her drifting into my mind. Feeling as beautiful as she had said I was, I tossed off the robe, pulled on my best dress, tied up my hair in the most elaborate way I could manage, and stepped out of the room joyfully.   
  


Go to the [next part][3]. 

Return to [Tokyo Tower][4]. 

   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: mailto:marron_tenou@yahoo.com
   [3]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/serious/life.html
   [4]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



	4. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]

Part Thirteen

  


They had walked off into the distance under the clear blue sky, the sun shining upon them as they talked and laughed with each other, Tamahome, Miaka, and Nuriko. They had been going to visit Tamahome's family and bring them back to the palace where they would be safe. And then we would leave to search for the shinzahou. I had turned away after they were out of sight, wishing once again that I could travel with them, but other things needed my attention. And they would be back by nightfall.

Nightfall... It had been a few days since Akito had decided to lock us in my room. We slept together after that...

The boat we would be leaving on was nearly ready, a sturdy large wooden ship that would safely bear us across the waters to Hokkan. The preparations were almost completely in order, a crew for the ship, rooms for the seishi, food and other supplies. All was ready. The docks were lined with boxes waiting to be loaded onto the vessel and people stood in scattered clumps near the ship, looking on or helping in the preparation. I myself stood amidst them, looking over plans. Everything was set, perfect in writing; it only remained now to enact everything. We would be leaving in a few days, and we did not know how long we would be away. I would be accompanying them. Akito, after much persuasion and debating, had agreed that it was best I go along with the others. He would watch over things while I was gone. I had no doubt that the country would be safe, more than safe, in his hands.

"Heika-sama." I glanced to my right. Akito stood a bit behind me admiring the boat. "She'll be ready in a day or so... Everything is set- we're only waiting for supplies to be stowed aboard."

I nodded to him, turning my eyes to the sky. It had been hours since they had left and the first stars of evening were appearing in the horizon along beside a moon that was barely more than a sliver of shining light. They weren't back yet... and I was beginning to get worried.

Children take a long time to pack and don't travel very fast, I assured myself as I lay in bed later that night, alone. They would be here the next day. I fell asleep, a sleep filled with worried dreams and whispered fears that only slightly dimmed when daylight came.

They did not return until the evening of the next day. I was sitting in my throne room, the ship being tended by others. I was not needed, and so had left, preferring not to be in the way. Something was wrong, I was sure of it. None of them had returned. And then the door opened slowly, creaking softly, announcing the entry of a small figure, head bent, eyes to the ground.

"Chuei... Gyokuran... Shunkei..."

I could see the ball drop from his hand, hear his frightened words.

"Yuiren! Yuiren!!"

Miaka's pleas had barely entered into my awareness as she grabbed my shirt, screaming for Mitsukake, telling me to hurry. I couldn't do anything. My feet were frozen, trapped in memories.

"Niichan won't go anywhere!! I'll be with Yuiren forever!"

"_You'll be with me forever, ne, niisama?"_

_"Of course, Kourin. I couldn't leave you alone. You'd get into too much trouble!"_

_"Niisama!!"_

_Children's laughter._

I could only hold her as she shook in my arms, Miaka, terrified. I had to be strong. I couldn't let myself remember. They needed me.

"Yuiren!!!!" His agonized cry rang through the small village.

She slowly dropped to her knees, still holding me. "So cruel... who would do this?"

Weak. Helpless. Perhaps I was using her as much of a support as she was using me.

And that was when I heard it again.

My eyes widened. "A flute..."

"That tune..." Miaka breathed, her eyes scared, her body taut. "This melody..."

I raised my eyes to the roof where a dark shadow desecrated the landscape.

"Amiboshi!" Miaka said, her voice hushed, fearful.

"Impossible..." I whispered. "You're still alive?"

"Oh no..." Her grip on my arm tightened slightly. "You... did _you_ do it?"

The flute moved away from his mouth. A shiver ran up my spine. Impossible... Amiboshi had died...

"That's right..." he said, and there was something different about his voice. "I'm the one. This is revenge for my brother whom you murdered!!" He flung off his cape, anger filling his features.

I stepped forward in front of Miaka, my voice dark. "Miaka... get behind me." He would not hurt her. He wouldn't hurt anyone anymore when I was done with him. I was so angry. "That's _not_ Amiboshi!!"

A black smile lit his lips. "I'm the Seiryuu seishi, Suboshi! You killed Amiboshi. He was my older twin!"

"You're wrong!!" I yelled back. "We didn't kill him!! It was an accident!"

His hands moved slightly, starting a spin on the ball he held in his hands. "I won't listen to poor excuses," he said simply. "I'll kill you!!"

I grabbed her and threw us out of the way, my head completely calm. I knew what to do. I had to keep her safe. I didn't know what he had thrown at us, but I did not particularly desire to find out. And I was right. The ball he had held slashed into a tree. The tree tipped and fell over on top of Tamahome's house. I just clutched Miaka in my arms.

"Well... how do you like the strength of my ryuuseisui?" he asked us, almost laughing at us.

"You," came Tamahome's soft voice from the doorway of his house. "You... my father, my sisters, my brothers... _you killed them!!!_"

The fight began. All I could do was watch.

His symbol blazed on his forehead as he caught the spinning ball in his hand. The boy, Suboshi, tried to dodge, but it was too late. Tamahome hit him so hard that he flew through the nearby fence, shattering boards, sending splinters flying. "Only you... I'll never forgive you!"

_"It's my fault! It's my fault!!"_

_A child's tears._

"Back then," I said quietly to Miaka, fighting to control my voice, "Taiitsu-kun... she gave Tamahome this power... But... but it's too strong..." The girl in my arms was shaking. I held her a bit tighter. I would protect her.

Tamahome had the boy against a house, his hand pressed against his neck. "Here comes the fatal blow," he hissed.

His arm pulled back to deliver the promised punishment and a bolt of lightening burst from the sky. It engulfed them both in a flash of light. I cried out as it touched me, stinging my body with needles. In my arms, Miaka whimpered quietly.

A glowing figure lit up a rooftop, holding the boy in her arms. Tamahome stood up, still radiating power. "You're Seiryuu's?!" he shouted, fury visible in his eyes and posture.

"Seiryuu shichiseishi... Soi!" the figure introduced himself. "That was just a greeting. Tamahome, it looks as though you've increased your power. Just because your family was killed?"

His eyes widened, as did mine. I leapt away from Miaka and to him, grabbing his arms, trying to hold him. "Tamahome!"

A part of my consciousness registered his next words. "Control your power until we meet again." And he was gone.

He was struggling frantically in my arms. "DON'T RUN AWAY!!!!" he was screaming in rage.

"Stop it, Tamahome!!" I was nearly yelling at him, fighting to be heard over his own cries. "You'll destroy yourself!!"

"LET GO!!!"

He was striking me on the face with his elbows, trying to escape me, but I wouldn't let him go. "You... you're..." The tears were starting to fall from my eyes, the strain, emotionally and physically, taking its toll. "Sou Kishuku!!! A Suzaku seishi!! Suzaku no Miko!! You were chosen to protect Miaka as a seishi!!! A Suzaku shichisei..." I could feel him start to struggle less. The words that came to mind were just random, saying anything that would calm him down. "Tamahome..." The sob burst through my throat, my ability to control it vanishing. I just clutched his chest, the tears falling from my eyes freely now. "Now... you... Miaka... Miaka... you're making her feel as if it is her fault..." I continued to cry, the adrenaline that fear and necessity had built up fading, leaving behind only the scars.

"Miaka," he whispered. It was silent a moment, except for me. "Nuriko, I understand," he said softly, and took my arms out from around him.

I dropped to my hands and knees, unable to stop the tears or the sobs that came from my throat.

He walked into the room slowly, his eyes downcast and blank-looking, but none of this registered to me. He was home and he was safe. Relief washed over me like a warm spring rain as I saw him. "Nuriko!" I called to him, smiling.

He raised his eyes to me slowly, his face vacant, carefully held in place. "Konban wa..." His voice was as empty as his face as he looked down again.

Something was horribly wrong. I stood quickly and walked to him. His eyes were so strange... so hollow. Concern took a firm hold on my heart as I spoke. "Nuriko... what's wrong?"

"Tamahome's family... was killed." His words were flat, emotionless, so unlike usual.

My eyes widened. Those children? Tamahome's family... "Gods... how?" My voice was disbelieving.

He didn't look at me; his eyes stayed focused on the ground. "A Seiryuu seishi... Suboshi... for revenge for Amiboshi..."

I shook my head in disbelief. They had been so young, so innocent. It was not right. Another thought struck my mind suddenly. "Are you all right? And Miaka, Tamahome?" If they had been hurt in any way...   
  
He nodded slowly. "I... I'm fine... you might want to go speak to them later..." His eyes still stared at the floor, not looking up at me, as though he were seeing something that was not there.

I nodded slightly, assuring myself by his words that they were all right. He was all right. I pulled him into a tight hug. "Gomen... I should have been there..." I should have gone with them. I should have been there with them.

He was stiff, unmoving in my arms for a second as though I were not there, but then he shut his eyes and tightened his arms around me. His voice was tight, strained with the effort to hold back tears that could not quite be contained. "The little one... she had just... been smiling... and... and... " He stopped short, his voice near breaking.

Wishing I knew what to say, what to do, I simply held him tightly, closely. Still trying to fight back tears, he spoke again, his voice quivering. "I was helpless... again... just like with... with... Kourin..." He buried his face in my shoulder, his small form shaking slightly in my arms.

Carefully, gently, I stroked back his hair, whispering quietly, trying to reassure him, anything to help him. "It's all right..." He let me hold him for a moment, just leaning against me quietly before he pulled away.

"Gomen..." His voice was a ragged whisper and he turned his face slightly away from me quickly. He was hurting so much; it was plain to see in his eyes, in his face, so tightly drawn in an attempt at composure.

"Why are you sorry?" I was so confused as to why he would apologize to me.

He wiped at his eyes with a part of his sleeve, pushing back the tears that lingered there. "I just... I don't mean to be a burden... You're so busy getting ready for us to leave..." He shut his eyes quickly, tightly, as though he there were something before them that he could not bear to see. "I was so scared..."

Reaching out a hand to gently brush away the small tears that still lay glistening upon his cheeks I shook my head slowly. "You're never a burden... never." I paused for a moment, and regarded him silently, seeing the pain he was in, seeing his sadness, wanting to help... and not knowing how.

His eyes slowly opened, watching their familiar spot on the ground, and he reached out and took my hand. "I thought... if they would hurt them..." He broke off, not finishing the thought, but instead turning his tear-reddened eyes up to me, his brows lowered. "You're coming with us, aren't you?"

I nodded, tightening my hand around his slightly. "Of course..."

"Good..." He watched me for a moment, eyes, so much like the sky after a storm, studying me. "Can... can my brother come to stay at the palace while we're gone...?"

I nodded again. "Of course..." My head tilted towards the side slightly as I looked at him. "Right away if you'd like."

His voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. "Can we go see him tomorrow? Just you and me...?"

Pausing for a moment, I thought, wondering how I could persuade Akito to let me out of the palace walls for a time. I nodded to him, smiling slightly. If Nuriko wanted me to come with him, I would find a way. "Hai... I think we can do that..." I paused again, giving him another small smile. "I'd like to meet your brother..."

The smile he gave me in return was faint, small, but at least there, before he turned his head away from me. "I... I was never as close to him as to Kourin... I wish so much you could have met her..."

I looked at him a moment, studying silently, balancing a question in my mind. Perhaps it was a bad time to ask, but I felt if I did not then I never would. Cringing inwardly at my complete lack of tact, I spoke softly. "Ne... how... how did she die?"

He looks up at me, his dark violet eyes filled with a sadness that transcended space and time. His eyes lowered to the ground again. "She... was chasing after me... and she was hit... by a horse and cart... She was trampled to death." His hand tightened around mine slightly, an unconscious gesture on his part, almost as though he needed a link to the present as he spoke about the past.

I tightened my hand in return, wondering why I had asked him this now. "I'm sorry..." There was nothing else I could think to say or do. Nothing I could do to help him. Useless.

Vibrant eyes now clouded with sadness still staring at the floor, he simply nodded.

I wrapped my arms around him again, hugging him close and hating myself for being so useless, so unable to make things right. "We'll go to your brother tomorrow, together. Everything will be all right. I promise." My voice was a whisper. I would find some means to make it that way. I promised myself that.

He hugged me back. "Hotohori-sama..." he whispered softly and shut his eyes, going quiet again.

"Nuriko..." I ventured quietly, but then paused before continuing, my voice still quiet. "Ne... is it.... all right if I ask your real name?"

He pulled away, surprise flashing across his face. "H-hai..." He paused for a moment, looking as though he were deciding whether or not to tell me. "It's Ryuuen... Chou Ryuuen..." His eyes did not meet mine again, instead focusing on his hands.

Quietly, as though saying the words to some sort of spell, I repeated the name to myself. "Ryuuen..." His eyes jerked up to me suddenly, his face awed, surprised. I glanced back at him curiously, almost confused, and raised an eyebrow.

A faint shy smile flickered across his face, and when he spoke his voice as soft, almost as awed as his expression. "You said my name..." He stopped and looked away, a small frown falling across his features.

I was still confused as the frown came to his face and found myself unsure whether or not to apologize. Had I done something wrong? "I... I did.... is that all right?"

His arms were suddenly around me in a tight hug. "Yes. Yes. I'm so glad you're coming with us. I have to protect you." It caught me completely off-guard. No one had ever wanted to protect me before- usually it was the other way around. I hugged him back, once again caught without any words to say. He spoke again and his voice was stronger this time. "I'll do my best, and I promise they won't hurt you, no matter what. I love you so much. I won't let anything happen to you."

I smiled slightly at him, knowing that I would protect him too, that I would not know what to do if anything happened to him. "I love you too... so much... nothing will happen to me... or you either." My voice was quiet, whispered, and he did not reply. Instead, he just hugged me silently.

"Ne... it's getting late..." I pulled away, my hand searching for his.

Nodding slowly, he watched me, his deep violet eyes studying me in the dim light. "Hai... we're leaving after we talk to my brother?"

"More or less..." I nodded. The boat was ready as soon as we were.

Nodding slowly, he reached up to kiss me lightly, his lips barely brushing against mine. "Shall we?" His mood seemed lighter, but only a bit. Even so, I was glad

I nodded to him. "Let's go then." I led him off towards our room slowly as the sun set around us and darkness took the land.   
  
  


Part Fourteen

  
  


I had been up very early this morning.

The remains of the money that I had won at the weight lifting contest were secured in a pouch tied to my belt. What I had bought with the money rested in the same pouch. I cupped a hand over it protectively.

I knew I would be all right. Despite how hard their deaths had hit me, I had to be strong for Tamahome and Miaka. And Hotohori.

A small familiar figure was walking down the hallway toward me. She glanced up at me, almost not recognizing me for a minute, but I smiled at her. "Yumi!"

Her eyes widened and she hurriedly dropped a curtsy. "Kourin-sama!"

I gave her another little smile. "How have you been?"

The maid seemed a little surprised to see me in such specifically male clothes. "I've been fine... You're the empress now?"

I stifled a laugh. For some reason, to have the son of a tailor be the empress of a country struck me as infinitely amusing. "Yes, I am."

"And you're happy...?" she asked me quietly.

It was nice to have someone care. I nodded slowly. "I'm very happy."

She gave me a little grin. "I'm glad then! Ne, if you'll excuse me, I have my work to do." She gave me another smile as I nodded and then she disappeared around the corner.

I hopped up onto the railing. I was in front of Hotohori's room. I started to swing my legs slightly, enjoying the feeling. I was dressed in very masculine clothes today to visit my brother. My hair was tied back in a braid with which my hands were idly playing. I had suggested last night to her that we actually try to act our parts, instead of showing him the charade we gave everyone else. She had- a little unwillingly- agreed. But she was taking forever in there. I was tempted to enter when I saw Akito walking toward the room.

"Ohayo, Nuriko-sama," he said, his voice quite frigid. I hadn't seen him for the past few days with how busy I had been helping prepare to leave on the boat and with Tama-chan's family.

I blinked, but gave him a sunny smile. Despite everything, I was in a good mood. "Ohayo, Akito-san!" My fingers ran over the little pouch, touching it again.

He gave me a sideways glance, suspicion nearly written on his face. "She's getting changed, ne?"

I tilted my head slightly, a little confused. Why the odd attitude toward me? "I think so..."

He nodded abruptly. "Then I'll wait."

I was a bit worried. "Ne, Akito-san, are you upset at me?" What had I done to lose his respect?

"Upset at you? Whyever would I be upset with you?" His tone was not quite matching words.

Now I was very worried. This man could make my life completely miserable. "I... I'm sure you'll tell me..."

He turned to face me. "Well, you're right."

I vaguely wondered if I wanted to be right, then decided I did not. I awaited my sentence nervously.

"You... that night... you touched her?" His gaze at me was dark.

I blinked again and gave him an odd look. What was he getting at?

He just stared back at me, meeting my gaze squarely. "Well, you did, ne?"

"Uhh... yes." I'm sure I looked a little thrown off. "I did." And I had. And I was glad for that.

He nodded, not looking overly pleased.

I started to get defensive. I had done nothing wrong. "You locked me in there!!"

He simply nodded again. "Well, yes, I did."

I crossed my arms. "You wanted us to."

"Yes, I did..." His gaze turned into a frown. "But I didn't want you to touch her!"

I was flustered. "How could I not?"

He opened his mouth and then quickly shut it, just shaking his head at me.

I sighed and lowered my eyes. "I'm sorry... but we're married, after all."

"I know. Believe me, I know." His expression softened. "It's just... she's... well, she may as well be my daughter. She's my baby; I watched her grow up and I don't..." He stopped, trailing off.

I looked up, giving him a gentle smile. "Akito-san..." He loved her so much and wanted to protect her. And if I hurt her, he would kill me himself. But I understood that.

He glanced over at me silently, not smiling, his eyes a bit sad and reminiscent looking.

"I'm not going to take her away from you... I promise," I said quietly. "But I do love her."

He gave me a slight smile. "Hai... I know you do. She's lucky to have you. But you're luckier to have her. Remember that."

"I know," I said quietly. And I was. I was the luckiest man alive. There was no way I could ever be worthy of her. All I could do was love her.

He gave me another smile. "Arigatou, Nuriko-sama." He inclined his head slightly and turned to the door, raising his voice so that he could be heard through it. "Sai-chan!! I'm coming in... scream if it's not all right." Without waiting for an answer, he opened the door, stepped inside, and shut it behind him.

I remained where I was, a bit puzzled at everything. I suppose I was easily seen from my perch, because there was suddenly a bandit at my elbow. He looked a bit sleepy. "Na... Nuriko, hi!"

I gave him a little grin. "Ohayo, Tasuki! Sleep well?"

He yawned widely, revealing his little fangs. I had always thought those were rather cute. "No..."

My grin widened slightly. "I didn't have much trouble."

He scrunched up his face in what might have loosely been called a grin. "No? You've been sleeping with the emperor, na?" If Tasuki was one thing, that was blunt.

I blinked. "Well..." I lowered my eyes. What did it matter if anyone knew? I loved her. "Yes."

His voice was curious, intrigued, and once more his question was blunt. "So you two have done it?"

I turned very red and just nodded, wishing that I wasn't there. Perhaps I didn't want people knowing about my night life. That was when I suddenly remembered that Tasuki didn't know she was a girl. I had to remember to keep her secret. A slip would not help her trust in me.

He just looked at me a moment. "Shit, the emperor really is a fag..." His face was slightly bewildered.

My eyes widened, anger bubbling to the surface of my emotions. "Don't say that!!!" It was one thing to tease me, but it was different to insult her.

He gave me a frown. "Hey... don't get so uptight... I won't go blabbing to the fucking public. I mean, shit, Nuriko, I may not be bright, but I'm not a total fucking moron."

I looked away, stung. "I love... him... and he loves me. It's not wrong." I had to remember they thought she was a man.

He blinked at me, shrugging. "Never said it was. Hell, if the two of you are happy, then why would it make a fucking difference? To each their own, ne?" He bit his lip, going silent.

I looked back to him, a little suspicious, silent. To each their own? Was he hiding something?

"Na... why're you lookin' at me like that? It's fucking creepy..." He shifted his weight, looking uncomfortable.

"Why does it bother you if... he and I are like that?" I was having trouble remembering to say "he." She was very feminine beneath her robes.

"Shit, it's none of my fucking business, Nuriko, just I dunno... Guess I didn't expect it mostly." He shrugged at me.

I lowered my eyes. "I didn't either..." To have her love me had been the biggest surprise, and not one about which I would complain.

He was confused. "You didn't?"

"For him to love me? No." I raised my eyes to him slowly, studying him. Dark, fire-colored eyes met mine. "I always wanted it... after all, I loved him for so long... but I was never any different from any other girl in the harem." I sighed quietly and decreased the volume of my voice, relating my fears of when I had been a harem member. "Except that I'm a man, which would make anything impossible."

He frowned. "But it happened... Does he love you, Nuriko?" He was actually serious for a second.

I nodded slowly, my eyes still on his. "Yes."

"Well, that's good then. I mean... shit... what're you making me talk about here?" He glared at me suddenly.

Confused at the sudden change in mood, I gave him an odd look. "What do you mean?"

"Fuck... I'm getting all sentimental and talking about some damned emotions. It's fucking unnatural." He gave me something that almost could be a pout.

I smiled at him and slid off the railing, leaning against it. "It's all right. Emotions aren't there just to be ignored, you know."

His hands were in his pockets and he looked a little annoyed at himself. Were his feelings so awful for him? "Well, whatever. I'm a bandit- I don't do emotions. I'm glad he loves you though. Shit, there are rumors that he married you so he wouldn't have to marry some other fucking girl when he couldn't have Miaka..."

Startled, I jerked my eyes to his face, staring at him, wide-eyed and silent.

"What?" he asked irritably.

I looked away, trying to control the surge of emotions which were playing on my worst fear. "Iie... nothing..." What if it were true? She really loved me, didn't she? Didn't she?

"Aw, shit," Tasuki growled. "Now I've gone and made you upset. Fucking wonderful. Stupid emotion shit."

I forced a little smile, trying to remember her words to me, the way she smiled at me, her promises of love and safety and faithfulness. "Hontou ni, I'm fine." I couldn't dwell on that right now. It would be too much right after Tamahome's family's death to find out I was a substitute. I changed the subject. "Are you ready to leave for Hokkan?"

The door opened and Akito walked out, speaking before he had seen who was with me. "Nuriko-sama... sh-" And then he saw Tasuki. "Shouldn't be much longer," he finished smoothly. "Heika-sama is just finishing up." He glanced at the bandit. "Tasuki-san... if you'd come with me please... I need to talk to you."

"I'm talking to Nuriko..." he protested, but Akito took his arm.

"Please," he said with a force I recognized too well.

I gave Akito a faint smile, Tasuki's words echoing in my ears. "Thank you... Tasuki, I'll talk to you later..."

Tasuki was cringing away from the emperor's chief advisor. "Shit, that hurts, leggo, I'm coming, I'm coming..."

I glanced once at them and then moved forward, knocking quietly on her door.   
  


Blue. The dress was blue, a dark blue, lying just a shade or so shy of navy, with a neckline that plunged a bit lower than I was happy about, but then I had not had much say in the matter. Akito had chosen the clothes, as well as the shoes. I glanced appraisingly at them. They were small, soft, and slipper-like, and were actually comfortable. I looked at the dress skeptically again and set it across a chair for a moment. It was too strange. Shaking my head, I glanced at the discarded strip of cloth that I usually used to bind my chest to make it appear flat. Well... I would not need that today. Shrugging back my hair, I picked up the dress and slipped it on, smoothing out the new, cool fabric slightly. The neck line was indeed as low as I had thought it would be- nothing too revealing, but still it felt so different. Perhaps because I had never worn a dress before. Glancing at myself in the mirror, I spun around slightly, attempting to see the back, but mostly sending the skirt of the long dress flaring around me.

A small pendant lay in the crushed red velvet of an old jewelry box on my dresser. It had been my mother's, a small jade teardrop on a delicate chain. I lifted it carefully in my fingers and fastened it around my neck. Mother had given it to me just before she died. It had been special to her and she wanted me to have it. I had never worn it before, but then, I had never really had the occasion.

"Sai-chan!! I'm coming in... scream if it's not all right," a voice called and the door flew open and shut in one single motion. I simply blinked. Akito stood in front of the closed door, smiling at me. "Lovely, Sai-chan. Turn around."

"Akito..." I glanced at him. His voice was strange, neither the sarcastic tone he usually put forth nor the paternal tone he slipped into around me.

He shook his head. "Turn around," he said. This time I complied, knowing better than to argue with the old man when he was being stubborn. He half-smiled again. "Perfect, it fits wonderfully. I thought it would." Something must have caught his eye because he stepped towards me, a strange light flashing across his face. He reached out a hand and his strong fingers, untouched by the age that had claimed the color of his hair, brushed the pendant that hung at my neckline. "This was your mother's."

I nodded. "Hai... it was. She gave it to me... just before she died." My voice went quiet as I remembered my mother's death. It had hit me hard, seeing death take someone I was close to, someone I trusted. If Akito had not been there... I shook my head slightly, clearing it of the troublesome memories. Nuriko would be waiting outside. I should not be taking so long.

"I..." His smile was reminiscent. "I gave that to her... I never knew she kept it." His eyes came back to the present. "Sai-chan... you and Nuriko-san... you're happy, ne?"

The question caught me off-guard. "Hai..."

He nodded. "I'm glad... yes... good. Well, be careful today in town... I won't be there to watch out for you... and the city can be a dangerous place for a woman..." His normal smirk returned. He found all this very amusing, I'm sure. It was the sort of thing he would enjoy.

I smiled at him slightly. "Hai, don't worry. I will be with Nuriko, after all."

His hand on the doorknob he nodded, his smirky smile almost sad for a moment. "I'll make sure the way is clear for the both of you to escape." With that, he was outside and I was left to stare at the door.   
  


I stood outside the door silently, waiting for permission to enter. This was my room too now, but it felt strange not to knock.

Her voice was wary. "Who is it?"

I kept my voice quiet. "It's me, Hotohori-sama..."

"Nuriko? Come in," she called through the door.

I pushed open the door and shut it behind me, not looking up at her. I left my eyes on the floor.

She regarded me for a moment, her arms folded across her chest. "Is something wrong...?"

I still did not raise my eyes to her. "Hotohori-sama... I need to talk to you..."

Her voice sounded like a mixture of confusion and worry. "Hai... of course... you're using the 'sama' again..." She paused. "What's wrong?" She sat on the bed and gestured for me to come sit beside her.

I stayed where I was. "Ne... how do you feel about Miaka now?"

She still sounded confused. "Miaka is a wonderful person, and our miko..." Her voice suddenly went quiet. "Nuriko... why are you asking me this?"

I was silent a moment, putting my arms around myself in a sort of self-hug. I felt horrible and guilty for doing this to her, but I had to know. "Gomen nasai... It's not that I don't trust you... but Tasuki... he said..." I stopped. How could I do this to her? She was a fellow seishi, my emperor- my wife. How could I doubt her? "Gomen nasai..."

She stood, shaking her head a bit, and walked over to me. "Don't apologize... please don't." She stopped a few feet in front of me. "What did Tasuki say?"

I had not, at this point, looked at her yet. All I could see of her were her feet, in feminine slippers. "Just..." I took a deep, slow breath, hoping that it might calm me down. I was surprised at how deeply Tasuki's words had cut. But I had been frightened of that before. It was like reliving before she had told me she loved me. "That... you married me because you couldn't... have her..." My words nearly tumbled out of my mouth in an effort to get it all said. "But I know it's silly to doubt you and I'm very sorry and I believe you, it's just that before I knew how you felt, this is what I was so scared about and I'm so sorry." I broke off suddenly when I finally figured out that I had been babbling.

She smiled at me, and her voice sounded sad. "Oh, Nuriko... that was never a reason... I love you... not because I couldn't have Miaka, but because I fell in love with _you_. I thought you knew..." She reached out a slender hand and touched my cheek gently. "Don't be sorry."

I reached up silently, taking her hand in mine, keeping it against my cheek. I leaned my face lightly against our clasped hands, wondering if I had the control to speak.

I could feel her eyes on me a moment. "Gomen, Nuriko... I never knew you were afraid of that... I'm sorry."

I shook my head slightly, and finally looked up at her. "No..." I gave her a faint smile as I saw that she was in a dress. It was dark blue, making her look paler than she was, trimmed with light blue. It was rather daringly cut and I was sure that she hadn't picked it out. Akito, perhaps? "But you look so beautiful today... I knew you would."

She turned slightly red. "Thank you." She shifted her feet uneasily for a moment.

I suddenly pulled her into a tight hug, angry at myself for doubting her even for a second. "Gomen... gomen..." I then blinked and pulled away, sensing something very different about her.

She looked back at me, confused at why I had moved away from her.

I was studying her, puzzled. "Are you shorter today or am I taller?"

She laughed, gently, happily. I smiled to myself, wondering if she knew how beautiful and kind and sweet she was. How could I have doubted her for even a second? "I'm shorter..." She tilted her head towards the doorway and I followed her gaze. A pair of large-soled heels rested there. "I'm my normal height, for once."

"Oh..." I looked back at her, sizing up the new difference in our heights, which had decreased significantly. "I think I like this better..."

"Hai," she replied, smiling at me in amusement. "Akito felt it might be a good idea to try and tone down my height a bit..." She bit her lip. "And tone up yours..." Her light steps led her to the closet where she pulled out a pair of very masculine boots. "He got you these..."

I followed her over, examining them. They were actually very close to what I would have picked out myself if I had to do so. "Well, at least his taste isn't too bad..." I was suddenly suspicious. "Are they going to pinch?"

She laughed again. "I don't think so..."

"Hmm..." I accepted the boots from her and went over to the bed, sitting down and pulling off my regular shoes. I pulled the boots on. They were indeed custom made for me. The heels were disguised very well, blending in with the rest of the soft leather that made up the top and sides of the boots. I stood, suddenly a good two or three inches taller than I had been, and gave her a confused look.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "You seem puzzled."

I was looking at myself beside her, nearly the same height as she was. "I'm tall..."

She granted me another of her musical laughs. "Hai."

I clomped over closer to her. The shoes were comfortable, but heavy on the wooden floor. "This is very strange... and loud." I made a face. No more being her palace spy for me in these.

She smiled. "You don't have to wear them if you don't want to."

I stood up a little straighter, trying to see if I could manage to be taller than her, only vaguely hearing her words. "No, it's all right."

She hid a smile, watching me. "All right... are we ready to go then?"

I was busy craning my head. "Che, I'm still too short..."

She let her smile escape. "I'll slouch."

I pouted. I wanted to be taller than her. It was a slight to my manhood that I was not. It was all right when I was cross-dressing- even necessary then. But I wanted to look the part of her husband. I wanted to be worthy. "Fine..." I suddenly turned serious. "Ne... you're not upset, are you? At me?"

She blinked. "Why would I be upset at you?"

"Well... earlier..." I shifted uncomfortably.

She looked at me and slowly shook her head. "Of course not... if I'm upset with anyone, it's with myself, for not making you more certain." She smiled at me slightly, but it was a smile tinged by sadness.

I reached out and took her hand, lifting it to my lips. "If you love me... that's all that matters." I looked back up to her. "Ne?"

She nodded, smiling truly this time. "Hai... it's all that matters. I love you."

I nodded back, still holding her hand, but I stepped back a bit to admire her. "Hmm..." Did she have any idea what she did to me? She was so lovely...

"Hmm?" she inquired back at me.

"It's quite unfair," I said, sighing. "You look better in a dress than I do..."

She laughed slightly, shifting her feet again. Was she shy about looking like a girl? But I suppose that I had been the same way when Miaka first had me wearing men's clothes. "It feels so different..."

"So beautiful," I said softly. A flash of green caught my eyes and I stepped forward to look. "Ne... what's this?" I touched something by her neckline a bit curiously. "It's very pretty."

She reached up a hand as well to touch the small jade pendant that adorned her neck, brushing her fingers over it briefly. "Arigatou... my mother gave it to me... it was hers..." It was in the shape of a teardrop, simply cut and perfectly shaped.

I blinked and then glanced at my bracelets from Taiitsu-kun. "We match." I held a hand up for her to see the jewel in the bracelets.

She nodded, smiling at me. "We do..."

My eyes suddenly lit up, an idea forming in my mind. "I can do your make-up!! And your hair!!" I sat her hurriedly on the bed before she could protest. "Wait here!" I burst out the door before she could say anything to me.

I flew to my room and dug through my things, searching for supplies. I grabbed my makeup and several combs and clips to hold her hair. Pulling them into my arms, I ran back to where she was waiting.

I reentered the room, my bundle in my arms, and set it down on the bed beside her. I knelt in front of her, studying her. "Hmm... you're a bit darker than me, but I can make do..." I studied her a moment longer and then pulled something out of my pile.

She was watching me with wide eyes. I smiled as I realized that I had worn makeup more often than she had. "Close your eyes," I said gently.

"If you say so..." she said doubtfully, but did as I asked.

I picked a color that would suit both her complexion and the dress and started applying it lightly to her eyelids. I was completely sure of myself in this area. "There... open them."

She obeyed again, watching me warily.

I gave her a little grin. "Now open your mouth like this." I demonstrated for her, grabbing something else out of the pile at the same time.

She attempted to mimic my face, but was having trouble stifling a laugh.

I gave her a dirty look. "If you don't hold still, I'll draw on your forehead," I threatened.

She nodded quickly in agreement. She knew I would do exactly what I had promised.

My grin renewed and I finished her makeup after a few minutes without further mishap. I climbed onto the bed, kneeling behind her, and brushed out her long hair. I pulled it back into a style that I favored, half-loose and half-tied back, held in place with a few ribbons. I took the hand mirror from my pile and climbed around her off the bed. I held it up for her. "Well?"

She blinked in surprise, looking at herself. "Amazing... I look like a girl."

I set down the mirror, smiling slightly. "The most beautiful in the world..." I hadn't done much at all to her. Just a little makeup to highlight her best points. I stood, still looking at her. "We should go then..."

She stood as well, smiling at me. "Hai... ne, Nuriko... arigatou."

I laughed quietly and took her hand. "Aniki will be so pleased to meet you."

We managed to sneak out of the palace, Akito directing traffic away from us. I doubted that anyone would recognize her- she looked very different in female attire- but I had been seen around the palace wearing male clothing. If they saw me with someone, they might look closer. It was, however, ludicrous to ever think of the emperor cross-dressing...

The road to my old house was so familiar. I remembered playing along here with Kourin and Rokou, threatening bullies that tried to bother them, throwing cows at the ones that persisted.

I reached up a hand and knocked on the door to my old house, my other hand tightly clutching Hotohori's. "Aniki?" I called out. I could tell she was just as nervous as I was. But I was sure he would like her. He had been so happy that I had been getting married- to a woman- that I doubted he would care that she cross-dressed as well.

"Just a minute!" called his voice from inside. "Ryuuen-chan, is that you?"

I winced. "Hai..." Well, there went all my pretense of masculinity.

"Just open the door then!" he called again, his voice growing a bit more distant.

I glanced up to Hotohori to see how she was doing and she gave me a slight smile back, staying quiet.

I pushed open the door, my hand tightening slightly around hers, stepping in and pulling her after me. "Ne, aniki, we need to talk to you..."

My brother came out from another room- what had been Kourin's room- holding a pile of cloth. "Ryuuen!" He grinned at me and then blinked. "And... heika-sama?" He bowed hurriedly, then looked up at her a little curiously.

She was glancing around at the house. It was rather dusky in here, but Rokou had never been much of a housekeeper and he was living alone now. "Hai," she said softly. "And please... call me Hotohori. It's a pleasure to meet you."

I turned surprised eyes over to her and only a little up. Her voice had been... feminine. Very feminine. She had spoken much higher pitched than normal, and it was the first time I had heard that.

Rokou smiled at her. "I'm very pleased to meet you, Hotohori-sama. I'm glad you two are happy. If you'll just excuse me a minute...? I need to set these down."

I shut the door behind us and felt her glance over to me. She gave me a quick grin and then nodded to my brother. For his part, Rokou disappeared behind a curtain.

I was still looking at her, puzzled. "Hotohori-sa... er, Hotohori... your voice..."

She smiled at me and spoke, her voice still sounding girlish. "Hai... you didn't think my real voice was that deep, did you? It's strange though... I haven't spoken like this in years... it's almost unnatural. I'm sure I sound strange..."

And she did sound strange, but her voice was beautiful. I smiled back, a little amazed. "No... wonderful..."

"Sorry about that," interrupted Rokou as he returned. He glanced at me. "What's the occasion for this delightful visit?"

I glanced up at her, wondering if she wanted to explain or if I should. She shook her head slightly and waited for me. I turned my eyes to my brother. "We're going away for a while. Our seishi duties and all..." I took a deep breath, the vision of blood still too close to my mind. "One of the other seishi's families was killed two days ago. So... if you want, you can come stay at the palace. It would be safer for you there."

He gave me a slight smile. "Always protecting me, hm, Ryuuen?"

I gave him a little smile back, silent. I always had and always would.

He nodded at us. "I would be honored. When should I leave here?"

I looked up to her, wondering the same thing. She smiled generously at him. "Whenever you're ready... A place has already been prepared at the palace for you."

He nodded again. "Thank you very much." He gave me a dark smile. "She's certainly pretty, Ryuuen."

I grinned. "I know."

She looked at the two of us, a little perturbed, but shrugged. Did she mind us talking about her like that? "Perhaps you could accompany us back to the palace... if you'll be ready to leave soon... we can wait, can't we, Nuriko?"

I gave her a half-smile, half-smirk. She had no idea what we were talking about. I decided to lay it on thickly for my brother. "Up to you, my love."

Rokou was chuckling quietly. I was glad he still remembered our vow.

She knew she was missing something, glancing back and forth between us.

"I might be a while," he said, hiding a grin.

I smiled slightly at her. "Would you like to stay then?"

She blinked. "I would... but we do have to get to the boat. They shouldn't have to wait for us. Some other time?" She gave him an apologetic smile.

We simply smirked at each other.

I gave my brother a quick hug and turned to the door. "Ja, aniki!" I called out behind me.

"Ja!" he shouted back, laughter in his voice.

I shut the door behind us and glanced up at her, smiling. "He likes you."

She was looking at me a little warily. "I'm glad."

I chuckled. I would tell her later. "I am too." A mischievous thought crossed my mind and I suddenly took off in a burst of speed. "I'll win getting back to the palace!" I shouted behind me.

"Not in those shoes, you won't!" she yelled back and started running after to me.

I just laughed.   
  
  


Part Fifteen

  


Traveling. That's what had caused it, the traveling, or perhaps the strange and irregular diet that presented itself on board. But I was sure, completely sure, that it was something sane and logical like that because the other option was something I was not willing to entertain. We had been on the water for two full weeks now, the seven Suzaku seishi and our miko. It had been a fairly uneventful voyage; the boat sailed smoothly over the water and we took it upon ourselves to enjoy the cruise. And it had been enjoyable, everything had been wonderful... until now.

But even now, it had to be some sort of stress, maybe because of the upcoming challenge we would be facing. That, coupled with the traveling and the strange eating habits I had been forced into, would explain everything. That would explain why I was late. Gods, late. Almost a week now. It bothered me at first, but a few days do not make much of a difference one way or another, but a week... I refused to acknowledge it, but the nagging fear kept eating away at the back of my mind. It could not be true. There was absolutely no way I could be pregnant. Well... there was a way... and it was not impossible... but no. No. I was not. It was just the stress of traveling.

The others sat around me as we gathered at the table. Miaka and Tamahome sat at the end furthest from me. Mitsukake sat to my left, quiet and impassive, but I could feel his silent eyes on me, studying, and it made me uncomfortable. Chichiri chattered on to Tasuki, trying to tell the bandit the better points of water. Tasuki simply glared at him, his mouth fixed in a childish pout. Nose in a book, Chiriko leaned against the back of his chair, his short legs not reaching the ground. Nuriko sat beside me, watching the others, inserting comments happily.

Turning my eyes to Mitsukake, I caught his eyes and simply said, "Traveling. That's what it is. Right?" The poor man just blinked at me, caught off-guard and confused beyond measure. Not wanting to explain, nor really being able to in the company I now held, I simply smiled a bit sheepishly, letting my mind wander to the subject I was so avoiding.

Pregnant. That just could not be it. Not now. Not with everything that was already happening. I could not do it. I couldn't... I... wouldn't allow myself to believe it. There had to be another reason. There had to be. But there was not. Nothing else I could think that would... No.

The next time we landed, I would be sure to check... there must be a healer somewhere. I could sneak off... in disguise if that would be necessary... and make sure... make sure...

But I already knew. Oh, gods. I knew. But it could not be. It was impossible.

Impossible. I almost felt like crying, but managed to keep any trace of tears from my eyes. Tears would not help, had never helped. The others were glancing at me strangely, probably disturbed by my silence. But I did not quite feel like talking.

A cool wind blew in through the open door and the ship rocked with a soft swaying motion that threatened to lull the senses. Outside the sun shone brightly, glittering on the clear gentle water. It was a beautiful day, completely perfect in nearly every way. But I barely noticed or cared... if it were actually true... I did not know what I would do.

It was later the same day, aboard the deck of the boat, beneath the sunshine, that we caught sight of land. A place to stop, rest a bit and find some supplies. Good... we would pull ashore here. Wonderful. The plans went on around me and past me for the most part. I simply stood, leaning against the wooden rail of the boat, lost in my own thoughts until we heard the boat's bottom scrape the floor of the ocean and Chiriko's urgent voice.

"This place... is bad news!" His child's face was earnest in its need and he glanced to each of us in turn, eyes wide. "Everyone!! Please, to protect yourselves, hurry and dress up as women!!"

I blinked at him, as did the others, and collective sounds of confusion came from the group.

Chiriko quickly explained something about Nyosei country, an island where it was life-threateningly dangerous for a man... Where...

That was when his symbol disappeared. Without the mark of a Suzaku seishi, he could not remember what he had been going to say. Devoid of any other alternative, we decided to do as he had said and dress like women. Better safe than sorry...

I watched as Nuriko dragged the others, save Miaka, Chichiri, and myself into our room. Dressing like a woman. Wonderful. In front of the others. Shaking my head, my hair being flipped about by the breeze, I stood outside the door, arms hugged close across my chest. Everything at once... And I was still late. It was impossible. I could not be pregnant... It was... impossible. Impossible.

"I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO WEAR THE SKIRT!!" Tasuki yelled, storming away to the other side of the room. He angrily threw the dress I had lent him down at my feet from where he was.

I sighed quietly. As the only one who had brought female clothing aboard, it was my job to make sure that everyone had something that made them look like women- and for some of them, it was hard.

I, for my part, had no trouble, as usual, looking like a girl. Miaka was fine. Chichiri had told me that he would use his magic. I gave him a suspicious glance, but agreed to let him do that. Tamahome had consented very unwillingly. He was staring in dismay at what I had given him. Tasuki, as of yet, staunchly refused to even try it on. Chiriko was a little upset, but his character was gone. He had just agreed, trusting that we weren't just trying to make a fool out of him. I had had a little trouble finding something for Mitsukake, but eventually came up with a skirt and passed off one of his own shirts as feminine enough. I had also added a shawl to his ensemble. He was off elsewhere, trying to fix the outfit as best as he could.

And Tasuki...

I kept my voice calm. "Tasuki, you heard what Chiriko said." I reached down and picked up the dress and tossed it back to him. He glared but did not throw it again.

We were in Hotohori's and my room on the ship, as that had been the location of the greatest amount of female apparel. The two beds in the room had been pushed together- not that one was used in any case- to make room for all the men we had in here. Tamahome sat on one of the beds, the pink dress still draped in his arms. Giving up Tasuki as a lost cause for now, I walked over to Tamahome.

"How mortifying..." His shoulders were slumped. "Are you sure I have to do this?" He looked up at me, a pitiful sight.

I nudged him lightly. "Ne, do it for Miaka. If what Chiriko said is true, then we have to stay safe, right? You can't protect her unless you're safe first."

I tried to hide a smile as he nodded dismally. Didn't he realize that I dressed like this all the time? Was it different for me than for him? I pulled him to his feet and he reluctantly started getting changed.

As he was busy, I shoved Chiriko out the door. "Go tell Miaka we're almost ready," I commanded him.

Happy to be useful, he scampered off. He was wearing something of Miaka's because she was closer to his height than I was. I always felt good standing next to him. Very tall, unlike with Hotohori.

By the time I had turned around, Tama was changed and Tasuki was laughing his head off. I strode across the room, grabbed Tasuki, and started pulling his clothes off.

My seishi power was strength. His was speed. However, when someone has one by one's neck, speed is rather useless. Between Tamahome and I, we stripped him and forced the dress on him, despite his struggling. The names he called us do not bear repeating, but we managed.

I did up their hair, enjoying every minute of humiliating them. I wondered for a second if that made me cruel, but the situation was so absurd and so funny that the thought did not remain long.

Tamahome submitted to my ministrations somewhat willingly, though Tasuki squirmed and fought and strove his hardest to make life difficult for me. Eventually, I just got Tamahome to hold him down.

Finished. I moved away from Tasuki, smirking my triumph. "Ah, kawaii, Tasuki-chan!" I exclaimed, putting a hand to my cheek. "It's you!"

"Kawaisou!" he spat at me and made a vulgar gesture, storming out of the room.

Tamahome chuckled and then paled as he realized he would have to wear this in front of Miaka.

Fixing a stray hair that had come loose in the tussle with Tasuki, I turned back to the door. "Well, Tama-chan," I said sweetly, "you're on."

He nodded, stricken, and stepped out the door.

Alone in the room, I stepped to my trunk where I was keeping my clothes. Unfortunately, I would not be able to bring all my clothes with me once we reached Hokkan- they would have to go back with the ship. I pulled a long green dress out of it and lay it on the beds. She would find it there. I had taken some of the dresses Akito had had made for her and packed them with my things- they would not be out of place there. I had brought them along on case there was a special occasion. I laughed quietly to myself. One never knows what might happen...

I examined myself in the mirror one last time then stepped to the door. I opened it, and to my surprise, the sweetest face on earth was in front of mine. I smiled up at her. "Hotohori... I left something for you on the bed."

She looked very upset and worried. "You... your clothes won't fit me..."

I stretched up and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Go see, Sai'ai." I gave her a little smile. "And don't worry. All of us men have to do this."

She gave me a shaky smile and a nod. "Hai... of course." She then stepped by me into the room. I shut the door behind her tightly and leaned on it slightly, waiting for her.

There was something wrong. She was upset more than was necessary for this. More than a bit pensive, I waited in silence.

I stepped into the room, gazing around it silently. The women of Nyosei Island had provided us with a banquet and lodgings and had been perfectly congenial after they had taken Mitsukake away from us, having seen through his disguise. Obviously Chiriko had been right. Mitsukake had been taken because he was a man, but we did not know where he was or what danger he was in. Chichiri had popped off shortly after the banquet to look for him. Nuriko and I had been directed to the room we would be sharing with the mysterious monk.

Nuriko's quiet steps followed me into the room. "Mm... at least they have good taste," he said, glancing around at the furnishings.

Only vaguely hearing, I nodded in agreement. "Hai..." My mind was still elsewhere. Oh gods, pregnant. It just could not be true. I had not said anything to anyone yet... It just was not right. Not now. Everything was so uncertain. We had to find the shinzahou, call Suzaku. I had to protect our miko. If I were truly pregnant I was not sure I could do that. And I was only eighteen. Eighteen. I felt so much older sometimes, especially when I looked back on my childhood that seemed so far away. I could not do it. I could not have a baby. Not now. Not yet.

A hand touched my arm, softly, gently, and a familiar musical voice spoke up. "Hotohori...?"

I nearly jumped, stiffening slightly beneath his touch. Turning around to look at him, I wondered what he would say. I would have to tell him. Soon... "Hai?" I asked, my voice sounding strange to my own ears.

He was quiet for a minute, his deep violet eyes worried as they watched me, studying me. "What's wrong?" A small frown settled on his face. "Is it just dressing like this...?"

If he only knew. I would have to tell him. But not now. Not now. I couldn't... because I still could not accept it as true. I shook my head. "Iie." I laughed slightly and it sounded only a little forced. "It isn't the clothes... it's nothing... really... I'm fine," I lied.

The frown on his face deepened, his eyes clouding with thoughts. "Hotohori..." His voice was anxious, worried, but he seemed content to leave it at that. He spoke again, his voice softer. "Saihitei." Lowering his hand from my arm, he found my hand and took it in his, his eyes not leaving mine. I tightened my hand around his, so glad suddenly for the contact. It seemed as though, for a moment, everything stopped slipping away. I managed a small smile at him, but this one was not forced. He smiled back, albeit a bit warily.

I glanced away. "Ne... sorry if I've been quiet lately... just... there's a lot to think about..."

He nodded slowly as he listened, moving a bit closer to me. "I want to help."

I gave him another smile, grateful for the reassurance, knowing he was there. "Arigatou..." I went silent for a moment, knowing I had to tell him, but not willing to speak it aloud. If I said it... it would be true, and I still was not ready to believe it. I was scared.

Concern spread across his features slowly, only barely visible upon his face. "Ne, Hotohori, are you all right?" He moved so that he stood directly in front of me and remained there, looking up at me. His eyes searched for mine, but I could not meet them.

Instead, I focused my eyes on the smooth wooden floor and the deep crimson carpet that covered only a small portion of the room's floor space. Still unable to bring myself to answer his question, I asked one of my own. "Ne... when we were at your brother's... a few weeks back... why were you smirking?" I was grasping at straws, trying to steer the conversation away from the inevitable. Sighing inwardly, I went to sit on the bed, folding my legs beneath me.

I could feel his eyes on me for a minute, following me, before a slow smile broke over his face. He followed me to the bed and sat cross-legged on it, beside me. "Well..." he began and started laughing to himself.

Raising an eyebrow, I gave him a look. "Are you going to explain?"

Choking back his laughter, he attempted to hide a smile, and more or less totally failed. "Well... when aniki and I were younger... I was about eight I think... we got into a huge fight..." The look he sent my way was sly and half on its way to a smirk that he was trying to hold back.

"About what?" I was curious now.

His mischievous smile nearly exploded across his face. "Who would marry the prettier girl." His voice held the laughter he was trying to keep from surfacing. "I'm sure for a while there he thought he would win..." The mischief faded from his smile and his eyes returned from their deep lavender memories. Slowly, he reached out and touched my hand lightly. "He can never beat me though..."

I smiled back slightly, nearly blushing, but not. And I watched him for a moment. I had to tell him. My smile faded slightly and the fear that had made itself at home within my chest resurfaced. I felt cold, and a silent shiver ran down my spine. It was still too soon for all this to happen.

He must have seen the change, for he suddenly sobered, his voice quiet. "That's not what is bothering you..."

"Iie... it's not..." My eyes strayed from his face.

"Can you tell me?" His voice was still quiet, gentle.

I paused a moment. Could I? Could I tell him now? Could I admit it to myself? But there truly was no choice; what was true was true. No amount of wishing or delaying would change that. I knew this to be true. I had seen it proved so many times before. I nodded to him slightly. I... I could tell him.

Slowly, he reached out and took my hand again, watching me with silent worried eyes.

My eyes were wide as I looked at him, trying to form the words in my mind despite my refusal to believe them.

His hand tightened around mine slightly, and his face was nervous, nearly mirroring my own.

"I..." I bit my lip slightly, took a breath and just said it all at once. "I... don't know for sure yet... but... I think... I think... oh, gods... I think I might be pregnant..." My voice was tight, controlled, because I was afraid that if I didn't control it, the fear might escape through it.

His eyes positively lit up and a look of happy amazement crossed his face slowly, spreading the rays of the sun. His voice was awed. "Hotohori..." He hugged me suddenly, tightly. "Oh, how wonderful..."

I did not hug him back; I could not. I was too busy trying to fight back the tears that were threatening my eyes as I finally came face to face with the truth I did not want to admit. And I did not understand his reaction. He was happy?

He pulled away, seeming to have notice my stiffness. His face was a bit surprised as he looked at me for a moment. "Hotohori...?" Worry crept into his voice, overshadowing the joy that had been there a moment ago.

Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes, but I did not notice them. "It wasn't supposed to happen now..." Didn't he understand? I could not have a baby now.

He put a hand to my cheek, warm, reassuring, barely resting on my skin. "Oh, Hotohori, it will be all right... I promise..." His voice was worried, but excitement marked his face vividly. "Please don't worry... I'm here..."

"I... I know..." I was trying to contain myself. He must think me so ungrateful. I had known as well as he that we were trying to have a child. And I wanted to make a family with him, but it was not supposed to happen this quickly. We were not ready. Everything was still in turmoil, still happening. The world flew past me too quickly for me to keep up with it. Even my own life was not guaranteed, never mind the life of an innocent unborn child. It was too soon. "I... I love you... I want to have a family... but... I don't know how... what if we can't find the shinzahou... what if someone finds out my secret?" How could I keep my secret safe if I were pregnant? Surely someone would find out I was a woman. I spoke again, quietly, almost ashamed of my next words. "I'm scared..."

He pulled me into a tight hug, his fingers gently twisting into my hair and stroking my back lightly, as though I were a child who had just awoken from a nightmare. "Sshh... I'll protect you... and even if they do, they won't tell. You know they won't. Everything will be all right. I promise. I promise. And I'll be here."

I leaned against him, clinging to the safety that he provided, and nodded slightly. The tears I had been holding back for what seemed to be such a long time began falling silently from my eyes onto his shoulder.

I could not see his face, but his voice gave away the smile that I knew rested on his face. "What if it's a boy? What will we name him? Akito? Or a girl... hmm..." His arms tightened around me slightly. "Oh, Hotohori..."

I hugged him back this time. "Nuriko... we... we're not sure yet... I... don't see what else it could be... but..." It could not be anything else though. My fingers tightened unconsciously around the fabric of his clothing.

His voice was nearly dancing; it left his lips with a soft musical sound that spoke of happiness. "You'll make such a wonderful..." He paused for a moment as though pondering, and then pulled away, perhaps to ask me a question. His dark eyes widened as he caught sight of the tears that had slipped from my eyes. "Hotohori..." Reaching up a hand, he gently brushed the tears away from my cheeks. His touch was soft, light, and his voice was soothing, so full of concern. "It'll be all right..."

I nodded as my tears slowly subsided under his touch. "Hai... it will..." My words were an attempt to assure myself as much as they were to agree with him. It would be all right. It would have to be. Because he had said so. And he would be there.

He moved his other hand to my cheek as well, holding my face gently between his hands. He met my eyes, his own still sparkling with happiness and hope. "I promise." He leaned forward slowly and kissed my forehead lightly. "I'll keep you safe." A shy smile flickered across his lips. "Both of you."

I managed a small smile back, and for the first time in a while, it was not forced. It would all be all right. I had to believe that.

"You're so amazing..." he said suddenly, his voice awed once more.

I raised an eyebrow slightly. "Amazing?"

He smiled slightly, sweetly, blissfully. "And brave and wonderful and perfect and marvelous and sweet..." He lowered his hands from my face. Moonlight shone through the window and the song of a thousand crickets could be heard in the moment of silence where we just watched each other. "I love you so much."

I watched him a minute more, the very last traces of tears already cried lingering in my eyes before disappearing into the darkness of night. The candles that lit the room flickered in a sporadic frantic dance, spurred on by the small breeze that made its way into the room through the little openings at the doors and the windows where the wall did not meet the frames. I hugged him again, suddenly, tightly, as though he were my only link to sanity, to safety. And he was. "I love you too..." My voice was quiet again, almost overshadowed by the sounds in the night. "I'd be lost without you..."

A quiet laugh floated over his lips and he hugged me back. "Silly... you would manage..." He smirked. "And you wouldn't be pregnant either..." His arms tightened around me suddenly.

I laughed slightly at this, not letting him go. The fear was fading from my voice. "We're going to have a baby..." It was almost incomprehensible.

He chuckled quietly. "No, you are. I just get to cheer you on and be a pest."

I pulled away, shaking my head slightly in laughter, but then my laughter faded and I grew serious. "Ne... gomen... for acting like that..." I was ashamed at myself for acting like that earlier. I should have had more control.

His smile was small, but honest. "Well, I won't say I'm not scared."

Smiling back slightly, I nodded slightly, my face mirroring his. "Good... because I'm terrified..."

He laughed and then a mischievous look crossed his face, his smile turning almost evil. "What on earth will Akito-san say?"

My eyes widened. Akito. Telling him was not something I had thought about yet. "I don't know... I'm almost afraid to hear it..."

He grinned. "I don't care what he says." He was truly glowing. "I'm happy." His expression suddenly sobered and he looked at me seriously for a moment. "Are you all right about this then?"

Was I all right? I looked at him for a moment, wondering the answer to that question myself. "Hai... just... unsure of what to do... what's going to happen..."

Something like pride shone in his eyes and he smiled at me. "I'll be there. It will be all right." He glanced around at the darkened room. "Ne... I don't think Chichiri is coming back..."

I glanced up as well, suddenly realizing how late it had gotten so quickly, and how dark. "I don't think so either."

"We should get some sleep then," he suggested quietly.

Agreeing, I nodded slowly, wondering what would be keeping the blue-haired man out so long. Had he run into trouble? "You're right... "

I glanced at Nuriko just as he leaned backwards and flopped onto the bed, sprawling out all across it, his feet hanging over the side. "I'm comfortable..."

I could not help but laugh. "Well... that's good..." He truly was a child sometime. I loved him for it.

A hand grabbed my wrist and I found myself suddenly pulled on top of him. He shut his eyes. "Mmm... warm now too..."

Not moving, I laughed slightly before shutting my eyes as well. "Glad you're happy..."

His arms wrapped around me, holding me close. "Mm." He did not open his eyes, and I simply lay against him, listening to him breathe. Everything would be all right, as he had said. He was there. I was not alone in this. I fell asleep still lying against him, warm and safe.

It was later that night when I awoke suddenly to loud shouts and noises from outside. I sat upright, instantly awake, my entire body stiff and tense. Something was going on. I turned to Nuriko, who still lay where he had fallen. His chest was rising and falling in steady even breaths. He was sleeping, undisturbed by the sounds outside. I reached down and shook him, gently, but urgently. "Nuriko..." My voice was a quick whisper.

"No..." he mumbled, rolling over.

I shook him harder. "Nuriko...wake up..."

Blearily, his eyes blinked open and with some effort, focused on me through the darkness. "What?" His voice was thick with sleep.

"Something's going on..." I told him, still whispering and casting anxious glances to the doors.

Yawning, he sat up slowly. "What do you mean?"

I gestured to the outside where the sound of running footsteps and shouting voices filled the cool night air.   
  
He blinked, still looking half-asleep, and smoothed a hand over the clothes in which he had fallen asleep. "Oh... should we go see?"

"Hai..." I nodded.

He stood up, rubbing his eyes sleepily and heading towards the door. I followed close behind him, grabbing my sword as I walked past it. I carefully fastened the deity sword Taiitsu-kun had given me to my clothing and stepped outside just behind Nuriko. Our footsteps betrayed us only by soft padding echoes across the hallways. A blur of running figures blew past us and recognition came only after they were past us. "Tamahome? Miaka? Tasuki? Chiriko?" Nuriko called after them a bit disbelieving. They stopped, turning to look at us as we quickly caught up with them. The female disguises had fallen completely to pieces. Quickly, in a hurried rush of an explanation, we learned that we had been found out and the women of the island were after us. We were all doomed because of what they did to men.

Well, _I_ was not doomed... but I was not about to point that out to them at that point in time. Somewhere amidst the chaos of running and hiding we decided to spilt up. And split we did, although a bit unevenly. Miaka ran off first, but before she could quite get anywhere, I called her back and gave her my sword. A just-in-case measure. I am not quite sure what possessed me to do it, but I was not given long to think. A group of the Nyosei women came towards us and we ran again.

The frantic night continued until we found ourselves standing once again together, on a cliff overlooking the churning waters of the ocean below. We would not have made it, we would have been killed, if Chiriko's symbol had not reappeared. He had saved us all, for the second time since we had met him.   
  
  


Part Sixteen

  


I was glowing.

We were going to have a child.

Maybe it would be a little girl. Maybe we could name her Kourin. Maybe a boy... I was a bit unsure about naming him Akito though. I wondered vaguely what her mother's name had been and could not quite recall. We could name her Saihitei or him Ryuuen, but that could get confusing. I also didn't much like it when people named their children after themselves. It seemed to me to make the child merely an extension of themselves. So those were out. But Kourin... that might work. If she wanted that, of course.

Yet that would get confusing as well. Everyone knew that Kourin was the name of the present empress. I sighed quietly, not unhappily, tightening my arms slightly around her waist. Her hands were gripping my arms already. The horse bounced underneath us. We were all sharing, two to a horse. And this one was skittish.

We were traveling in Hokkan. It was a rather desolate place. It was also freezing cold. One thing that I could always boast about was my ability to be cold, whether it was warm or not, a very female trait. I had bothered Tasuki several times to warm me up with his tessen, but he was getting annoyed at me for that, so I had to content myself with leaning closely against her, seeking body heat. And comforting her.

She was so frightened. I didn't know how to make everything all right, as I had promised. I would be here for her, assuming I wasn't killed as we traveled, but no one had gotten very hurt yet, except Miaka, so I didn't expect any serious threats to our lives. The horse was cantering a little roughly. We had gotten them at the last stop, a place where Tamahome had saved a child. They had been our thanks and payment.

They had told us to go to Toran. It was the biggest city, they had said, and if we sought information on the shinzahou, they would be the most likely to know.

Snow. Everywhere. The fields were flat and stretched for endless miles of dull, freezing, white snow. I did not like it. It had been beautiful at first, a glorious, shimmering treat, but this was a bit much. Everything has to come to an end, doesn't it? And it was so cold. I missed the fields of Kounan, covered in grass and wildflowers. I missed the trees and the blue sky, not this grey dusk that always seemed to loom overhead. I missed being able to move when I was trying to sleep, instead of being weighted down with blankets. And, brief though it had been, I missed what private time I had been able to have with Hotohori. I knew how difficult it was for her to keep her secret amidst the other seishi, living with so many others. A few times it could have been possible... but no. No one else knew. And I would keep it that way.

I could see lights far ahead of us. Perhaps that was Toran. There was only one way to be sure.

The snow was quite pretty, both as it lay on the ground and as it drifted gently down to the ground. The lights of the town before us sparkled like stars that had fallen to earth with the snowflakes. They promised shelter, warmth... rest.

The cold was not unbearable, but it was chilly, and only getting more so as the night drew on and the sun set. The sheet of grey that covered the sky was dimming to a charcoal color. The moonless, starless sky made the coming darkness seem even more complete, and perhaps it would have been overwhelming were it not for the town we were approaching.

Nuriko's arms still held on tightly around my waist, and I could feel him leaning against me, shivering in the chilled air. He had been so happy, despite our less-than-ideal traveling conditions, ever since I had told him. The smile that graced his face only brightened whenever I brought up the subject of our having a baby. His happiness was encouraging and, while I understood it, I could not bring myself to agree with him. But it was nice to see him so happy. It helped to take some of the fear, some of the chilling uncertainty, away. Because he was there. Because he had said everything would be all right. And it would be. He would be there, always. We would be together, as long as we both lived.

But still... I shivered despite myself, but not from the cold. I had never thought about being pregnant before. I had never expected that it could happen. But as the cool wind stirred some of the powdery white snow beneath the foot of the horse, sending it up into a swirl of sparkling dust, I knew it was something with which I needed to come to terms. I just wish I knew what would happen. It was frightening.

I felt Nuriko's arms tighten slightly around my waist again as he shifted position. The gates of the town lay open behind us as we entered the city and came to the inn as the last vestiges of daylight slipped behind the distant grey horizon.

The table was cool on my arm. I was leaning on one elbow, watching the most beautiful flower that had ever bloomed from Kounan. She was gazing across the room, her head slightly bowed, her hair cascading over her shoulder, shadowing her features, casting dusk across her pale face. Her dark eyes were stormy, reminiscent of the last embers of a fire fighting to survive. Her hands rested lightly on the table, unmoving, but tense. She sat beside me on a small stool. I smiled slightly to myself. If only she could see herself. If only she could see herself through my eyes.

"Akito... I'm not sure it will fit..." I said, still smiling, interrupting the silence.

We were in the small room beside the dining area in the inn that we had decided to make our home for the night. We were alone in the room. The others were upstairs, presumably asleep, but she had not wanted to go to bed yet.

Her dark eyes turned to me. She was still scared. Despite how much I had tried to comfort her, she was frightened of what was happening. But I knew we would be all right. No matter what happened. "And we'd never hear the end of it from Akito either..." The lone candle at the end of the table flickered as if it were about to die.

I laughed quietly. "True enough." I watched her a moment more, wishing I could reach out and feel the tiny life that was growing inside her, to understand how it felt. "Girl or a boy?"

She gave me a faint smirk. "Does it matter?"

I lowered my eyes, hiding a grin. "It might..." I looked back at her, then suddenly leaned over, lightly kissing her cheek. "But, of course, you are right as usual." That caused me to wonder. What if we had a girl? Would she succeed Hotohori? Would she have to find someone like me? That had many possibilities. I wasn't sure I wanted my child to grow up in my footsteps.

She smiled at me slightly and opened her mouth to say something, but there was suddenly a looming shadow over us. I glanced up and gave the tall man a happy smile. "Konban wa! Mitsukake, you're up late!"

He nodded once to me. "Hai... Konban wa, Nuriko... heika..." He was looking between us, seeming to see something that wasn't there, gazing at us with his dark, perceptive, silent eyes.

I cocked my head at him, looking up at him a bit curiously. We weren't exactly the closest of friends, but the healer was not very close to any of us. I glanced once at Hotohori and then back to him. "Why don't you sit down? Is something the matter?"

He accepted my suggestion and did so, giving us both a slight smile. "Nothing's the matter... I was just wondering..." He broke off, looking slightly anxious, surprising to see on his normally calm, controlled face.

Hotohori, a little frown settled on her eyes, looked up at him. He was one of the few men taller than her, at least when she was wearing her shoes. She had not briught them on the trip, so she was about the same height as Chichiri. I wore the special shoes Akito had given me. I liked feeling tall. "Wondering what?"

I looked at her again, trying to decipher her emotion in the dark, a little confused. There was a sudden electricity in the atmosphere that I did not quite understand. I turned back to Mitsukake, waiting for him to answer.

He was studying her quietly. "I was just wondering if you'd want to be looked at... checked, that is.. by a doctor."

Her voice was nervous, almost tremulous. "Why... why would I need to? I'm not sick..." She cast me a nervous glance.

I could not respond, the feeling in my stomach suddenly tight. I watched him silently a moment. He knew. He knew. "Sou ka," I said softly. I slowly turned my eyes to her, silent again.

His voice was gentle, trying to reassure her. "Well, you're pregnant, ne?"

She just blinked and stared at him. "I..."

I had only seen her eyes so terrified twice before. The first time had been when I had walked in on her and her secret had been revealed. The second had been when she had discovered she was pregnant.

I reached out and took her hand, looking only at Mitsukake. I tightened my hand slightly around hers, leaving my voice quiet. "Yes, if you would be so kind."

I could see out of the corner of my eyes her own frantic eyes.

I couldn't look back at her. What I was doing was betraying her. But it didn't matter now. He knew. "Please."

He nodded, his face unreadable. "Hai, of course."

He reached out his left hand and placed it on her forehead, a tiny light emanating from the hand rivaling that of the candle. She did not move or say anything, her eyes lowered, but I could feel the fear in her just by touching her hand.

I bit my lip. Was it betrayal? But he had known... I couldn't look at her. Had it been betrayal to tell her my real name? I had sworn to Kourin that we would always be together, that I would be her as long as I lived. But I had married a woman. I was no longer acting as she had. I was myself...

Yet... Hotohori had fallen in love with me. With Ryuuen.

I kept my eyes focused on the table in front of me. Either way, I lost. With Hotohori, I could no longer be Kourin. Without Hotohori, I could not live.

I felt unworthy to even be touching her hand. Would I betray her one day too? Would there be some promise that I had made to her that I would break too?

His hand started to move down from her forehead, about an inch away from her, over her face, over her neck, over her breasts, and finally to her stomach. Where our child was growing. After a moment, he drew it away and simply nodded.

She was still silent. Was she angry at me? I could not look up.

"Well, you are pregnant... it's early, but you're both very healthy so far..." It sounded like he was smiling. Good. They were fine. She tightened her hand around mine slightly.

I tightened my hand as well, a tiny smile slipping onto my face. No matter what, I still loved her. And I was so happy we were going to have a child. I looked up to Mitsukake a little shyly, my voice still soft. "Thank you."

He nodded. "Of course... any time I can be of help..."

She was still being remarkably quiet.

I nodded back and then finally forced myself to look at her. She met my gaze, not smiling nor frowning, just looking rather unsure. Relief poured through me. She wasn't angry with me.

"Heika, you do not have to worry," Mitsukake said, his deep voice resonating in the small room. "I will not tell anyone anything. You have my word on that."

"Gomen..." I whispered to her. And I truly was sorry.

She shook her head. "Iie... don't apologize." She gave me a little smile and then turned her eyes back to Mitsukake. "Mitsukake... how... how did you know?"

I too turned my eyes to the tall healer, seated across from us. "I'm a doctor," he said simply. "You had been acting so strangely... I had seen such behavior before... but only in a pregnant woman... and it made me wonder..."

I smiled slightly to myself. Strangely was an understatement. But her voice, when she answered, was almost too calm. "I see."

He just nodded.

"Ne, Mitsukake," I said lowly, curiosity suddenly itching my mind.

He glanced at me. "Hai?"

"Only in a pregnant woman... the way you said it," I repeated, musing over his words. I paused a moment, aware that he might not want me poking into his past. I tried to phrase my inquiry carefully. "Forgive me, but it sounded like it was someone you know."

His dark eyes went distant for a minute, but then he nodded, not coming out of his memories. "Hai... I was speaking... of someone I once knew..."

I was even more curious. My finesse completely gone, I asked the question bluntly. "Who?"

There was only one person that I knew of that he had known. His voice was hushed, almost as if speaking the name was an effort- or painful. "Shouka..."

My eyes widened and I knew Hotohori's did as well. His one love had been pregnant...?

"Shouka was pregnant... when she died," he said rather flatly. His entire posture had changed, looking hurt, sad, almost angry.

I kept my tone soft. "Yours...?"

His nod was barely perceptible. "Hai. Mine."

My brows lowered. "I'm sorry..."

He shook his head. "Don't apologize... I've already apologized hundreds of times and it didn't do anything." His eyes were still looking off into the past. "It was the baby that killed her... she wasn't strong enough when the disease came... because of the child... that's why the demon took her."

I slowly put my other hand on top of the hand of hers I held. I was completely unsure of what to say. The rush of emotions was nearly suffocating. He had lost her... because of the baby... no. No. I wouldn't let anything happen to her. No matter what, I would protect her. I glanced up at her, upset.

She was nearly clutching my hand, looking scared and trying to not to show it.

He seemed to realize what he was saying and to whom. "Gomen... I shouldn't be telling you this. And don't worry, heika, you're perfectly healthy and I'll do my best to make sure you stay that way." He gave us a half-hearted smile.

"Mitsukake... thank you," I said quietly. My feelings were still rushing around. How must he have felt when that happened? I would have felt so guilty. "And it wasn't your fault."

The sad smile still graced his face. "Iie... it was... I failed her twice." He sighed quietly. "But... perhaps she can forgive me someday..."

I shook my head slowly. "Trust me... she has." The smile I gave him was slight. "I saw her face. I was there."

He smiled back faintly, bowing his head a bit. I knew that in this case words meant nothing. "If you'll excuse me... it's late... If you ever have need of anything more, please ask me." He nodded to both of us, rising to his feet in one smooth motion. "Nuriko, heika." His quiet footsteps led him away.

"Oyasumi," I said quietly. I watched him until he disappeared, still holding her hand with both of mine. I needed to see her reaction to this.

She turned her eyes away from the darkness that had engulfed him. They were more frightened than her voice, carefully cultivated to prevent slips, or her face, also trained to not show emotion. "It's falling apart..."

"Don't..." I started to shake my head. "Nothing is falling apart. He knows, yes. But he's not going to tell. You know that." I met her eyes squarely. "It will be all right. Everything will be."

"Hai... hai, it will be. It has to be." She was more reassuring herself than me, I think. She was still shaken from the realization that Mitsukake knew. And that Shouka had died because of her own child.

I stood, moving over to her and bending over to hug her tightly. "Don't be scared... please. Nothing will happen to you. I'll always keep you safe."

She hugged me back just as tightly, nodding into my shoulder.

I would protect her.

It was late, too late to be awake, but I was. Sleep would not come; perhaps it could not. The words still swam through my mind, searing into my memory and refusing to be pushed away. Nuriko lay beside me, his loose hair spilling across the pillow in shining ripples on the snow white sheet, his arms loosely around me and that happy smile still pulling at the corners of his mouth, even in sleep. It was our first night alone since we had left the boat to travel over land some time ago, and it was nice to be alone together again. The bed was warm, him lying beside me under a number of soft blankets, and still I could not sleep. Sighing to myself slightly, I slid out from beneath the covers and away from him into the cold chill. The night air was cool against my bare skin and I stood glancing around a moment before picking up my nightshirt and slipping it over my head.

Still shivering and cold, but covered now, I folded my arms across my chest, almost hugging myself, trying to ward off the chill.

Shouka. She had died because of the baby. I shivered, as much from that thought as from the cold. Mitsukake had found out my secrets, both that I was a woman and that I was pregnant. I tried to convince myself it was because he was a healer- that was why he had known, how he could tell. That had to be why. My feet padded softly against the cold bare wooden floor as I walked over to the window and looked out. Moonlight was beginning to shine through as the clouds broke apart in patches to reveal an ebony sky studded with diamonds.

Nuriko still slept soundly beneath the mound of covers piled onto the bed. The moonlight shone on the fallen snow, making it glitter. Lifting a hand to my face, I was surprised to find my cheeks wet with silently falling tears. I wiped at them, annoyed. Why was I crying? There was no reason to. Despite everything that had happened, I still should not have been so emotional, so upset. After all, Nuriko was here and he had promised everything would be all right. And as long as he was with me, as long as he lived, I knew it would be. I suppose... it was almost a good thing that Mitsukake knew now. I would be needing a doctor in the months to come, and the healer was someone I knew I could trust.

But the pain in his eyes, when he had talked about Shouka, how he had lost her. That was what had been most frightening. I had never seen such sadness, so deep, so complete, in anyone's eyes before. Shaking my head at the night sky, I walked over to the bed, slipping back beneath the covers and inching close against Nuriko, leaning against him, my shivering slowly ceasing. Everything would be fine. It was Nuriko's child, our baby, that I was carrying inside me. As long as he was with me, everything would be all right. Everything.

I stumbled down the stairs. Hotohori had not been in our room when I had woken up. My stomach rumbled again- the reason I had woken up- and I tried to straighten out my disheveled appearance slightly. I pulled my belt into the right place, brushing a few purple strands of hair out of my eyes, and continued down the stairs. My footsteps were not as light as I would have liked.

I managed to make my way down the stairs without falling. I peered into the dining room of the inn, searching for her or food, and found both. I meandered over slowly.

I had slept late. There were already drunk men about. I found that impressive.

She was sitting as far from Mitsukake as she could manage, but she glanced up at me and smiled. "Ohayo."

Any morning that I could wake up to her certainly was a good morning. I smiled blissfully at her, but then realized that there was no place for me at the table. I peered around and then quickly stole one from a neighboring table, seating myself happily. "Ohayo... what's going on?" They were all speaking but her, talking about what we were going to do.

"We're discussing the plans for today," she told me, looking back to the others, "to search for the shinzahou."

I nodded, stifling a yawn. "How?" I wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying. I was sure they had everything worked out, or that they would.

She hid a grin, presumably at how sleepy I still was, but it had been a long night. Yet she should have been tired too. "We think it'll be quicker if we split up... to cover more area in less time."

I nodded in agreement with her, too tired to form my own opinion. "I'm going with you." That I would not compromise, no matter what state of wakefulness I was in.

She smiled at me briefly and then turned to the others, making sure that there would be no arguments against that. I simply ignored them, taking a piece of bread from the middle of the table and munching on it hungrily.

The groups ended up being what I would have expected- Tamahome and Miaka, Chiriko and Chichiri, Tasuki and Mitsukake, and Hotohori and I. I stayed content to eat nearly everything in sight... at least, everything that Miaka hadn't eaten.

In the midst of my breakfast, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. "Hey, pretty lady, want to come have a drink with me?" a slurred voice oozed into my ear.

I glared. I was a married man. I didn't need this kind of treatment. I carefully picked him up and launched him across the other side of the room. "Hmph. I'm not that easy." I gave Hotohori a smile and sat myself, very properly, again.

She did not bother to hold back a soft laugh. "Nicely done."

I inclined my head slightly. "Thank you."

"Hey, neechan, how about you? Are you less uptight?" Hotohori's shoulder was suddenly being molested by the drunken filth of this town. Kounan's emperor. My wife. I noticed he was giving me occasional wary looks. I restrained myself from killing him on the spot, but barely. I had to let her take care of herself in this instance.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "You're joking, right?"

Raucous calls serenaded him throughout the dining room. He grinned. "We have a free spot for a lovely woman such as yourself."

I would not kill him. I would not kill him. Killing was wrong. I would not kill him.

"I don't think so..." She looked a bit unsure. How many men hit on other men- especially if that man was the emperor? Besides me, of course.

An idea suddenly blossomed in my mind. Smirking, I stood, reaching down and pulling Hotohori to her feet as well. "I'm sorry," I said lightly, "this one is taken." I turned her toward me and tilted my face up.

And in the middle of the dining room, I reached up and kissed her deeply.

The jaws of the other seishi, except Mitsukake, dropped. "K-kiss!" sputtered out Tamahome helplessly.

She seemed a bit surprised, but she quickly caught my idea and kissed back.

Tasuki was blinking, his mouth open, his eyes wide. "Shit..."

Tamahome grabbed Tasuki's shirt. "You see that???"

But my mission had been accomplished. The man who had been hitting on her, his mouth gaping, blinking in shock, backed away, nearly tripping over a table behind him.

I was still busy kissing her. And it wasn't the type of kiss one might give to a friend. This was a rather intimate kiss. I was surprised that she had been willing to do this in public.

"Shit..." Tasuki said, his voice a hiss, nodding. "I see it... just... shit... they really are... Oh, man. Oh, man..."

Miaka's high voice piped through the consternation of the crowd. "What? They make a cute couple!" Tama-chan just stared at her uncomprehendingly.

I finally pulled away, grinning breathlessly at her. What a way to start the morning.

Tasuki glared at Miaka. "You don't get it, do you?"

Hotohori smiled back at me, also slightly out of breath. Tasuki was inching back into his chair.

Tamahome looked like he wondered if he could disappear. Chiriko just seemed slightly puzzled as to what the fuss was about. Chichiri looked a little pale, but was keeping his emotions hidden. Mitsukake had a wide smirk on his calm face.

Grinning triumphantly, I seated myself in the chair. An ironic thought occurred to me. All the drunks thought that we were both women. The seishi mostly thought we were both men. This amused me. I laughed quietly to myself and glanced at her, smiling, then turned my eyes to Tasuki and Tamahome.

She sat back down as well. The men in the dining hall seemed much more subdued and tolerable, though they were still staring at us. Tasuki was watching us suspiciously.

I linked my arm with hers, biting another piece of bread happily. "So what are we doing today, minna?"

"We're going to find the shinzahou! You're going with Hotohori?" Miaka asked cheerfully.

I grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

Hotohori was quiet, seeming happy for the moment, sipping her tea absently.

Tasuki looked as if he were convinced that he was surrounded by lunatics. "Che, at least Mitsukake's almost normal..." he muttered darkly.

Hearing his words, I gave him a little grin. "Jealous, bandit boy?"

He looked flustered. "Jealous of what??"

I crossed my legs like a woman, very effeminately, placing my elbows on the table, separating from her for a moment, wide awake now that I could exercise my powers to flirt and tease. "Do you want a kiss too?" I smiled sweetly at him.

Hotohori gave me a sideways glance, but Tasuki just started laughing nervously.

I hid a smile and looked at Hotohori, grinning mischievously. This was a fun game.

Chiriko had an idea, flares, to set off when we found the shinzahou. I took ours and stuck it in a pocket. They continued to talk and I continued to amuse myself by torturing Tasuki. I simply gazed at him. Whenever he met my eyes, I gave him a slow, luxurious smile. He would pale and then hurriedly look away. And finally they were done talking.

"Well, should we be off then?" I asked the others, turning my attention away from the terrified bandit.

Beside me, Hotohori nodded. "Hai... I think we're ready..."

Tasuki stood and watches us, especially me, very warily. "Then what the hell are we waiting for? Shit, we're wasting daylight. Let's get moving."

I sidled over to him, pulling Hotohori with me, and linked my free arm with Tasuki's. "You should come with us..." I grinned evilly. I was tormenting him and I knew it. And loved it.

He jerked his arm away and backed up. "Anou... shit, Mitsukake'd be lonely then. Couldn't do that to him. Sorry." He hurried over to Mitsukake and began tugging on the tall healer's arm, hiding behind him. "C'mon!" Hotohori stifled a laugh.

I smirked at him and slipped an arm around her waist cheerfully. "We're off then!"

Tama hung back with Miaka, still looking at us, slightly pale. "See you guys later!!" Miaka called cheerily.

And we started on our way to find the shinzahou.   
  


Go to the [next part][2]. 

Return to [Tokyo Tower][3]. 

   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/serious/death.html
   [3]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



	5. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]

Part Seventeen

  
  


I stood alone, my back against the cold wooden exterior of the building's frame. Snow fell around me in breathless flurries that settled onto my skin, my hair, and my eyelashes, remaining only for a minute before disappearing, vanishing into nothingness. Nuriko had ventured back inside in search of a warmer coat after remembering just how cold it was outside. I had watched his shivering form disappear quickly inside the inn, the door being blown shut behind him.

Closing my eyes against the sparse snowflakes, I let a soft sigh escape in a puff of cloudy wisps that floated into the air and faded quickly from sight.

"Na..." a voice beside me called. My eyes shot open and I found myself looking straight into the shifty eyes of the malevolently grinning flame-haired bandit.

"Ohayo, Tasuki..." I began, watching him a bit warily. He was smirking evilly, his eyes watching me curiously.

"Aa," he said, nodding slightly. The wind began blowing again, but oddly enough, it barely ruffled his hair, not moving a single strand out of place. His eyes narrowed slightly, and he glanced around, almost nervously. "Where's Nuriko?" His voice sounded wary.

"He went inside... to get a coat," I said, motioning towards the door with my head. "He'll be right out if you need to talk to him..."

He shook his head, cutting me off, the mischief-filled spark returning to his flaming eyes. "Iie... just making sure he's not gonna jump out of the shadows and scare the shit out of me or anything. Actually, I sort of wanted to talk to you a bit." His grin grew wider.

I took a step backwards, only to find myself literally up against a wall. A sudden chill came over me, colder than the weather of the chilly day. "Oh?"

"Hai." He nodded definitely, completely sure of himself. I wished silently Nuriko would hurry, and cast my eyes towards the door, hoping to see his face appearing there. But he did not, and, almost reluctantly, I turned my gaze back to the bandit. "What's it like, kissing another man like that? I mean, shit, isn't it a bit weird? I mean, no offense or anything, but it's sort of fucking strange to see." He kicked at the snow with his foot, his eyes watching my face.

Blinking, I just stared at him for a moment. "I... no, no it isn't weird... at all. I love him." It wasn't strange. Even if I had been a man, or Nuriko a woman, I still would have loved him. There was nothing wrong with that. I wondered briefly how Nuriko felt about this, about what others might think because of the way things appeared, especially since the truth was so vastly different from what was seen.

Shrugging, Tasuki began digging at the snow again with his foot. "Yeah, so I've heard." He shook his head. "Shit, you two actually sleep together too. Damn, I heard the noises when you two were on the boat."

My eyes widened and I tried once more to back up into the wall. "Noises? What noises?" He could not possibly be speaking of what I thought. Killing a dark blush that was threatening my face, I forced my gaze to meet his.

Making a face, he took a step closer to me. "Shit, you know what noises." He paused for a moment, shaking his head and thinking. "Two men... not like I haven't seen it before, but it's fucking different for some reason with you two." He paused for a moment as though a thought had entered his mind. A strange look crossed his face for a moment, as though something had just struck him. "I mean, shit, which one of you is the girl? Or do you take turns?"

If my eyes could have gotten any wider without bursting, they would have, but as it was, I simply prayed that I could disappear into the wall. I doubt he even knew how close to home his questions were hitting, but to me they were too much like well-aimed arrows. And I was their target. My feet nearly slipped out from beneath me as I shifted them about on the slick snow. Seeing no other escape route, I turned my eyes up to him and spoke, my voice serious. "I am." I watched his eyes widen.

"Shit..." he whispered in disbelief. "Would've thought that was the other fucking way around."

"What's the other way around?" A soft high-pitched voice came through the stillness of the air and Chiriko stepped into view just behind the bandit. I paled.

"Their sex life," Tasuki remarked casually. Had I been any less mortified I would have strangled him. But all I could do was stand there wishing I could hide or run... or both.

"Whose sex life no da?" The blue-haired monk appeared off to the side of Chiriko, his staff tracing a line in the snow, marking his passing.

"The emperor's and Nuriko's," Tasuki informed him, flashing me a sadistic grin. My face colored furiously.

Chichiri's normal grin widened a bit. "Oh no da? What about it no da?" I couldn't believe this. This was not happening. It was some sort of nightmare. But if it were a dream, it was a painfully vivid one. I could do nothing but stare at them, watching them talk about me, discussing what I considered to be quite private. A silent shadow entered the fringes of the group unnoticed by all save myself. Mitsukake stood quietly behind everyone, listening and watching.

Tasuki, a morbidly curious grin on his face, turned his eyes to Chichiri. "Well, I was asking Hotohori here... when they do each other, who's the guy and who's the girl?"

Tamahome chose this moment to walk up to the small group. Chiriko's wide eyes turned to him. "Tamahome-san, where's miko-sama?" he piped up. Hope exploded inside of me. The conversation was changing. And Nuriko could not possibly take much more time inside. Perhaps I had escaped!

"Miaka is inside, talking to Nuriko about something... they could be a while." My heart fell slightly. As quietly as possible, I attempted to inch away from them, keeping my back pressed up against the wall.

Not willing to let the subject die, Chichiri glanced at me, the expression on his face twisting evilly, mirroring the smirk on Tasuki's face. "So what was his answer no da?" I had not expected this from Chichiri. The older man was usually much more mature, much more reserved and tactful. But obviously, the monk was in an odd mood, perhaps influenced by the bandit.

"Answer to what?" Tamahome asked, throwing a strange glance my way. Perhaps he was confused as to why I was hugging the wall as though it were my only life-line.

"Well, I had asked Hotohori when he and Nuriko do it, who's the girl?" Tasuki explained, his voice gleeful. He grinned at the shocked expression on Tamahome's face.

"Wh... what's the answer?" Tamahome asked, taking a step back, his face horrified. I knew how he felt, although I did not understand why he was the one who looked so upset. It was not his private life they were discussing in the open in front of him. It was mine. I could feel the lump of tears begin in my throat, but I held it down. It would be foolish to cry, especially in front of them. They did not mean to be malevolent. They had no idea how hard their joking was hitting, how frightening it was. How hard it was to listen to.

Tasuki shrugged nonchalantly and threw an evil look my way. "Well, heika, what's your answer? Who's the fucking girl in bed?" He very nearly cackled.

Still wishing I could melt into the snow that had settled at my feet, I spoke, my eyes trained on the ground. "I am," I answered again, quietly.

Tamahome choked and stared. Managing not to cough, Chichiri just looked at me. Chiriko blinked confused, his eyes wide and his child's face questioning. "Yeah, surprised the shit out of me too," Tasuki informed them. I kept my eyes focused on the ground. I knew then how a deer feels when it is caught in the sight of a hunter's arrow, unable to flee. I was horrified.

Suddenly, from his place in the silent backdrop in the scene of this nightmare, Mitsukake began chuckling, a low deep rumbling noise that sounded, at best, strange to the ear. I did not remember ever hearing the healer laugh before. His eyes met mine again and another laugh escaped, an ironic soft laugh.

"Mitsukake-san are you all right?" Chiriko asked, his young voice concerned.

Halfway composed, Mitsukake nodded. "Hai, hai... I'm fine. But don't you think it unwise to talk about the emperor like this right in front of him?" He glanced over their heads to me, giving me a small smile in attempts to reassure me.

The wind picked up again, sending the powdery snow up in glistening swirls that chilled the skin and dazzled the eyes in their airy radiance. I kept my eyes focused on the snow, feeling so lost. Where was Nuriko? He would know how to deal with this.

Tasuki's face crinkled up, his fangs showing. "Shit, maybe, but I'm fucking curious!" he whined loudly.

"Curious about what?" A familiar welcome voice met my ears and I turned grateful eyes to see Nuriko standing not far off, a inquisitive smile on his face.

This time the bandit paled and began backing away, trying to meld into the group the others had formed around me.

Chichiri threw a grin at Nuriko. "Your sex life no da!!" he said brightly, helpfully.

Nuriko blinked for a moment in surprise, his face mirroring mine, but only for an instant. A slow evil grin began spreading across his face. "I see..." he began. "What about it?"

A small frightened voice piped up from somewhere behind Mitsukake. "Which one of you is the girl in bed!!"

I cringed again. Nuriko laughed for a moment and then went completely serious, the laughter falling from his lips and being replaced by a smirkish smile. He walked over to me smoothly and slipped an arm around my waist, pulling me towards him. "Well, he is, of course." The evil grin grew darker as he watched the others. "Would you like a demonstration...?" I paled again, looking over at him.

Tasuki, from somewhere behind Mitsukake, fell into a violent fit of coughing. Tamahome backed away slightly. "I... I'm gonna go get Miaka... ja..." He was suddenly gone, the inn door slamming shut behind him.

Nuriko laughed again and turned his gaze to me. "Shall we go, my love?" He grinned at me, seeming to enjoy every moment of this.

Provided an excuse for making an escape, I nodded vehemently. Taking his hand tightly in mine, I took off at a pace that was just short of a run, my footsteps leaving small imprints in the snowy ground. I pulled Nuriko after me quickly, needing to be away from the questioning eyes of the others.

Before we were out of sight, Nuriko turned back, and with his free hand, blew a kiss to Tasuki, winking at him. Chuckling evilly to himself, he turned back around to face our present path. We turned a corner and were out of sight.   
  


The growling that met my ears was unlike anything I had ever heard before. It was like an animal, but almost intelligent, as if it had a prey and was searching for it. It was still far off, but it was not a reassuring sound.

Hotohori and I had wandered off aimlessly until I had discovered a monument with Genbu at the top. That was when Miaka and Tamahome had nearly run into us.

Ancient characters... I certainly could not read them, but it appeared that no one else could either. The lettering on the monument had not been used for two hundred years. Only scholars could read it now.

Though Hotohori had been schooled when she was younger, she had not learned this script. But then there had been an offer from a young man to take one of us to a scholar who could read it, the man's father. A villager had stopped us for a moment, warning us that neither of the two were to be trusted.

Tamahome decided that the ladies should wait at the monument for him. Hotohori just looked at him, her face pale and strained. Miaka was worried, not wanting him to go alone. I simply glared furiously. I was not a lady.

Waiting would have been boring had Miaka and Hotohori not been there. As it was, Hotohori simply clung to my hand. What had they said to her? I asked, but she just shook her head. I sighed, worried, ready to kill Tasuki if he had hurt her. The bandit was a nice guy, but he could be such an idiot.

And we waited...

Hotohori excused herself to go relieve herself. I made a comment under my breath about pregnant women and she heard me and glared. I gave her a sunny smile and watched as she strode away.

"Tamahome's late..." Miaka said, leaning her head back against the stone of the monument.

"What are you saying? You just said that a minute ago!" I turned, giving her an odd look. But I was worried too. It wasn't like Tama-chan to be lax about his duties. I sighed, moving back to where I had been sitting. She did have a right to be anxious.

"Hey, Nuriko..." she said quietly, gently. I did not move. She was suddenly so serious. Another question about Tamahome? "He makes you happy, doesn't he?"

I blinked, not having expected that question. "Hotohori?"

"Yeah." I could hear her shift her weight slightly, trying to get comfortable, echoing faintly against the stone.

I shut my eyes, leaning my head back, allowing a small smile to take rest on my face. "Yes... yes, he does. He's the most wonderful, sweetest, kindest person I have ever known." It had been getting easier to remember to say "he." I had spent enough time around the others to make it a habit. But I would never forget the difference.

"Good," she said quietly. "I'm glad... but I can't help wondering sometimes..." She let her voice trail off.

I blinked my eyes open. The tone in her voice had sounded... wistful...? "Yes?"

She sighed softly. "Well... Hotohori loved me. What if I had picked him over Tamahome?"

Wrapping my arms around myself, over my chest, hugging in the heat, I left my voice low. "Well... then you would have been empress."

"And unhappy," she finished.

I blinked again. Her voice was so strong, so sure.

"I love Tamahome," she continued, "and you love Hotohori. I think both of us always have. I'm glad that I don't love Hotohori... because then you would have been sad."

Sad? When I thought that she truly wanted Hotohori, in the forest right before her evil shadow had told them all my secret, I had not been sad. Furious, hurt, miserable, torn completely apart inside... sad was not large enough to cover it all. "Hai," I agreed, listening to the way everything resounded in the snow-caked village.

She giggled suddenly. "And you're so cute when you look at him!"

"Ah, you just realized my special appeal," I said, thankful to the switch to the light mood. What would have happened had Hotohori never fallen in love with me? I didn't want to think about it.

"Geez, if I praise you, you get cocky!" The look she gave me was a little wary and mostly unbelieving.

"What do you mean?" I gave her a mock glare.

She just met my gaze. We both laughed at each other a moment. I was glad. Miaka was a good friend. I hadn't had any for a long time before I was a seishi.

It was quiet again a moment until she made a little noise, almost of pain. "What's wrong, Miaka?" I asked, turning to her. Could it be a Seiryuu spell? Did she need to go inside to warm up? I certainly wanted to, but at least my warmer coat helped some. "Cold?"

And Hotohori still was not back. She must have gotten into a conversation with someone.

"No... the chills..." Her voice was faint.

"Chills?" I asked, a bit unsure what she meant.

"I'm worried about Tamahome," she said, her arms pulled tightly to her. "I'll go check on him." She stood and began to walk off.

"Ah, Miaka!" I called after her. "We have to wait for Hotohori!!"

That was when the deep, harsh voice ripped through the stillness, destroying the peaceful tranquillity of the morning like thunder in the dead of night. "Suzaku no Miko."

She turned, almost in slow motion.

"I'll kill you!!" the voice hissed.

I leapt from my place toward her, reaching an arm out to her. I had to protect her! "MIAKA!!!"

"DIE!!"

I felt myself land on something warm and breathing, felt my own breath, felt something rip a jagged hole in my arm. Too many sensations demanded my attention all at once. I prayed that Hotohori was still away, not seeing this, not in danger. "Miaka!"

We rolled, landing in the snow, which mostly cushioned our fall. My hair flew out behind me, loosed of its braid by the same claw that had torn my arm. I remained face down in the snow a second, breathing, making sure I was alive. "Nuriko!!" Miaka's frightened voice suddenly broke into my consciousness. Yes. Miaka. I had to protect my miko.

Terrified voices of villagers swarmed into my concentration. I had to help.

"Nuriko, Nuriko, look, look, look!!" Miaka cried out, the fear thick in her high voice.

I managed to pull myself upright, holding onto my shoulder. He would not touch her. "A Seiryuu seishi!" Spots of my own blood danced in scarlet patterns across the snow where I had fallen.

"Old men don't taste good..." the creature growled. Had he been eating a human? Was that the blood I saw on his face? "Next, you two."

Miaka was wailing. I did not need this. "I left my stuff with Chichiri!!"

And he started to charge.

Sudden inspiration lit up my eyes. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the flare that Chiriko had given to Hotohori and I. As he lunged for us, I pulled back the string at the end, setting off the flare in his face.

He screamed. I could smell the stink of burning flesh already. Ready to still fight if I needed to, I waited, but he turned, running off out of the town.

"Not bad, Nuriko," Miaka said in a hushed voice. "You ran him off!"

"Chiriko's flare worked in an unexpected way," I said, pleased with myself. And Hotohori had not been around. She had not gotten hurt. Miaka was safe as well. I had protected her. And then the pain shot up my arm, awareness of the injury shocking itself into my nerves.

"Nuriko, is it bad?" my miko ask worriedly. "Are you all right?"

We sat back down at the monument, my right hand, the good one, pressed to the wound, staunching the blood flow. I did not need to be weak when we had so much to do.

It was a few moments later that I saw Hotohori coming back. She looked a little tired, but her glorious face was wonderful to see. I hoped that she wouldn't be upset when she saw I had gotten hurt. She was under enough stress. She shouldn't have to worry about me.   
  


The wind was still blowing, although its chill was not as stinging as it had been, and the snow no longer fell. Instead, it was lying in the peaceful, undisturbed sheet of white. This truly was a beautiful country, perhaps a bit monotonous, but beautiful. The town seemed asleep in the snow, save for a stray person or two who had taken it upon themselves to brave the chill of the air. The others would be waiting for me, I was sure. Tamahome must have been back by now. I had not meant to take so long, but I had stopped at an inn, and had managed to secure us room and board for the night. We would be needing that soon.

I came upon them, exactly where I had left them, and smiled as they caught sight of me. Tamahome was not yet with them. Nuriko gave me a small grin as I stopped in front of them. "You have good timing."

Off to the side of Nuriko, her brown eyes wide and excited, Miaka piped up. "You missed Nuriko being all heroic!!" A glare passed from Nuriko to her. I was missing something.

I blinked. "Heroic?" It was then I caught sight of the blood that had begun to stain the fabric of his clothes. His hand lay over the wound, cradling it, but still the blood had seeped from below his fingers. "What happened? Are you all right?" I glanced at the both of them, suddenly afraid for them.

A small quiet sigh escaped Nuriko's lips. "It's all right now... just a Seiryuu seishi. He's gone now." I bit my lip. A Seiryuu seishi. So they were here as well.

Miaka nodded in affirmation with Nuriko. "Nuriko saved me! He was great!" Her voice was clear, but after a moment she subdued. "But he wasted your flare..."

Managing a small smile at her, I shrugged slightly. Why hadn't I been here with them when they were attacked? I should not have left them. "Well... a flare we can deal without. I'm just glad you're both safe." Safe. Thank the gods. If they had been hurt... but Nuriko was hurt. I bit my lip and took a step closer to him, my arms crossed over my chest, hugging myself to try and ward off the silent chill of the air. "You're bleeding..."

A cheerful smile flashed across his face. "It'll be all right. It's just a little scratch. We only have to wrap it." He was lying, of course. It hurt him- I could see that in his eyes and in the way he cradled the injury with his other hand.

"No, it looks pretty deep, Nuriko..." Miaka said matter-of-factly, her bright face darkening slightly and crinkling as she looked at the cut on his arm. Nuriko sent another glare at her, brows lowered, eyes narrowed.

"Ne, Nuriko," I began quietly, watching him closely. His skin seemed even paler in the cold of the snow, but a soft red glow touched his cheeks where the chill in the air had placed it. His hair fell around his face, loosed, I'd imagine, during the battle, making it seem as though he were hiding inside a violet cape. And beneath his hand, only partially hidden, a stain of blood from his injury. "Miaka's probably right... let me look at it...?"

He sighed again softly, the sigh, for one moment, being given solid form in the shape of a misty cloud that slowly faded away into the snowy air. Miaka moved over so I could sit beside him. Carefully, moving his hand out of the way, I looked at the cut in his skin below the torn fabric. It was still bleeding, but looked to be slowing. Miaka had been wrong- it was not very deep, but it was jaggedly cut, made by something other than a weapon. Almost as though an animal... "It looks like it was done by some sort of claw," I said quietly, moving my eyes to his face.

His voice was quiet, hushed. "Yes... it was." His eyes would not meet mine; instead they gazed off into the cloudy distance.

Still biting my lip, I glanced from him to Miaka and back. I should have been here. I should not have left Nuriko alone with the miko, after Tamahome had already left. It was too dangerous, foolish. Miaka was a target of the Seiryuu side, a welcome invitation to attack. "It isn't bad... but it needs to be cleaned..." I said, taking my hand away from his bleeding arm.

For the third time that afternoon, he sighed, but gave me a small, slight grin. "Well, we can do that after Tamahome comes back..."

At his words, Miaka rose to her feet, her green eyes worried. "That's right! Tamahome!!" The concern on her face resurfaced anew.

I nodded, casting my gaze to Miaka. It was strange that Tamahome was not back yet. It was not like him to be late, and certainly not where Miaka was concerned. "I'm sure he'll be here soon... it's easy to get turned around in this city... or perhaps he ran into one of the others..." That must have been it. Perhaps Chichiri or Tasuki. They were all wandering around somewhere. The city was large and there were so many twists and turns that getting lost was actually quite easy. My attempt at optimism fizzled at that point and I went silent.

"No, I'm sure he's fine," Nuriko said, smiling at the two of us. "Trust me." He stood as well, beside Miaka, leaving me the only one seated. I watched as he stretched, but quickly stopped, wincing as the pain in his arm worsened with the movement.

Her voice still worried, Miaka nodded absently. "All right..."

The silence that settled over us was eerie, too still. It whispered of things to come, of darkness, of fear. I shivered. My mind was trying to run away with me again. Sighing, I shook my head and spoke, trifle conversation. "I managed to get us a room at an inn..."

Miaka's eyes were distant and she did not seem to hear my voice nor register my words.

"Oh?" Nuriko glanced up at the sky. In the advancing twilight, the clouds had turned a deep shade of violet, a color they had no doubt stolen from his eyes. "I hadn't realized how late it had gotten..." he said, trailing off.

I nodded vaguely, shivering again slightly. "Hai... darkness comes quicker this far north..." I turned my eyes to the dusky expanse of the sky as well. It was true. Night in these parts seemed to sneak up on you and then stay, lying like a blanket across the land, but bringing with it no warmth.

His hand was still held over his bleeding arm. "Mm... I'm suddenly hungry," he announced.

Roused from her thoughts, Miaka grinned. "Me too!" she agreed, and her stomach joined in as well with a small noise of affirmation. She and Nuriko looked at each other and laughed. I simply shook my head at the two of them, smiling despite myself.

Nuriko stepped back and sat down beside me, but this time with his unhurt arm facing me. He slipped it around my shoulders. "I'm just glad you're all right."

I smiled, leaning against him carefully, lightly, remembering his injury. But in the blowing wind and oncoming darkness, it was nice just to be close to him, to feel something constant. "Of course I'm all right... I wasn't the one fighting to protect Miaka... " My face grew serious at my words. "I should have been here..." I should have been here to protect my miko... and the one I loved.

He gave me a small smile in return. "Then I would have had too many people to worry about."

I managed a faint smile back at him, trying to mask other emotions, the cold feeling of fear I had felt when I had been unsure if he were hurt, the sense of failure that I had not been here to help. I watched the snow swirl at my feet silently.

He spoke suddenly a moment later, his voice curious. "Ne... what were they all talking about this morning?"

Off to our side, Miaka yawned and wandered over to the shrine, her eyes narrowed in concentration as she tried to read the writing.

I flushed furiously, lowering my widened eyes to watch my hands. I had almost managed to push that from my mind. "This morning..." I was still unsure why it had bothered me so much, their teasing. I should not have taken it as seriously as I had, and yet...

Pulling away from me, he looked at me, his dark eyes worried. "What did they say to you?" His brows lowered as he studied my face.

Giving him a shaky smile, I shook my head, embarrassed at myself for acting so foolish. "Nothing... it was all just silly teasing, really... just..."

"It obviously upset you badly for such casual teasing." His voice was quiet, serious, matching his eyes.

"I'm just not used to it... that's all..." I glanced at Miaka, wondering if she was listening. Slowly, I turned my gaze back to Nuriko. Darkness was still approaching, creeping across the land like some sort of predator. "Well... you heard what they said when you came out... it was all mostly like that..."

He looked away, not meeting my eyes. "I'm sorry..." His voice was low, sad.

"Mmm... this character reminds me of ice cream..." Miaka's soft voice floated across the evening as she spoke to herself, her eyes trained on the ancient writing that adorned the walls of the shrine.

I shook my head slightly, partly at Miaka's comment and partly at his apology. "Why are you sorry?" Pushing my loose hair back, I watched him through the twilight.

"I'm sure I encouraged them... I should have known you would take it hard." He was still not looking up, refusing to meet my gaze.

Reaching out to take his hand, I shook my head. "No." His hand was so cold, even colder than the air around us. I smiled at him. "Just they were hitting pretty close to the mark... asking which one of us was the girl... in bed..." Gods, they had no idea just how close they were hitting, how they were dancing around the truth with their jokes.

Finally, he looked up at me, his eyes and face still a little worried, but a faint smile came to his lips.

"Ah!!" Miaka's voice came in a small exclamation.

I glanced around. "Miaka? What is it?" It was difficult to tell if the cry was a cry of pain or surprise.

Her mournful voice came from the other side of the monument. "I slipped and fell..."

Nuriko hid a smile and pulled away from my hand, his own hand going immediately to his wound. He walked around the monument towards Miaka. I followed after him, watching the dents my footsteps made in the snow beside his. "Are you all right Miaka?" It was then that the snowball came out of nowhere and landed in my face and my vision was blurred by a sudden explosion of white.

Nuriko blinked for a moment before breaking into a peal of laughter.

I blinked as well for a minute before reaching a hand up to wipe the snow from my face. It was cold and in places it stung, but it took everything I had not to laugh. Managing to keep something that resembled a straight face, I turned my eyes to Miaka. "Ahh... I see..." Slowly, keeping my eyes focused on Miaka, I bent down and picked up a handful of snow, shaping the crystalline flakes into a ball. I straightened up. "Since you're my miko, I'll give you three seconds..."

Her eyes widened and a small high-pitched squeak, like a frightened bird, came out. She fled behind Nuriko, using him as a barrier between us. Nuriko turned slightly, trying to move from in front of her. Not overly pleased about being used as a human shield, he tried to escape her again. "Oi!! Hide somewhere else!!"

"No!" Her voice piped up from behind him defiantly.

I laughed slightly, not planning on showing any mercy just because she had a hostage. "Nuriko..." I lobbed the snow ball at them. "Duck!"

He did not duck and the snow ball struck him in the center of his chest. Glaring at me menacingly, he began methodically scooping snow into his good hand. I was busy watching him warily. I never noticed the second snowball. Seeming to take on a life of its own, it came from behind Nuriko and crashed into my shoulder. I heard a small giggle from behind Nuriko and Miaka's face peeked out, grinning evily. I retreated to the other side of the shrine as quickly as I could, nearly slipping on the icy ground.

"Oi..." I heard Nuriko's muffled protest and then a high-pitched giggle from Miaka. She came around the other side, still laughing. Choosing a snow ball from the small pile I had hastily begun, I lobbed it at her, managing to land it in the center of her chest.

"Ah!!" She squeaked as her feet fell out from beneath her and she landed in the snow. Her eyes raised to me in a pitiful pleading look. Grinning, I walked over to her and offered a hand to help her up. "We're even now, ne?"

She grinned back at me. "True." Nuriko must still have been around the other side of the monument. I wondered briefly if I should be worried. Miaka took my hand and I began pulling her up, when, from out of nowhere, a snowball flew and landed in my hair, dripping down my back in a cold slushy stream. I whirled about, dropping Miaka's hand. She fell to the ground with another small noise. My eyes searched the clear expanse of white for my assailant and caught sight of a quick flash of purple as he disappeared behind the monument.

"Nuriko!!!" Miaka exclaimed, rising carefully to her feet- by herself this time. She began stalking towards the stone shrine, obviously blaming him for her fall and not me.

A pile of snow gathered in his arms, Nuriko stepped out from behind the monument. Miaka stopped dead in her tracks and I stepped back. But this time neither of us were his intended targets. "Tamahome!" he shouted, pleased, and tossed the entire bundle of snow at our newly returned friend.

Miaka spun about, nearly losing her tentative balance again. "Tamahome!" she greeted him happily, the worry vanishing from her eyes, blown away by a quick breeze of relief.

"Welcome back, Tamahome..." I said, grinning, running a hand through my hair to remove some of the half-melted snow that still sat there.

"Nuriko!!! Damn you!!!!" Tamahome growled, trying to free himself from the snow that had swarmed about him at Nuriko's hands. His normally dark hair was peppered now with a spray of brilliant white.

Miaka attached herself to him, happy that he was back, that he was safe. The relief was nearly written on her face. "Tamahome!!" He glanced down at her, a strange distant look in his eyes, before managing a small silent smile at her.

Nuriko flashed him a cute grin and wandered over to me, looking smug and quite pleased with himself. I smiled at him slightly, in a much better mood now despite my wet hair and the cold trail of melted snow that ran down my back.

I felt Nuriko glance up at me. "You were saying you had gotten an inn...?"

Tamahome was still sulking, sparing a moment every now and then to glare at Nuriko unhappily before going back to pouting. Miaka, for her part, simply looked happy that he had returned.

I nodded. "Hai... it's not far from here..." Which was a good thing. Darkness had crept closer during our snow battle, and small flickering candle lights appeared in a few of the windows and doorways of the buildings. What few people had walked the streets earlier in the day were gone now, retreated inside to the warmth of a fire and blankets- save for us. And I was quite eager to disappear into the warm walls of an inn for the night as well. Trying not to shiver, I smirked slightly at Miaka and Nuriko. "They'll feed us too."

A quick look passed between the two of them, Miaka's face mirroring the delighted evil grin that Nuriko's face had taken on. "Let's go!!" We set off down the dusky streets, our feet moving lightly, quickly, over the cold crystal snow, leaving small prints that were minutes later erased by a quick breeze that consumed all evidence of our passing.   
  


They were both being complete idiots. I was impressed. I had known Tama could be dense, but this was a little ridiculous.

I was sitting at the small table in the room the four of us were to share, Tamahome to my left, Miaka to my right, and Hotohori across from me. I was studying the two younger members of our expedition, sighing softly to myself, drinking the tea that I had prepared.

"Where are you really from?" Tamahome suddenly burst out as Miaka said, "What's with you?"

It was delicious tea. I set my glass down when I had finished, pleased. Almost fit for an emperor. But I noticed she wasn't drinking hers. She was just watching them.

Tamahome stood, his movements jerky. "Never mind... I need a drink." Miaka watched him silently. I could see how upset she was just by looking at her eyes. Couldn't he see what he was doing to her? I glanced at Hotohori, a little curious as to what she thought. Tamahome disappeared out the door, his feet hastening down the stairs.

Hotohori shook her head, looking a bit unsure, then tilted her head toward me slightly. Understanding immediately what she meant, I stood as well, sighing again.

I glanced at Miaka, giving her a little half-smile. "Just leave it to me." I then left, following Tamahome's path out the door and down the stairs.

I spotted him at a separate table and trotted over to him. I reached out my right hand, just my index finger, and poked his head. "Ta-ma-ho-me!"

His head shot forward and landed in his bowl. I blinked. "All I did was tap a little!!"

"When are you going to understand that your little is different from most people's??" He glared at me, frustrated, after picking his face out of the bowl.

Smiling slightly, I seated myself beside him. "Anyway, Tama-chan, what are you muddling over all by yourself?"

"Shut up," he said, not looking at me.

I gave him a pout, a little offended. "You get mad so easily! You're just like a little kid."

"Give me a break," he muttered. Did he really think he was the only one with stress? Who, after all, had been injured protecting Miaka today?

"Hey, sir!" I called to the bartender, who moved over to our table. "Mix me one part Saichu, three parts Laochu, and four parts Soukoushu." I paused, noting I was hungry too. "And a wonton and some vegetables." I had to watch my weight. No sense in spoiling the empress and wasting what exercise he was getting here.

He nodded assent and walked off to do it.

"What's the matter?" I asked Tamahome, turning my attention back to him.

I gestured with my hand, my bracelets sliding down my wrist. "Didn't you want to say something to Miaka earlier?" I smirked. "If you're so indecisive, someone's going to take Miaka from you."

"Huh?" he asked me, looking puzzled.

"Here you go!" the bartender announced as he returned. "A mix of Saichu, Laochu, and Soukoushu." He handed it to me and I smiled at him. "Thanks," I said, accepting it.

"What is that?" Tamahome asked, peering into my cup.

"It's a Nuriko special... try it." I handed the glass to him. My father had liked to create interesting drinks whenever he could. He could never be satisfied by just going to the bar and ordering like everyone else. I smiled, remembering. This had been the drink he had named after me, when I was small, before Kourin had died.

"Thanks," Tama said, echoing me. He took it from me and tentatively took a sip. "So who would take her?"

I twisted a wry smile. "Like... like me."

He suddenly choked on the drink, spitting about half of it out.

"Don't drink it so fast," I reprimanded him, pleased at the reaction I had gotten.

"But you're gay!!" he exclaimed, staring at me.

I gave him a slight smile. "And happily married." I paused, glancing down to my shimmering bracelets. "It was just an example. But you almost lost her to Hotohori in the beginning. You can't be so careless."

His mood changed to serious as well. "You're right."

I reached over him and took my drink back. "That's not for children, you know."

He glared. "I'm not a child."

I laughed quietly. I knew Miaka and Tamahome would be all right. A slight form suddenly materialized at my elbow. I turned my eyes up to my wife, smiling brightly at her. "Hello. Would you like one too?"

She gave me a curious look. "One what?"

I grinned. "Nuriko Special."

She laughed. "Ah, of course... a Nuriko special..." Her smiled faded a bit. "Thanks... but I can't drink..."

I had forgotten. I pursed my lips. "I knew that..."

"Why?" Tamahome asked curiously.

She just looked at him and smiled flatly, her tone ironic. "I'm pregnant."

I choked in the midst of sipping my drink. She had told!! What was she thinking??

But Tamahome laughed cheerily. "Well, you're the girl in bed! It makes sense!"

She smiled at Tamahome and nodded. "Of course."

Well, at least she wasn't taking the jokes as hard.

Hotohori lightly patted my back. "Smaller sips, my love." Her words nearly dripped with sarcasm.

I gave her a dirty look, but listened to her words. My love... I think I was glowing. "Going to sit?"

Tamahome nodded. "Yeah, Hotohori-sama. There's room."

She nodded again and sat beside me. "I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

I fought the urge to turn and smirk at Tamahome. He, however, glared at me. "Of course not."

For my part, I rested on my elbow, smiling, silent, content, watching her.

She gave me a small smile back, studying me. "Good..." It seemed as if she had just remembered again that Tama was there, for she looked up at him. "Miaka kicked me out of the room. She's changing for bed."

"Oh..." he said, and his expression turned jealous. "Good."

I was still smiling up at her, my head resting on my hand. She was so beautiful...

She gave him a dark look. They had never really gotten along, but I was too glad that she was here to worry about that tonight. "Hai..."

I was completely pleased. "Mm..." I agreed non-committally.

"Ne... Hotohori-sama..." Tamahome started, looking a bit away from us.

Her eyes lifted to him, away from me. "Hai, Tamahome?"

He was frowning slightly. "You've given up... right? On her?"

A little startled out of my reverie, I turned, looking away from her to him.

She blinked. "Tamahome... I'm married and in love with Nuriko..." A little frown rested on her sweet face.

Watching her closely, he simply nodded. I moved back to how I was, smiling at her again, blissful. She loved me... she loved me... Would I ever take that for granted? I certainly hoped not.

She smiled again at me, a bit unsure, but then looked at Tamahome, watching him a moment, almost curiously.

Tama suddenly stood up. "We should sleep then."

His words seemed to me to be in a mist, a fog, not really penetrating into my brain. "Mm..." I agreed again, gazing at her happily.

She nodded. "Hai... we need to search again tomorrow..."

"Well, I'll go get settled in then..." His footsteps pounded up the stairs, lightening as the got to the top. The door to our room creaked open and I heard it shut. All of this was outside of my real knowledge. I had other things to think about.

She glanced at me now that Tama was gone. "Ne... are you all right? You're awfully quiet..."

I suppose I had been, but when important thoughts, such as how much I loved her, burst into my mind, it did not seem as important to talk to Tamahome about drinks and other trivial matters. I reached out my good arm to her, touching her cheek lightly, smiling still. "You're so beautiful..."

"Was that what you were thinking all this time?" she asked me, smiling back.

"Mm..." I said for the third time the night, still smiling at her blissfully.

The bartender returned to the table, dropping off my vegetables and my wonton and glancing down at us. "Would you like drink for the lady too?"

Normally I would have protested that she was a man, but tonight everything was just too wonderful. "No... she's pregnant..." My eyes did not stray from her.

She blinked, a bit surprised, and then quirked the man a nervous smile. She looked back at me as the man walked away. Her face was wary, as if she thought I might be drunk. With a slight smile on my face, completely sober- at least, not intoxicated because of alcohol- I finished my drink and stood. I turned slightly, holding out a hand to her.

She took my hand and I helped her up. "Are you going to tell me why you're in such a good mood?"

I lifted her delicate hand to my lips, kissing it softly. "Yes."

She laughed as I lowered her hand. "Are you going to tell me soon?"

I paused a moment, thinking. "Maybe."

She shook her head. I knew she was not annoyed because she was trying to keep back laughter. "Maybe... ahh... I see."

I gave her a little grin and pulled her quickly into the place behind the stairs. It was dark here, and empty, and not many people, if any, could see us here. I looked up at her, straining my eyes in the dark to make out the ivory of her skin, the shine of her eyes. I stepped toward her, putting my arms around her, hugging her tightly, silent.

She hugged me back, just as tightly, seeming confused. "Nuriko?" Her soft voice was questioning.

I didn't want to worry her any more. I would just live for her, to make her happy. For now, I had other duties- those of a seishi- but when Miaka called Suzaku, as soon as we ascended that mountain tomorrow morning, I could concentrate only on her. I was so happy. "I love you."

She was smiling. I could hear it in her voice. "I love you too..."

I looked up at her, but not as much as I used to. I insisted on wearing the boots that Akito had given me. A little amused, she had agreed to wear regular shoes. I felt shy for some reason. "Ne... kiss me?"

She blinked, the reflection of light in her eyes vanishing for a moment. "Kiss you?" With that, she leaned down and did so.

It was a tender kiss, again not the type one would give to a friend. It didn't demand anything, but promised everything, a vow. It swore faithfulness and kindness and sweetness and gentleness, absolute love. I kissed back, trying to say the same things to her wordlessly, that I would live for her, that I loved her. Everything that I was existed for her.

I pulled slightly away from her, raising my eyes, smiling. I was so happy. Now would be the time.

I reached into the pouch I had kept at my side. I could feel her watching me, seeking my eyes in the darkness. Finally, my fingers came to rest on what I had been looking for amid the change that I had kept there, my prize from the weight-lifting contest. I was having trouble pulling it out, fumbling with the pouch to get it open, but I managed after a moment. I took her hand in my free one, and with only a little difficulty, slid onto her finger the simple silver ring I had purchased.

I coughed, a little embarrassed. "I stole one of your rings to get the size..." My eyes widened as I heard the connotations to that. "But I put it back!!" I exclaimed hurriedly.

She smiled at me, her eyes lowered to the ring, and then she raised them to me again. "It's beautiful..."

I still felt embarrassed. "I got one for me too... that way we match." I looked up at her shyly. "I hope you like it."

She leaned over and touched her lips to my cheek gently. "I love it... thank you."

I smiled again, completely pleased. My previous playfulness returned "All right. We can go to bed now." I gave her a quick grin and dashed out from behind the stairs, quickly grabbing the wonton off the plate, then running up the stairs in the next second, teasingly leaving her behind.

I glanced back once to see her shake her head slightly, amused, and then she followed me slowly up the stairs to the room.   
  


The sun had risen that morning in a barrage of brilliant colors I had not yet seen in this country. The crimsons and scarlets reflected off the snow, like a kaleidoscope or prism, sending rays of beautiful shining colors everywhere. It was breathtaking in its flagrant beauty, but also rather ominous. Sunrises of that color typically foreboded coming storms and foul weather. And just the intensity of the reds that flooded the sky made it appear as though the rising sun was bleeding, dying, even before it reached the sky.

We were climbing up the mountain, Nuriko and myself. Miaka and Tamahome had gone in search of the others to bring them to the mountain. Meanwhile, we would search for the shinzahou and shoot off the flare when we found it. I had managed to convince Tamahome to give us his flare, since ours had already been expended. And so we walked the steep icy trails, somehow managing, for the most part, to keep our footing. The sky was still surprisingly clear. Perhaps the dawn's colorful warning had not been true.

"It's so cold..." Nuriko said, shivering even inside his coat. He hugged his arms around him, trying to hide from the chill.

I smiled at him, a slight smile. He was right; it was cold. "Gomen... we'll be quick, ne? Get back to the warm inn as fast as we can..." I was looking forward to getting out of the icy morning and away from the gusting wind that seemed intent on driving us back down the mountain.

"I hope so." He glanced up, his eyes catching sight of a rather large boulder that rested in front of a huge door. "Is that it...?" It was huge, massive, looking as though it had been fashioned by something greater than human. The boulder set in front of it was equally forbidding, too massive to even think about moving. "It looks right..."

"Hai... " I nodded slowly, not moving my eyes from the door as we finished the walk towards it. I stopped some meters away from it and looked to Nuriko.

He walked over to the boulder, glancing up at it. "It's good that I came..." He, of course, could move the enormous stone as though it weighed nothing, if he wished to. The grin on my face froze and fell as a low growl rumbled across the quiet air of the mountain. It seemed as though the wind had stilled, that all life, all sound, had suddenly stopped, vanished, save for that one menacing sound.

Slowly, almost as though he did not want to see but was forced to, Nuriko turned his head, his eyes widening and focusing on something behind him... behind me. "Hotohori... you need to move." His voice was hushed, urgent, and his eyes did not waver from what he was staring at.

I glanced at Nuriko and slowly turned around, my hand straying to the handle of my sword. Behind me stood a large menacing creature... not quite human... but so close. Reminiscent of some monstrous nightmare given form, perhaps a demon from beyond the reaches of our world, the creature opened its mouth and growled again lowly. Its eyes, in a face scarred by fire, narrowed and focused on us. And in that moment, I knew. It was the Seiryuu seishi that had attacked Nuriko and Miaka yesterday.

Nuriko stepped forward, pushing me behind him, out of the way. Still too stunned by the creature, I did not stop him, but rather tightened my grip around my sword, waiting for the thing to attack, waiting for the inevitable fight to begin.

The thing in front of us opened its mouth and spoke- human speech. "I'll torture you, kill you, eat you, and shit you out!! Then I'll do the same to the other Suzaku seishi and to your miko!!"

His gaze darkening, Nuriko clenched his fists at his side, readying himself. Without turning to look at me, he spoke his voice calm, level. Too calm. "Hotohori... please stay back."

I raised my sword, readying it in a defensive position, and did not answer him. I would not let him fight this alone. This... thing... looked far too strong, too dangerous. I felt my muscles tense, my heart quicken, as the rush of adrenaline that always arrived before a fight came.

A small glow flashed from Nuriko's wrists as his bracelets grew. "Come on then!!" he yelled, challenging the creature.

A piercing shriek cut through the morning as the creature screamed in rage, sounding like a million angry souls crying out at once. He charged, shoving Nuriko back against a rock. I was knocked to the ground as they flew past me. Sharp claws tore into flesh as the monster pinned him to stone. Nuriko cried out once, in pain, in surprise, but dodged quickly, avoiding a sudden avalanche of white overpowering ice and snow that covered the Seiryuu seishi.

Jumping to my feet, I cried out in alarm, but stifled it as I saw Nuriko dodge to safety. Blood flowed slowly from the cuts in his skin beneath his torn clothing. He had not been hurt seriously. I raised my sword again, watching as the snow buried the wolfish being.

Like one of the immortal monsters in tales of old, the Seiryuu seishi leapt out of the snow, growling in rage. He slammed a punch into Nuriko's face, sending blood scattering across it. And then he turned to me. His animal's eyes met mine, and in that moment I could feel his rage, and I shared it. He had attacked the one I loved. The price for spilling Nuriko's blood would be severe; I would see to that. Resting lightly on my feet, I watched him approach, poised to strike, sword ready in my hands.

From behind the creature, Nuriko's voice came, yelling loudly. The large animalistic man turned back, infuriated still, and threw a left-handed punch. Nuriko dodged and the beast's fist landed against a rock wall. Quickly, his movements a blur of small agile motions, Nuriko pushed himself off his opponent's back and his eyes turned to look down, for the shortest second.

"Nuriko!" I cried out, my voice echoing across the mountain air as I charged towards the two of them, my sword held parallel to the ground, trained on the creature, prepared for a killing blow even as I ran. But I was not quick enough. The Seiryuu seishi turned, pushing his wicked claw into the left side of Nuriko's chest, completely through it. I screamed once, seeing his small body, so delicate-looking beside the beast he fought, impaled upon the tearing claw. His scarlet seishi symbol flickered momentarily, sporadically, and time seemed to stop for a moment.

I reached them at that moment and drove my sword through the creature, propelling it forward with all my anger... and all my fear. The Seiryuu seishi fell, and Nuriko managed to pull himself off the claw before the now-motionless body fell to the ground, seeming to shake the earth. Nuriko landed on his feet, but quickly fell backwards, sitting. His breath came in short gasps, and blood trickled from the sides of his mouth. Almost disbelieving, I watched as he raised a small hand to the gaping hole in his chest. "Oh... this doesn't look too good..." His voice was strained with pain, weariness.

I dropped to my knees beside him, my eyes and my heart frantic. "Nuriko..." No. This was not happening. He was so small, so fragile-looking in that moment, his small frame nearly doubled over in pain, his crimson blood leaking onto the snow, staining it where it fell. Taking a deep ragged breath, he pushed himself up, slowly, painfully, rising to his feet. Almost as though defying his wound, he raised his eyes to the boulder that still lay before the great doors of the cave where the shinzahou lay. "I still have to do that..." He began walking towards it, his steps staggering and a small trail of blood-tinted snow behind him.

"Iie!! Don't! Don't move... you're hurt... just stay still... the others will be here soon!!" I protested, my voice frantic. He was killing himself. I had never seen anyone hurt so badly before. He should not have been able to move. I had to stop him. But all I could do was watch in something near horror as he lifted the boulder.

"No... I have to move this..." Straining, blood flowing freely from the gash in his side and dripping slowly from his mouth, he somehow managed to pick up the boulder and move it. I had still been kneeling where he first fell, surrounded by the scarlet halo his blood had created on the snow, but then I stood and ran to him. "Nuriko... please." My voice was scared. I was terrified. He should not be moving. The others would be here soon. They had to be. If he just stopped... "Stop... please," I pleaded quietly. He stood still a moment more and turned to me, his familiar beautiful face stained with his dark blood. A small faint smile flickered on his lips, his eyes meeting mine for the briefest instant. And he fell.

I watched as time slowed, the moment taking forever, as the man I loved fell, unmoving, upon the snow. Dying. Dropping once again to my knees beside him, I screamed, my voice echoing across the empty mountain expanse. "NURIKO!!!!"   


  


Part Eighteen

  
  
  


How ironic.

I could feel the blood filling my lungs, drowning me. If one considered that life was often thought to reside in the blood, then it was my own life that was killing me slowly.

Amazingly ironic.

I couldn't feel the chill of the snow anymore. I rested on my back, the tear in my body leaking my life all over the ground, but I was hardly aware of it. Everything seemed slow, as if I could think several times faster than things were happening. But what bothered me was that I was having trouble moving.

The blue sky lit up the world around me. It was so pretty. A rather stunning azure. I wondered why it hadn't been so blue yet while we were here.

I felt so light, as if I could float away. What held me here? The sky was so beautiful... yet something dragged me down, pinning me to the earth, keeping me captive. I slowly moved my eyes and saw there was a hand touching me, a voice calling my name, tears falling onto my chest. Part of the sapphire of the sky was obscured by a dark head.

Tears...

I could feel the blood just draining out of me. If I did not die from that, then I would die because I could not breathe. I did not have the energy to cough, and that most likely would just have made things worse in any case.

They were Hotohori's tears...

For me.

Why was she crying? Was I truly dying? I knew that if I died now, everything would be all right, but still...

She was pregnant. Mitsukake would watch over her and make sure she went through the pregnancy and labor fine, that our child was healthy. They didn't need me.

Inside that door lay the shinzahou. With that, Miaka could call Suzaku. They didn't need me.

Hotohori was the emperor. An empress was not needed to rule. They didn't need me.

But... she was crying...

I struggled for a moment, summoning up the strength to raise a hand to her cheek, to still the tears, to tell her she would be fine. That was when I discovered that I was near tears as well.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to love her for a long time. I wanted to watch her rule Kounan as the best emperor ever. I wanted to keep her warm at night and hear her soft breath in my ear in the morning. I wanted slowly bring out the personality and brightness that had been trapped behind palace walls, stifled under the robes of her office, for so long. I wanted to know that this gentle, sweet person loved me as long as she lived and that I loved her too for as long as I lived.

That didn't seem to be like it was going to be very long.

I wanted to see my baby. I wanted to see our child in her arms. I wanted to teach the future ruler of the country the songs Kourin and I used to sing when we were smaller.

But most of all, I just wanted her to be happy. I loved her so much. I opened my lips and what came out was a ghostly whisper of my voice. "Hotohori..."   
  


His blood was flowing onto my hands. The sash that had held my coat closed around me was now pressed up against the tear in his side and I held it in place, keeping it there, trying to stop the blood. Nuriko lay still, unmoving on the snow, his chest rising and falling in ragged breaths, choked short and labored. Tears fell from my eyes, unheeded, unstopping. They dropped silently from my cheeks onto his chest, onto the snow, mingling with his flowing blood.

He was dying. Dying. I had been too slow to save him, too slow to stop that creature. It was my fault. He had been protecting me, calling the beast away from me, distracting it. My fault. And I had been too late, too slow to help.

I kept the sash pressed firmly against his wound, willing the blood to stop, watching his face, drawn in pain. The wind blew furiously around us, throwing my hair into my face so hard that it stung as it struck my tear-stained cheeks. But I did not notice. The one I love lay dying before me, and all I could do was hope, pray against the impossible, my hands pressing against him and his blood staining them.

I had known I loved him; I had never doubted that, but I had never realized how much I had grown to need him... until then. It was as though I were watching a piece of myself die. I could not imagine going on without him. Tears, impossible to hold back, came quicker now. I needed him. I was having his baby, his child. I needed him to be there, to raise our child. I needed to be able to wake up nights and see his gentle sleeping face. I needed to hear his voice whispering to me softly. I needed his laughter and his smile, that soft mysterious smile that I had finally begun to understand.

It would not be life without him there. I loved him so much, so much... and all I could do was kneel beside him and cry. He was hurting so badly, but selfishly I wanted him to hold on, despite the pain. I wanted to live the rest of forever with him. Nothing would be right if he were gone. Everything was wrong. My entire world lay in front of me on the snow, bleeding slowly from a wound I had been useless to prevent. Useless. Tears came endlessly, but brought no comfort. He was dying. I was so frightened. I could not lose him- I loved him too much.

"Nuriko..." I whispered, my voice hushed, broken. "Please... Nuriko... hold on. The others will be here soon. You'll be all right." Empty promises. "You'll be fine- you have to be." Desperate pleas. "Nuriko..." I felt that if I kept calling his name... perhaps, perhaps he would hold on. Time was moving so slowly. Where were the others? I had set off the flare just after Nuriko had fallen. It had shot into the sky, flashing once like lightning, illuminating the mountain in a hellish, surreal light. They had to come soon. They had to.

Shaking my head slightly, I turned my eyes back to Nuriko. Would these be my last moments with him? Would I ever wake to his smiling face and sweet laughter again? Would I ever feel his gentle lips against mine again?

Would I ever be able to tell him again how much I loved him?

"I love you..." I whispered fiercely, afraid it may be the last time I spoke those words to him. "I love you."

I shut my eyes for a moment against the tears, but they came anyway. A soft gentle hand was suddenly touching my cheek, brushing away my tears. My eyes shot open to see him looking at me, his dark eyes haunted.   
  


I was weakly trying to brush away her tears from her perfect cheeks, vaguely wondering why my body was not responding to commands that I gave it. "Hotohori..."

She seemed a bit surprised to hear my voice, her tear-soaked eyes widening slightly. "Nuriko..." She was crying so hard, the liquid crystal dancing from her eyes, shimmering on her cheeks, falling to their death. "Shh... lie still... the others will be here soon..." Was I really in that bad shape? Why was she so worried? If I could only get up to hold her...

My voice sounded so awful. Weak. It was hard to speak. I could feel the blood in my throat when I tried to breathe. I didn't quite hurt, but I was drowning. "You... shouldn't have helped.... you could have... gotten hurt..."   
  


His words struck me much like a slap across the face. I lowered my eyes to look at my hand where the small silver ring he had given me rested, simple but beautiful, and perfect. I remembered the look on his face when he had given it to me, so shy, but so trusting, childlike. Tears clouded my eyes anew. The ring was dulled now by the blood that had seeped onto it. His blood. God, so much blood. No. It was not true. I would not lose him. I could not... no... "You shouldn't have fought him alone... I couldn't let you..." But I had let him. I hadn't been able to help him. And now he was dying. Dying. No.

His hand still touching my cheek he spoke again, his eyes wandering to the sky, looking so distant, so far away. I was losing him... and I could not fight it. "You... have to stay... safe..." He paused a moment, his chest rising slightly, in an effort to cough, but no sound came out. He was too weak. I felt my heart wrench within my chest. "I have to... protect you..."

My tears fell harder now. I could not stop him. All I could do was watch him, my hands holding my sash over the gaping tear in his side. Everything was crimson with his blood, everything. "Nuriko..." There was so much I needed to say, so much... and no words came to my lips. I wanted to tell him... how much I loved him, that I knew how much he had done for me, how much he had added to my life. I wanted to tell him... but only silence came and a new wave of never-ending tears.   
  


I forced my eyes back to her, away from the sky that called me. I had to stay here. She was crying... My hand was still at her cheek. "Don't cry... everything will be... all right..." I could not understand why my voice wouldn't obey. I wanted to speak clearly, like I usually did, but my mouth was full of blood too. There was too much blood. And not enough of it was inside me anymore.

She nodded, trying to force back her tears and fighting to control her voice. "The... the others will be here soon... they have to be..."

She was trying to reassure herself more than she was me. My hand dropped, but not because I wanted it to- I couldn't hold it up anymore. "I wanted..." Pain suddenly shot through my body and I shut my eyes briefly, the blue of the sky scattering. "To protect... you... both of you..." She carried my child, the future of our country. I stiffened again, the pain washing over me again. Was this it? But at least the last thing I would see would be her face.   
  


My eyes mirrored the fright that I felt deep down in the bottom of my soul, the cold chill that had flowed through my entire body. I pushed it away, frantically praying for something beyond a miracle. My voice came, a desperate whispered plea. "Nuriko..." The blood from his side was slowing, but I doubted from healing. He had lost so much blood. So much. "Nuriko..." I called again, sounding choked even to my own ears, "Please."

Blinking as though the light from the sun pained them, his eyes fluttered open, still looking so distant as he slipped further and further away. He breathed, a horrible shallow sound as though he were drawing his last breath. "I... love you... "

I was on the verge of sobbing, tears falling again from my eyes despite my best efforts otherwise. "I love you too... forever... Nuriko..."

He raised his eyes to me, smiling weakly. His lips parted slightly and he looked as though he wanted to say something, but the words fell unspoken, melting into the snow that surrounded him, colored with his spilled life. I shut my eyes, forcing myself not to think of life without him, knowing that everything would be empty. I wanted to lie beside him there in the snow forever, not caring, just knowing I could not lose him.

A dark shadow fell across that and I raised my eyes suddenly, afraid again to see who or what it was. Mitsukake knelt on the other side of Nuriko facing me, concern and determination written across his face and dark eyes. A wave of shaky relief washed through me as I watched the silent healer raise his hand over Nuriko's still body. A soft green light that refracted and reflected of the snow and tinged everything a surreal dreamlike color came softly from his hand and fell upon Nuriko and his wound began to close, I pulled my hands away alarmed. Chiriko struggled up behind him, stopping as his eyes caught sight of the blood, the carnage that lay around us.   
  


I stirred slightly, feeling heat, feeling the blood drain from my lungs. I opened my eyes slowly and found myself looking at the dark face of Mitsukake. Was I still alive?

He shut his hand, the green light dazzling away. His dark eyes found mine and a weary smile decorated his face, both young and old at the same time.

I slowly moved a hand to my chest, touching it lightly, afraid. My hand met only cloth. I looked up at him, startled. There was nothing there. No hole in my chest, no blood, no sign of any wound except the large amounts of blood that lay freezing in the snow. My wide eyes turned to Hotohori as I sat up, the cold from the snow penetrating my clothing, now also fixed. I looked back to the healer, amazed. "I... thank you..." My body was starting to shiver. Apparently the blood had not been replaced.

That was the first time I noticed Chiriko standing in the background. I gave him a slight smile. Someone so young should not have to see so much blood... but was I that much older?   
  


I turned my eyes up to the tall man who towered over me even as we both knelt in the snow and gave him a look of pure gratitude. "Thank you." My voice was still a quiet whisper, barely audible in the windy mountain. Mitsukake nodded to both of us, his face still weary, but happy. Chiriko wandered up behind Mitsukake, silent, glancing up only a bit at the kneeling healer. But my eyes barely noticed, they had turned back to Nuriko, tears of fear still falling from them unheeded.

He was going to be all right. The miracle I had believed impossible had happened. Nuriko... I wanted to throw my arms around him and just hug him, but I knew he was still weak, his slender form shaking from cold and blood loss. And a small frown lay on his face as he looked at me. "I said I'd protect you... I didn't want you in danger..."

I looked back at him, so relieved to see him whole again after what had happened, but still shaken, scared. The only one in the world I truly loved had almost died before my eyes. I could not imagine... "What about you? You nearly died, Nuriko." What would I have done if he had died? I did not want to think about it. I wanted to leave this mountain, I wanted to run, leave behind the blood and the fear that still soaked the glittering snow, forever tainting this ground. I was scared, angry at myself. It had not been me lying in the snow dying... but still I was so scared. I had never understood just how much he meant to me before then. I loved him so much. And I had nearly lost him.

Mitsukake gave Chiriko a small smile, trying to reassure the boy that things would be all right.   
  


I frowned darkly, forcing myself not to state the obvious. I had been saving her- that was why I had gotten injured. "I couldn't let you get hurt," I said stubbornly. I stood slowly, very shakily. I felt light. I wondered how on earth my heart was still pumping if all my blood lay on the ground around me.

Chiriko was watching me from behind Mitsukake, but walked a bit away, giving us worried looks.

A sudden voice broke through the tension, but did not break it. "What happened? Did you find it?" Miaka called, coming into view, half-covered in snow. I saw her eyes widen as she registered the blood, but she was unsure from where it had come.

Hotohori remained at my feet, not rising, kneeling in the snow looking up at me. "You can't risk yourself for me... do you.... do you have any idea what life would be like without you?" Her voice was unsteady, tears still lightly tracing a path down her face.

Miaka blinked, seeing what was going on, and slowly backed away. Unfortunately, it was into Tamahome. He too just watched, silent.

My voice was harsh, almost angry, but I didn't want to direct it at her. I had been so frightened for both of us. "I know I couldn't let him touch you! You're the one who is important here! The country can't go on without you!" And it was true. If we lost her...

If I lost her...   
  


The anger in his voice stung, but I could feel the anger in my own chest rising, fed by fear that refused to fade. Didn't he understand what losing him would mean to me? Didn't he see? "And I couldn't go on without you, don't you understand that?!" My voice was partly angry, partly frantic, but still as quiet as the snow covered fields of this desolate country. A flame-haired blur of life raced onto the clearing, stopping abruptly as though the tension in the air were a tangible field. His eyes shone curiously but he remained for the moment silent. Chichiri came up behind the bandit, a bit slower, more wary, his masked face glancing around as though he expected to see something. Perhaps he had sensed the ki that had flared during the battle that seemed to be so long ago.

How long had it been? How long had he bled into the snow, clinging painfully to life? How long had I prayed for something, anything that would help? Minutes? Hours? Days? An eternity for all it was concerned, but it was over now. It was over now. It was all right. Wasn't it?

Tamahome and Miaka continued to watch us. I could feel their eyes on us, nervous, afraid to speak, unsure of what was going on between us. Chiriko stood not far away from them, averting his wide eyes and glancing off elsewhere, his child's body shivering as he stood knee deep in snow that barely crested the boots of most of us.

Nuriko glared at me, his eyes flashing with more energy than he should have been able to call upon. "And you're pregnant!!" His voice seemed to echo and reverberate forever across the mountain side, repeating the words over and over as though nature itself were accusing me. I froze, his words cutting into me, my body completely stiff as I knelt simply looking up at him for a long moment. I could feel the stares of the others, driving through me like knives. How could that be true? they were wondering. And slowly, they were beginning to see the truth. The lie I had built around myself that had shielded me so long fell completely. Nuriko's eyes were still narrowed, a glare thrown in my direction. I tried to hold it back. I tried, I truly did, but I could not help it. The sob escaped and I buried my face in my hands, barely noticing that they were still stained with his blood. It was too much.   
  


I froze, the realization of what I had just done hitting me so hard that I nearly fell physically. I turned frightened eyes to the staring faces of my friends, my fellow seishi, and my miko. My face darkened momentarily, but I turned back toward her. I took a step in her direction, almost afraid of her. "Hotohori... I..."

She was still crying, though harder now, her shoulders shaking slightly. And she wouldn't look up at me. Her voice was a faint whisper between her sobs. "I'm sorry..."

The guilt was remarkable. I moved quickly down to her, kneeling in the snow, my entire body shaking with cold. I hugged her tightly. What had I done? I had broken my promise to the one who meant the most to me in the world. Had there ever existed anyone so foolish as me? "No... no... I was wrong... please forgive me... I'm so sorry..." I leaned my head against her shoulder, comforting myself as well. She was here. I was here. We were both still alive. Everything would be all right if we were together. But the seishi knew... "I was so scared for you... I'm sorry..."   
  


Still unable to stop crying, I clutched onto him tightly, fearing irrationally that if I let him go I would lose him. I shook my head. I just wanted it all to be over. Everything should have been all right now, but his eyes had been so hard, his voice so angry. "Iie... I'm sorry... I... I almost lost you... I can't lose you... I can't..." And I could not lose him. He was everything, the one I loved, the father of the child that grew within me.

I knew the others were starting to understand what was going on around them, but I did not care. I barely noticed them. His hand reached up, gently stroking my hair. "Don't... I'm here... I'm here... I'm not going anywhere. I love you too much." His voice was soft, barely whispered into my ear.

Tamahome's eyes were still focused on us, on me. "Wait... he wasn't kidding?? He's really pregnant???" His voice was incredulous. Another voice answered his question with another inquiry. "Huh?" It was Miaka, her voice puzzled, confused.

Still holding onto Nuriko tightly, I nodded into his shoulder, ignoring the words of the others. "I love you too... I was so scared..." I had come so close to losing him.

"Something like that no da, Tamahome-kun." Chichiri said, tracing a picture in the snow with his staff. The flame-haired bandit blinked, his shifty eyes widening with sudden realization. "Shit.. the emperor's not a fag... he's a fucking female!" He spat out the final word as though it were some kind of curse.   
  


Tamahome was staring at Tasuki. "He's a girl???"

I lightly kissed the top of her head, shivering still. "I had to keep my promise..." Well, at least my most important one- to keep her safe. But we would talk about the other later, I was sure.

"He's having a baby?" piped up Chiriko's feminine voice. Was the child really that innocent?

Miaka gave him a joyful look. "Hotohori is having a baby?"

"Aww, man... shit, a woman's been ruling the god-damned country!" Tasuki grumbled. I was in no mood for him. I had nearly lost my wife and my life- they were so close to the same. If I lost one, the other went with it as well.

She just nodded, silent, her breathing slowly returning to normal, but for those little gasping sobs one gets after they cry very hard.

"Anou... your pronouns are a bit off no da, Chiriko-chan," Chichiri interrupted a little warily.

Mitsukake smiled a Miaka slightly. The look on his face indicated that he wondered whether she understood what was going on or not in this situation.

But she was completely delighted. "I love babies!"

Chiriko blinked. "You're right..." he said to Chichiri, nodding a bit.

I kept my voice- thankfully able to speak without blood clouding my throat- soft and gentle when I spoke to her. "Are you all right?"   
  


Tasuki's voice was mystified, but still bitter, almost angry. "Shit... just... shit." I could not blame him, I suppose. I would not blame any of them for their anger towards me now that they knew I had been lying to them since we met. I did not fear them revealing my secret; even the bandit had more honor than that. No, I feared their thoughts, their accusing looks, their judgments.

I simply nodded again to Nuriko's question, staying silent. But whatever came of this paled in comparison to what had just happened. Nuriko was alive, saved by a miracle, and that was truly all that mattered.

He tried to stand then, nearly falling over in the process, teetering weakly. Leaning heavily on me, he caught himself, managing to keep to his feet. I supported him as best I could as I stood beside him and, for the first time, turned my eyes to the others. I stood before them, completely revealed for what I was- a lie- and I was afraid. I should not have been- it was shameful- but I was. Trying not to show my emotions, I watched each of their faces in turn, holding tightly to my husband, helping support him, but also drawing strength from the fact that he was there.

Tamahome's eyes stared at Tasuki silently, as though he were thinking, weighing things in his mind. Beside him, Miaka looked positively delighted. I doubted she quite understood what was going on. It was difficult to take in all that was happening at once. "Wai wai!" her voice came, barely contained in its excitement.

Tasuki, casting a wary glance at me turned his gaze to Tamahome. "Shit, you realize what this means don't you?"   
  


I slipped an arm around her waist, using her as support physically, but also trying to support her emotionally. I turned strong, defiant eyes to the others.

"What?" Tama asked, his face looking a little less horrified.

"The ruler of the country is a fucking woman," Tasuki exclaimed incredulously.

Tamahome seemed confused as to why this upset Tasuki so much. "Yeah..." he trailed off.

She had dropped her eyes to the blood shimmering on the snow, flinching slightly in my arms.

I was angry. I was very very angry. I was tired of the way Tasuki had been hurting her. I was tired of his attitude towards women. This combined with blood loss, adrenaline let-down, and his comments did not make things bode well for him. "Shut up, Tasuki," I said, glaring, my voice cold and hard.

Tamahome looked at me and blinked, having never heard me speak that way before.   
  


The bandit's eyes widened and he blinked, quickly stopping the string of words from his mouth.

Nuriko lifted his eyes up to me and spoke, his voice quiet. "You're still all right?" I nodded at him, giving him a small smile. And I was. I knew that this would not end here, that I would need to see this through at another time. But life went on. Life. He was alive. The others watched us quietly, even Tasuki who looked to be in physical pain with the effort. Mitsukake watched us, a small reassuring smile on his calm face. Not far from him, Chichiri watched us, looking on the verge of saying something, or perhaps not.   
  


I looked hard at the group that stood before me. "We're going to go back to the inn. I moved the rock for you." And I had. No matter what had happened, I had served my miko. But in the state I was, I would not be much help. And neither would my beautiful wife. I wondered if she was shaking with cold or with stress. My face softened slightly as I looked at them again. I suddenly felt so young, afraid. "I'm not doing well..."

Chichiri nodded. "Of course no da. Go rest no da, Nuriko-kun." Gratefully, I nodded in response. At least the monk had regained his maturity from this morning.

Hotohori lowered her eyes to me, worry apparent in them. Mitsukake also looked at me, concerned. "You'll be weak for a while, Nuriko... you've lost much blood..."

Not looking at him, I smiled up at her gently. "I'll be fine." And I would. She was here. I dropped my gaze to the rest of them. "Thank you."

As we made our descent down the mountain, I heard a choked voice. "She... she kissed Miaka..." said a stunned Tamahome.

"And Nuriko kissed you!" Miaka announced cheerfully.

Well, at least it all evened out.   


  


Part Nineteen

  
  
  


We walked in silence, our feet cold and wet as we crunched through the snow. Nuriko leaned against me somewhat heavily, as quiet as the air around us. I glanced over at him occasionally, concerned, but kept my eyes mostly focused on the glossy ground in front of us.

"I'm sorry." He spoke softly, his eyes not straying from the ground.

I turned my eyes to face him, confused. My voice reflected what I felt inside, and when I spoke, my tone was puzzled. "Why?"   
  


I couldn't let go of her, but I couldn't face her. My steps were uneven, creating staggered patterns in the snow. "Because... I didn't mean to worry you."

Her quiet voice sounded so close to my ear. "It wasn't your fault..." She paused for a moment, our footsteps the only sound. "Don't be sorry... please."

I was silent. It was my fault. Everything she had gone through had been my fault. If only I hadn't been so stubborn, I would have let her help. If only I had been willing to look weaker instead of pretending to be more than I was. If only I could have been faster, stronger, smarter, then she would not have suffered because of me. But she, of course, would deny it. I could only agree. "Yes," I said simply.   
  


I cast my eyes away back to the ground and silence took us again, wrapping us deep within its still folds. The chill in the air was almost tangible; it brushed past my skin, trailing its long icy fingers across my neck, down my back, through the heavy clothing I wore.

He broke the uneasy silence, seeming a bit unsure what to say. His voice was uncomfortable. "I'm just glad you're all right." His voice was strong now, normal, not choked and whispered as it had been when he had lain on the snow surrounded by his blood.

I did not look at him, rather keeping my eyes focused on my footsteps through the snow. My shoes were drenched now and the cold was seeping through to my skin. Finding my voice, I replied, still not glancing at him. "I'm all right... but you almost... you nearly..." I could not bring myself to say the word. He had almost... But no, it was all right now. He was all right. But no thanks to me. I had not been able to do anything. At all. "And I couldn't do anything. I'm sorry."

His grip about my waist tightened slightly. "I..." he began, but then the words ceased for a moment, the silence creeping closer once again. "I'm sorry... I... I just couldn't let him touch you..."   
  


Her eyes turned to me. "No more apologies, ne? It's over now... you're fine and that's all that matters." Did she really believe that? Did anything just end like that?

I was quiet again, but just nodded, unwilling to voice my opinion. I remained silent.

I could tell by the way she was holding me, the position of her body, the stiffness of her limbs, that she was uncomfortable, but she was also silent, unsure what to say to me.

I spoke suddenly, softly, destroying the silence with only a few words. "It's all right now, right?"

She looked at me, her eyes a bit surprised. "Yes... it's all right now..."

Was it?   
  


Nodding slightly, he moved closer to me, leaning against me, his small form shivering, shaking from cold and the memory of pain he had just experienced. I stopped walking for a minute, slowly pulling away from him. "Ne..." I began as I slid out of my coat which flew open in the wind since the sash that had once held it together lay blood stained and forgotten in the snow. "Here." I held out the jacket to him. "You're freezing."

He shook his head, his dusky violet eyes looking worried. "I can't... please keep it." His beautiful face, so frightened, so haunted still. He reached out a hand to touch mine, his fingers brushing lightly over my skin, his wide eyes reflecting the memories of horror that the blood that still stained my hands brought back. "You... we need to clean up..." His voice was whispered, a soft sound that fell from his lips and died completely, its sound destined for no echo in the snowy mountainside we now walked on.   
  


She was covered in blood. My blood. It even stained her lovely face, so pure, as white as the snow on which we trod. I wouldn't take her coat, no matter what. I still would protect her. And our child. I couldn't allow her to be cold. I had to remember that I came after both of them in everything. It was all right.

She nodded slowly. "Hai... we do..." She slipped back into her coat. "I'm sure we can find a hot bath or something back at the inn..." Her dark eyes lowered to her hands and then turned back to me, a faint smile resting on her lips. "I love you." She smiled a very small, slightly sad smile at me. "I was afraid I'd never be able to tell you that again..." She seemed to realize we had stopped walking and started again, slowly.

I reached out a hand to her, stopping her. She turned to me and I moved beside her, hugging her tightly to me, not caring that my blood- still wet- was covering her. "I love you too... I love you too... you were the only thing that kept me alive... I was so afraid and it hurt so much... But..." I tightened my arms around her. "You were crying..."   
  


I hugged him back, my arms around him tightly. It had been selfish, I suppose, begging him to stay despite the pain, but I was so glad he had. Without him... I banished the thought from my mind, managing to banish the tears that once again threatened my eyes as well. My voice abandoned me and I could not tell him how happy I was that he was with me, how he was my everything, how I would not have been able to go on without him. In that moment, standing in snow that went past my ankles and whipped furiously by bitter wind, with my arms around him, everything was perfect, and strangely enough, safe and warm.

He spoke, his voice thick with something held down, held back. "We should go..."

Agreeing, I nodded. "Hai, we should..." Despite my acquiescence, I did not yet release him, remaining for just a moment with my arms around him. I pulled away then, stepping back into the cold and just watching him. He was weak from spilling so much blood, and his normally pale skin was a shade lighter. Standing there as he was, in the snow, he looked like a fairy creature, just stepped out of a fantasy, beautiful, surreal.

He looked up at me, smiling slightly, the smile I had thought I would never see again. "I'd race you back to the inn, but you have a slight chance of winning this time..."

I smiled back at him. "Hai..."   
  


We made it back to the inn and to our room, mostly quiet the rest of the way. I was freezing, so when we finally arrived, I nearly threw myself in front of the fire in the fireplace in our room. The snow melted quickly and soaked my clothes even more. I had to change.

I tugged off my clothes, still remaining close to the fire, shivering in the chill air, the ambiance of the room slightly uncomfortable.

I glanced to my right and saw Hotohori, out of her coat and her shirt. Both were covered with blood and laying by the door. She was clothed only in her pants, damp from kneeling in the snow and spotted with blood, and the tight cloth she used to bind her chest, sitting on the bed. She pulled her knees up to her chin, her toes at the edge of the bed. "I don't suppose I'll really need this..." She gestured to the binding with a hand. "For the rest of the trip..."

I paled slightly and looked away, my voice faint in the cold. "Of course..." I stepped over to where I had tossed my clean clothes earlier, frowning slightly as I saw nothing I really wanted to wear.

She nodded. "Hai... they seemed to take it well... although I don't doubt I'll have to give them some sort of explanation..."

I knew it wouldn't be that simple. "Of course..." I repeated, digging through my clothes again, facing away from her.   
  


Fingering the small ring that still encircled my finger, twisting it around absently, I lifted my eyes to him and watched him silently, my head tilted to the side. Thoughts darted through my mind, each passing within a moment and giving way to the next. He was still shivering, shaking as he searched for something to wear.

Sighing softly, he stopped rummaging, seeming to notice my silence. "I didn't mean to... I didn't want to break my promise..." He hugged his arms around his bare chest, perhaps trying to ward off a chill of the air, or perhaps a chill from another place. "I wasn't even thinking about them... just you."

I kept my voice quiet as I spoke, still hugging my knees to my chest. "I know..." I knew he had not meant to reveal my secret to the others, but so much else had happened. My eyes were still focused on him, studying his kneeling form. No scar marred his perfect skin, no trace remained now of his brush with death. His long hair trailed down his back, coming loose of the braid that held it back, shining violet in the dim light of the room. "It's all right..."

He had not moved, his arms still tightly around him, still on his knees by his clothes. "I promised..."

"I know, but it's all right..." I was staring down at my hands again, playing absently with my ring once more, drawing some sort of comfort from the feel of the cold metal band against my skin. "I almost lost you today... it put a lot of things in perspective very quickly. Some things just aren't that important." And they were not. Yes, I was afraid of what the others would think, say, do... but it did not matter nearly as much.   
  


I slowly turned my eyes to her, almost afraid to face her. I had betrayed her, broken my word. I stood, a bit wobbly, and took hesitating, small steps toward her. I looked down, not meeting her deep eyes. "I do love you," I said softly.

She raised her eyes to me. "I love you too... more than anything."

I looked up then, watching her a moment. The guilt draped itself across my shoulders like a heavy cloak, soaked with rain. Devoid of any idea what to say, I leaned down and kissed her on the lips, wanting to show her how sorry I was, needing to show her how much I loved her. She kissed back, shutting her eyes. And I was suddenly afraid, because I couldn't understand, as I always had, what she was telling me with this kiss. Almost in desperation, I moved my hand to the back of her head, tangling it gently in her hair. She reached out and took my other hand, trying to gently tug me to sit beside her. I wondered for a moment what she wanted, sure I was incapable of anything but kissing, but in the midst of this, between her pulling me and my loss of balance, I fell onto the bed. A little startled by the change in altitude, I gave her a little half-smile.

It was then that it hit me. Things would work out. I was still alive. She was still alive. Our baby was fine. And that was all that mattered. I loved her and she loved me. My smile increased slightly.   
  


"Gomen..." I apologized, smiling back at him.

He laughed quietly and moved over to me. It was so wonderful to hear his laughter again. "Not your fault I have no balance." His eyes met mine and I simply watched him, still smiling. Suddenly, he sat straight up, his eyes positively sparkling with an idea of some sorts. "I've got it!!!"

I blinked, confused. "Got what?"

He stood and burst out the door, disappearing into the relative dimness of the hallway before reappearing a second later, cuddling a soft blue outfit in his hands. "Yes..." he spoke to himself, seeming quiet pleased. I, for my part, simply blinked at him again, still confused. He certainly appeared to be in better spirits... for the moment at least.   
  


With goosebumps all over my skin, I slid on the shirt. It was so soft and warm. Of course, most anything would seem warm to me at that point. I gave her a slightly embarrassed look as I slid off my pants. Though we had been married nearly three months now, I was still shy about some things. I tugged on the other, which were slightly large, and then went to sit beside her again, warmer and dryer than I had been. "Much better."

She laughed, her lovely musical voice dancing out into the air. "Good." She then peered a little harder at me. "Those look slightly familiar..."

I grinned. "They're Tamahome's."

She laughed again. The sound was so beautiful to me. Did she have any idea how perfect she was? "Stealing clothes from Tamahome?"

I gave her a triumphant smile. "I look better in them anyway." And that was true.

She nodded. "You're right..."

And if the emperor of the country said it, it became law. I smirked.

My thoughts suddenly turned around and I grew serious. I reached a hand out to her cheek, lightly touching it, the fragile flower petal of pink and white skin. "Ne... Hotohori..."

Her dark eyes turned to me. I could see my reflection in her eyes. I almost feared looking into her eyes. I was always torn. I wanted to look at her forever... but I didn't want to lose myself... and yet I did... "Hai?" she asked softly, interrupting my musings.

My voice contained the seriousness I was feeling. I could not figure out whether what I was feeling was for her or for me. "I'm here now... I won't leave you. I promise." Were my words for me too? Was I afraid? I reached out my other hand to lightly touch her stomach, my eyes not leaving her face. My child slept there. Our child. I had to be here for her. I couldn't leave her. "My word isn't much good anymore... but I want to see my baby." I gave her a tiny smile. "And I want to be with you."   
  


I looked back at him, feeling his hand still against my stomach where our child grew. Looking back at him, I felt a warm wave wash across me at his words. It was all I wanted, to stay with him forever, to raise our child with him, everything. "I want you to too... always... and of course your word is good." And of course it was. My secret had been shattered, but I could not bring myself to doubt him. I would have believed whatever he had told me; I always would.

His eyes shone with clear disbelief, but he gave me a small smile. Before I could form the words to reassure him, he leaned forward and kissed me, his lips again meeting mine. It caught me off-guard, having my words stopped so suddenly in a kiss, but I kissed him back, my surprise quickly fading.

He pulled away after a moment, hugging me tightly and resting his head on my shoulder, his soft hair, falling lightly across my skin. His voice was soft. "You need to get dressed too..."

I nodded, just remembering that minor detail and glancing down at the binding that covered my chest and the blood-spotted pants. "You're right..." I said, trailing off.   
  


I let my hand wander a bit from her stomach, pulling away and giving her another smile, though this one had less innocent intentions that the other. "Not that I mind..."

She just looked at me, trying not to smile and doing a very poor job of it. "Well, make up your mind," she said plainly. "Do you want me to get dressed or don't you?" She stood, her face still a mask to hide her smile, and moved over to where her clothes were placed. My eyes trailed her longingly. I knew what I wanted but also knew I was quite incapable of it.

I pouted slightly, my eyes still lingering on her. I lifted my hand to my cheek, cupping it. "How cruel..."

She glanced at me over shoulder, her long hair falling in trails down her back of mahogany waterfalls. "Cruel?"

"Yes." I gave her a pitiful look. Why did the gods bless a man with eyes and desire and make him powerless to do what he wanted? "You're so beautiful and I can't do anything right now... it's quite unfair..."   
  


I allowed my smile to escape, sure it had already done so despite my trying not to. Turning again, my back to him, I chose a shirt from my clothes and undid the binding around my chest, letting it fall to the ground at my feet, the cloth piling upon itself like a loosed ribbon. I could feel his eyes on me still, even with my back towards him. Still not turning around, I slid into the shirt, fastening it.

"Mm... try a dress my love." His soft voice came from behind me

I turned back to face him, my hands stopping half-way through fastening the shirt. Women's clothing? Now? "A dress? You think so?" If he thought it was a good idea... Well, there was no secret to protect anymore.

He looked serious, upset. "Well... they already know... it would seem as if you were..." His words stopped suddenly, and a small frown covered his features. "No... it's up to you."

My eyes remained on him for a moment as a quick flash of apprehension hit me. But no, it would be all right. The others knew, and if Nuriko thought it was a good idea, then I would not argue. I did not know what the other seishi would say, but it did not matter. It would all work out. I went to work unfastening the shirt, my fingers struggling a bit with the work, though they should not have. I was still nervous, but I trusted him... with everything. "My dresses are in with your things, ne?" I kept my eyes on him, watching him quietly.   
  


I nodded slowly, silently, only gazing at her. What had possessed me to ask her to do such a thing?? But would it really be better to still pretend that no one knew?

She moved over to my clothes. "Any suggestions?"

I gave her a faint smile. "You look perfect in anything... you know that." And it was true. No matter how beautiful I had tried when I was in the harem, the emperor would never have noticed me for that- she was far more beautiful than I could dream. I prayed that our child looked like her.

She shook her head, still smiling at me. "All right... if I don't match, I'll blame you..." How could she still smile when I had betrayed her in such a large thing?

I nodded, knowing my face was too serious and that I was too silent. I would worry her.

She picked out a dress, her long limbs stretching to take it from my bag. She was nude from the waist up and amazingly beautiful. She could have been a creature of the snow, a goddess of the winter, her hair lightly curtaining her back and her breasts. "Something wrong?" she asked gently.

I blinked, a little startled, but forced a smile. "Nothing that will last long..." Long was a relative term anyway... I looked away from her glory. "Just... I think I'm still a little dizzy." I wondered if she could read my emotions as easily as I could read hers. If she could, she would know I was lying.

Perhaps she could. She frowned slightly, watching me silently.

I turned my eyes back to her, my mood too sober for me. Pushing myself off the bed with two hands, I stood shakily. "Shall we go down?"   
  


"Let me just finish..." I said, giving him a wary look and slipping into the dress. His eyes were so distant. Something was wrong, something beyond the weakness that still settled about his shoulders from his brush with death. I pulled off the still-damp pants, trying not to catch the long material of the dress as I did so. He stood stiffly and his face was measured, but his eyes betrayed him. "There..." I said as I finished, my eyes not leaving him.

He nodded, leaning against the wall for support, his slender frame looking even smaller in Tamahome's clothes. He was always so strong, so sure, that it was easy to forget how human he was, how young he was... how young we both were. "I think I should get something to drink too..." he said, his voice a bit quiet.

I nodded in agreement, worried about him, wishing I knew something to do to help.

Pushing himself away from the wall, he started towards the door and held it open for me. He was silent, not watching me nor anything else, his dark eyes far away, more distant than I had ever seen them. I stepped outside, letting the silence take me as well, wondering what his eyes saw, knowing it was too far for me to hope to reach. He pulled the door shut behind us and it betrayed the silence with a small click into place, and then it too relinquished its sounds to the stillness.   


  


Part Twenty

  
  


Standing at the bottom of the stairs, I reached out a hand to her, still silent. My other hand was pressed against the cold wall for support. I was still weak, but I was doing much better. Were seishi powers so quick to heal or had it been Mitsukake? But it didn't matter. I would live- for her. That's what was important.

She stepped down to me, splendid and magnificently regal in a dress, her loose hair tumbling over her shoulders. Her dark eyes were searching the room, presumably for the others. I was a bit afraid. Their reactions would not have been quite as mixed as mine to her secret, but I'm sure that there would be strong feelings.

I gave her a little half-smile, reassuring. "Don't worry... you look beautiful."

Her face was reminiscent of mine, the smile trace on her lovely features. She shook her head slightly, as silent as I was.

I took a step forward, bringing her with me. Tasuki was slumped over a drink, most likely alcoholic. Chiriko was sitting at the table with him, looking a little upset. Chichiri was talking to Mitsukake in the corner, occasionally glancing over to the other two. But Tamahome and Miaka were nowhere to be seen.

I moved over to the table with Tasuki and Chiriko, seating myself, warm, and pleased about that, in Tamahome's clothes. I was still worried, taking a slow deep breath as I sat.

Hotohori followed behind me, a bit slower and more reluctant, glancing around at the others, looking as if she was waiting for the snide comments she was sure were to follow.

Tasuki was too enthralled in his drink to even notice us, but Chiriko looked up at her, wide-eyed, seeming somewhat surprised to see her in a dress. "Hotohori-sama..."

I gave her a little glance and tightened my hand around hers slightly.

She glanced at the boy a bit warily. "Hello, Chiriko..."

At this, Tasuki glanced up, hearing voices. A surprised look came to his face as he saw her in the dress. "Shit... you're really a woman."

I gave Tasuki a dark look, but then forced my eyes away. They landed on Chiriko. His eyes were wide as he gazed at her, but he was smiling. Suddenly the smile vanished, like snowflake landing on a face. "Gomen nasai... we lost the shinzahou..."

I nearly jerked myself to my feet. My breath quickened and I released her hand. My fists were tight, clenched, my body stiff. Beside me, Hotohori glanced at Chiriko sharply. It seemed as if Tasuki's comment lost its sting when compared to this. "Lost it?" she asked, her voice quiet, filled with some emotion that I didn't understand, and at that point, didn't care if I understood.

Tasuki was silent, turning his attention back to his drink and to staring at her.

I took a deep slow breath. I was that worthless to them? How could they lose it? I would have died had Hotohori not had the common sense to set off our flare. I would have died... and for nothing.

Chiriko's eyes were sad. "Hai... lost it."

Hotohori reached over and placed a hand on my arm softly. "How?"

I swallowed, keeping my eyes firmly on the table. I could feel the pain, the way the claws had ripped through my back, pushed through my lung, out of my chest. I could remember the sensation of my shattered ribs, the blood filling my lungs so that I was drowning, too weak to cough. I could feel Hotohori's tears through the agony, cascading onto my traitorous body, hear her frantically calling my name as my eyes closed for the last time...

But no. I was alive. Everything was all right now. I was alive.

Chiriko's voice was filled with shame. "A... a wolf came and took it... right out of Miaka-san's hand..."

She tightened her hand around my arm. I wasn't sure whether she meant to or not. "Is everyone all right?"

"Everyone's fucking wonderful," Tasuki said, his words a bit slurred. He was upset, I could tell, but I was too.

I shut my eyes, not willing to believe any of this. I hadn't gone through that for nothing, had I? And Hotohori... what must she be feeling?

"Hai... Tamahome-san went to look for Miaka-san. They should be back in a moment or so," Chiriko continued, apparently rather oblivious of my mental state.

Hotohori just nodded slightly, falling silent. Tasuki slurped up the remains of his drink and started on another.

"Tasuki-san," started Chiriko worriedly, "maybe you shouldn't drink so much..."

Tasuki turned to him. "Maybe you should drink more..." A half-grin lit his face. "It makes things a hell of a lot easier to understand, Chiriko."

"Like what?" Chiriko asked curiously.

I opened my eyes, looking at them, wishing I didn't feel so useless. What good had I done? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All of this would not have happened had I not been so foolish and stubborn. I was useless.

"Like the fucking shinzahou being stolen by a fucking forest animal, like the emperor being a fucking woman... and a pregnant woman at that." Tasuki did not seem pleased. He turned to her, eyes dark. "Shit... you even look like a woman..." His eyes lowered from her face and my eyes narrowed dangerously. "Shit, you even have breasts... where did you hide those?"

She simply blinked at him, her face coloring slightly, dropping her eyes to the table, silent.

I glared at him, silent as well. Was he trying to be an idiot? Or just trying to make me angry?

Chiriko blinked. "Tasuki-san, you're right. How did you disguise them so well?" asked the boy, curious and innocent. He at least wanted to learn, not to mock her. I could handle that.

She turned wide eyes up to Chiriko. Tasuki interrupted whatever she had been thinking. "Oi... answer the kid's fucking question, emperor. We're all interested in this." He grinned, burying his face in his drink again.

I glared, wishing my seishi power was to kill by looking at someone the wrong way. I slipped my hand into hers, trying to tell her I was here. Chiriko was wide-eyed. He could sense the tension in the ambiance.

She squeezed my hand and seemed to regain much of her composure. "Binding... and the rest of the how is not so important... I'm sorry I couldn't tell you the truth before." Her beautiful voice was soft, fragile in the crisp air. "But believe me... I could not..."

"Women and their fucking secrets..." Tasuki was mumbling.

I knew she could handle this herself if she so wanted. I turned my eyes to her and gave her a weak smile. The original shock had worn off, but the lingering pain was still there.

Chiriko nodded at her words, seeming engrossed, as if he were memorizing this for the future. She smiled briefly at him as she fell silent again. "But you have two older brothers..." he said, still curious.

She glanced at him, seeming a bit unsure where to begin.

Tasuki, graceful as ever, interrupted before she could start. "So you married Nuriko because he was a man... shit, it all makes sense now!!"

I looked at him suddenly, stung, nearly flinching. "What?"

"No!" she said, turning her eyes to him, face darkened by emotion.

Chiriko almost inched back in his chair, a little unsure of the sudden change in mood.

"Well, it makes more sense than the other theories..." he said, shrugging a little indelicately.

She tightened her hand around mine very slightly. "No, it doesn't. What makes sense is that I am in love with Nuriko because of who he is, not because of his gender or mine or because of who I could not have or any of your other ridiculous painful rumors."

A little stunned, Tasuki just looked at her, his glass half-way to his mouth.

I suddenly hid a smile, overwhelmed all at once by good feelings. I stood again and pressed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. "I'll be right back."

Chiriko watched me, still quiet. I wondered what we were teaching him and then shrugged that away.

She glanced up at me, nodding slightly. Tasuki was silent for once. Mitsukake and Chichiri were looking our way, presumably because of the raised voices.

I grinned and walked out of the room and into the kitchen.   
  


I watched Nuriko's retreating form for a moment, a bit unsure about being left alone in front of the others and their staring eyes. Chiriko was beginning to get a bit frightening with the strange way he was watching me, eyes wide as though I were some exhibit in a traveling show. I shifted about uncomfortably, letting my eyes stray to Tasuki who seemed to be in process of getting himself stone drunk- and enjoying every moment of it.

He came out of the room with two glasses held in his hand and a small half-hidden smirk on his face. "There," he said, placing the drinks in front of Chiriko and Tasuki. Chiriko blinked at it, looking as if he expected it to attack him.

"Thanks, Nuriko..." The bandit flashed him a fanged grin and glowed happily at the prospect of another drink. Nuriko simply chuckled darkly in response.

Chiriko looked up at him, child's eyes wide. "What is it?" His voice was nervous.

Nuriko beamed proudly. "A Nuriko Special." His voice was light, but almost sadistically pleased.

Taking that as a sign to begin, Tasuki held up the glass, nearly spilling the liquid in the quick drunk motion. "Kampai!" He downed the drink in one sip and I wondered briefly if it even touched his lips. I stifled a small smile, knowing exactly what was coming to the bandit. I did not smirk, although it took much effort not to. As though on cue, the fiery-haired bandit choked, coughing as the drink hit his system.

Nuriko's smirk grew wider, spreading like a beam of light across his face. A bit more wary than the bandit, Chiriko poked the drink with his finger, pulling away quickly in case it bit back. The smirk still upon his face, he slid back into his seat beside me and slipped an arm around me. His face looked pleased, almost proud, although I could not say of what. A cold chill swarmed into the room, centering itself around our table as the door burst open, revealing Tamahome. I glanced back, shivering at the sudden cold. The dress I wore was much thinner than the clothes I had been wearing, the cloth not fashioned for this climate. The only sound in the room seemed to be the spluttering sounds of Tasuki as he attempted to regain his breath. Looking utterly upset, his eyes downcast, Tamahome sat down at the table with us. He dropped his head into his hands and sighed. Nuriko blinked at him curiously and I watched him, noticing something missing. "Anou, Tamahome... what's wrong?" I paused for a moment, suddenly nervous. "Where's Miaka?"

Seeming not to notice the distressed state of our companion, Tasuki choked out, "Nuriko... fucking..." Cough. "... special... should've-" He choked again. "-known..."

Tamahome spoke, still slumped over on the table. "She wasn't feeling well... she told us to go ahead. We'll leave tonight."

Nuriko leered at Tasuki evilly, his eyes nearly cackling aloud as the sparkled in the dim light. Leaning over, he brushed his lips across my cheek lightly, still looking completely pleased with himself. I glanced at him smiling slightly, happily. The recent memories of blood seemed so far away, the fears I had harbored about the others' reactions dimming as well. His arms was around my waist still, his small form close beside me. Tasuki, seeming to be able to breathe again, slurred a question at Tamahome. "Tonight?

Tamahome just nodded, still not noticing anyone.

Nuriko's eyes widened and he spoke suddenly in protest. "But we haven't gone shopping yet!!!" Giving us a quick, nervous smile, Chiriko stood and wandered over to the corner where Mitsukake and Chichiri stood conversing.

"Shopping?" I asked, blinking in confusion. Shopping... why would he want to go... shopping?

Before I could say anything, Tasuki voiced my question for me. "What the fuck would you want to shop for?" His voice was slightly incredulous, but also drunkenly amused.

Nuriko flashed him a delighted grin. "Essentials!" He smirked at Tasuki. "I'll get you a comb. You obviously lost yours."

Tasuki raised his hands quickly to his hair self-consciously, checking quickly to be sure that no strand of hair was out of place. "What?" he nearly growled, looking at Nuriko half-questioningly, half-daring him to find fault with his hair style. To his side, Tamahome simply sighed and rested his head on the table dejectedly. I glanced at him, a bit worried, not only for Tamahome, but for Miaka... and all of us. We had not only lost the shinzahou, we had lost it to our rivals. The tool that we required to summon our god lay in the hands of our worst enemies, even after we had paid the price in blood and tears for it. A soft laugh from Nuriko drew me from those thoughts. Everything would be all right. There was still another shinzahou to find and we all still lived. Nuriko stood, his hands flying to a chair, grasping it to keep his balance. He was still so weak, but as always, he refused to show that face to everyone. A sunny smile spread across his face even as he struggled to keep his feet for those few precarious seconds. "Hotohori, you have to come with me!" The battle on the mountain was still affecting him, but with what had almost happened...

I glanced back, managing a small smile at him. "Of course..." I was not prepared, at that moment, to let him go anywhere without me.

The grin that overtook his face was completely thrilled. "I'll be right back!! I have to change!" He dashed up the stairs, his light steps making only a small echoing sound through the hallways. Tamahome raised his eyes from the table and glanced around him a bit, a soft sigh coming from his lips.

I watched Nuriko until his darting form had disappeared from sight, violet hair and graceful movements being swallowed into the dim light of the hallway. Pushing back my hair, I turned my eyes back to Tamahome, noticing that he had emerged from the small bout of misery in which he had previously been. His eyes widened as he seemed to notice, for the first time, the feminine dress I wore. He looked away hurriedly, turning his eyes towards Tasuki. I blinked, catching his reaction and crossing my arms across my chest self-consciously, nervously.

From within his drink, Tasuki glanced at Tamahome out of the corner of his eyes. "What, Tama?" he asked impatiently, not seeming to understand why the other man was staring at him. Looking rather pale, Tamahome simply shook his head in a blur of motion, his green-blue hair falling across his eyes. Tasuki grinned evilly. "You look like you swallowed a bug." He seemed to find this analogy quite amusing and began chuckling to himself.

Tamahome turned his gaze back to me, a blush suddenly coming to his face as he managed to choke out, "Hotohori-sama... you look very... nice." He was completely red... and also completely thrown off. I was surprised... I had expected something a bit more accusing, rather than a stammered compliment.

I was just as thrown off as he, and barely short of blushing myself. It was a bit unnerving, to say the very least. Seeming to enjoy a joke that I had missed, Tasuki cackled, overjoyed, into his drink. Tamahome turned a shade redder, a feat I had not thought possible, and glared at Tasuki, almost looking as though he wished he could throttle the half-drunk red-head then and there. By now I had nearly recovered myself and was able to flash a quick smile at Tamahome. "Thank you..." I trailed off, glancing down at my hands awkwardly. I was not used to being a girl with the others, or at least not a girl in their minds. I wondered what this would mean for their opinions of me now.

Still glaring at Tasuki, he attempted something that was almost a smile in return. Anything further was suddenly cut from my view by a pair of hands that covered my eyes. "Guess who!" a soft voice came through the darkness. Despite the desire to roll my eyes, I still could not help smiling. It was nice to hear his voice, so soft, so happy. To feel his hands touching my face, even in jest. I could picture his face, smiling despite everything, violet eyes shining, prefect features caught up in a glowing smile.

"I have no idea," I answered finally, dragging myself from my thoughts. The sounds of a snickering bandit could still be heard. It seemed our drunk comrade had discovered a funny side to life that the rest of us could not yet see. Perhaps he had found some sort of pseudo-spiritual enlightenment in the alcoholic drinks in which he had taken refuge.

Removing his hands from my eyes, he bent down and lightly kissed the top of my head, grinning. "It's me, of course!" he informed me happily. Tamahome simply blinked at us, all words falling shy of his mouth. I turned my eyes back to glance at my husband and found myself mirroring Tamahome's expression. He was dressed in elaborate girl's clothing, looking completely like the innocent, smiling maiden he so often pretended to be. His hair was styled up neatly, but not so tight as to look harsh; rather, it fell in soft waves by his shoulders. The soft fabric of his dress whispered around him as he walked and the color made his already bright eyes shine even more wondrously. Not surprisingly, Tasuki found this amusing as well; his chuckling increased and he sipped again at the drink in his hand.

Also chuckling, Nuriko held out a hand to me. "Ladies' night out, my love...?" he asked, voice happy, fringed by excitement. Tamahome shook his head slightly, looking as if perhaps he thought he was caught in a bad dream with no way out.

I took his hand and stepped up, smiling. "Hai..." I had no idea what he had in mind, and was a bit wary, but also curious. "Hai."

"Good!" he replied cheerfully, not releasing my hand. Giving an overly sweet smile to Tamahome and Tasuki, he began walking away. "I'll see you gentlemen later." He handed me my coat and began slipping into another he had managed to secure for himself. His hands flew quickly up the fastening, closing the coat about him. He glanced up to me, eyes meeting mine, half-shaded beneath his dark eye-lashes.

Glancing back to the others, I slipped into my coat as well. I turned my eyes back to him and nodded. "Hai...I'm ready." He took my hand in his again, and, waving to the others, he pulled me towards the door and opened the wooden portal into the chill night air.

Behind us, Tamahome shook his head. "And I thought Miaka and I had problems." In response to this, the bandit beside him simply laughed again, laughter that quickly began turning maniacal. Laughing as well, Nuriko shut the door behind us and leaned closer to me, seeking warmth and giving it in the chill air of the darkening evening.   
  


I pulled her up to a little shop. The chill was sinking into me and I wanted to eventually be able to get it out. "Let's go in here!! It's too cold outside." I tugged her inside without waiting for her permission. The store smelled strongly of incense.

Seeking warmth, I nuzzled up against her. I was in a clingy mood. I was afraid to be away from her. "Mmm... jewelry... you need some." Need was a relative word, but I was in the mood for shopping.

She lifted a hand to touch the pendant around her neck and her ring flashed in the light. "I have jewelry..."

I pulled away from her, sighing quietly, and wandered deeper into the store. The store owner bustled up, but I assured him that I was only looking for now. Something green caught my eyes to my left and I moved my hand, seeking the source. It was a set of green jade earrings, shaped into teardrops. "Hmm..."

She walked over to me, looking over my shoulder. "Hmm?"

I held them up the her ears, measuring them against her, then grinned, delighted. "I like them!!" I then frowned slightly, thinking. "We'll have to pierce your ears though... so a small pair for now too..." I glanced to my right and took up a small pair of cut diamond earrings, simple. "These would work..."

She raised a hand to her ears protectively. "Pierce my ears?"

I held the diamonds up to her ears, ignoring her question. "Are pearls better?"

She just looked at me a minute, her eyes wide. "Pierce my ears?" she repeated, stunned.

I nodded to myself. "I like diamonds better." And if she didn't like them, I could always borrow them... I pulled some change out of my bag, which had since been replenished by funds from Hotohori. I handed it to the store owner and placed the earrings carefully in a bag, tightening the drawstring. "There." I gave her a glowing smile. "Ready? Clothes are next."

She nodded, apparently deciding that clothes sounded safer than piercing anything. "Whatever you say..."

I smirked. "You may want to reconsider that..." I grinned and nearly skipped out the door, wandering to the next shop, trusting that she would follow.

She did, but much slower than the pace I had set. I think she was a bit wary of my enthusiasm.

By the time she got there, I was already immersed in the racks of clothes, searching for something that would good on her. She hung by the door, watching me. I glanced at her to see a small smile creeping onto her face. So I tossed the red dress I had snatched into my hand at her. "See how long that is against you." I had about seven different dresses of different lengths and different styles draped over my shoulder.

She blinked and caught it, then held it up against her, glancing down.

I smiled slightly, admiring her. She looked perfect. "Hmm... A little short, don't you think?"

She looked down, bewildered and lost. "Yes..."

I frowned slightly. "I can let the hem down a bit...do you like it at all?"

She cast me a helpless glance. "I don't know."

I kept my voice patient, though I considered for a moment banging my head into a wall. How could she not know if she liked it? I always did. Wasn't it something that just came naturally? "Do you like the color?"

She was still studying it. "It's a very pretty color..."

"Do you like the style?" I asked, still calm.

Her eyes did not leave it. "I'm not sure..." She looked up at me, a bit upset. "I'm not a good judge of these things..."

Apparently. I placed my pile of clothes onto a nearby flat surface and walked over to her. "Well, look. Is it too low cut? Do you like how..." I stopped my words suddenly, trying to force down a smirk. "How it rests on your hips?" My smirk escaped. "How it accents those lovely curves?" Almost of its own will, my hand reached out and rested on her waist. I gave her a smug look, the smirk still on my lips. I could see the store keeper out of the corner of my eye. His eyes were wide and shocked- I assume for the same reason that the men in the bar had been. I was, of course, wearing female clothing, so that might have added to his confusion. I ignored him and focused on her.

She raised her eyes to me and I could tell she was trying not to blush. She wasn't used to looking like a girl on purpose. "Hai... I like it..."

I was pleased. "Good. Now go try it on." I pointed to a little curtained room off to the side. "There."

She followed my direction, glancing back at me once before disappearing behind the curtain. I turned back to my inspection of the dresses studiously. I was looking at a light blue dress very closely, examining the fabric, when I heard a quiet laugh from behind me.

It was her laugh. I turned slightly. "Coming out? Or do I have to guess what you look like?" Her head was peeking out from behind the curtain.

She just looked at me a minute. "Guess." I think she saw my glare, for she stepped out, a bit unsure, tugging self-consciously at the deep red dress.

My eyes widened slightly. "Hotohori..." She was simply magnificent. The red heightened the paleness of her skin and the contrast between the flawless white of her cheeks and her dark eyes and hair. The cut was daring, but not revealing, tantalizing to the eye, tempting a man's will. The length of the dress was not as long as her emperor's robes and I could see a bit of her legs, smooth and light. The dress hugged her slender waist, not yet grown with our child, curving around her hips, her breasts. I suddenly frowned. "I definitely have to let down the hem."

She glanced down at it sheepishly. "Hai..."

I folded my arms across my chest with slightly difficulty, the dresses that I was holding getting in my way. "Only I get to see that much." I suppose I was sulking a little, but I was rather jealous. I didn't want Tasuki or Tamahome flirting with my wife... especially now that they knew she was a woman.

She laughed, nodding.

I motioned her back in to change. "So you like that?"

She obeyed. "Hai... I guess so... Does it look all right?"

I nearly choked, but then looked back at the pale blue dress I had found, studying it again. "Sai'ai... do I really have to answer that?"

She just looked at me a moment and smiled, shutting the curtain again.

I held the blue dress up against myself, waiting for her to finish. "Hurry up in there." I paused a second. "Do I have to help you?" I asked threateningly.

I assume that the dress was half-way over her head, for her voice was slightly muffled. "You might..." Hmm. Enticing idea. "There," she said as she stepped out from the room.

I nearly threw myself into the room. "My turn!!" This blue dress was so pretty!! I wondered if it would accent my eyes... Pondering this, I tugged off the dress I wore and pulled the other one on over my head.

I heard her laughter from inside the dress that I was trying to get on me. I smiled to myself. I was so glad. Everything had turned out all right, just as I had promised.   
  


The curtain was closed, but from inside strange shuffling sounds could be heard: clothes dropping, shoes being flipped off, and fabric being slipped into. The curtain opened, revealing Nuriko, standing, scrutinizing himself in a soft-looking light blue dress. A small frown covered his feature and he glanced at me plaintively. "Do you think this makes me look heavy?"

I blinked and shook my head. It didn't. Like most of the things he wore, he looked perfect, as though the clothes were made solely for him to wear. "Iie."

He frowned slightly and glanced down at it again, examining the sleeves. "Are you sure?"

"I like it... demo..." I said, nodding and trying to stop the smile that was threatening my face from surfacing. The dress was perfect... save one thing. "You'll have to take up the hem, ne?"

He gave me a dark look, glaring at me through narrowed eyes. "Urusai," he growled, storming back into the fitting room, nearly tripping over the long dress as he did so. Despite the dangerous look I had received from him, I was still trying not to laugh to myself.

The curtained door opened once again after a moment and he emerged from the dressing room, carrying the dress in his arms, still sulking, his face caught up in a pout of sorts. "Are you ready?" he asked simply, words short.

"Hai... I..." I blinked for a minute, watching him. "I'm sorry..." I began quietly. "About the hem comment."

Folding his arms across his chest and looked at me a moment, dark eyes studying me. "We'll have to get your ears pierced soon."

My eyes wide again, I simply nodded. "Hai." Piercing things did not sound overly enjoyable, and I was not overly eager to try it.

He smirked at me evilly, but it slowly melted into a true smile, his sweet enigmatic smile. Tossing some money on the counter- to cover the cost of the dresses- he took my arm and pulled me outside. I followed him back into the chill air. I pushed my hair back, trying not to shiver in the sudden rush of cold. Vaguely, I wondered where he could possibly think to go next. My question was answered as he pulled me into a small place in between the houses, out of the wind. He looked up at me, violet eyes silent and serious. And I looked back at him, my expression quickly taking on the seriousness I found there. His face was solemn, but open, reflecting back everything he was, everything I knew, everything I loved. It amazed me how he could be like that, crystal clear, but infinitely bright. I glanced at him questioningly, a bit surprised and unsure of his sudden mood change.

His voice was soft when he spoke. "I almost lost you today..." He turned his eyes away, down to the ground, looking for all the world like an uncertain child. "But... what you said to Tasuki..."

I watched him, waiting for him to finish his thought, my eyes searching for his even though they were cast to the ground, looking away from me.

"It just..." He shifted a bit, looking uncomfortable, unsure what to say. "I..."

Making my voice as soft, gentle as I could, I asked quietly, "What?"

Seeming to give up, he just hugged me tightly, burying his face in my shoulder. His soft voice was muffled when he next spoke. "I... I didn't thank you."

I hugged him back tightly, kissing him lightly on the top of his head, through his thick hair, breathing in his soft floral scent. "I said what I did because I love you... and you don't have to thank me for that... It's the other way around. I should thank you." And I truly should. I owed him so much. He had added more than I could possibly describe to my life, making things brighter, happier, giving me the love I had never thought possible. With him, I felt safe, happy, complete.

He shut his eyes, his small form shaking with cold. He leaned closer against me and I tightened my arms. "It doesn't hurt much, you know..." he said quietly.

"What doesn't?" I asked, a bit unsure what he was talking about.

I felt his arms tighten about me slightly. "Less than labor, I'd assume... Getting your ears pierced."

Smiling, I simply held him back, content to just have him there in my arms. "That's good... I'd imagine... I'm not really worried about it. I trust you." And I did trust him, with anything.

"I'm worried about Miaka... that's not like her," he said softly, his voice barely a whisper in the cold air.

Biting my lip, I nodded. Everything seemed to be happening at once- Miaka's absence, the loss of the shinzahou. "Hai... you're right... it really isn't..." I frowned.

"But Tamahome said it was all right..." he said, sighing quietly, his eyes still shut, and his arms still around me. Nodding to his question, I tightened my hold on him ever so slightly. We would know if something was wrong with our miko... wouldn't we?

As though an idea had suddenly appeared before him, Nuriko pulled away from me and began rummaging through his bag. I watched, curious, as he dug out the dangling jade earrings and slid them into his own ears. "They shouldn't go to waste, ne?" he said, grinning a wide mischievous grin at me.

Laughing, I nodded in agreement, watching the small jade teardrops shimmer in the dim light. "No, they shouldn't."

He posed, his hand on his hip, and a bright smile on his face. "You like them? Am I beautiful?"

I smiled back, managing not to laugh at his antics. "You're always beautiful, earrings or no, " I told him truthfully, "but they're a nice touch... they do match the bracelets."

He looked at me, the mischief returning to his face, settling in his eyes like small sparks. Curiously, I raised an eyebrow and gave him a questioning look. The sudden evil smile that overtook his face had caught me a bit off-guard.

His hand reached out to my neckline, tugging my jade necklace out from beneath my coat. Giving me a pouty look, he fingered the pendant carefully. "It matches..."

I glanced down at the pendant around my neck as best I could. "So it does..." In fact, it looked as though it had come from the same stone as the earrings, the color identical, smooth, and flawless. His look turned almost pitifully pleading.

Managing not to smile, I reached my hands to the back of my neck, my fingers unclasping the chain easily. "Would you like to wear it?"

His eyes nearly shimmered as he watched me. "Ooohh... how did you know?" he asked, a delighted smile crossing his face. He looked so young in that moment, a child excited at the thought of something pretty, his voice matching that appearance.

I shook my head at him slightly, still smiling and fastened the pendant around his neck, trying not to catch it in his flowing violet hair. The pendant had been my mother's. I had always kept it safely away until I wore it, never letting anyone else touch or even see it. But it just seemed natural to lend it so easily to him. I would have given him anything he had asked for, anything that was in my power to give, anything to see his smile.

His hand reached up to touch the small tear-shaped pendant, his face taking on a slightly awed expression, though the grin of earlier still rested upon it. Suddenly, without warning, he threw his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. "Mmm... warm..."

I was surprised, caught off-guard, but after a minute I hugged him back, smiling down at him happily.

Softly, his voice barely above a whisper, he spoke, arms still tightly around me. "I love you... I love you so much... and when we get home I'm tempted to tie you to your throne so you don't go off and try to get attacked by any more Seiryuu seishi..."

I laughed softly, my voice matching his. "I love you too... and when we get home, I don't plan on going off anywhere without you..."

He was silent a moment, something silent and unsaid passing over his eyes, but then his smile returned and he pulled away, glancing at me. "I think we should do it now," he said, matter-of-factly.

I blinked at him, again confused by his sudden jumps in topic. "Do what?"

He smirked again before turning and walking away slowly towards the inn, the wind lifting small whirlwinds of snow around his feet, wiping away his footsteps even as they were made. For a moment, I stood here I was, watching him, his easy, graceful movements. Dreamlike, it seemed to me, almost as though the wind would whisk him away as well as the sparkling snow flakes it already carried. Turning over his shoulder, he smiled. "Well, hurry up!" he called back to me.

I ran to catch up with him, slowing my step as I came beside him. We walked the short distance back to the inn together, silent in the cold air.   
  


I pushed open the door to the inn. "We're back!!" I called cheerily. I shut the door after she had entered behind me, closing off the frigid wind from the warmth of the room.

I happily stripped off my coat and hung it up, reveling in the warmth. "We're going upstairs," I announced.

"Why?" Chiriko asked curiously.

Tasuki was still sitting in his chair, lazing about, looking slightly drunk. "Shit..." he slurred, and then cackled.

Hotohori slipped out of her coat beside me, folding it carefully over her arm.

I gave Tasuki an odd look. "To pierce her ears," I said, replying to Chiriko's question.

Chiriko gave me an innocent grin. "Oh."

Her head jerked up, giving me a slightly nervous look. "And we're back to piercing things again..."

"Yeah, sure... we fucking believe that too... Right..." Tasuki was laughing into his drink. I wondered if it was still my Nuriko Special.

I glared at him. "Tasuki, you want to come?"

Chiriko blinked.

"Shit, no!!!" He blinked for a moment as well, and then something seemed to click. "No!!!"

I gave him a slight, withering smile. "Oh, that's right. You already have your ears pierced."

Chiriko was still blinking at us.

She was slightly pale as she moved toward the stairs to our room.

"Yeah, that's it. That's exactly what the fuck I meant..." Tasuki agreed darkly.

I paused slightly on his last few words. "That's not a bad idea either... Hmm..." The look I gave him could be described as evil, but it did what it was intended to do.

He just shook his head, his fire-colored eyes wide.

I laughed gaily and scampered up the stairs after her.

She was waiting in the room for me, the door standing open, sitting on the bed. I dropped my shoes off at the door, tossed my new dress with my other clothes, and then moved onto the bed, sort of laying down, my face buried in the blankets. "Mmm..."

She glanced at me questioningly. "Mmm?"

I inched over to her so that I was curled around her. "Warm..."

She smiled at me gently. "Hai."

I sat up slowly, relinquishing the heat, studying her. "Hmm..."

She gave me yet another questioning look. "Hmm?"

I reached out a hand and touched her earlobe lightly. "I'll make it quick, all right?"

She nodded, accepting the fact that it would happen sooner or later. "All right..." She gave me a fleeting, hesitant smile.

I gave her a naughty grin in return. "If you're still, I'll reward you after."

She laughed softly, but was still looking at me warily. "So how do you plan on doing this?"

I pulled one of the diamond studs out of my bag. "Here..." I held it up to her ear with one hand, holding the earlobe with the other. I was strong enough that I could push it through quickly. I just had to make sure I centered it. "Hold still. On three..."

She didn't nod, too busy holding still, for which I was grateful. "All right... three..."

Very carefully keeping my fingers in place, I counted. "One... two..." And I pushed it in.

She stiffened, holding back a yell. The only sound that came out of her mouth was a small noise. She remained unmoving as I fastened it, but she was glaring at me out of the corner of her eye. "That was not three..."

I was busy admiring my handiwork, not really listening to the ruler of my country. "Perfect..."

"That was two. Two is one away from three," she pointed out. Her hand lifted to her ear tentatively. I hid a smile. I was glad my liege could count.

I pulled the other stud out and clambered around behind her to reach her other side. "Ready?"

"Three... one, two, three... try that this time..." She looked nervous still, but forced a smile. "Yes, I'm ready..."

I kissed her cheek lightly while I was there. "One..." I pushed it through then and quickly fastened it like the other, pulling away when finished. "I'm so amazing... perfect again."

"That was even further from three than before... Is it done?" Her eyes flitted to me, still looking nervous.

I nodded, admiring her. "Hmm... you look like a girl. When did that happen?"

She smiled at me softly, carefully touching her ears. "I don't know... but I suspect it's your fault..."

I laughed quietly and leaned forward to kiss her lightly. "I'm feeling better..."

She laughed as well, looking relieved to hear that. "Good."

I trailed my kisses down her jawline, my hands straying to her waist. "In fact... I feel much better... seishi have amazing recuperative powers..."

She laughed again. "Amazing..."

I started to kiss her neck lightly, feeling almost shy. One hand rose to touch her cheek lightly. "Definitely feeling better..."

"I'm glad..." Her head bent slightly, her lips searching for mine.

I met her lips, kissing her gently, seekingly. "I hate these cold climates..." I muttered darkly. "It makes everything that much more difficult..."

She pulled away briefly to glance at me. "What's difficult?"

I blinked and flushed, silent.

She laughed softly again. "Well, if it's too difficult..."

I kissed her again, deeply, cutting off the rest of her words.   
  


Go to the [next part][2]. 

Return to [Tokyo Tower][3]. 

   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/serious/rebirth.html
   [3]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/serious/main.html



	6. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]

Thanks to [Jenni Lin][2] for the fanart!!

Part Twenty-One

  
  
  


I stood before the mirror, regarding my reflection quietly. My hands strayed to smooth the slightly wrinkled fabric of the long outer jacket over my hips. The clothing was for a man, my normal attire, but I had tied the sash about my waist so that the curves I no longer needed to hide for the moment were evident despite the apparel. My hair was tied back loosely at the nape of my neck, but several strands had already escaped their captivity and swirled around my face. Turning sideways, I frowned to myself. My stomach had not yet begun to grow with the baby that slept inside me. I was unsure when it would begin to do so, but I expected soon. Still watching myself in the mirror, I retied the sash about my waist, readjusting the soft material. We would be traveling soon, away from this inn.

And I would be glad for the movement. Sighing to myself, I lay down on the bed. It was happening again; the strange sick feeling I had been warding off was washing over me. It made me dizzy. I shut my eyes tightly, willing the tightness in my chest and throat to disappear. I would not be sick. I refused to be. Uncomfortable any way I lay, I shifted over to my side, curling my legs up tightly to me. Maybe if I just lay still the feeling would leave. It had happened quite often lately, but never this bad. But then, it usually it did not strike in the middle of the day, but rather early in the morning. I breathed deeply, slowly, as the nausea grew worse. We would be leaving soon; this was not the time to be doing this.

I assumed Nuriko was still downstairs, talking with the others, hearing the plans for our departure. I vaguely thought that I should go down and join him. Another wave of nausea took me and I clawed my fingers into the blanket I lay upon, taking my frustration out upon the innocent smooth fabric. This was ridiculous! It was cold in the room, and despite the heavy clothes I wore, I was shivering. Frustrated with myself, I let out a soft sigh. It was unlike me to be like this, and I hated it.

Growing angry at my rebellious body, I forced myself to sit up and was caught off-guard by a dizzying rush brought on by the sudden movement. The nausea that had been nested in my chest grew worse. Frantically, I looked around the room, knowing what was about to happen and being appalled at it. I had not thrown up since I was a child. A waste basket caught my eyes and I rushed to it, just in time to be sick in it. I knelt there for a moment, unmoving, disgusted with myself. Still feeling miserable, I stayed on my knees, feeling the cold floor through the material of my pants, and just breathed, trying to dispel the feeling that still lingered in my stomach.   
  


Tamahome was still slumped at the table. I nudged him gently, being very careful. He wasn't a fragile man, but his heart was right now. "Ne, ne, Tamahome," I began a little worriedly. "Where did you say Miaka ran off to?"

He lifted slightly bleary eyes to meet my own. "Taiitsu-kun said she was having girl problems..."

I made a face. Though I had never experienced them- obviously- the signs of pain that a girl endured were not unfamiliar to me. "Taiitsu-kun?" I asked curiously. "She appeared to you?"

He nodded dismally. "And said that Miaka told us to go on without her."

I frowned, but said nothing. My intuition was driving me insane. This seemed wrong. I sighed quietly. Perhaps afterglow had left me a bit woozy. I rested my hand lightly on his head a moment, then walked away toward Tasuki.

The ex-bandit was sprawled in the corner of the room on a chair, mouth hanging open, and snoring loudly. Seeing that there would be nothing worth doing here, I proceeded over to Mitsukake and Chiriko and sat beside the boy. Chiriko looked up at me and gave me a wide smile. "Konnichi wa, Nuriko-san! Feeling better?"

I gave him a small smile. "Much, thank you." My eyes flickered from him to Mitsukake. Our masked monk was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Chichiri?"

The healer gave me a small smile and shrugged, not bothering to speak. The answer was, however, apparent. If Mitsukake didn't know, no one would. I sighed again.

Chiriko had been kind to Hotohori. Curious, but kind. Tamahome... I wasn't sure of his reaction yet, but Tasuki's certainly had not been out of character for him. And the missing monk- he was hard for me to read. I reached out a hand and touched the boy's shoulder, just smiling at him. He looked a little startled, but then smiled back.

I took a deep breath and stood, wondering about the inaction, and moved back to Tamahome. As I was about to ask him why we were still here, the door opened and a wind-blown monk barred the door. "We can leave now no da!" Chichiri announced cheerfully.

I blinked and shrugged, and then started up the stairs. I had to get Hotohori. I wondered if she was dressed yet, and blushed slightly as my hand reached for the handle of the door to our room.   
  


I was still on my knees beside the basket, feeling rather ashamed of myself and just praying that no one came back for a while. The floor was cold, even through the thick pants I now wore. I felt so weak, and I hated feeling that way. I had been forced to grow up quickly, and I accepted that, I understood it, and weakness was not a part of it. Shaking slightly, I remained kneeling even as the door opened. Nuriko's expression looked a bit pensive, worried, as he stepped through the door. "Hotohori, they-" He stopped suddenly, his already large eyes widening slightly as he caught sight of me as I knelt on the floor. He rushed over to me, suddenly at my side. "Hotohori!! What's wrong? Are you all right?"

Half-raising my eyes to look at him, I tried to push back the sick feeling that still lingered in my throat. "I don't feel overly well right now..." I trailed off, my voice quiet. I was embarrassed, having him see me like this. I felt my face redden slightly, but I doubt it showed, as pale as I'm sure I was.

His look was one of pure worry, and he pressed a gentle hand to my damp forehead. Even his touch felt concerned. "I'll go get Mitsukake... can you move to the bed?"

Slowly, uneasily, I stood, not trusting myself not to be sick again. The feeling still lingered in my chest and in my throat, a vague whisper letting me know that I was not free from its clutches quite yet. "Don't bother Mitsukake... I'll be fine in just a minute. I just need to sit still for a moment..." And regain my hold on myself. My hands were shaking slightly and I clamped them into fists at my side. His hands flew to my arms, guiding me as I stood up, helping me and holding me steady. "Are you sure? You can't be sick..." His voice and face were wrought with alarm. "I'm sure it will be fine, right?"

I nodded in agreement, pulling away from him slowly, angry at myself for needing help. "I'm fine, really." I sat on the bed, looking at him seriously. "It's all right."

He stepped back, releasing my arm and watched me, his deep discerning eyes seeing my every moment. He held himself back, knowing I did not want to need his help, but looking as if it almost pained him not to aid me. He bit his lip, unsure. When he spoke next, his voice was quiet, hesitant. "Shall I get you a wet cloth?"

I smiled slightly at him. "Nuriko... really, I'm fine." I opened my mouth to reassure him further, but my words were given no time to form. The smile on my face fell completely. Utterly devoid of any poise or grace of movement, I rushed past him, scrambling for the basket and was sick again.

On the fringe of my awareness, Nuriko stood blinking, looking a bit stunned before disappearing from the room, rushing down the stairs. He reappeared a moment later, dragging Mitsukake behind him. The tall healer looked confused as he was nearly shoved over to me. For a moment, his stoic gaze rested on me, before he turned back to Nuriko questioningly. I knelt by the basket, miserable with myself.

Dropping to his knees beside me, Nuriko turned a pleading glance up to Mitsukake. "Help her!" Gently, he rested a hand on my back, worriedly.

Mitsukake blinked, something in his mind seeming to click into place. "Hai... what's wrong?" He asked, low voice rumbling through the room. I just gave him a look, daring him to ask such an obvious question again. My mood was a bit foul, but at that moment, I did not care. Almost unconsciously, I leaned lightly against Nuriko, only barely realizing that I was doing that and not feeling up to moving when I did.

"Ssshh," his voice came softly, soothingly, even as his arms went around me gently, offering support. He turned his eyes up to the tall seishi. "I don't know! You're the doctor!!"

Mitsukake knelt beside us and cast a glance into the basket, managing to keep any reaction from his face. I sighed slightly, shutting my eyes, embarrassed, unhappy, and annoyed. Mitsukake looked over me quickly, his hands touching my throat and carefully feeling my stomach. I opened my eyes to see him smiling at Nuriko and me. "Morning sickness," he said simply, his voice almost amused.

Nuriko suddenly smiled and turned to me, nearly glowing. "Morning sickness..." His face shone with relief.

Understandably less thrilled, I sighed. "Morning sickness."

Mitsukake nodded, crossing his arms across his chest. "Perfectly normal. Everything is fine. It should pass, but it will most likely come again."

Smiling, Nuriko hugged me from the side. Carefully, gently, almost cautiously, his arms encircled me in a soft embrace.

Morning sickness. Even though it was perfectly normal, Nuriko thought it would be best if we returned to the palace. I had protested. It was ridiculous, catering to me like that, but I had been double-teamed. Mitsukake had agreed with Nuriko, telling me that it would only become more and more difficult for me to travel. We had parted from the others then, leaving them with the rest of our money and wishes of safety and success. It was some time later, though time had long since become blurred by the relentless days of traveling across barren snow-ridden plains and nights of fitful sleep in inns that all seemed the same, and none of them seemed like home. I was perched atop my horse, riding in silence. I had hoped to come across as being silently pensive, but I trust I mostly seemed to be sulking and annoyed at myself.

We should have been with the others. Protecting Miaka, Suzaku no Miko, was my duty. And here I was, miles away from her and traveling in the opposite direction. If anything happened to Miaka... or any of the others for that matter, it would be my fault. Mitsukake had traveled with us, because of me. He too should have remained with the others. It was not right. But it was the way things were, and so we traveled, the silent day turning to evening around us.

"Mmm... we've been traveling for over a week..." Nuriko began, breaking the uneasy silence that had enveloped us. "Is it faster on horse or by ship?" His tone was curious.

"It's much faster by ship..." I answered, sighing slightly. "But our pace is making it an even slower journey." I frowned. I should not be so short with either of them. Neither of them were at fault. It was myself at whom I was angry, and I truly had no right to take anything out on either of them. I sighed again, trying to let my feelings be taken away by the chill breeze that stirred my hair and clothes.

Mitsukake cast us both an uneasy glance, remaining silent and slowing his horse so that he rode slight behind us, seeming quite content to stay out of the conversation.

Nuriko guided his horse closer to mine. "Are we going slow?" He seemed a bit surprised and almost worried.

I turned my glance in his direction. I suppose if I had had my way, we would be riding at full gallop, day and night in the other direction. I sighed and shook my head. "Only slightly." I paused a moment. "We should have stayed with the others."

He blinked, seeming genuinely bewildered that I would suggest such a thing. "But you're sick." Concern ran thick in his tone.

Shaking my head, I held back another sigh and found his eyes with mine. "No, I'm pregnant... I'm told there is a significant difference." I heard the healer swallow a laugh.

Nuriko still looked worried. "You're the emperor... we have to take care of you." His face fell and he looked away, his voice suddenly distant and sad. "If anyone, I should be there now."

Sighing, I watched him before pulling my eyes away to watch the ground in front of me. "I'm sorry. It's my fault you aren't. It's my fault we all aren't." And that was true. If it were not for me, they would be there, with the miko.

I felt more than saw him frowning. "Don't say that." His expression suddenly shifted, and his words grew lighter. "Some things require two people..." He left it hanging and gave me a meaningful glance. I glanced back at Mitsukake and flushed. But I had to stifle a smile that suddenly threatened my face. I looked at Nuriko. He could always make me smile. Mitsukake seemed to mostly pretend that he had not heard what was said, his dark silent eyes searching the distance.

Nuriko gave me a gentle grin. "So relax. Everything will be fine. They'll get the shinzahou. I know they will."

I nodded, giving him a small smile in return, knowing I had to believe that, to believe in them. "Hai..."

We arrived in Kounan finally, exhausted from traveling. The pregnancy that had been unnoticeable before had taken a firm hold on me. I had put on weight despite the inhospitable conditions of traveling in which I had been living, and my waist was beginning to grow with our child. It was not overly noticeable under the clothing I wore, but I knew, I could tell. My mind was largely on this as we entered the palace gates. Nearly throwing the horse at the stable hand, Nuriko dismounted and ran into the palace, toward the throne room.

"It's so good to be back!" His voice rang through the hallways, a melody to the echoing cadence of his footfalls. He cast a glance back to see if I were following, which I was, someways behind. My mind flew through the things I could say to Akito. I wondered if he would notice. He had always been able to see everything. Every last thing I had tried to hide from him had always been found out before I had even thought he suspected. So of course I would tell him. But what would he say? He had wanted an heir for the throne, but even so...

"Akito-saaaaaaaannn!!" Nuriko greeted cheerfully as he stepped into the throne room. Lingering just outside the doorway and off to the side, I could see them, but remained invisible myself. I saw Akito look up, his eyes obviously searching for something and not able to find it.

"Where is she?" he asked curtly, scanning the room again as though expecting me to suddenly appear.

Nuriko glanced behind him and called my name. "Hotohori!!" He peeked his head just outside the door, grinning as he caught sight of me. "Coming, love?"

Seeing no other options, I stepped into the room, smiling slightly at Nuriko and casting wary glances at Akito. Would he notice? What would he say. These thoughts were nearly dislodged from my mind by Nuriko as he placed a quick kiss on my cheek. I watched as he nearly pranced over to Akito, his grin still etched across his face. "I bet you didn't miss us!"

Raising a whitened eyebrow, Akito watched us both with his typical knowing smirk. His dark eyes glittered with questions as he shifted himself in his chair. He looked the same as when we had left him, the same as I had always known him to look. His hair had long ago shed its dark color to take on a white streaked with silver, untouched by the grey that took so many others. Lines had only begun to touch his face, and were it not for his hair, he could easily have passed for a younger man.

"The palace was notably quieter, Nuriko-sama... but I'm glad to see you back." Akito paused for a moment, his eyes darkening slightly, lightened only by a small glimmer of curiosity. "But you're far ahead of schedule..." He left it hanging, waiting for us to explain.

Nuriko blinked and glanced back at me. He knew the reason as well as I did. The baby. His face was suddenly solemn. He would not be the one to tell Akito, I knew that. I looked at the older man, the man who had been the closest thing to a father I had ever had, and sighed slightly. "Hai... we are..." I said quietly, skirting the issue.

"Why?" he asked bluntly, his sharp eyes darting between the two of us. Nuriko still stood close to him, just beside his desk, while I was some ways away from the both of them. Akito's brush was still held in his hand, poised over his papers, already scarred with the slashes of his writing.

Nuriko's face colored slightly as a blush took hold of him, and he glanced down at the smooth wooden floor of the throne room. "I think Hotohori should explain..."

My eyes widened a bit. Why was I so afraid of telling Akito? "It's a long complicated story..." I said lamely. Did I fear what he would think? Was I afraid he would disapprove?

Akito did not seem to care how long the story was. Turning his dark eyes to focus on me, he studied me with his knowing gaze. "Oh, I have all day, please explain."

Trying to be quiet and indiscreet, Nuriko began inching towards the door for an escape. He glanced at me hesitantly after each move. I saw his attempt at fleeing and threw him a helpless, pleading look. I could not do this without him here. Taking a breath, I turned my eyes back to Akito. "I wasn't feeling overly well... and... well..."

Nuriko gave me a shy smile, finally making it back to my side, seeming to relax as he created distance between himself and my chief advisor. "Just tell him..." he said quietly, touching my arm slightly, encouragingly. I looked down at him for a moment, at his perfect smiling face.

Akito's words brought my eyes back up to face him. "Yes, just tell me. Listen to Nuriko-sama. He's wise beyond his years at times."

I bit my lip and tore my eyes from his, focusing them on the ground. Quietly, I admitted the truth. "I'm pregnant, Akito." The man I had known my entire life, whom I had trusted with everything and who knew my every secret, stared at me, his jaw dropped. A long moment passed, both of us silent. Perhaps the silence would have gone on forever, but for a small, soft laugh off to my side. Suddenly, Nuriko's arms were around me, in a tight hug. His face glowed with happiness.

"Well... yes..." Akito's voice seemed gruff, and for the first time since I had known him, I believe he looked flustered. "We'll of course have to announce that the empress is pregnant, Nuriko-sama will have to play the part... and we'll have to make sure it's well hidden with you, heika-sama. I'll have the clothes altered, of course." His words were too quick. He did not know what to say. He was unsure, almost nervous. I had never seen him like that. Not looking up at him, I simply nodded, focusing my eyes on the floor and feeling like a child being scolded.

Burying his face in my shoulder, Nuriko spoke quietly, his voice rather muffled. "You'll make such a wonderful mother..." He cut short a quiet laugh. "Or father..." I hugged him back tightly, so grateful to have him there, suddenly struck again at how lucky I was... to have found him... and to have recovered him from the icy hands of death that had almost taken him. Finally, I turned my eyes back to Akito, questioningly.

I was unprepared for the sudden smile that spread across his face. "Congratulations, Sai-chan. I'm happy for you." His sharp eyes went distant for a moment, as they tended to do at times, a deep sadness settling over them. This quickly faded though, never lasting more than a moment, and his gaze snapped back to the present. "I feel ancient, but I'm happy." I smiled back at him slightly, relieved and quiet. Everything would be all right.

In my arms, Nuriko suddenly froze, his entire body stiffening against mine and his smile being washed from his face in an instant. He turned terrified eyes up to me. I felt it too, at the same moment. I could not move. It was stifling, the feeling that washed over me. I could not breathe, or speak, as though something had been forcibly ripped from me, a piece of myself that I had not known existed. I looked back down at Nuriko, my expression mirroring his.

His voice was a horrified whisper, almost breathless. "Chiriko.." The name caught in his throat. It was not a question, but a soft impossible reality. Akito, not understanding what was going on, blinked at us. Nuriko's eyes widened even more, and he looked, for all the world, like a lost, scared child.

I nodded, shutting my eyes and lowering my head, fighting back the sudden flash of tears. "He's only a child..." My voice was strained. What we had just felt, what had suddenly washed over us, leaving us with nothing but cold dread and emptiness was the death of one of our own. One of the Suzaku seishi... Chiriko. I could not believe it. I would not allow myself to... and yet... it was true. There was no way it could be otherwise.

Shaking slightly, Nuriko buried his face in my shoulder again, trying to keep his feet and remain standing. "It's not true."

My eyes still closed, I simply held as much as clutched tightly to Nuriko. "Chiriko..." I repeated softly.

His voice was tight, strained, and filled with tears. "It's not true..." he protested again.

I did not answer him. I knew the truth, as much as I did not want to believe it. Chiriko was dead. A child... a friend... and it was my fault. If I had been there, or Mitsukake, or Nuriko, it would have been all right. And I was the reason none of us were there. It was my fault Chiriko was dead. My fault for not fulfilling my duty.

Almost violently, he pulled away from me, tears shimmering on his cheeks. "It's not true!!" He backed away slowly to the door, shaking his head in disbelief and then broke into a run, disappearing quickly from sight.

I stood silently for a moment, staring at the air in front of me, pushing back the tears that were trying to fall from my eyes.

"Sai-chan..." Akito said, stepping towards me warily. His familiar face was concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Chiriko..." I managed to say, "is dead..." The tears began falling silently from my eyes.

"Oh, Sai-chan..." he said, stepping closer once again. "Just now?"

I nodded, brushing angrily at the tears. Nuriko had run from me, and I knew I would have to go find him in a moment, to try and comfort him, and to find my own solace in him as well. I nodded silently in response to Akito's question.

In an uncharacteristic display of emotion, he hugged me, briefly wrapping his still-strong arms around me before stepping away. I looked at him for moment before smiling a small sad smile at him. I knew what it had taken for him to do that, and I was more grateful than I could have told him. But he knew. He was, after all, like a father to me. "You should go after your husband..." he said quietly, his voice lacking all sarcasm, all biting comment, ringing instead with that strange sadness that lived in his eyes. "You need each other."

"Thank you, Akito..." I said quietly, watching him for a moment more before turning and leaving the room. I walked towards Nuriko's room- his old one, knowing that's where he would be. But I walked slowly, allowing us both some time alone, to think, to feel... and to grieve.   


  


Part Twenty-Two

  
  


The tears wouldn't stop falling.

I was usually strong. This wasn't like me. Why had that small boy's death affected me so much?

I think I knew. Kourin, then Tamahome's family, and then this... everyone younger than me to whom I had been even slightly close was dead. My face was almost pressed into the bed, muffling my sobs. So much death, so much pain...

I shut my eyes, clutching the blankets with my fists, afraid to rip the material. I always had to keep my strength in check. I wished that just once I wouldn't have to worry so much. A wave of tears clouded my throat, choking me.

I was in my old room, the one in which I had lived before I married the emperor. It was safe here, my place of refuge. I had barely been in her room when we had left for Hokkan. Here was where I belonged.

It was my fault. I should have been there. I just could have sent Hotohori and Mitsukake, and then I could have been there...

But no. That was wrong.

Miaka was my first priority. No matter what, I had to protect her.

Hotohori was my second priority. And after Miaka was gone, she and our child would be the most important things. My life was to protect them, to live for them.

I took a deep breath, trying to still the tears. But Mitsukake could have been there. It was selfish of me to take him for her. The tears just kept falling.

The feeling I had gotten at his death reminded me strongly of my own brush with the afterlife. I could almost feel the claws ripping, tearing into my skin, destroying my flesh, the blood dripping out from me between his individual claws. I could feel the cold as it impacted places that should not be exposed to such conditions. I feel the needles of ice from his claws inside my lungs, quickly drowned out by the rush of blood. I could feel the agony as I coughed once, crimson from my lips staining my face, coming up from my throat, dazzling the snow with joyful color. I could hear the terror in Hotohori's voice as she screamed my name, see her outline rushing toward me as I fell for the last time, feel the gentle embrace of the snow as I landed.

The touch on my shoulder was so gentle that I almost didn't notice it at first. I pulled away slightly, pushing closer to the bed. The hand was drawn back and I heard the soft breath of my wife as she stood behind me, watching me silently before speaking. "I'm sorry." Her gentle voice was quiet.

I could hear the pain in her voice, could almost see it in the air. I wanted to do something to help, anything, but was unable to do much but cry. I just wanted to be held as a child might be, like when I was younger, as my mother would hold me.

But I was an adult now. I was married and I was soon to have a child. I had to be strong.

She sat beside me on the bed, reaching out a hand and touching my shaking back lightly, still quiet. I knew that she was unsure what to do. I was the one who dealt with emotions better.

I moved over slightly and buried my face in her lap, suddenly frightened to lose her, afraid that she might turn me away. I felt insecure, the brevity of life vivid in my mind. It was such a mood change from earlier. My hands clutched the blankets still. She moved her hand to my head, stroking my hair lightly, gently. "I'm so sorry, Nuriko..."

I was desperately trying to calm my sobs. I wanted to help her. Her fingers kept idling through my hair, gentle, sweet, and it meant so much to me.

I managed after a few minutes of her just stroking my hair to calm myself slightly. I slowly pulled myself up onto the bed beside her, the familiar contours of the room relieving me a bit. I kept my eyes down, but pulled her to me, embracing her gently. She hugged me back. I knew she didn't know what to say. It was all right. She didn't need to say anything.

My voice was tight, the shuddering breaths that come after you cry seeping up through my throat. "Are you all right?"

She nodded, silent.

I hugged her a little tighter. "Gomen... I'm here... if you want to cry..." I was forcing my own emotions down, away, forcing myself to be strong. I would be here for her if she wanted me. I would always be here for her.

She shook her head, moving slightly against me, her arms tightening around me in response. "Iie..."

I shut my eyes, quiet, leaning against her and drawing more strength from her than she could ever know, just her mere presence. I needed her so much. My voice was whispered, low. "It's late..."

Her voice matched mine. "Hai, it is."

I held her tightly, clinging to her for strength. It was late and soon it would be time to sleep.

The pictures of blood were so intense in my mind's eye that I did not let go of her as we made our way to our room. We were silent as we undressed for bed, silent as we lay down together, and silent as I took her in my arms to sleep, holding each other for comfort.

And the claws were back inside me, tearing me apart into small pieces, scattering me all over the snow. I watched helplessly as Hotohori screamed my name and I fell, and kept falling, reaching out for her as she grew further and further away. Blood was dripping from me, falling into oblivion, and I was too weak to touch anything, too far away to do anything, to comfort her.

Yet the claws were inside me, even as I lay bleeding, dying, on the invisible freezing snow, and everything was turning to black around me, and I was perched on his claws, suspended in the air, pressing nail to my lungs, blood everywhere, flowing from me like a fountain, staining Hotohori's face, destroying her, eating away at her skin, and I-   
  


It was late. Darkness had taken hold of the room, wrapping it so tightly that no light shone in. But then, there was no light to be shed from anywhere. The moonless sky was clouded over so that even the stars were hidden under a heavy shroud of stifling grey. I lay awake, sleep just beyond my reach, as it had been for so many nights. I turned over, annoyed. I had thought the trouble I had been having sleeping would vanish once I was home in my own bed, but obviously I was wrong.

And so I lay awake, beside the sleeping form of my husband, my eyes shut in case he should wake up and look. And before my closed eyes, accusing faces and stares appeared, pointing at me, casting blame that I could not deny. Because it was my fault. Chiriko was dead. And it was my fault that Mitsukake had not been there to help him, my fault that his young life had to end so quickly. My eyes fluttered open to look at Nuriko briefly. His pain was my fault too. He had been protecting me when that creature had attacked us. His blood had been spilled because of me and despite me, all around me and onto my hands. My fault. Everything. All the pain, all the anguish. Because of me.

I shut my eyes again, trying to break away from these restless thoughts, trying to find sleep, but I was not allowed to. A sudden motion and fearful cry beside me caused me to sit straight up, looking around in fright. Nuriko sat beside me, body rigid and eyes wide, barely visible through the complete darkness. His body glistened with sweat, and his breathing was heavy, nearly panting, as though he had just been running.

The expression on his face frightened me. "Nuriko?" I whispered quietly, watching him worriedly.

At the sound of my voice, he turned his wide, frightened eyes to me and pulled me closely against him. I could hear his harsh ragged breath in my hear. He spoke, his voice tight, soft with barely held-back tears. "You're all right... you're all right..."

Cautiously, I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close, feeling his entire body shaking in my arms. He was terrified of something that I could not see, that I did not know. "Of course I'm all right..." My voice dropped even softer. "Nuriko..."

He simply held me, his breath calming slightly and his tense form relaxing. Whatever dark vision had clouded his eyes seemed to be passing, but still he repeated softly, "You're all right..." He let a small sigh escape into the still darkness and hugged me a bit tighter, but as always, carefully, gently, as though he were afraid of breaking me. I had seen what he could do; I had witnessed his strength on many occasions, but always with me he was soft, gentle. "I'm glad..." his voice trailed off.

Unsure what to say or do, I kept my arms around him, holding him and letting him hold me. Finally, I threw tact aside and simply asked, my voice barely a whisper in the night, "What happened, Nuriko? What's wrong?"

He shivered slightly. "Just... just... a bad dream." He shut his eyes tightly, his body going motionless once again.

I nodded in understanding, knowing the power bad dreams could have. Unconsciously, I pulled him closer to me, wanting to help, wanting to still the fear that chilled him, that made his eyes so wide with fright. "Are you all right?"

He pulled away from my and looked down, seeming to be embarrassed, as the shock of his dream wore off. "H-hai... gomen ne...." He sent me a quick, half-hearted smile through the darkness. I understood what he was doing; I had done it myself. He was afraid to let any weakness show, afraid not to be completely strong. "We should sleep... you really need it..." His eyes were not meeting my own.

I watched him a moment more through the dark of the room before glancing off to another spot in the blackness. Sleep, I knew, would not come to me so easily in any case. And his sleep had been destroyed by his nightmare. Quietly, almost talking to the night that surrounded me, I spoke. "It's all right to be afraid, you know..." I paused a moment, wanting again to tell him how much I loved him, how much I wanted to still the fear in his eyes. "I may not always know what to say... or do, but I'll always be here, to help, in any way I can." My eyes still watched the darkness and I briefly wondered if my eyes were closed. It was so completely and utterly black where I gazed that I could not tell for sure.

His arms were around me again suddenly, holding me silently for a moment. I wish I could have heard his thoughts, but they, of course, were known only by himself and the night around us. And then he broke the silence, voice soft. "You do..."

I did not argue with him, though I knew that I had not. I had only made things worse, had only caused all the pain that was around me. Keeping such thoughts to myself, I pulled away, kissing him lightly on the cheek. No other words were spoken as we both lay back down together. I moved closer to him, nearly lying against him, listening until his breathing became regular and sleep took him gently within its folds again. When I was sure that his slumber was deep enough that he would not wake, I shut my eyes and let myself cry silently, my tears slipping from my eyes and falling onto my hair as it lay spread on the snow white pillow.   
  


I raised my hand to the door that led to the chambers my brother was occupying at the palace while we had been gone. My eyes drifted back to Hotohori. She stood a bit behind me, waiting for me to knock, not looking as comfortable as she could have.

A week had passed since our return. Somehow, things had changed slightly between us. There was something she was keeping from me, but I thought I knew what it was. It seemed obvious. There was a possibility that I was wrong about my suspicions, but it didn't happen very often- especially not with her.

I gave her a small smile and turned back, knocking lightly on the door. From inside, my brother's muffled voice called to us. "Hai!! Just a minute please!"

We waited a moment, my breath moving through my lungs softly as I exhaled. The door opened and Rokou opened the door with a rather silly grin on his face, looking a bit flustered and embarrassed. He blinked as he saw me in female clothing, then glanced behind me to my wife. His eyes returned to me again and his grin widened. "Ryuuen-chan! You're home early."

The look I gave him was more than slightly dirty. Not only was a married, I was going to be a father. I no longer needed that diminuitive attached to my name. "Yes," I said rather coldly.

He was still grinning at me. "Come in! Meet my wife!"

I stared at him a minute, then glanced back to Hotohori. Wife?

She blinked and raised an eyebrow at him. "I hadn't realized you were married..."

He gave her a shy grin. "We got married soon after you left... Her name is Houki..."

A little impatient to meet the woman who would lower herself to marry my brother, I said, "Then let us in, aniki, so we can meet her."

He smiled shyly again and stepped back. "I win," he whispered to me as I passed.

I felt more than saw Hotohori smile in amusement at us. "Congratulations, Rouko..."

I pushed past him to see the poor girl and then stopped and stared as I caught sight of her. I turned wide, surprised eyes to my brother, who looked more than slightly puzzled. "What's wrong?" he asked, a bit confused.

Hotohori was still standing in the doorway, her view obscured by my brother.

The girl in the room at whom I was staring was standing a bit away, smiling a bit nervously. I recognized her. She had been in the harem with me. We had exchanged greetings occasionally, but did not really know each other. Yet there was one thing about us, one thing that had always drawn me toward her- her resemblance to Kourin... and me. I gave my brother an odd look. "Aniki... she looks like me..."

Rokou blinked at me, giving me an odd look back. His eyes flickered to Houki and then to me, looking a little surprised. She was still smiling, looking confused and unsure.

Hotohori heard my comment and stepped in, glancing at her and then to me. "He's right," she confirmed, the amusement growing on her face.

I folded my arms over my chest, giving him a dirty look. "So she looks like me, but I'm definitely not more beautiful than Hotohori."

He still look stunned, quiet for a moment. "She doesn't look like you!" he protested, after thinking this through.

Hotohori smiled. "Yes, she does." She side-stepped the two of us and walked over to the girl. "Hello... I'm Hotohori, Rokou-san's..." She stopped, clearing trying to decide between sister-in-law and brother-in-law. "Well, I married to his brother." She smiled a bit. "Congratulations on your marriage."

I was still glaring at my brother. "I think there's something wrong with you."

"She doesn't look like you!!" he protested, starting to get annoyed with me.

The girl smiled, looking very unsure, her eyes straying to my brother and I, looking uncomfortably and understandably confused. I felt bad for a moment, but it didn't last. She may as well get used to me soon.

Hotohori glanced at us. "Don't mind them." Her sweet voice was gentle.

Houki nodded, still unsure. "H-hai..."

I glared at Rokou again and meandered over to my lovely wife, slipping an arm around her waist. "I still think I win."

He glared back. "It's unfortunate that you are wrong."

She sighed slightly, not bothering to hide the amused smile on her face. But I was glad. She had been so stressed and upset these past few weeks... it was nice to see her smile.

Houki was gazing at me with wide eyes, obviously caught by the resemblance as well. I vaguely wondered if she was questioning Rokou's reasons for marrying her and laughed to myself. Even Rokou wasn't that bad.

I made a noise to indicate that I was insulted, pulled away from Hotohori, taking Houki's arm in mine, and walked to the other end of the room, leaving Hotohori and Rokou together. "We'll leave the men to themselves..." I smirked at Hotohori over my shoulder as I walked.

She laughed and I was delighted. She shook her head slightly and turned to Rokou, giving him a slight grin.

Houki was a little surprised, needless to say, about what I was doing. "A... hai..." she agreed rather bewilderedly.

In a hushed voice, I whispered to my unwilling co-conspirator, listening in on Hotohori's and Rokou's conversation. "So he's treating you right?"

My brother gave Hotohori a puzzled look. "She doesn't really look like him... their hair is sort of the same color, but they don't look alike..." He was studying us, our heads bent together.

Houki nodded in response to me. "Hai... that is, he is. We're happy... at least I think he's happy. I hope so. He seems glad to see you." She was still unsure, as I had been at first with Hotohori, but they seemed to be a good match. She smiled shyly at me.

Hotohori laughed again, glancing at the two of us. "They look like sisters..." She blinked, a bit surprised by her own words. "Siblings... that is," she amended herself hastily.

I heard her comment and cast her a dark glare, then realized what that had meant. Even the person closest to me in the world thought I look like a girl. That meant I could pull off being the empress with ease. A smirk bloomed my face. I could do this. I could make this work.

Rokou frowned slightly. "Yes, Ryuuen-chan and Houki could pass as..." He stifled a smile. "Sisters..."

She was trying not to smile as well. "Sorry, Nuriko." But she didn't sound overly sorry. That was all right.

Houki laughed, a soft, sweet, innocent sound, looking toward me and then to Rokou, looking as she felt a bit less uncomfortable.

I nearly danced away from Houki, toward Rokou. I was happier than I had been for a while. "And, aniki, we have a surprise!" I announced gleefully.

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Hotohori blinked. "What surprise?" A selective memory? I wondered if she was playing dumb or if she really didn't know what it was we had neglected to tell him.

Houki came over too, taking Rokou's arm and smiling at us. "Really?" It was odd. I had never seen my brother with a girl before. I shook my head slightly. "Here, Hotohori-sama, Nuriko-sama..." She gestured to a table and set of four chairs I the corner of the room. "I'll make tea...?"

I gave Hotohori a little, mischievous grin. "The big surprise, love." I turned my eyes up to Houki. "That would be wonderful, Houki-san."

Rokou looked confused. "Surprise?"

Houki moved away from us, presumably to make tea. Hotohori nodded, still a bit unsure about telling people. "Of course..." she trailed off.

I pulled out a chair for her, seating her, as Rokou sat down across from her, curious.

She raised her beautiful face to me, smiling, as Houki brought the tea over, serving it as a true maiden. I noted that she had the coordination, delicacy, and poise that I had never seemed to master.

I sat myself, resting an arm on the table, fawning over my wife because I knew that Rokou was watching. Rokou looked like he was anxious to know. "Well, heika-sama?" he asked, his curiosity piqued.

I reached out and took her hand, reveling in the delicate softness I found there. "Yes, heika-sama, tell them."

Houki sat at the last place, remaining quiet and proper. In some ways, watching her, I wondered if someone like her could have been better for Hotohori. She was graceful, beautiful, proper, modest... things that I was not. And it would not be hard to fall in love with Hotohori... And yet Hotohori loved me. But had that been the wisest course? I smiled slightly. Though not reassured, I was content.

Hotohori smiled, a little forcedly, at me. "Why don't you tell them? He's your brother..." She squeezed my hand meaningfully.

I raised her fingers to my lips, smiling sweetly. "But it's your difficulty right now, ne, Sai'ai?"

Rokou was definitely starting to get annoyed. I was enjoying this.

And yet Hotohori decided to stop torturing him. She turned her gaze to him and smiled slightly. "What Nuriko is trying to get me to tell you is that we're having a baby."

I smirked widely. "Who's we?"

Rokou suddenly smiled. "Oh, Ryuuen-chan, congratulations!" His face suddenly changed to one of stunned amazement. "I feel so old... My sweet little brother..."

Houki was smiling at both of us. "Oh, a baby! How wonderful!! You both must be so happy." I noted to myself that we had found a baby-sitter.

Hotohori smiled slightly, her voice quiet. "Hai."

I stifled at smirk, seeing my brother's face. "Of course."

Houki glanced at Rokou, seeming to wonder if he was just going to keep staring at us.

Hotohori, completely calmly and unaffected, sipped her tea silently.

"I still win," said Rokou, flustered, looking as if he were about to pout.

I glared, silent. Of course he hadn't won. That was obvious. My wife just laughed quietly beside me.

Houki was still watching Rokou. "What on earth are you talking about?"

I smirked again. Oh, this was fun. "Yes, explain it to her, sweet brother."

He gave her startled look. "Anou..."

She tilted her head to the side, watching him. "Well?"

Hotohori cast me an amused glance. Apparently she was enjoying my brother's consternation as much as I was.

He was a bit pink. "Well..." His stalling tactic was one I had seen many times before. So I assisted him.

"When aniki and I were younger, we made a bet to see who would marry the prettiest woman," I told her cheerfully, grinning at her. "It's really nothing personal..."

She blinked. "I see..." Her eyes drifted to Rokou, feigning hurt. "Is that why you married me? Because I looked..." Her voice trailed off at the end.

Hotohori decided to finish it for her though, under her breath. "Like his brother?"

My eyes widened at the biting comment and I glared. My brother's eyes widened as well, but not for the same reason. "No!!" He actually looked upset. "You know that's not why!" His voice got gently. "It's because I love you..."

I nudged him. I didn't need this in front of me. I was too young! "So you _do_ have a soft spot..."

He completely ignored me, taking Houki's hand shyly. She smiled at him gently, her voice quiet. "I know... I love you too."

I glanced out of the corner of my eye to Hotohori, who was smiling. I took a sip of my tea, pleased, though trying to look amusedly annoyed. Rokou gave me a slight glare, but it was clear that his attention was not focused on his younger brother.

"Well, aniki, we ought to be going," I said cheerfully, smirking. "I'm sure you two have lots to do... I know we do." I gave Hotohori a little smile.

He blinked at me, stunned as to what I was insinuating.

Hotohori stood, smiling back at me slightly, and then turned to look at my brother and his new wife. "It was good seeing you again, Rouko-san, and wonderful meeting your lovely wife..." She remained remarkably silent on the issue of family resemblances.

Houki stood as well, moving to stand behind my brother, resting a hand lightly on his shoulder and smiling silently.

I gave them a little grin, moving over beside Houki. I noted that she was shorter than me with satisfaction, and leaned down and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "Make sure he's good to you." I grinned at Rokou and moved back to my wife, slipping an arm around the waist I could feel was starting to blossom with our child. I wondered vaguely if it was a girl or boy.

Rokou gave me a dirty look. "I'll see you later, Ryuuen-chan." I noted with distaste that his tone leaned a little over the "chan" attached to my name.

Hotohori moved toward the door and I followed. She gave me a little smile as I shut it behind us. "They're cute together," she remarked pleasantly.

I was pleased. I liked Houki, though she deserved better than _my_ brother. I smiled at that. "Very." My suddenly felt pensive. "But she looked like me..."

She hid a grin. "Only a bit." She glanced at me as we walked toward the throne room, my long skirts swishing against the ground. "Your brother has good taste..." She paused a moment, her tone going strangely serious. "But you're much more beautiful..."

I laughed cheerily. It was so good to see her happy. I had been so worried. "And so are you!" I took her arm in mine and we went on our way.   


  


Part Twenty-Three

  
  


There should not have been blood. Not that there was an extensive amount of it, nor was it even a steady flow, but it was there. That in itself was enough to worry me. I held the fabric in my hands, staring at it dismally, at the crimson stain that the had appeared on it. Crumpling it up into a ball, I jammed it into the corner of the room, unsure what to do with it for the moment.

The heavy robes I wore seemed to drag heavily at that moment and I sat down. The robes were necessary to hide the fact that I was pregnant. Rather obviously pregnant. My stomach had sometime since grown with the child that I carried inside me. Absently, I lay my hand on my stomach, sighing slightly. My hair fell across my face in disarray that I did not care enough to fix.

Bleeding. I did not know what this meant, but I knew it was not good. Our child, our baby... Shutting my eyes, I shook my head. The fear I had harbored about having this child still lingered inside me, whispering to me in quiet moments uncertainties and what-ifs that left me feeling lost and hopeless. But more than that, I wanted our baby, Nuriko's and mine. And this bleeding could not be a normal part of pregnancy. Was it a warning that something was wrong? Had I somehow hurt the baby within me? I lay down on the bed, resting for a moment. I would be required in the throne room soon; matters of the country were in need of my direction.

Nuriko was out somewhere, I did not know where for sure. Nuriko, gods... what would he say about this? I had not told him and I did not plan on doing so just yet. There was no need to worry him. He had already been through so much. I loved him too much to want to worry him anymore. His dark eyes, though still alive and bright with his life, were still haunted. In those quiet empty times when he thought no one was looking, when he thought no one could see, I saw the pain that had imprinted itself there, the memories of blood and fear, the feeling of loss, the harsh sting of a cold reality that had taken us both by surprise.

He did not need to know about this just yet. Perhaps there would be no reason to be worried. I would find out soon. Sighing to myself, I ran my fingers over the smooth fabric of the bed sheets, taking comfort from the way the material slid beneath my skin. I would go to Mitsukake. It was then that I felt it; something within me stirred, a tiny movement that took me by surprise. Placing my hand on my stomach, I remained perfectly still, and it happened again. I felt it, the soft kicking. Our baby was moving. I smiled to myself. It was still all right... Perhaps the bleeding would be nothing, just a strange occurrence, maybe even something normal...

But no, that was wrong. Something was not right. I knew it. I could feel it. My entire body felt weak. Simple things were such a trial lately; I was so tired. So tired... but there were things I had to do. I would see Mitsukake after I met with my advisors... this evening. I shut my eyes again, fighting off the sleep I struggled so often to find at night. Time flew past me suddenly; everything moved so fast. The chill breeze that stirred the air, the song of the birds that made their homes just outside my window, the shining sun that streamed through the closed shades, they all flew further and further away from me as sleep pulled me deeper and deeper into a dreamless, restless slumber.   
  


Something wasn't right.

I might not have been Chiriko, but I was no fool. When Hotohori was hiding something, I knew. And the blood was hard to hide. I _did_ share her bed. I was beginning to wonder if that was all I did.

No, that was wrong of me. I sighed, worried, and moved from the bed to the window. She had been curt with everyone, even me. I knew it wasn't because of something I had done- at least, not recently- but it still hurt. Light rain was drizzling outside, making soft background noise. It was making me sleepy.

It had been hard to sleep recently. Nightmares plagued me every night. Always they were of the same things- my near-death, Chiriko's death, or losing Hotohori. I always woke up in a cold sweat, shivering under the blankets. I had been getting better recently though. I did not wake up Hotohori as often. I suppose that that was an improvement.

I was still worried though. Bleeding wasn't normal for a pregnancy, I did not think. I wasn't sure, of course, but it did not seem like a good thing.

But it wasn't for me to bring it up. She had to tell me, if she wanted me to know. It rather hurt that she was trying to keep it from me. Hadn't I told her most, if not all, of my worries? I suppose though, that that was slightly unfair. I hadn't told her what my nightmares were, but I think that she must have guessed.

And I should have fewer worries anyway. After all, she had to worry about the entire country, first of all, then Miaka, then our child, the heir, and I could only hope that I fit somewhere in there. I sighed again, quietly. She, after Miaka, was my foremost priority. Why couldn't I be more understanding? A little frustrated with myself for my recent lack of compassion for her, I cast my eyes toward the garden, wondering what she possibly could have seen in me.

My eyes came to rest on a small bush, cluttered with light blue flowers, cheerful, looking as if they enjoyed the rain. I felt my eyes cloud with tears, remembering the other flowers I had given her. So long ago... and yet not.

I stepped outside, barely dressed and not really caring. I dashed through the rain, slipping once and landing rather hapharzardly, getting myself soaked. But I finally reached my goal. I examined the bush carefully, searching through the rain for the most perfect one. I pulled it off the branch, the light blue sparkling with the water on it.

Moving a bit more carefully toward our room again, I carefully tucked the flower into one of my flowing sleeves. When I arrived, I shut the door behind me. I laid the flower on the bed and turned to the closet.

The dress I chose to wear was the one that I had worn when we had eaten dinner that first night, forever ago. I tied up my hair in a similar fashion as to that night, letting some trail down my back. It was slightly damp, but it would dry eventually. I slid my feet into the slippers I had worn that night as well, then turned and picked up the flower on the bed.

I was ready.

I exited our room, my feet padding softly across the wooden floor. I thought she must have been in the throne room, so that was where I directed my steps. At the door there, I raised my hand to knock lightly.   
  


The book lay in my lap, open, but serving little purpose other than giving me something to stare at. The word-scarred page had not been turned in an hour. Idly flipping at the corners of the thin paper sheets, my hands busied themselves while my thoughts flew about my mind. A soft sound broke into my silence, dragging me from my musings- a knock. "Hai? Come in…" I said, watching the door quietly.

A small violet head peeked into the room shyly, and dark familiar eyes scanned the room quickly, coming to rest on me. "Gomen... are you busy?" Nuriko's soft voice was questioning, almost too quiet, as he stepped into the room, hanging back near the door.

Shaking my head, I smiled at him slightly. "No, of course not..." I shut the book in my lap, sliding it onto the seat beside me, not looking at it as I did so, keeping my eyes focused on the slight figure in front of me.

He took another hesitant step towards me and glancing around the empty room. Perhaps he was looking for someone… Akito or another of my advisors. Seeing no one, he shut the door behind him and moved to the throne where I sat. His feet, clad again in his familiar feminine slippers, made only soft noises as they traversed the floor. Shyly, he raised his hand to me, holding up a small flower that glowed vibrant in the dimly lit room. "Gomen... I haven't brought you a flower in a long time." Falling silent, he looked at me, his eyes filled with concern. I was unsure what it was for, but it made me almost uneasy.

I took the flower, looking at him. When I spoke, my voice was almost shy, quiet in the dim air. "Thank you..." I pulled my eyes away from his, away from the concern reflected there, and focused them on the flower. It looked so fragile in my hand, but at the same time, so beautiful, so precious. I remembered the first time he had given me one, after he had discovered my secret. To let me know everything would be all right... was he saying the same thing with this flower? Still unable to bring my eyes to meet his, I watched my hands as I brushed my fingers over the soft petals.

After a minute of startling silence that seemed to last an eternity, I heard his quiet voice again. "Ne... are you all right?"

Forcing myself to look up at him, I suddenly knew. He had to know I was hiding something, or, at the very least, suspect it. I knew I should tell him, but my lips would not form those words. It was wrong to keep silent, but was telling him any better? "I don't know," I said quietly, unsure, my hands clutching tightly to the fragile flower.

Quietly, he sighed and gave me a small smile, the expression seeming to be an effort. "All right... you'll tell me if you want me to know." Hurt flashed across his eyes, gone as quickly as it had appeared, but I saw it. Hurt... because of me? "I'll see you later then. Akito asked me to do some things for him." He turned toward the door, away from me. "I love you..." he said quietly, before starting to the door.

I watched him for a moment, my mind screaming at me to stay silent, to not drag him into my problem, my worries. But something deeper in me refused to be silent any longer. "Nuriko... wait... please..." The decision was made in those three words. Slowly, and lacking any grace I may have possessed before I became pregnant, I stood.

His steps stopped and he stood still, frozen in time. After a minute, he turned, only his head, and glanced at me over his shoulder. "Yes?"

My voice was a quiet whisper. The words were not easy to say and they left me feeling choked, but that may have also been the lump of tears I was holding back, keeping at bay. "It won't go away... I don't know what it is... what's wrong..." My tone dropped even lower. "I'm scared..." And it was more than what was happening inside me that frightened me.

Nuriko turned to me fully. I could feel his eyes on my face, searching for my eyes. He spoke, not much louder than I had. "Please talk to me."

Pulling my eyes to his, I nodded, not saying anything more. Stepping forward again, he reached out and took my hand, matching my silence. Still looking at him, I broke the icy silence between us. "The baby..." I began softly, "something isn't right. I'm bleeding." My hand lay in his, barely holding back.

His hand tightened around mine. "I know," he said quietly.

I was only a bit surprised, mostly afraid. Of course he had known; everything I had done to spare him the worry would have only made him uncertain. "I didn't want to worry you... you've been through so much..." I trailed off, shaking my head slightly, angry with myself. "I hoped it would stop... but it didn't and..." I managed not to sound frantic.

"Hotohori..." he whispered, saying nothing more.

"I don't want to lose our baby..." I fell into silence as well, finding nothing else to say, watching my words abandon me completely.

I felt his eyes on me a moment more. "Can we go see Mitsukake?" he asked quietly. I nodded, still not saying anything. Giving me another small smile, he pulled me towards the door, not releasing my hand. Letting myself be led like a child, I followed him in relative silence that was broken only by the sound of our footsteps and the distant whisper of wind through the palace trees. Raising a hand, Nuriko knocked on the door to the healer's room and took a step back, moving beside me, waiting for an answer.

From inside, muffled a bit, Mitsukake's deep voice came in response. "Door's open..."

Nuriko pushed it open and stepped in, tugging me gently behind him. I still felt rather like a wayward child, being led towards a lecture. I cast my gaze about the room and spotted the tall man halfway into a small closet. As I watched, he removed himself and drew himself up to his full height, turning his dark quiet gaze to us. "Nuriko... heika..." He greeted, inclining his head slightly. "What can I do for you?"

Beside me, Nuriko released my hand and glanced up at me. I managed to bring my gaze to meet that of the tall man. "Something is wrong... I think... with the baby."

Nodding in response, Mitsukake gestured for both of us to sit down. "What exactly?"

Not accepting his invitation for a seat, I told him. "I... I've been bleeding." I stopped short. A gentle hand took mine again and I glanced over at Nuriko, quietly, grateful for his presence. If it were not for him... Nodding to himself, Mitsukake began looking me over, a small frown settling on his face. Uncomfortably, I stood, unsure what to do as the healer examined me. Nuriko stood beside me, looking a bit uneasy as well. Nervously, I clutched onto his hand, frightened of what Mitsukake would tell us. Nodding once again, he turned his eyes to us, fixing my husband and myself beneath his sad perceptive gaze.

"Well?" Nuriko's voice betrayed the nervousness we both felt.

Gathering his words in his mind, the tall man continued watching us for a time before answering. "I can heal you... but..."

The relief that had not been given time to take seed was shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. "But?" I repeated. Nuriko's eyes raised to me, unsure.

Mitsukake sighed, looking as though he did not want to speak his next words. "If I heal you... there will be... danger to the baby."

I could not say anything in response. Our baby... no. My free hand strayed to my stomach even as I tightened my other around Nuriko's. I could not lose our baby. Nuriko's hand squeezed mine in response. "What do you mean?"

"I can't heal her without disrupting the baby..." He turned his gaze to me, looking too calm, too professional, as he spoke. "You could lose it." It. So cold, so detached, but his dark eyes still held that distant sadness.

Neither I nor my husband moved for a time, afraid. Suddenly the life inside me seemed so fragile, delicate. "Then it's better to leave things as they are?" I asked quietly, unsure I wanted the answer.

Before my words were even spoken, the healer shook his head slowly.

"Please tell us what to do." Nuriko's voice was soft and tight with something held back, something that only laced the very edge of his words.

"I can't make this choice for you," Mitsukake began softly, his voice losing its aloof feeling. "If you leave things as they are... even if the baby makes it, there will be a danger to you during the labor, heika."

"I won't lose our baby..." I looked at Mitsukake. That was something I could not do. My voice was quiet, but final, a tone I had long ago learned and mastered. A whisper spoken firmly, definitely, accomplished more than a shouted word of doubt. "I won't."

Nuriko's eyes turned to me, his face looking torn. "And I can't lose you..." he said, trailing off. I looked at him silently, unable to say anything to him, just watching the apprehension that swirled in his eyes.

He tore his eyes away from mine, looking down, his mood suddenly different. "Do what you feel is right."

Shaking my head, I dropped my gaze as well, not wanting my husband or the tall healer to see the tears that had begun gathering in my eyes. "I..."

Nuriko's eyes lifted to Mitsukake. "We need to think... we'll be back soon." He took my hand again and pulled me to the door, casting a grateful look to the healer before shutting the door in between us. I followed after Nuriko silently. I knew what my choice should be. It would be selfish to put my fear before the innocent life of our baby, but I was scared and fear is indeed a strong emotion.

After a silent journey, Nuriko pulled me into our room, seating me on the bed. His movements were slow, worried, each step measured but hasty. In this manner, he sat himself beside me on the bed, his eyes watching me in silence.

Almost warily, I glanced over at him. "Nuriko..." I stopped there, unsure of what to say further.

"Tell me what you think." His voice was quiet, almost too quiet. Something unsaid lay hidden behind his dark eyes.

"I don't want to lose our baby." Again I spoke the words in a whispered voice, but this time it was more frantic, more pleading than it was certain. He nodded slightly, completely still save for that small movement, even the normal spark in his eyes had ceased it's normal dancing to fall into a motionless slumber. "But I'm scared..." I finished, my voice and words trailing off.

His voice was as quiet as mine had been. "I'm scared too..." He gave me a weak smile, a half-hearted attempt at reassurance. "Terrified, really, but it doesn't matter. I'm here, whatever you need." He stopped his words and looked at me, watching me with eyes that spoke more than his voice.

Cautiously, I reached my arms out to him, wrapping them around him and pulling him into a light hug. "I love you," I whispered, not having any other words to say. I only wanted to be safe, warm, so I sought refuge in his arms.

A slight smile crossed his face as he hugged me back. "It's going to be fine... I know it is." He sounded so sure, so certain that I believed him. In that moment, I think I truly believed him.

I nodded. "It will be..." It had to be.

He pulled away, a lingering moment later, and his eyes searched for mine again. "What are we going to do?" He was trying to be strong. I could see that. His eyes and face were a mask to hide what he felt, his voice soft, restrained.

I just looked at him, unable to answer his question, not knowing the answer myself. Uncertainty and fear wound themselves about me again, nearly taking the breath from my lips. "I don't know..." I said, my voice almost choked. What could I do?

Quietly, questioningly, he answered me with another inquiry. "What do you want to do?"

Shaking my head and dropping my eyes, I rested my hand lightly on my stomach, suddenly struck again by the fact that I carried, inside me, a tiny life, innocent, waiting to be born into the world. "I don't want to lose our baby..." I bit my lip bottom lip lightly.

His features hardened, his voice becoming firm as well. "I don't want to lose either of you. And we won't." He looked at me seriously. "Maybe Mitsukake will have something in mind."

Would it be foolish to hope for that? Perhaps the healer did have a solution... Half-hopeful, half-doubtful, I raised my eyes to him. "Do you think so?" I paused a moment in my words, feeling a sharp movement from the baby. Quickly, I reached out and took his hand, placing it on my stomach. "The baby is moving..." I kept my voice to a whisper, unsure exactly why.

Nuriko blinked in confusion for a moment, but then his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face. He was nearly glowing. "I never knew they did this..." He sounded almost blissful. I was glad to see him happy, to see the sadness in his face vanish... even for a moment. I nodded in confirmation to really nothing and just smiled at him, feeling quiet, not trusting myself to speak.

"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" He sounded excited, seeming to have forgotten the problem, still looking happy. I could not help but smile back.

"I'm afraid to guess... in case I'm wrong."

Still caught up in our baby, his smile grew. "We need to think of a name..."

He was right, of course, our child should have a name when it came into the world. "You're right... we do." I paused for a moment, thinking. "Any ideas?" I looked to him.

Blinking, he looked almost taken aback at my question. His hand still rested on my stomach lightly, waiting for our child to stir again.

The baby kicked again, harder this time, and Nuriko jumped back. He turned startled eyes to me, almost amazed. "Doesn't that hurt?"

I shook my head, letting myself laugh a bit. "No... it doesn't." And it didn't. There was no pain, only a strange feeling of shifting.

Surprise still evident on his face, he kept his eyes on me. "But it kicks so hard..." He frowned. "I don't like that... it..." His words stopped, and then began again, jumping to something completely different. "I think it's a girl."

Raising an eyebrow, I gave him a curious look. "What makes you say that?" I wondered briefly if that had something to do with the kicking.

He crossed his arms, determinedly. "Because I think she is." He sounded so definite, so sure, like he always did. Everything, in that moment, seemed so far away, except Nuriko and our child. All the worries that had haunted me were held at bay, for the time.

I smiled at him. "If you say so... it will be nicer saying she than it in any case." Slowly, I leaned back, lowering myself so that I was lying down. My hair pooled out beneath my head, nearly a pillow. I shut my eyes and sighed softly, thinking. Would it be all right? I shifted my position, uncomfortable. I had to believe it would be, because otherwise... No. There would be no otherwise.

A gentle hand brushed across my face, sweeping aside some of the hair that had fallen across my closed eyes. "Are you all right?"

Opening my eyes, I glanced over to him, watching him for a silent moment before nodding. His gaze never left mine, the soft, uncertain look in his eyes not fading or flickering. "I will be..." I said quietly.

His hand came to rest lightly on my cheek, barely touching my face. Silently, he nodded, seeming to be waiting for me to move.

I sighed softly, sitting up slowly, unpleased at how difficult that process had become. I felt unbalanced, almost dizzy with the movement. "We should go back to him... ne?"

A small smile flickered across his face. "Of course..." He leaned over and kissed me, lingeringly, brushing his lips against mine. I kissed him back, softly, letting myself remain in that moment before standing up slowly, not yet stepping towards the closed door.

He pouted slightly, his face falling suddenly into a childlike expression. "Is that all?"

A bit amused, I smiled down at him. The room was half shadowed, the cloud-covered sun outside barely shedding its grey light through the window. Still pouting, his wide eyes watched me, sparkling even in the dimmed light. The dress he wore was pale in colors, his hair pulled back loosely, away from his perfect face. "What more would you like?" I asked, trying to keep the amusement from my voice.

His face colored, suddenly taking on a light pink color. "Anou... Mitsukake must be waiting..."

I laughed slightly before leaning down and kissing him again. My mood had subdued when I pulled back, and I looked at him, my expression serious, pensive. "Everything is going to be all right." I was suddenly so sure. I doubted the certainty would last, but then... right then, I was sure. "Because I love you so much, and you're here." I started out of the room before, waiting for him outside the door.

He blinked, the light in his wide eyes flashing out for one moment, and he blushed again. Hurriedly, he stood, the pale pink color still visible in his cheeks and followed after me. In relative silence, we walked the short distance back to Mitsukake's place. The air was slightly chilled, everything still a bit damp from the rain which had only just ceased its monotonous pouring. Nuriko trailed behind me, his light steps echoing my own. The door to the healer's room was halfway open revealing the healer, sitting on a chair, leafing through a small pile of papers, waiting for us to return. Hesitantly, I knocked on the partially opened door, waiting for Mitsukake to notice us.

"Come in, heika, Nuriko..." his deep voice rumbled, his eyes not yet leaving his work.

Nuriko trailed after me, not touching me, but staying only a breath away. He paused, waiting for me to enter. Almost warily, I stepped inside, nearly forcing my step across the threshold. I did not know yet what we had decided. I did not want to know. Mitsukake kept his dark eyes focused upon us. Shifting about uncomfortably, Nuriko stepped inside, his soft shoes whispering against the wooden floor. "Can you tell us our options?" he asked quietly.

The healer nodded, seating himself in one of the large wooden chairs that sat beside a table cluttered with papers and scattered herbs. "Of course... please, sit down..." He lifted one of his hands, gesturing towards the chair that matched his own. I did as suggested, smoothing my robes out anxiously, watching my hands run across the fabric, compulsively working over the wrinkles that were not actually there.

Nuriko cast about for a moment for another seat. Seeing none in the room, he contented himself to sitting on the floor, his skirt pooling out around him as he gazed up at me before turning his dark eyes to Mitsukake.

Clearing his throat, the tall man began his explanation. "There are basically two options. I can heal what is causing you to bleed, or I can not." His words stopped, but still I watched him, knowing there was something more, hoping there was, and dreading to hear it.

Off to my side, Nuriko's face worked its way into a frown. "What's making her bleed?" he queried quietly.

Mitsukake glanced at him, his brow furrowing for a moment as he thought over his words. "How familiar are you with pregnancy, Nuriko?"

Color crept into Nuriko's face and he glanced away, almost embarrassed. "Well... I know how it's done."

For his part, the healer did his best to stifle a laugh and simply smiled at the two of us. "There is, for lack of a better word, a sac that holds the food and sustenance that the baby uses while it grows. Sometimes, very rarely in fact-" He broke off his words long enough to turn his gaze to me. "I'm surprised to see it with you, heika- sometimes this is... situated wrong... and it tears and sometimes the wall of the-" He paused, changing his choice of words just before they left his mouth. "-womb tears with it."

Nuriko turned confused eyes to me, blinking. "Oh." His glance was helpless, but I understood that feeling well. I returned his gaze for a moment before looking back to the doctor who sat just in front of me. "Why can't you fix it?" I asked, my voice level.

Mitsukake sighed. "Because during the healing, the baby's link could be damaged, or closed... it would be cut off from its energy supply." He paused, his voice so cold, so distant as though he were discussing a harvest, or the weather. "It would starve."

I shivered involuntarily at his tone. He was so detached, so far away; no emotion showed on his passive face, save for an almost distant sadness, barely visible, as though it was a trick of the room's dim light.

His frown deepening, Nuriko ventured another question. "And what happens if you don't?" he asked, voicing my own question before it even reached my lips.

Sighing again, Mitsukake turned to Nuriko. "Eventually the bleeding will begin to take its toll on her body. She may not be strong enough to go through the labor." I watched the two of them unhappily, not pleased with being talked about as though I were not present.

"She's a Suzaku seishi," Nuriko said pointedly, annoyed.

Mitsukake answered with a nod. "There is that. I am giving you the worst case on both sides... Either solution could turn out perfectly fine, but I'd be lying if I said there was no risk in either." I watched the two of them speak of my future, of the future of the child that grew inside me. It was strange, it felt as though I were an observer, a narrator in a story I could not, for the moment, touch.

I was drawn back into the world of reality at that moment by Nuriko's quiet voice, barely a whisper in the room. "It's your choice..."

Looking at Nuriko, I managed a smile before turning my eyes to Mitsukake. "I'm a strong person... I think..." My hand strayed to my stomach unconsciously, letting it rest near the life I could feel inside me. "I know I'll be fine... and I can't hurt our baby." Once again I turned back to Nuriko, not smiling any longer, just trying to look as though I was convinced as my words were. "After all, as you said, I'm a Suzaku seishi, ne?"

He frowned again. "Hotohori..." So much was said in his simple speaking of my name, but before I could respond he gave me a tiny smile. "I'm here, ne?"

I nodded, returning the smile. "Hai." And he was. I needed him so much, as long as he was there... and he was there.

Mitsukake nodded to the both of us, slipping back into his normal silence.

"Thank you..." Nuriko said quietly, turning his small smile to Mitsukake. I stood to go, smiling once at the healer in gratitude. I was ready to go when his deep voice rang out in a subdued tone through the silent room.

"I can perhaps heal only partially... not enough to affect the baby. It won't fix everything, but it may help."

I blinked, looking at him incredulously. Was there some reason he had not mentioned this before? Seeing my lack of words to say, Nuriko smiled again slightly. "Would you then?"

"Of course..." Mitsukake said nodding and stepping towards me, holding his hand out. The strange glow began coming from it, as always. A warm feeling washed through me, and something changed, a different feeling than there had been settled over me. The green light and warmth fade to be replaced by a small rush of relief. Nuriko had risen to his feet and latched onto my arm as Mitsukake pulled back his hand. "Better?" Nuriko asked, glancing up at me, questioningly.

Trying not to look surprised, I nodded, astounded by the truth I could finally put into my words. "Yes... I think so." Mitsukake watched the both of us, leaning against his chair, a tired smile on his face.

The grin spread quickly across Nuriko's face, nearly brightening the room in its wake. "You're going to be fine. I know it."

I returned his smile and nodded. "Of course I am..." I began to pull him from the room gently tugging him, anxious to be outside, to be away from what had just been the stage on which our worries had been played out.

A shout came from down the hall, calling out our names in excited tones. Nuriko, the smile still on his face, looked up to me again, happily. "They're home..."   
  


Go to the [next part][3]. [don't bother...] 

Return to [Tokyo Tower][4].   


   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: mailto:webstream@hotmail.com
   [3]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/serious/sel24.html
   [4]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



	7. Default Chapter Title

Someone Else's Life   
By [Hikaru and Kiri][1]   


Part Twenty-four   


  
  


I was so uncomfortable. I shifted my weight again, stifling a yawn into my hand, trying to stay awake despite the obstacle, the monstrosity, that I wore around my waist.

It wrapped around my delicate waist several times and pillowed out in the front, the simulation of pregnancy. It was not, however, heavy as it would be were it real, but it was about seven times as annoying. I was learning to completely sympathize with my poor wife, but she got the luck of actually being with our child, whereas I was the mother of stuffed blankets.

I had been coming to court sessions recently because I thought that it might be useful for the empress to know vaguely how to run the country to help her husband. I smirked slightly at that. I wished that there was something to entertain me, as opposed to this one individual who seemed sure that the drought in the north would cause the horses to die here.

Hotohori glanced over to me, looking slightly amused. Surely she was ready to fall asleep too! I sighed and shifted my weight yet again, trying to stay somewhat alert.

There was a soft knock on the door and I glanced up rather blearily. Hotohori to my right looked up as well, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

It was Tamahome, his dark head bowed, his voice quiet. "Hotohori-sama... please excuse me..." I was a bit surprised to see Tama-chan so solemn.

She nodded to him, hiding her surprise, like me, to all but her empress. "Tamahome?"

His manner of speaking was very polite, his entire speech pattern changed. "Please, Hotohori-sama, will you come with me a moment?" His eyes were slightly downcast, which was unusual for him.

I pouted slightly, the one left out, and felt her glance at me, then back to Tamahome. "Hai... but why?"

A frown trickled over his young face. "Please... we need to see you a moment." He glanced at me. "Both, if the empress would accompany you." I blinked, amazed he had remember to keep the secret.

Her eyes traced my face for a moment, finally meeting my eyes. It was clear that she wanted to know if I knew what was going on. I shook my head slightly and stood. Tamahome still waited at the door, his eyes lowered.

She stood as well, ready to follow Tamahome, stepping in front of me as the emperor. She waited for him to lead the way, seeming a bit apprehensive. He held the door for both of us and we stepped out, leaving the advisors babbling to each other is hushed voices.

I blinked at the sudden light change, but then had to hurry to keep up with my wife and Tamahome. He turned and took us down a hallway to another room, leading us to where I knew the other seishi resided in the palace.

He opened the door silently to Chiriko's room.

"Nuriko...?" came a high, sweet voice from inside the room. I stepped into the room, looking for her. "Miaka?" I felt my mood brighten significantly as she nearly leapt into my arms despite the obstacle of the fake pregnancy . "Welcome back!" So that's all this had been! But why the silence from Tamahome?

Hotohori glanced inside, searching for each face, then stepped in.

Chichiri was standing silently in the corner, his mask grasped in his hand, gazing out a window, his blind eye to us. Mitsukake was watching us seriously from beside Chichiri. Tasuki was standing with his arms folded across his chest, leaning against the wall, not looking at any of us. My eyes widened and filled with tears as I gazed from Tasuki to where a small body lay, wrapped in a sheet, prone, on the bed. I looked away, silent.

Tamahome's voice was still quiet. "Hotohori-sama... I'm sorry to disturb you..." His voice softened. "But what do you want to do with the body?"

Her eyes lifted to the small motionless body a long moment before dropping her eyes to the ground. I moved away from Miaka and closer to my wife, so young, taking her hand. She squeezed it gently and raised her eyes. "He'll have a state funeral. We'll bury him as the young hero he was... who died in service to his country, his miko... and his friends..." Her voice trailed off, growing quiet.

I shut my eyes and leaned lightly against her. It was so good, for some reason, to have something warm and breathing beside me at that moment. Miaka's voice was sad when she spoke next. "He saved us..."

I felt rather than saw Hotohori move to look at her, but then her eyes trailed to Chichiri as he spoke. "But we couldn't save him."

Hotohori nearly flinched and I opened my eyes, pulling away from her. I knew she felt guilty about that. "What happened?" I asked quietly.

Tamahome, silent, refused to meet my gaze, but Miaka was willing to look at me. "He was possessed by a demon. There was nothing we could do. He died so that it wouldn't kill us too."

Hotohori was still silent beside me. Chichiri turned from the window, his one deep eye showing nothing. "There was nothing any of us could do for him, or for ourselves. The Seiryuu seishi have the shinzahou."

My head jerked up. "What?"

"And Yui called Seiryuu," added Tamahome dismally.

I grabbed Tama by his shirt, nearly shaking him. "What??"

Chichiri looked like he wanted to say something, but stayed silent. Tasuki was still quiet, eyes on the ground, almost as if in silent mourning for the dead child whose body lies in the room. Silently, Hotohori reached out a hand, lightly touching my shoulder.

I dropped him rather abruptly and walked to the other end of the room, silent, pensive, and unhappy. Tamahome had his eyes lowered. "Gomen nasai, Hotohori-sama."

Miaka moved over beside Tamahome and gave him a tiny smile. "I'm sure we can fix things though..."

Hotohori nodded. "We've prepared for the worst. The armies are ready for the war that will come. We haven't lost yet." I knew she would be trying to smile at them, hoping it wouldn't look too forced, wondering if what she was saying was actually true.

"We'll fight too, of course," he added quietly.

"Hai!" Miaka agreed cheerfully. She cast Hotohori a shy smile. " Hotohori... you might need someone to watch the baby though... You're almost ready, right?"

She was half-way in the process of nodding to Tamahome, but then looked at Miaka, a bit thrown off. She was not used to them knowing her secret as I was. "Hai... it should be soon, I think..." She managed another small smile. It was hard for her, not being in control of her own body.

I was still on the other side of the room, silent. "You must be so excited! Have you thought of a name?" Miaka bubbled cheerfully.

Hotohori shook her head, and I could feel her eyes skim over me. "No, not yet..."

Miaka looked pensive. "Hmm... you'd better do so quickly." She gave Hotohori a knowing grin.

Tamahome was still quiet. Did he feel the guilt as Hotohori did? "Hotohori-sama... do you need us for anything?"

Her eyes drifted away from me and to Miaka and Tamahome. "No." She sighed quietly. "Not yet, in any case."

Tamahome nodded slightly and glanced at Chiriko. "Then we'll take care of his body for now."

Miaka, suddenly teary, looked down and away. Hotohori nodded acquiescence, subdued.

Chichiri moved silently over towards the body. Tasuki followed suit, just as quietly, pulling the blanket up over the boy's pallid face. Miaka remained in place, fighting back tears. I did not move either, remaining passively by the window.

I heard footsteps move in my directions and assumed it was Hotohori. She did not touch me, nor did she speak, but I knew it was her.

Chichiri was helping Tamahome smooth the sheets, his face impassive, unsmiling. Tamahome took one end of the small body, letting Chichiri carry the other, and they moved from the room. Miaka followed them silently. Tasuki followed them as well, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying. Mitsukake glanced back at us and shut the door behind them.

I still did not move, rather dreading what she would say. I waited till the door was shut to speak. "Gomen nasai," I said quietly.

I felt her eyes raise to me. "Why?"

"What I did was uncalled for."

I could feel her eyes on my back. "What you did?"

I just stayed silent.

Everything was culminating all at once. She was almost ready to have the baby, Kutou was attacking, Yui had called Seiryuu. We were doomed. We could not call Suzaku anymore. The shinzahou were gone. Everything I held dear to me could vanish at any second. If Nakago told Yui to wish the emperor of Kounan dead and she did, my wife and my child would vanish, and my life with it.

"Nuriko... please don't be sorry. Please." She looked away from me, down to her hands clasped in front of her.

I turned slightly to her, my eyes down, so that what she could see of me was my profile, silhoutted by the window and the dying sun behind me. "You're going to be in pain..." That was a worry too, but not as great as the others.

She blinked. "In pain?"

"When... you have the baby..." I moved slightly, still uncomfortable with the apparatus around my waist.

She reached her hand out to lightly brush my cheek. "It can't be that bad, ne? Otherwise so many people wouldn't have babies."

I took her hand in mine gently, still not looking at her. "We've been so busy... we don't have a name... you don't even know what to expect..." I sighed quietly.

"It'll be fine. We have time yet." There was a minute of silence. "Everything will be all right. It has to be." Who was she reassuring?

I was silent a moment myself. "Akito."

She looked confused. "What about him?"

I looked at her for the first time. "If it's a boy..."

She met my eyes, a little smile on her face. "And if it's a girl?"

I paused, pondering this. "I don't know..." I looked away again.

She just left her eyes on me, silent.

I moved toward her, giving her a gentle hug so that I wouldn't have to look her in the eye, resting in her arms for a moment, my head against her shoulder. "I don't know how to protect you anymore..." Was there a way to protect her from a god? If it was in my power, I would do it, sacrificing myself if need be. She was the emperor. She was the one I loved. She was the most important person.

She shook her head, tightening her arms around me slightly, unable to find the words to say what she wanted. "I... Nuriko... don't... I..." she fumbled, then stopped.

I shut my eyes, silent, just holding her.

_Seiryuu, please destroy Kounan!_

She gently moved her hand, stroking my hair lightly, her eyes straying to the window. "Everything will be all right..."

_Seiryuu, please destroy Kounan's armies!_

"If you're here," I said quietly.

_Seiryuu, please destroy Kounan's emperor!_

She lowered her eyes to me. "I will be... always, with you."

I forced the tears not to surface with every ounce of control that I could muster. _I'll always be with you, Niisama..._

_Always... she's always, always with me..._

My voice was quiet and firm, not wavering as I had expected. "You're not going to fight."

She sighed, shutting her eyes. "I'm the ruler of this country, Nuriko..."

"You are not going to fight," I repeated, a bit more forcefully. If Kutou did not think to kill the ruler of the enemy country, then I certainly was not going to let her endanger herself.

She stiffened slightly, seeming as if it were uncomfortable to be touching me. "I can't stay here, sheltered, while everyone goes off into danger."

I pulled away, making it so that she would not have to touch what she did not want to. "I won't let you fight." Nothing would change that.

"Nuriko..." she said quietly.

I said nothing, keeping my eyes down. If she was truly determined, then I could not stop her. Who was I to stand in her way?

Her voice this time was even quieter. "You're right."

Surprised, I looked up at her.

Her voice was tight, restraining tears. "I can't fight... the baby. I can't risk our baby..."

I gave her a small smile. "You'll be such a wonderful mother..." And she would be, assuming she lived that long.

She did not return my smile. "I don't want you to fight either... but I know I can't stop you... can I?" Her eyes were almost frightened. "I know I can't lose you either... I'd..." Her voice trailed off into silence, leaving her words to die unspoken.

I watched her silently for a moment. "You know I'll come back."

"Do you promise?" she asked quietly.

She looked so young in that instant that I wondered how a child could have a child. Or children, such as we were. Were we ready for this? Even were not war threatening or the Seiryuu seishi looming above us, would we be able to raise this child correctly?

I paused a moment, considering my answer. "When I have such a beautiful, sweet, kind wife... and soon a child... how could I not come back?"

I saw her eyes. She knew I had dodged her question. She nodded silently, an affirmation that did not seem to belong to any question. But how could I lie to her? I could make no promises.

I gave her another small smile. "Besides... you need someone to warm up your bed... I think I do a good job of that."

She smiled back this time, though it was faint. "Hai..."

I lifted a hand to touch her cheek, my voice quiet. "Cheer up... I love you." It wouldn't do to have two worried, depressed people sitting in thrones. I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself on Seiryuu's possible plans. She did not need that extra burden.

Her eyes were on me. "I love you too..."

I smiled slightly. "Then please don't worry." That was my job. I lifted a hand to indicate the door. "I'm sure your council misses you."

She smiled back, a bit more fully, recomposing herself and slipping into her role of emperor again. She stepped to where I had gestured. "I don't miss them overly much right now," she murmured, but she continued that way in any case.

I stood where I was for a moment, watching the transformation of my wife from a frightened girl to a regal ruler of the country. I looked down and away, keeping my voice quiet. "Shall I meet you there?"

"Only if you'd like..." I could feel her eyes on me.

I took a slow deep breath. "Give me about ten minutes... I'll find you there." I needed time to sort out my thoughts and worries.

She nodded, giving me a slightly worried look. "Hai..." She stepped out and shut the door silently.

Perhaps I did not like it when her personality so rapidly changed because it felt as if she didn't need me. That was almost painfully true. I had provided the heir, so for all practical uses I was worthless. I moved to the window restlessly. Yes, she loved me, but she had loved Miaka. I leaned my head lightly against the cool wall. Why was I feeling so insecure? She was the emperor. If she did not want me, she could have anyone else.

Yet she was kind...

I sighed quietly. No matter what, I would protect her. I loved her, and against all odds, she loved me back. That would be enough. It had to be.   
  


The atmosphere of the room was quiet, almost heavy in the dimly lit room. The sun was setting outside, having taken to slipping below the horizon earlier and ealier in the past days. I sat quietly, sipping absently at a drink I held in my hands, water, I think, or perhaps weak tea. I did not truly notice what it was, my mind being elsewhere. My plate of food lay before me, untouched and unwanted. The others gathered around the table as well, eating their dinner and speaking of the days to come. Mitsukake was silent, watching the room and listening. His mask set on the table beside his plate, Chichiri spoke, his voice serious, his words directed to anyone who would listen. Tasuki's face was half-lost in his cup, but the red-haired bandit was not drunk. He was more alert than I had ever seen him, looking almost like an animal ready to fight.

To my side, Nuriko leaned his chin upon his cupped hands, watching and listening to the blue-haired monk as he spoke. Tamahome was also listening, a frown creasing his face. Heedless of the battle plans that went on around her, Miaka busied herself consuming every bit of food within her reach.

We were all so silent, so tense. I sighed slightly and turned my eyes to my companions, ready to enter the conversation when a sharp marked pain shot through me. I stiffened, but as quickly as it had come, the pain was gone. I frowned for a moment, but shrugged it off, knowing there were much more important things that must be attended.

"We'll leave tomorrow at daybreak to meet them before they reach the capital..."Chichiri supplied, his voice almost rueful.

Tasuki nodded, but his face looked skeptical, the look of a man who knew battle, and who could sense an impending weakness. "Does Kounan's army stand a chance against Kutou?"

Nuriko's voice was barely a whisper. "We have more seishi alive than them, in any case. If it comes to that." I shivered at his words, praying that it would not, hoping against hope that we would have to spend no more lives in this battle.

"But for how long?" Tamahome queried darkly, adding his own question to Nuriko's. Nuriko turned to flash him a quick dark glare. Drawn from her dinner, Miaka turned her eyes up to listen, her young face worried.

Tasuki sighed slightly, his face taking on a foreign emotion of pensiveness. He bit his lip, his fangs peeking out in the process.

"Our armies will only be able to hold out so long against Kutou... they outnumber us and-" I paused suddenly, my words falling short. The pain had hit suddenly again, disappearing even before I could truly understand what was happening. The only thing I understood was that it hurt. I shook my head slightly to clear it.

Nuriko's eyes turned to me, questioning at my sudden silence. "Hotohori?" Miaka's eyes were watching me, worry in them. To her side, Tamahome smiled at her slightly, almost in reassurance despite the dark talks which had been happening.

I flashed Nuriko a quick, half smile, brushing off the strange feelings that were beginning to grip me. "Our best chance is to stirke for the cause of this war, the Seiryuu sei-" My words were abruptly halted again. It hurt worse this time and I shut my eyes against the pain as it shot through me, centering inside me, around our child. From just beyond me, I could glimpse the curious gaze of Mitsukake as he watched in his normal manner of silence.

A hand took mine, carefuly, gently. "Hotohori, are you all right?" Nuriko asked quietly, his soft voice flooding with worry. Nodding, I turned my eyes up to meet his. Miaka and Tamahome watched us, a bit curiously. The red-haired bandit's expression matched theirs, though, as always, it was a bit more morbid, lacking the innocence that resided in the other two members of our group.

"I'm fine..." I assured him, keeping my voice quiet, but steady. "It hurt... but it's gone now..." At least, I hoped it was gone. The echo of it was still there, making sure I did not forget it.

Mitsukake frowned slightly, but still did not break the silence into which hehad retreated. "What hurt?" Nuriko asked, blinking his confusion. Out of the corner of his eye, Tamahome darted a glance at Tasuki, something passing between the two in the unspoken signal.

The bandit inched his chair towards Tamahome, attempting to make the action discreet and failiing miserably. In a poor excuse for a conspiratorial whisper, he spoke into Tamahome's ear. "You don't think she's..."

Ignoring the others, I kept my gaze on my husband, on his still worried face."Nothing... just a pain. It's stopped." It was too cold, suddenly. This could not possibly be... No. It was still too early. We had some time yet, before the baby...

Slowly, the motion itself doubtful, Nuriko nodded. "I just hope you didn't hurt yourself..." His hand still held mine, gently but firmly.

Tamahome's eyes were wide. "That's impossible..." He said, voicing my own thoughts aloud. He blinked, rethinking his words. "Isn't it?" Blinking again, he shook his head, glancing once at Miaka who was oddly quiet. "It's too weird..."

Hurt myself? The thought came unexpectedly. Was that what it was? Had I done something? But no, that was impossible. I idlely trailed my other hand down the polished wood of the chair's arm and shook my head. "I didn't. I'm fine really." The words had barely left my mouth when I stiffened again, my hand tightening around Nuriko's suddenly as the pain shot through me again.

A whispered expletive came from the bandit. "Oh, shit..."

Another frowned creased Nuriko's perfect face, his eyes partly bewildered, and he cast a desperate glance at Mitsukake. Chichiri's masked face was, as always, a complete barrier against the thoughts that were occuring inside his brain. I could feel my husband's worried gaze shift back to me, but I did not look at him. I could not answer his question; I did not know what was happening either. "Hotohori, what's wrong?" Miaka's voice broke into the uneasy silence of the room. I could still feel their eyes on me, everyone watching me, questioning.

Still whispering among themselves, Tamahome leaned closer to Tasuki. "Oi... is she faking...?"

"Why the hell would she?" The bandit answered back, as quickly as the question was answered.

I glanced at Miaka, and then to Nuriko, replying to her question, but meaning my words for him. "Nothing, I'm fine." I smiled slightly quickly, a smile that faded from my face as something else happened. Not pain, but a different sensation. My eyes widened in embarassment and fear. My... water had broken. Mother had spoken about this once before... it meant... "I..." I stammered out, my words falling out of my reach.

Pushing his chair across the wooden floor, the legs making a soft scratching noise, Mitsukake rose to his feet and walked over to me. Nuriko's gaze had long since turned nervous, and his eyes had taken on the soft restrained look that appeared when he was worried. Another form rose and stood by my elbow. "Hotohori, you don't look well... maybe you should rest..." Miaka suggested quietly.

A deep voice just behind me made me jump, as Mitsukake spoke for the first time."Miaka's right, heika. We need to get you to your bed. You're going into labor."

My eyes widened and I looked from Mitsukake quickly to Nuriko. I was unsure what to feel. It was too soon, too early; this was not right.

His eyes wider and more apprehensive than I had ever before seen them, Nuriko met my gaze for a momebt before stammering out. "What?" His voice was nearly shaking in its attempt to speak his words. Tamahome and Tasuki stared at each other, the bandit's hand frozen around his chopsticks, and Tamahome's latched onto his cup.

"She's having the baby," Mitsukake said quietly in answer to Nuriko's question, his deep voice level, calm. I suppose I could have drawn some reassurance from that fact, but I did not.

"I'll help!" Miaka chirped brightly, seeming to be thrilled about this.

"Now?!?" I exclaimed before I had even realized what I was saying. I did not want it to be now. I did not want our baby born on the eve of a war. Tomorrow was uncertain, an intangible shadow that we could not yet be sure of it becoming truth. Tomorrow may never come, and even if it did, what would it bring with it? Death? Destruction? War? And the birth of the Emperor's child? I watched Nuriko, unsure whether the tightness in my throat was due entirely to fear, or if part of it was supressed tears.

"Not immediately, but soon..." Mitsukake informed me, mistaking the reason for my frantic question. "I suggest we get you to your room quickly, heika."

"Oh, shit," Tasuki put in helpfully.

"Hotohori," a familiar voice called my name, nearly a whisper. Uncertainty nearly matching my own played across Nuriko's face. Did he fear the same things I did? Tomorrow he would be leaving us, our baby and me, to go fight in a war we had no chance of winning.

"Come on, Hotohori!" Miaka said, taking my arm and attempting to tug me up and out of my chair. "It gets messy, so we should get you away from the others."

"Messy?" Tamahome squeaked.

"What do you fucking mean, messy?" Tasuki demanded, his voice matching Tamahome's. Chichiri had slipped into the role of a silent observer, unconsciously filling the place of Mitsukake since the healer was busy elsewhere.

I let Miaka pull me up, my eyes never leaving Nuriko. The air was cold, even through the thick fabric of the robes I wore. I felt as though I were caught up in rushing river of events, and I could do nothing to escape the current. Mitsukake stepped to the door, opening it. Miaka pulled me toward it, her efforts becoming more and more insistent as I tarried, thought not by choice, my feet refusing to move as quickly as I wanted them to. Nuriko had not moved from his seat, but rather just stood there, stunned.

Tamahome's voice was horrified. "Thank Suzaku I'm not a woman." Seeming to regain a bit of his normal attitude towards life, Tasuki laughed, running a hand through his perfectly placed fire-colored hair. "I'm glad you're not either. You'd be one hell of an ugly woman." He cackled to himself, seeming to find this amusing beyond explanation.

Tamahome glared. "You'd be uglier."

Miaka still pulling me, I looked back towards Nuriko still seated in his chair. Was he going to let me go alone? I... I could not do this without him there. I was unsure what exactly I expected him to do, but I knew that I need him. Scared to be pulled away from him, I reached out my free hand to him. "Nuriko..." I called quietly, feeling Miaka still tugging on my arm.

He stood at the sound of his name, and his hand found mine. Relief washed over me at his touch, but his face was covered by conflicting emotions and uncertainty. Miaka sent a quick smile at him. "I don't think you're going to be allowed in the room... they don't let the husbands in where I come from."

Mitsukake laughed his calm level laugh and began leading us towards my room. It was a strange little procession that approached my door, an excited girl in strange clothing, a tall stolid doctor looking as though he were simply out on a stroll, myself and my husband, each of us wide-eyed like lost children. I stayed quiet, letting myself slip into an uncomfortable silence. Nuriko was also quiet, his normally wide eyes somewhat bigger than they usually were. He looked uncertain, not sure, as though...

Miaka's voice came, her words said more carefully than was her tendency. "Hotohori... you might want to change your clothes..." She guided me into my room, shepherding me through the door and towards the center.

Glancing at her, I nodded uncertainly. "I... right..." In a daze, I walked to my closet, trying to ignore the pains that were slowly becoming more frequent. I did not think I could do this. It was too sudden, too soon. But I had no choice in the matter, my body was out of my control, the matter more or less out of my hands. I heard the door click shut behind me, closing on Miaka and myself, leaving Mitsukake and Nuriko outside. The room was dimly lit; the sun shed little light through the windows and no candles yet burned to lend their light to the air. Somehow I managed to find, through the dimness of the closet, a simple linen night shirt.

"It's exciting! Hotohori, aren't you happy?" Miaka chirped, grinning, her small form facing away from me, but her voice betrayed her expression.

I was out of my clothes and halfway into the long white nightshirt and her question caught me a bit off-guard. Was I happy? Could I be? I wanted to have this baby, more than anything, but tonight... before the battle that would come with the dawn... "I'm very happy..." I said as my head emerged through the nightshirt. I ran my hands down my sides, smoothing out the material. "I'm just frightened..." of more than one thing... I finished silently and glanced up to her. "You can turn around now."

Miaka turned, her face holding the smile I had heard in her voice. "Don't be scared! I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about." She paused and her face grew mischievous. "If you did, no one would have children." She giggled, and I couldn't help but smile back at her, grateful for her optimism. I did not love her, as I had once been so sure I had, but she was still my miko, and a good friend.

I stepped towards the door, my now-bare feet padding across the cold wooden floor, and opened it slowly, peeking outside. Nuriko's body jerked around to face me, almost as though he had been ready to throw himself into the room. His gaze met mine, nervous.

"Mitsukake? Are you coming?" Miaka called, her voice muffled from inside the room.

I stepped back so that the big healer and Nuriko could walk in. Mitsukake nodded in response to Miaka, although the question had already been answered by his presence in the room.

Nuriko seemed uneasy, his small form tense and his movements quick and restrained. "Should... should I stay here?" Miaka flashed him a dirty look out of the corner of her eyes.

I spoke in a tone that was almost pleading, a sound nearly foreign to my lips, but I did not want him to leave me. "Please..."

"You should lie down, heika..." Mitsukake advised, his dark eyes scanning the room, distant in thought, but my eyes were not on the healer, they were on the worried face of my husband.

He met my gaze and nodded, stepping further into the room. He would stay. Miaka's face scrunched into an expression of displeasure and her tone was warning. "You aren't going to like it..."

Nuriko's voice answered hers, his words soft, nearly whispered. "I have to be with her..." His eyes shifted to Miaka's, a gentle smile covering his face. "You understand that." After a moment of pondering this, Miaka nodded a bit doubtfully. Nuriko's gaze came back to me, almost startling in its subdued brilliance. "You should lie down, heika..." A slight smile played upon the corners of his lips, his expression a mix of all the emotions that were harbored in his eyes.

I returned his smile briefly and then walked to the bed and sat on the edge, gripping the blankets in between my fingers, not moving as the most recent surge of pain passed. It hurt, but it passed too quickly for me to even understand where exactly the pain was. Sighing to myself, I lay down slowly, a motion that was markedly more difficult that it should have been due to my condition. Mitsukake nodded, half to me and half in agreement with his silent thoughts. Nuriko watched me, silent for the moment.

The silence was broken by Miaka's curious voice "Where are the towels?" Her green eyes cast about the room as though she expected them to suddenly appear in response to her query.

Mitsukake turned to her, face impassive as usual. "We need to bring some... as well as a basin of water... and I'll need some of my supplies..." He trailed off, undoubtedly going through a list in his mind.

Cheerily, Miaka bounded over to him. "What should I do?"

"Could you find the cloths?" he asked, stepping towards the door and ushering Miaka along with him. "I'll fetch my things and the water..."

I felt Nuriko's eyes seeking mind and I turned my attentions to him, away from my miko and the tall seishi. My eyes met his as I watched him from my prone position, feeling quite foolish and utterly overwhelmed. He moved over to me silently, his movement almost sleek. In something akin to annoyance, he tugged off the false stomach he had been wearing to keep up the pretense of pregnancy and rested it on a chair. Watching me quietly, he lowered himself to his knees by the head of the bed. Still keeping my eyes focused on him, I let a small half-frightened smile cross my face. He reached out a hand to me, his face void of expression, save for the smallest trace of worry that betrayed the mask of control he was attempting to keep up. I shifted a bit, an awkward attempt at seeing him better.

"What's wrong?" His voice was still, amazingly quiet. I wondered if the world had gone silent that we were so afraid to raise our voices to disturb it. "Are you all right? Are you hurting?"

Hurting, yes, but that was not what frightened me. Pain was tangible, something I could feel and understand, unlike the forces swirling around us all, sweeping us into something we could only guess at. "A little... every so often. But I'm fine; nervous, but fine." My voice was quiet as well, but pensive. "We're going to get to see our baby..."

A slow smile broke across his lips, but tears came to his eyes, the confliction of emotions I felt so sharply evidenced so clearly on that familiar face. He shifted, resting his head on my shoulder. "Oh, Hotohori..."

I smiled again and shut my eyes, sighing softly. "I'm glad... that it's tonight, so you can be here..." I cut off with a small noise as another contraction came. I was so glad, that he'd be able to see our baby, that he'd be here.

All at once, he sat upright, worry returning to him at the unhappy noise."Hotohori..." I laughed a bit. "You were right, you know... it does hurt worse than getting my ears pierced," I said, attempting to lighten things.

His expression remained static. "I don't want you to hurt..."

It touched me, the pure concern in his voice, nearly brought tears to my own already emotional eyes. "Oh, Nuriko, it's all right! It can't be that bad, ne?" He reached for my hand, taking it and pressing it to his cheek, shutting his eyes and answering my question with only silence.

A knock came at the door, followed by a familiar voice. "Can I come in?"

"Hai, Miaka..." I called out to her and watched her enter, her arms full of cloth, trailed by Mitsukake, his own hands full. Nuriko remained motionless,still holding my hand. I managed a smile at the returning two and watched as Mitsukake and Miaka relieved themselves of their burdens, Miaka plopping the cloths down in a pile at the foot of the bed, and Mitsukake spreading his things around on a low table.

Miaka walked over to me, a small cloth in her hand. "Want one to bite?" Nuriko's form jerked up in surprise, a movement I would have mimicked had I not been lying down. As it was my eyes widened. Mitsukake gave Miaka a sideways glance tinged with ironic amusement.

"I don't think so... not yet at least..." I said a bit wary of the miko's enthusiasm. I was met by two different smiles; Nuriko's gentle reassuring one and Miaka's bright and optimistic one. Mitsukake stepped closer to me as Miaka and Nuriko both parted to make room. I cringed as the healer approached me, but not from him, from yet another pain as my insides decided to wrench about once again. Mitsukake knelt beside the bed, placing his hand on my forehead while the others watched.

Time passed so slowly, but in such a blur, minutes piling upon minutes. Had it been an hour..? Maybe less, maybe more. I could not tell. The pain became more severe, less differentiated, the spaces in between shortening and disappearing all together. The composure I clung to disappeared and I could not help but cry out. Sweat beaded on my forehead, making my hair damp. Tears gathered at the corner of my eyes unheeded. I stopped for a moment, catching my breath as a moment of clarity without contractions came.

"That's it, heika... just breathe," Mitsukake added, in a futile attempt at being helpful. I was nearly ready to strangle the healer for being so calm. His steady, measured voice and placid face were grating on my nerves. If he told me once more to breathe, I would have him arrested... no... arrested and locked away in a very dingy dark place for a long time. I shut my eyes for a minute, my imagined thoughts of ludicrous vengenance making me feel slightly better, in their morbid fashion.

A bit off to the side, Nuriko stood, his fists clenched and his face turned slightly away. He looked torn, as though standing still were killing him. Even Miaka looked subdued, unsure what to do, her initial excitement noticeably faded. Seeming to come to a decision, Nuriko stepped over to me, kneeling beside Mitsukake and taking my hand in his. I felt his hand and tightened mine around his, clutching at him.

"I need you to push this time, heika... when it comes again..." Mitsukake informed me quietly.

I nodded, a bit vaguely, still wanting to hurt Mitsukake for seeming so unshaken. There was no reason whatsoever to be even slightly calm at this moment.

Nuriko and Miaka both shifted, both seeming uncomfortable just standing, watching. Mitsukake shifted position to the end of the bed, never really rising. I shut my eyes, waiting for it - the next wave of torture the healer so succinctly termed a contraction. It came and I pushed as I had been told; the tears in my eyes fell, wetting my cheeks, leaving tracks down my face. My breath was coming in short gasps that I could barely control. "Miaka, bring the cloths," Mitsukake said quietly, and added to take the edge of the order, "Please."

Miaka grabbed them and placed them close to Mitsukake. Nuriko's hand still clutched mine, or perhaps I still clutched his. "Push, heika..." Mitsukake coached again.

"I am pushing!!" I snapped back, my tone harsher and sharper than I had meant it, but it seemed Mitsukake took the hint and fell silent. It went by like this a moment more, then another, as though it would never be over. The healer no longer told me to push, but just nodded as I did, until his attentions were busied by other things, a tiny squirming form that soon added its own cries to the noise in the room. Mitsukake's face softened as he cleaned the baby off, his big hands gentle, careful as he wrapped the child in cloth. Our child... Nuriko's and mine... our baby.

Nuriko's eyes went wide as he stared at the tiny form before looking to me. Miaka's smiled silently as she hovered near the door, still looking as though she felt a big awkward. I watched Mitsukake, or more specifically, the tiny baby in his arms, forgetting the discomfort of only minutes before. My eyes strayed to Nuriko. He reached down and carefully, gently, he pulled me into a hug. It was a rather awkward motion as I was still laying down. His voice was hushed, awed. "You're so amazing..." His hand reached out, brushing the tears from my cheek which were soon replaced by more, but these new years were tears of relief. I hugged him back, tightening my arms around his slim shoulders, happy in that moment.

The baby had stopped crying, whether it was exhausted, or something else I did not know, but I did not bother to ponder that as I found myself holding that tiny being.

Nuriko pulled away carefully as the Mitsukake handed me the bundled baby and stepped back, an imposing shadow in the half light of the room. Nuriko looked stunned, much as I felt. His eyes left our baby only long enough to turn to Mitsukake. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The healer had gone about cleaning up his things as best he could. "She's a girl..." He paused long enough to offer a small smile to Miaka who was doing her best to help him.

Completely glowing, Nuriko nodded. "A girl..." A girl. My eyes were still on my daughter, my tiny perfect little girl.

"She's perfect..." I whispered, my voice sounding weary, but also echoing with the happiness I felt and the relief. "So tiny..." My husband simply nodded in response, fiddling nervously with his long violet hair and watching our baby as though he were wondering if he could come near. I raised my arms with the baby slightly. "Do you want to hold her?"

I barely noticed as Mitsukake and Miaka exited the room quietly, Miaka behind the taller man, face shining with a childlike mix of wonder and relief. She would be the kind to love babies, I was sure. "Keep her warm... I'll be back to see you soon..." the healer said quietly. I heard his words but they did not really register.

Looking a bit stunned, Nuriko blinked, giving me a half-amazed, half-questioning look. "Me?"

I smiled, sure the tiredness I felt inside showed through in the expression. Exhausted as I was, I was still so happy. "Yes... you..."

Nuriko inched closer, looking a bit worried. "I don't want to hurt her..."

"You won't," I assured him. "Here..." I carefully sat myself up a bit more, leaning against the rumpled feather pillows of the bed and placed the baby in his arms, not taking mine away yet. "All right?"

He looked suprised, but nodded slowly. I pulled my arms away, leaving our baby in his arms, marveling at the sight of the two I loved most in the world together. Had the world slowed and quieted or only us three? "She's as beautiful as you..." he whispered, peering at her features, her tiny perfect little sleeping features, crowned by a dark tuft of hair.

I flushed but smiled. "She is beautiful."

He blinked suddenly and looked up as though some sort of realization had struck him, a look of awed confusion falling across his face like a morning fog. "How did this happen?"

A bit confused as to what he meant, I simply shrugged my shoulders slightly. "I don't know..."

"I... only seem to remember so little..." His tone was distant as though the moment still stunned him. "Like when my sister died... and staying with my aunt... and coming to the palace..." His hand raised to me, his eyes coming back to the present, but still shimmering with a touch of awe. "How on earth did I find you?"

I shook my head, my eyes tired from crying, and my lips still caught in an amazed smile. "I don't know... but I'm so glad you did..." And it did seem to be a jumble, meeting Nuriko, our marriage, finding love, our child... so long ago, and yet no farther than the space of a breath.

Still cradling the baby in his arms, carefully, as though she were a porcelain figure, he sat beside me on the bed. "Ten fingers... ten toes..." He put his arms out, setting our baby back into my care.

I dropped my eyes to our child and nodded. "She's a perfect little miracle." I paused and looked up to him. "But she has no name..."

He laughed quietly, the sound sudden in the quiet room. "Well she takes after you... she's not screaming..."

Giving him a half smile, I shook my head, laughing and shutting my eyes. Tomorrow was still a mystery, an entity I could put neither name nor face to. It could rip me from my husband, my child - or both. But at that moment, tomorrow was so far away, and I was content to let it stay at that distance.   
  


Perfect. Perfect. Everything was so perfect. But for the glowing fires of the Kutou army outside of the town, I would have been in complete bliss.

I was leaning against the railing in front of my room in the cool breeze, letting the stray perfumes of the flowers in the garden dance around me cheerily. My clothes were quite plain today, mostly because I hadn't desired the baubles to get in the way when my wife needed me. I raised my eyes to the stars, my namesake and my birthright.

"Oi, Nuriko..." said a male voice behind me.

Had I been in any other mood, I would have jumped in shock. As it was, my reply was less than coherent. "Mmm?"

His eyes followed mine up to the sky, shifting his feet a little. "I wanted to apologize..." He was saying the words as if they had a sour taste.

I blinked and glanced back up to him, confused. "What?"

He looked like he was itching with things crawling on him, shrugging his shoulders back. "Shit, you heard me..."

I was even more confused. "Why?"

"Shit... you know why... I know it was sort of a while ago... but what I said about you and..." He paused. "Her... Fuck, I really didn't mean anything by it..." He wasn't meeting my eyes, still clearly uncomfortable.

I started to laugh quietly.

Fire-colored eyes turned to me in annoyance. "What the fuck is funny?"

I smiled merrily at him. "Her name is Akira..." My eyes moved back to the sky. "Isn't it a beautiful name?"

"Very nice." He made a face. "I knew a guy named that once..."

I laughed again gently. "She's so perfect..."

He leaned against the railing beside me. "You're a fucking piece of work.... but..." His tone suddenly went very serious. "Congratulations... you must be happy..."

I met his eyes, completely delighted and content. "You'll have to see her... she looks just like Hotohori..."

He gave me half a grin, but said nothing.

The silence must have lasted only a moment, but for some reason, the atmosphere was suddenly heavy. His face hadn't been happy when he had smiled. Maybe... wistful...? "Ne... Tasuki..."

He looked at me through the darkness, his eyes seeming at home in the night. "Aa?"

I let the silence linger in the air a moment before I spoke. "Your reaction was understandable... mine wasn't much better." I was quiet again for a second. "It's hard when you find out the man you love... well... isn't a man."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Shit... I never even thought what you must've thought. What did you do?" His voice was curious. Did he really want to know?

I gave him a half-hearted laugh. "Well... I cried a lot at first, but that was pretty silly. I finally understood that I might possibly have a chance... yet she still loved Miaka." I looked down and away, remembering that. The fact that I had had a chance had been tempered by that very love. I had not been willing to intervene with her feelings. And apparently, it had turned out for the best anyway.

He just nodded, looking rather curious still, like a child entranced in a bedtime story. "But she was a woman..." His face contorted. "Two women?" He shook his head and I smiled faintly. "Anyways... then what?"

I sighed quietly. "I just loved her. I never told her. How could I? I had known that Miaka had told her before, but she had never said anything to me... and then we found you and Mitsukake and Amiboshi and came back to the palace. You discovered she was the emperor." I was busy tangling a loose piece of hair in my fingers. "And she asked me to marry her."

His eyes widened in the night, shocked. "Fuck... she proposed before she even told you?"

I nodded slowly, raising my eyes back to the heavens, searching for Hotohori's stars. "Emperors don't marry for love, Tasuki..."

I could see him frowning out of the corner of my eye. "That doesn't seem right... to either one of you."

My eyes I dragged from the black of the sky to his face, slightly puzzled. Of course it wasn't right... but that was how it was. We had both been exceptionally lucky. Hadn't he ever wondered why emperors had so many lovers?

His gaze was dark. "Well, it doesn't. I mean... shit, you know what I mean."

I was a bit astonished. Tasuki was not usually so sensitive. "Tasuki... I'm surprised you're even listening to me..." I gave him a little wink. "This is romantic stuff."

He glared. "Believe me, I fucking know." His glare dissipated into the night air and softened into almost a grin. "But I'm not a completely emotionless idiot..." He smirked. "That's only half my personality."

I coughed delicately. "Of course..."

He just laughed softly, briefly.

I had never seen the bandit so serious. I wondered what was going through his mind or if he had just decided to show that he was human like the rest of us.

"But you both found out, right? After you were married, right? So everything was okay... right?" His voice was slightly worried, curious.

I smiled slightly. Our bandit was being very emotional this evening. "She... sort of blurted it out. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I thought at first that she must have just been saying that so that I would feel better." My voice softened. "But she wasn't."

He grinned. "That's good. It's a better story like that... so it's not completely fucking depressing."

I laughed quietly. "Not to mention she's a good kisser." The look I gave him was rather evil.

As expected, his bright eyes widened. "Shit... I did _not_ need to know that."

I laughed again lightly. "She's also very good for other things." My grin expanded slightly.

He shook his head, laughing a bit himself, his eyes returning to normal size. "Yeah?" he asked daringly. "Like what?"

I pondered for a moment. "She's pretty good at ruling the country... keeping peons like you in line..." I gave him a mischevous grin.

His laugh was short. "Che, I'm in line because I choose to be. And what the fuck is a peon?"

I blinked at him a moment and gave him a melodramatic sigh. "You'll never have a child, will you?"

The mood was suddenly serious. I could see it clearly on his face that my words had been taken like arrows, though I had not meant them to score. He shook his head, his voice quiet. "No... I don't think I will. Guys like me weren't meant to be fathers..." He frowned silently a minute. "Maybe it's better that way... I'd screw up a kid pretty badly, I'm sure."

I nudged him lightly. "Tasuki... look at me."

He looked at me, inquisitive.

I tugged at my skirt lightly, my voice soft. "We all have differences..." I looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes. "Hotohori and I... we can't tell Akira..." How would she react if she found this out? Would she scorn us? Shun us? Understand our reasons? But we couldn't tell her... At least, not until she was much older.

He raised an eyebrow. "Can't tell her?"

I sighed softly. "Children have a tendency... to blurt out secrets..."

He nodded, understanding. "You're right... but shit... it'll be hard hiding something like that from your own child." He frowned again. "But ya do what you have to, right?"

I nodded slowly, still not meeting his eyes. "It will be hard..." A moment of silence passed, and then I looked up at him. "We have to do our best tomorrow."

He nodded immediately as though that were a given. "We'll win, Nuriko... I don't fucking know how, but we will."

I took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "And all come back in one piece?"

He shrugged rather nonchalantly. "We all live to die, Nuriko... and if that's what it takes..." He shrugged again. His willingness to give his life rather surprised me.

The door behind us to my room opened silently, but I caught the movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see my wife, her hair loose around her shoulders, now in a clean night shirt and robe. She looked tired, but displeasure was clear on her face.

I looked up at her, rather surprised to see her awake. "Hotohori..."

Tasuki turned around, completely started to have her appear from nowhere, and immediately started muttering things about women and ghosts.

Her voice was quiet, trying to summon the strength of command that she usually held, but falling short because of her emotional state. "You will all come back; that is an order. I don't care how foolish that sounds." She wasn't really looking at either of us.

I looked down, silent, my skirt still clutched tightly in my hand, balling the fabric. I couldn't promise that. She knew that.

Tasuki seemed to feel the heavy ambiance and started to inch away. "Shit, that's one order I'll try and follow..." A little smirk lit up his lips.

Hotohori was silent at well, glancing up at Tasuki, then lowering her eyes again.

I was unsure in the feeling of the night, quiet because I did not know the words to say to fix things, but suddenly wanted to go see Akira with Hotohori to make sure that they were both all right.

"Ahh... I've got to get out of here now..." He bowed slightly, awkwardly, then hurriedly straightened himself up and shakes his head. "Ja, Nuriko, Hotohori-sama." Quick footsteps led him away. Hotohori simply watched him in silence.

I finally turned my eyes to her. "How is she?"

She did not meet my eyes. "She's sleeping..."

I nodded slowly. "How are you?"

Now she looked at me. "I'm scared. I don't want you to go tomorrow..."

I took a step toward her, still gazing at her. "I'll be fine."

She just watched me, completely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally from having a baby. "I love you..."

I bridged the few steps between us so I was hugging her tightly. "You need to rest..." My voice was rather muffled because we were both barefoot and I was so much shorter.

She hugged me back, nodding, but not making any move to go into our room.

My voice was mock threatening. "If you hadn't had a baby today, I would have kept you up all night." I hugged her a little tighter. Actually, I expected I would have held her tightly and cried quite a bit, worrying about her and our child... but that was all right now.

She tightened her arms around me in response, looking off past me, toward the sky and the glow of the fires in the distance, to where the sun would be rising too soon.

I shut my eyes, rather overcome by memories. Everything had happened so fast. How had we gotten to this point? What would Kourin say of my life? Would she be proud? "Hotohori-sama..."

"Everything will be fine... we'll be waiting here... you'll come back to us. You have to..." She was trying to keep the fear from her voice, but I could hear it, the lingering trails of worry that she could not quite keep locked away. Her voice quieted, nearly a plea or a prayer. "You have to."

My voice was soft. "I remember when I had to call you that... Hotohori-sama..." I was content in her arms, willing to remember our life together, willing to rememnber the sadness before her. Whatever happened to me tomorrow, my life was complete with her. "So much has changed, hasn't it?"

She nodded slowly. "It has... so much... but I wouldn't trade it for anything."

I laughed quietly. "Change isn't bad, my love..." I pulled away from her, opening my eyes, studying her silently.

She looked down at me, seeming as if she was memorizing my features, silent as well. Was she really so worried?

My voice was low. "Do you remember the first time I kissed you?"

She nodded. "Of course." Her lips curved in a slight smile. "We were both so nervous..."

I smirked a little. "You've gotten better, at least..." I paused a moment. "Are you still nervous?"

She looked at me, a little confused. "With you? No..."

I kept my voice quiet, but gave it a tone like a child demanding. "Then why aren't you kissing me?"   
  


I was sure that it was no darker that night than any others, but despite this certainty I felt more than lost in the blackness. The stars offered very little relief, shining instead as mocking beacons. The stars which we represented... I pressed a hand to the side of my neck, rubbing at the area of skin where my symbol was located. I should have been asleep, I was exhausted in every way one could possibly be tired. My body ached from childbirth, my eyes were sore from the crying of useless tears, my mind was so surrounded by turmoil it nearly screamed for escape.

All around me life played itself out in every imaginable way possible. Not far away, in the room outside of which I stood, slept my newborn daughter. Akira lay in the peaceful blissful sleep of unknowning childhood. Further away within the palace, the what remained of the only people I had ever called friends were perhaps sleeping, perhaps dreading tomorrow or perhaps simply saying goodbye. Somewhere else, my husband would also be making his goodbyes. I sighed and looked away from the blaring stars, furious at them for still shining. Beyond the walls of the palace, war and death waited in the form of the army of Kutou, waited beneath the same shining stars, waited for the morning to begin the imminent battle.

With these morbid thoughts plaguing me, I stepped inside my bedroom, adjacent that of my daughter, drawing my robe tightly about me, but the chills I sought to ward off plagued me still. Sitting heavily on the edge of the bed, I shut my eyes and sent a brief prayer to the gods, unsure what good the action would do even as the whispered words left my lips. The sun would surely be up soon, and I had not yet slept. I sighed, knowing that what little sleep I might get would not be much help in anycase. Sighing darkly, I lay down across the bed, pulling the blanket close about myself and shut my eyes.

That was when it happened, a sudden violent wrenching and then nothing... the nameless something that had always been inhabiting the background of my being   
was gone. My seishi powers were gone. My eyes snapped open, I stared into the dark in disbelief, hopelessness. From the black night sky, the stars still shone in futile mocking brilliance over the sleepless world below.   
  


I crept into her room as stealthily as I could. I was almost afraid, too awed. A child... our child. Amazing.

I reached the small cradle in which she lay. My finger, of its own will, reached out and touched her tiny, perfect cheek. "Akira-chan..." I breathed, trying to let reality enter me. I was still in my night clothes, not having donned the armor I was to wear to battle.

She wasn't beautiful, I thought ruefully, but she would be. Babies are usually not attractive. I smiled gently as her eyelids fluttered in sleep. Violet eyes...

"Akira-chan..." I whispered to her tiny form, "Akira-chan... it's your father..." I shut my eyes, squeezing back tears, knowing that this was the only time I could ever tell her that truth. "I just want you to know... some things about me..."

Even if she didn't remember, even if no one ever remembered, I would have told her... that was what was important.

I forced my eyes open, taking my free hand and wiping away the tears. "I love you so much... and I love your mother... and if anything happens to me today, you have to take care of her... I know you can do it." I paused a moment to steady myself. I would be fine. No one would die today. Somehow, some way, we would be able to do this.

I knew I was lying to myself. I heard Akira sigh softly in her sleep.

"You'll grow up to be the best empress ever," I heard myself telling her, "to rule with kindness and gentleness... your mother will teach you and you'll be amazing, an empress good to the people..." My voice was shaking. I was willing it to stop to no avail. "If I die," I continued after a moment, "if I die, then you'll never have known me. So... I'll tell you now..."

There was no sign she could hear me. If I died today, no matter what I told her now would be forgotten. Maybe as a ghost I could see her, but...

"I was born eighteen years ago, nearly nineteen now... to a kind family who made and sold cloth. We weren't poor, certainly, but we weren't rich." I paused, taking a deep breath. "Rokou is my older brother- your uncle now, I suppose- and he's a bit older than me. And when I was a year old, my little sister was born. Her name was Kourin." I leaned my head down so that my cheek was resting on the side of the cradle, my arm draped over it. "She was my best friend... we grew up together, slept in the same room for the longest time... she was my life..." I swallowed, feeling the tears build in my throat again. I took another shuddering breath, controlling myself. "And when I was ten years old, she called out my name and died right in front of my eyes. She was trampled to death by a horse." I clenched my eyes shut, willing the tears back, forcing them away. "When she died, I felt something leave me, something so precious that I decided I needed to capture it forever... and I tried."

I stopped, my breath ragged in my throat. How do you tell your child that you gave up your manhood to become a woman for someone else? That you brought shame to your family? That when your mother and father's frustration and pain became too much to bear that they sent you away?

My voice was shaking. "I started to wear her clothes... her makeup... sleeping in her bed and only answering to the name Kourin... my parents let me at first, praying it was part of the healing process... but after a few days, they started to hit me, to take her clothes off me." I paused, remembering it. I had hated it. "I was so stubborn. I wasn't going to lose her. So when they realized that I wasn't going to stop, they sent me to live with my grandmother, telling her I was Kourin." I had loved my grandmother desperately. She had never tried to change me. "She died when I was sixteen. After that, I went to live with my aunt and uncle." I smiled slightly. "My aunt turned out to be a snow demon, but that's another story... let's leave it at that you were not born into a normal family, my darling." I shifted my weight slightly, peeking in to gaze at her sleeping form. Just a day old... so tiny...

"After the truth about my aunt came out, I went to the palace... to be a court princess..." I paused a moment. "I wanted Kourin to have the best possible future she could." My face flickered. "At that point, I thought I was fully Kourin, that she was living through me, that I was her. I wanted to marry the emperor because that was the best thing a girl could do. I would give Kourin everything that I could. I never really thought what would happen if I actually did marry him, but... I hoped..." I brushed my hand across her cheek again. "Somehow everything worked out. Somehow the one I love most is my wife and you are my child." I bit my lip, my eyes suddenly no longer in my control. "My sweet, darling child... I love you so much..."

She stirred slightly, opening her eyes, gazing at me with my own eyes, though mine were streaming tears. Her mouth opened slightly, her face scrunched up, and she let out an ear-piercing wail.

Hurriedly, praying she wouldn't disturb anyone, I picked her up, cradling her in my arms, trying to make soothing sounds. The wet nurse would come soon if she wasn't quiet. I rubbed her tiny back, loving the feel of her in my arms. My baby. My little girl.

And it was possibly the last time I could hold her.

I pulled her a little tighter as her sobs died down and she slowly drifted off in my arms. I didn't want to put her down for fear that she would awaken.

But it was time. I had to get ready.

I ever-so-gently set her back down, praying for her not to awaken. She did not.

I paused a moment, watching her, and that's when I felt it.

I suddenly had no seishi powers. They were gone.   
  


It surprised me when the sun came up that morning in its usual fashion. I had not expected the world to end as I slept, but still, watching the morning begin as every other morning was something I was unprepared to see. Maybe I should have taken it as a good omen. I turned the thought over in my mind for a bit before dismissing it rather darkly. I had never been one for superstitions, I would not begin now. My fingers worked numbly at fastening the scarlet sash at my side. Finished I regarded myself in the mirror, my expression level as I beheld myself, clad in the traditional mix of clothing and scant armor that had served as simply costume for ceremonies in the past generations. Konan had not faced war since long before my time as its ruler... but now...

Sighing, I turned my attentions to my hair and away from the thoughts that would only lead me to an even darker mood. I faced losing everything I held dear today... my kingdom, my life, my friends, my child... my husband.

At the far corner of my vision, the door inched open and a familiar presence entered. I knew what I would see on his face before I turned to face him fully. He would not want me going - a fact he had brought up previously. I had agreed then, but the circumstances had changed.

Nuriko's voice was a mix of suspicion and an almost startled hesitancy. A frown creased his smooth features and colored his tone a dark shade of doubt. "Hotohori..."

I turned to glance at him, finishing tying my hair back and away from my face. My expression was one of poorly masked defiance. Well aware of the reaction my new decision would provoke, I watched him in silence.

"Hotohori... what are you doing..?" The question was tentative, and struck me as more rhetorical than anything else. He knew fully well what I was doing, I saw that in his worried violet eyes. It was not that I did not understand his concern about my going with him into battle. I understood it only too well, a perfect reflection of the feeling took shelter in my chest at the thought of Nuriko going out there.

I kept my tone level, quiet. My entire body ached with something akin to exhaustion, but at the same time completely different from anything else I had ever experienced. I credited the fact that I had given birth a few hours before as the cause of this. I knew I could get over it though, that it would not hamper me on the field of battle... surely it would pass and subside to the flow of adrenaline and pure terror that would accompany today's hostilities. "I'm getting ready to go..." The obvious stated, I settled myself back, arms folding unconsciously across my chest and waited for his response.

Nuriko took a slow breath before speaking. "I thought we had decided... that you weren't going...?"

"We had decided..." I began in much the same tone as my previous words, "that I wasn't going... while I was pregnant. That isn't an issue anymore." The rational quality in my voice surprised even me. But my reasoning was true enough... I had agreed to exclude myself from the battle because I would not risk the life of an unborn child in that way. That obstacle was gone now. Akira was born and would remain safe at the palace - as long as the palace was safe, that is. I did not venture a guess at how long that particular haven would last against the violent onslaught that already plagued the outer reaches of the city.

His body was stiff in a valiant attempt at keeping composure. Keeping a tenacious grip on a calm rational manner... and perhaps holding himself back from throttling me, he watched me with those beautiful violet eyes. "Hotohori... please."

I looked at him levelly, giving him the expression I had been taught as a child discouraged argument. It was a look I seldom employed on Nuriko, but it seemed at the moment my only recourse. My dark eyes were serious, perhaps harder than I had intended them to be. "I'm not letting you go alone... I'm not staying here, hiding, while everyone else risks their lives." And I would not do that. This was my country, my friends and loved ones, my fight.

His eyes met mine rather firmly. "You are not going."

Eyes widening slightly in faint surprise, I forced myself not to look away. Being told what and what not to do was something I was entirely unused to. My mind paused at the foreign concept. "But I have to..." The rebuttal sounded too much like a child's plea for a later bed time for my tastes.

Nuriko's voice almost deepened, solidifying in the already heavy air. "You are not going." His gaze did not move from my face; his eyes entirely devoid of any doubt.

The sheer force of his normally soft voice caught me off-guard, scattering the arguments I had prepared to the far corners of my awareness where I could not reach them. I faltered, and at the moment, lost the precarious footing I held in this debate. "I am the emperor of this country, Nuriko... I can't..." I trailed off, the words resting unsaid on my lips.

Slowly, he took a measured step towards me, his arms crossing over his chest. "You are _not_ going, and that is final." His voice was darker than I remembered ever hearing it, with a quality of certainty that made it all the more forceful. "You just had a baby and are in no shape to do anything besides rest."

Stepping back, the weight of everything suddenly fell to rest upon my shoulders. I was exhausted, physically, emotionally. I wanted to argue with him, to plead to my power of authority, of decision as the emperor, but these actions were beyond me. The Emperor of a country, and all I could manage to do was look at my husband, eyes pleading.

He struggled within himself for a moment, watching my eyes, somehow affected by the look he saw there, but at the end he simply answered me in a single, final word. "No."

Abruptly, I let my gaze drop to the floor, feeling for all I was worth, like a chastised child suddenly freed of her delusions of grandeur. I offered him a small nod, the motion barely perceptible. I would not argue anymore.

His voice softened suddenly. "I'm sorry... but you know it has to be this way... please understand..."

An apology? I stiffened at that, not looking up to him. Anger surged through me, a sudden electric feeling that permeated every part of my being and left me only feeling empty despite its overwhelming presence. It wasn't Nuriko though, who was the cause of my anger, but rather myself. "Hai..." I half whispered in response. I could not understand, nor did I see why it had to be this way aside from the fact that once again I was too weak to do anything. Useless.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, a hint of annoyance tinting the action... but it sounded as though it were directed inward, at himself, rather than targeted at me. His voice was still soft. "Will you... give me a hug before I go...?"

My head jerked up at his words, a sudden pain stabbing through me, tearing at the rather thin layer of self control I had left. My expression contorted to one of worry and I stepped over to him, enfolding him in a rather tight embrace, a certain frantic fear lying beneath the surface of the motion. He was leaving me... he could not guarantee he would come back safely. And I would not be there to watch out for him.

His arms came around me in return, hugging me back gently, carefully. "I'll be back tonight, all right? Stay here and take care of..." He paused a second, a smile coming to his face and his voice despite the darkness of the present mood. "...our daughter."

I managed a small smile in return, nodding in response. That at least I could do. Akira... She slept in the next room now, attended by a nurse. Strange how even though I had only seen her tiny face less than a day before, I had fallen madly in love with the child. How even though I knew that her future was as uncertain as mine... I still hoped... maybe beyond hope. Shaking my head, my thoughts circled back around to Nuriko... I wanted Akira to know her father. I wanted her to know what a wonderful person he had been. "Please be careful... you have to come back to me..."

He lifted himself up on tiptoe to overcome the height different between us and left a light kiss on my cheek. "I'm too jealous to let any other nice young man in your bed, my love."

I laughed quietly at that, a sound that seemed completely foreign in the heavy air of the room. Was life really so dark that laughter itself had been choked to a near-death state? Pushing away such thoughts, I turned my mind back to the one who stood before me, the one I loved more than life itself, the one I was so afraid of losing this day. "I'll be waiting for you then..."

His arms remained around me for a moment rather tightly and I did not move, content to let that moment last as long as it would. But, as moments often do, it passed and Nuriko pulled away, his eyes searching mine, a terrible determinedness about them as they studied me, seeming to memorize my features. Satisfied, he nodded once, turned and started toward the slightly open door and out into the dim light of the just-born morning. I followed closely behind him, nearly on his heels. My feet stopped at the threshold, as though by stepping out I would find myself suddenly lost in a world I did not know. His steps brought him further and further away from me and I watched, managing to keep the tears from my eyes. Wondering... But no, I stopped myself from wondering, from agonizing over the what-ifs that plagued my mind. Nuriko paused a moment and glanced back at me. "I love you."

Wanting to run after him and beg him not to go, beg him again to let me go with him, I tightened my hand on the edge of the door frame. I had seen him nearly die once... and he had spoken those words then as well, in the same tone of voice. It was a promise, a plea, and perhaps worst of all... it was a good-bye. "I love you too." I could not help but shiver, feeling a sudden cold sensation of dread form and take root in the pit of my stomach. A smile flittered across his face and he turned and walked away, his small form disappearing around the corner, out of sight in the space of a breath. And I was alone.   
  
  


Part Twenty-five

The worst thing about the battlefield was not the screams of dying men around me, nor the smell of blood and loosed bowels, nor the sight of so much carnage in one place, but the confusion. Despite wearing different colors than the army of Kutou, it was still hard to tell who was fighting me.

I was watching Tama and Tasuki hold their own, greeted by a surprise visit from Tasuki's friends from Mount Reikaku. Miaka, stupidly enough, after deciding that she was just a normal girl now, decided to join Tamahome on the battlefield, riding behind him precariously on his horse. I made sure to keep a special eye on her, just in case. Mitsukake and Chichiri had vanished somewhere, but I was sure they could take care of themselves.

I was feeling severely handicapped. After having lived my life forced to watch every ounce of strength that I possessed, I was now trying to force my small frame to be as strong as I had been and was failing miserably. I had never realized before exactly how small I really was, and now it was painfully apparent.

I had dropped my style of hand to hand combat, realizing that I would get easily killed that way, and took up a sword. I was clumsy with it, of course, because it had been ages since I had picked one up, but I was not planning on using it too often. Mostly I sat on my horse and tried to direct men to where they should fight, the stunning empress atop a white horse, and kept an eye on Miaka and Tamahome.

The news about Akira's birth had been kept quiet. We planned to announce it after the war, if any of us survived, because it really wasn't even known except in court, that the empress was "pregnant". We also had agreed that the people would need something to celebrate after this terrible war.

So far, I was uninjured. I didn't honestly expect that to last too long, but it was nice for the time being. Glancing to my right, I saw a blur of red hair dash off, slicing someone nearly in half. I shuddered. Bandits were scary, but very talented in the art of killing.

I looked back up and noticed with a soft curse under my breath that I had lost sight of Miaka and Tamahome. Spurring my horse on, I tried to catch sight of them, moving off in the direction where they had last been seen. My horse was unhappy about pushing through the teeming crowd, but I forced him with all the horsemanship I had, which was very little.

It was then that I felt it, something like a slow ripping feeling in my chest. Terrified, I urged my horse on faster and finally caught sight of them.

Miaka was disappearing.

Blue fire eerily lit up the scenery, casting off-colored shadows. I could see Seiryuu seishi, much to my dismay, and who was presumably their miko, wearing the same outfit Miaka was. She too was lit up with the blue glow. I watched from a distance, helpless, as Tamahome reached her, then blinked when all three disappeared.

Something just felt _wrong_. There was no miko, and despite my loss of power, I still had to protect her. But… how could I now?

Standing here was doing nothing helpful. I had to return to my post. Actually, I wanted very much to check on Hotohori.

I managed to lead my horse through the bodies, living and dead, without much mishap, defending myself occasionally with my sword, but in general, staying out of the way. Kounan's armies seemed to be holding their own for now, but there were more of Kutou's armies still not fighting yet.

I decided then to be irrational and check on my wife.

Turning my horse back toward the palace, I started to trot as fast as I could make him go, but suddenly I felt a tremor in my horse, and then he collapsed. I leapt and rolled away so that he would not fall on me. When I came to a stop, I discovered an arrow in his flank. His breathing was heavy, so I could only assume that it had been poisoned. Annoyed and perturbed by this, I continued on foot.

I was almost to the gate when I looked up to one of the balconies. I saw my wife looking out over the scene, holding our child, and I frowned. They could be hurt there; didn't she realize that? Suddenly they disappeared in a flash, and where they had been was only blank air.

My eyes widened and I threw open the small side door to the palace, running as fast as I could to her, praying that she had not been hurt, praying for a miracle.   
  


The conflict outside had worn on for hour upon never-ending hour. I had taken shelter in the throne room, overlooking the chaos and carnage below, my daughter lay half sleeping in an improvised cradle. If they made it past defenses, if the army of Kutou marched into our city, I would meet them here, in this palace and make what final stand I could. Akira was another matter.. I glanced at her peacefully oblivious face and smiled sadly. If it progressed to that level... I would see she got safely away from here, away from the hell that this country would surely become. As though hearing my depressing thoughts, Akira let out a rather upset cry, the noise much louder than I would have given a child her size credit for the ability to create. Stepping over to her, I lifted her gently into my arms, as carefully as I possibly could. She was so tiny, so fragile. Murmuring words that had little meaning, I stepped over to the far side of the room, clutching the child close against me. Slowly, her cires subsided and she drifted off into the type of complete sleep only a child can find. A door to the rear of the room opened. "Heika-sama.."

I turned to see Akito's familiar visage drawn with worry, his demeanor held together only by the professional calm that was a trait of his office, and his manner. "The armies are holding their own, but just barely... and Kutou has not thrown all its resources at us yet."

I nodded to that briefly, lightly fingering the blanket in which my daughter was wrapped. Staying here was beginning to frey my nerves somewhat, perhaps more than somewhat. Stepping over to the balcony, my feet making muffled sounds across the floor of the near empty room, I paused at the door, adjusting Akira to a better position in my arms.

"Heika-sama..." Akito began, frowning, "It could be dangerous out there..."

Ignoring the caution, foolishly disregarding what he said I stepped outside onto the balcony anyway, shielding my child in my arms as best I could. I only wanted a moment... to see... to find out what happened in the world I had been sequestered away from. In my tight hold, Akira whimpered quietly, and I turned my gaze down to see her large violet eyes glowing luminent in the dim afternoon. Her eyes were strangely sad, knowing, as though she understood... but that was impossible. Shaking my head, I lifted my eyes to gaze across the battle-torn land again. Nuriko... I thought perhaps against all logic that I would be able to see him... I was scared for my entire country of course, for all my friends, my miko, but a selfish voice that only whispered, but whispered constantly in every quiet moment, worried most for my husband.

My thoughts were dashed to pieces by a sudden dark shape and I was knocked to my knees, still clutching Akira protectively. Startled, I turned my eyes up and saw Akito's familiar face looking down on me, contorted with pain. He sank down to his knees and then further down, lying frighteningly motionless on the floor, the shaft of an arrow the only visible part of the weapon protruded from his neck. Shock washed over my body and I could not move. My mind screamed to move him, yell for a healer, try to do something with the wound, but the only response my useless frame could produce was to stare like a child at a nightmare and stammer out his name in disbelief. "Akito..!"

Another door opened, a large noise echoing through the chamber as it near slammed back against the wall. Nuriko burst in, his voice thick with fear as he called out my name. "Hotohori!!"   
  


I could feel my heart pounding in my ears, my breath tearing through my throat, fear making it hard to swallow. "Hotohori!!" I cried out as I shoved open the door, but then stopped dead.   
  


His voice echoed in my mind like more noise from the chaos into which my world had tumbled. Not looking up, I simply knelt on the ground, the floor cold even through my robes, clutching my daughter closely to my chest. My eyes were wide, my vision blurred by tears that were not falling as I watched the figure before me. Akito lay painfully still, his breathing rasping with a certain degree of difficulty, like a man choking, just below the surface of a lake. Despite this, his sharp eyes were clear, lucid, as perceptive as they had always been.   
  


I wanted to rush over, but I for some reason could not. Slowly, I took a few ginger steps toward my wife and the fallen figure of her surrogate father, reaching out my arms for my baby daughter, silent.   
  


Through veiled senses I half saw, half felt Nuriko beside me. The world was suddenly in slow motion, as though it were threatening to come to that final standstill. Barely noticing what I was doing, I handed the baby to him gently, placing our daughter in his arms before reaching out and taking Akito's shaking hand tightly in my own. "Akito.."   
  


I pulled my child tightly to my chest, praying she did not awaken with all the noise to the carnage before me. I slowly knelt down by the blood that seemed to be pooling around Akito, very fearful. A million things were running through my mind. Who would help guard our secret? Who would help run the country? Who would be Akira's grandfather? I wanted to cry with my frustration at my inability to do anything, but I was frozen there.   
  


A rather weak smile crossed Akito's face and he spoke, his voice softer than usual, a raspy quality in it that had never been there before. My heart still violently denied that this was happening, demanded that it was impossible. But it was true. "Daijoubu, Sai-chan... this is nothing..." His hand tightened around mine reassuringly. I simply shook my head, knowing that this was something vastly more than nothing. Words fled my mind as I tried to grasp for them... no reassurances would help here. I knew that; I understood death. In a heavy silence I watched his familiar dear face struggle to retain its composure.   
  


I had somehow managed to carve out a place in my chest where I was holding Akira, curling around her almost. "Akito-san..." Even were Mitsukake here, nothing could be done. We were not seishi anymore. We were weak, powerless.

His ancient eyes turned to look at me, blindingly clear. "I fear I won't be around to keep you in line anymore, Nuriko-sama..." My wife was clutching tightly to his hand, her eyes wide, terrified, in shock. I nodded slowly, unsure what to say. What can you relate to a man who is about to breathe his last breath? "But... we need you..." I protested feebly, though I knew we both knew that we did not. Hotohori was competent enough, certainly.

He slowly started to shake his head, but stopped suddenly, hiding a wince from the pain. "Iie... you need each other..." He gave me what could be construed as a warning look or a wince, or a cross of both. "Take care of her, Nuriko-sama... or I swear I will haunt you for the rest of your natural existence and beyond..."

I certainly did not doubt him in this.   
  


Nuriko's eyes fell on me, a worried quality lending a faint light to them. "You have my word," he answered Akito in a quiet subdued voice. Akito's face smoothed itself into a brief smile before his gaze fell on me. "Sai-chan..." The familiar pet name brought my eyes to Akito's abruptly. I turned my eyes to him, watching him closely, so scared that I was losing him. "I always loved you, Sai-chan... saw you as the daughter I never had." His words were more emotional than I had heard his voice in years; it startled me and frightened me. To be speaking like this... he must know. I pushed the thought from my mind, forcing myself to hear his words, to understand them. "I'm sorry I never said it..." He shut his eyes slowly, face drawn in exhaustion.

"Akito.." My voice was becoming frantic despite my efforts otherwise. "No, you can't die. Hold on, ne? We'll get a healer..." I trailed off again into the uncomfortable silence that clung to the room.   
  


The feeling that I was intruding on something sacred, as if I had interrupted a spiritual ceremony, was overwhelming. I think my throat was too tight to have spoken. For some reason, I still wasn't crying, more worried about Hotohori than Akito. As horrible as it sounded, he was going to die, but she would live. And she would be scarred very badly if I were not careful now.   
  


Akito's voice came again, softly, an almost whimsical air to it. I found that strange, but soon understood. "Daijoubu, ne, Saihitei... it's all right if I die... she promised she'd wait for me in the afterlife..." A faint smile touched his wizened face and I nodded, understanding immediately of whom he spoke. My mother... and he would see her again, I was sure, in the afterlife. The gods had denied him long enough, surely in death he could finally be happy... but I did not want to let him go just yet.   
  


I was a little puzzled about the convoluted meaning to this, but figured if I was to know, it would be explained to me. Akira stirred a little in my arms, as if she knew something was about to happen to her namesake. I raised my eyes to my wife.   
  


A sigh escaped his lips and his eyes shut again. I stared unbelieving as he breathed his last, slipping into death in such a quiet and passive fashion. That was not like Akito... it wasn't true. It could not possibly be true. I had always entertained the foolish notion of Akito being eternal, something that would never fade, change, die. "Akito... Akito, wake up!" I called to him futilely. "You can't... it's not true!" My words fell uselessly and I went silent, my shoulders wracked by a sudden silent sob as I realized what had happened... what had actually truly happened.   
  


I shut my eyes, holding Akira tightly, praying silently to Suzaku for anything good to happen. I was scared. If Akito could die, any of us could. If Chiriko could die... who was next? Holding my daughter still, I remained silent, not daring to look up.   
  


Tears overtook me like a sudden thunderstorm. They fell heavily and uncontrollably, and I was caught in their sudden flood, washed deep within myself and away from the still cold form in front of me and the lake of blood in which he lay. He had died for me, because of my stupidity, my selfishness. If I had listened to him... to his warning about stepping outside, he would still be alive, would still be there. Akito... My fists tightened around the fabric of my clothes, clutching desperately at the cloth. I had killed him, caused his death. My fault, again. Akito's death, Nuriko's near death, even Chiriko's death had been because Mitsukake had accompanied us. Where would it end? I wondered darkly, knowing exactly where its end would be.   
  


I remained where I was until a few minutes, an eternity, had passed. That was when I dared to speak, though it seemed sacriligious to destroy something so heartbrokenly silent, though it really was not silent. Screams of men still echoed across the battlefield, very close by outside the balcony. "Hotohori..."   
  


Almost in mechanical response, my head raised at the sound of my name. The voice that had spoken belonged to someone familiar... Nuriko. I looked at him, unable to summon any expression or to quell the steady flow of tears from my eyes.   
  


"We need to get you inside.... please..." I said worriedly. I would not let anything happen to her... at least physical I could prevent.   
  


I nodded rather numbly, arguments completely beyond my ability at that moment. But he was right, I needed to get inside, away from here... where only danger and death prowled. A faint thought buzzed in the back of my mind, saying it was also better to get Akira and Nuriko inside. I was inclined to agree with that as well.   
  


I stood up and nearly pulled her inside at that, our daughter still lodged gently in my arms. I made a motion to a rather distraught-looking servant to deal with the body as best as he could for now. "Please, Hotohori... you need to sit..." She had given birth yesterday and I knew that a lot of women got very depressed after the birth of their babies, but never knew why. If their fathers died the day after, it very well might do that.   
  


I sat down trying to fight the dim veil of shock that had settled over my body, that obscured my thinking and my motions. My tears had already stopped flowing, run dry for the moment. There would be a time for tears later, perhaps. Staring off into the distance I listened to the sounds of death that invaded the quiet of the throneroom. The battle was not over yet... I shouldn't have been here.   
  


I wondered vaguely if I were using Akira as a shield for the impending rush of emotions I predicted. I wanted to go over and hug her, to do _something_, but there seemed to be an unseen barrier between us still. Her eyes slowly raised to me, and I could not name the emotion that I found in them. I was frightened., but I met her eyes. "Hotohori, are you going to be-"   
  


"I'll be fine.." I kept his gaze for a minute before dropping my eyes, solidifying my decision before I looked back up to him. My eyes hardened and locked with his. "I am going out there. People are dying for me out there, and now Akito..." My voice faltered a bit over the name, the vision of his death only a moment ago so fresh in my memory. I doubted it would ever fade entirely, the vision of him lying, bleeding and slowly slipping away from me. "...here. I will not sit back and watch anymore."   
  


I tried to interrupt. "But, Hotohori-" I started to protest.   
  


My voice was quiet but defiant, a tone that defied protest, a tone I had been taught by a man who had just died for me. "There will be no arguments this time." I hated doing that to Nuriko, but I would not be held back again while others faced death for me.   
  


I blinked, thrown. She had never spoken to me like that. My usual dexterity with words was ripped from my lips. "Well, I..." I stammered, "if you..." I stopped, my ability to speak leaving me altogether.   
  


I watched him closely for a moment to be sure all traces of an argument had been quelled for the time being and then nodded at his silence. Starting for the door, I paused briefly, unable to look back at him. "Find someone to watch Akira... if things get bad." My voice softened sadly, and I wondered if this would be the last time I saw my daughter or my husband. We did not stand a chance in this war; I understood that, but we... I... would die fighting. "Have them take her from here..." My tone dropped even quieter. "If you can, go with her..." Perhaps they could both escape... to Sairo or Hokkan... a small hope, but a hope never the less.   
  


I watched her a moment, silent, but then discovered where my voice had been hiding. "I'm going with you," I said softly. It wouldn't do to have her go alone. I needed to protect her.   
  


Turning at his words, I regarded him over my shoulder for a moment, studying his slight form that was already engrained into my memory. I should have told him I loved him, hugged him, said something, anything, but I didn't. I simply nodded once and walked from the room, leaving him and our child staring after me.   
  


Akira whimpered quietly as her mother exited the room, and I felt my heart make the same noise in unison.   
  


The air smelled stale, heavy with the scent of smoke and blood and quickly shattered lives. Exhaustion was quick to settle itself upon my shoulders as I rode from the apparent safety of the palace and into the battle that raged all around. The horse's hoof beats took me further and further away from my family and my home both physically as well as on a deeper level. I was being pulled far away from everyone I cared for, perhaps irrevocably, traversing a void I would never be able to cross again.

The voices and faces of all those I had already lost played through my mind in clear visions, memories that would not be pushed aside. Their deaths were my fault. I understood that, accepted it and hated myself for it. I had hidden behind walls, behind people, and had allowed those I cared about, those who were better than I to suffer and die in my place. But that was over. Shutting my eyes against a sudden threat of tears, I urged the horse I sat on forward. I hadn't even said goodbye to Nuriko; I had not kissed Akira. These thoughts were a sudden sting, a sharpened dagger that made delicate patterned incisions in my flesh. There were very few doubts in my mind that I would die this day. The thought of death did not seem frighten me; the fact that I was so apathetic about the concept did.

Akito had died before my eyes, because of me, protecting me. The closest thing to a father I had ever had, more so than my real father could ever have hoped to be, and I had lost him because of my selfish foolish actions. Wind whipped up suddenly, playing with the ends of my hair, tied back as best it would stay at the nape of my neck as I turned my gaze inward. My seishi powers were gone. My country was breathing its last breaths and struggling to stay afloat in a sea of conquest that would surely drown it. I was no longer anything I had been before. The cloak of seishi and emperor I in which I had clothed myself had been torn from my shoulders and I was left exposed and open. All I was was a woman.

The carnage about me seemed to diffuse throughout my entire body, burning the corpse of hope completely before my eyes. My sword lay in my hand, used only at times to deflect what seemed to be half-hearted attacks, as though not designed to take me down, but rather direct my path. Disliking the notion of that, I narrowed my eyes and looked ahead, over the torn surroundings and saw my destination. Blond hair billowed in the wind from beneath the signature helmet and armor of a general of Kutou. The shogun of Kutou. I nodded briefly to myself. It seemed my end was already dictated, but I would do what damage I could before the breath was ripped from my lungs. My mind drifted briefly to a familiar face. Nuriko... I whispered his name, the sound halfway between a prayer and an apology and I spurred my horse forward.   
  


The door shut behind her, leaving me alone with my daughter. There was one thing I was determined not to do, and that would be let my wife fight alone. She was blind by pain and fury, and would be careless.

An idea lit in my mind and I burst out the door with my little baby in my arms. My footsteps barely hit the ground as I dashed to my destination. Nearly throwing open the door, breathing a little heavily, Akira starting to fuss, I almost smashed into her. "Houki-san!"

She blinked. Before she had time to react, I basically threw Akira at her. "Take care of my baby please! If we are overrun, flee with her." I think she caught the desperation in my voice, for she nodded briefly at me, meeting my eyes.

"Thank you." I paused for a moment to study my sister-in-law with my child. If I died... she could pass as the empress... I banished that thought from my mind, smiled at her again, and made my way to the battlefield once more.

My brother was overseeing armor repair. He had worked not only with cloth, but also with leather. Occasionally I could catch his voice over the din of the conflict, and that would make me smile.

Disdaining the use of a horse, I just ran out into the fray. I would catch her faster this way, I thought.

I could see the red feather in her helmet marking her as the emperor and headed toward that, as I suddenly felt a jolt.

Mitsukake...

I froze, unable to move, my entire being focusing on the loss of the one member of our party that could save a life without losing another. He was... dead... I had not seen him to say goodbye... I could feel the rest of us still living too, in that moment, Chichiri's agony, the shock and disbelief everyone else emoted. Mitsukake, the man who had saved my wife and child, and my own life, and... then nothing...

Mitsukake was dead.

We were in a terrible state of affairs. Tamahome and Miaka were no longer in this world, Chiriko and Mitsukake were dead, Tasuki, Hotohori, and I were fighting without our powers, and Chichiri was trying to help save people in Mitsukake's stead.

"AHOU!" I heard yelled at me, and suddenly I was on the ground, a man on top of me drenched in sweat and blood, feeling something swish by my ear and hearing the thunk of a sword in the ground in front of me.

There was a clash of swords, a scream, then rough hands pulled me up. Dark eyes peered into mine. "Damn you, the empress has to be more careful."

A little shakily, I tried to stand on my own. "Thank you... Kouji..."

He eyed me worriedly a moment. "What happened...?"

I looked up at him, a little surprised at his question. "Mitsukake... just..."

"Shit!!" he growled. "I need to get out there." He nodded to me and seemed to throw himself back into the fray.

Taking a deep breath, I followed, but headed instead for the lonely red plume the wavered in the sky nervously, like bird who couldn't fly trying outrun a snake.

I pushed my way through the crowd of people as best I could, but it was taking too long, forever, to get to her.   
  


Blue eyes regarded me with a chilled gaze that sent a prolonged shiver down my spine and I found myself face to face with the shougun of Kutou, the Seiryuu shichiseishi Nakago. Silence seemed to envelop the two of us despite the commotion that raged about us on the battlefield that the surrounding lands had become. Levelly I regarded him, waiting for what I knew was the inevitable. I clung tightly to my sword, my knuckles white as they clutched the hilt, my entire body tense with the sudden flood of unreasonable adrenaline. I did not stand a chance against this man. Not only did he have the size advantage, but he was a shichiseishi with full capacity for his powers. Frowning at this, I set my jaw and mentally chided myself. Doubts would do me no good at this point in time. I understood what I had come out here for.

A slight smirk crossed his face as he watched me, as though he derived some sort of twisted amusement from the entire situation, as though the blood and carnage around him were some private joke only he knew the punchline too. In Nakago's arms lay draped a lifeless body. That puzzled my briefly, but I did not allow myself to dwell on the fact. "Konan's young emperor decides to join the battle instead of hiding in the palace..." His voice was impossibly deep, resonating in the pit of my stomach, I brought my sword up some, preparing. "Honorable, but foolish." The smirk remained unflinching on his face as he raised his hand, an electric feeling permeating the air as he gathered what I knew to be his ki.

Angrily I held up my sword knowing what little use it would be. Indifferently, Nakago simply let his power fly and I watched dumbly for a moment as it hurtled towards me before better judgement took control of my actions and reigned in my horse sharply. The animal skittered backwards as best it could but lost its footing and went down in tangled heap, dragging me with it. A sound like a laugh came through the heavy air as I managed to pulls myself away from the frightened animal without getting trampled. On my feet now before the taller blond on horseback I held up my useless sword in futile challenge. His expression remained level as he readied another blast. Perhaps that would have been my last moment in this world, my thoughts flew to all directions: things I had done, things I hadn't yet been able to, voices I would never hear again, but I kept my feet, unflinching.

"Shit, this doesn't look like a fair fight!" an all too familiar voice chimed in colorfully and a fire-colored blur suddenly burst into the misbalanced duel and I found myself staring at the fan-wielding bandit. Steel flashed in his hands and I frowned to myself. The sword didn't seem to be Tasuki's choice of weapons. This thought was brushed aside a moment later when he launched himself at Nakago, sword bearing down on the blond shougun.

"Tasuki!" I shouted, trying to warn him back, away from the flaring blue ki blast that was sure to come. And come it did, striking down the bandit mid-motion like some demonic lightning. Tasuki's body stiffened and fell unmoving as I simply watched in horror. Scenes flashed through my mind in a flurry of motion. The bandit's lack of tact at times, his warped but ready sense of humor. Maybe not the most orthodox among us, Tasuki had been an asset, a teammate and more. He had been a friend; and now he lay dying at my feet. Another... another dying while I still stood, alive, helpless, useless.

Nakago's smirk had increased barely perceptibly as I looked up to him. Sword still raised I began towards him, the anger that had been smoldering inside me now flaring in a blaze from which the demons hell themselves would have hid. Nakago simply turned his icy blue gaze on me and offered me a dark smile and a shake of his head. "No... I think I'll leave you alive to view the rest of this. I have other plans." His voice was dark, as cold as his eyes. "Your country was just a distraction... a means to an end. Most of the army of Kutou is now here, so I can attack the country without resistance, take it with minimal effort."

I stopped short suddenly, my eyes widening at this. His true plans were to take over his own country? Kounan was simply a distraction. Dumbfounded I simply stared at him, disbelieving that the death and pain around us was nothing more than an elaborate ploy to draw attention away from his true objective. Elaborate indeed. I clenched my fists at my side; elaborate enough to draw the blood of those I held dear. "That's..."

He cut me off. "The way things are. I hope you stay alive through this. I know your secret, Emperor of Kounan... know what you really are. Remember that.." Smirking still, he reigned his horse and galloped away, leaving me staring after him in shock. He knew.

But that was the least of my worries. A few feet away from me, Tasuki lay motionless save for the shallow rising and falling of his chest in a feeble attempt at breath.   
  


"Tasuki!!" My voice was almost frantic as I burst into the scene, throwing myself beside my fallen friend. Gingerly, I moved him so that he was leaning on my arms, sitting up very slightly. "Tasuki... baka..." Gods... he was going to die... I felt tears well up in my eyes suddenly.

His dark eyes gave me a fading twinkle, attempting a grin. "Don't tell me you're gonna get... all emotional on me now..."

Hotohori was standing just beside us, her hand still clutching the hilt of her sword, her face a blank mask. I wanted to run to her and comfort her, but if Tasuki was going to die now... I would not waste my last chance to talk to him.

"Gods... Tasuki... you idiot..." I couldn't help it. I started to cry full out, everything suddenly hitting me at once, as if I had been thrown off a horse and was just now landing. "Just... just hang on, all right? We can get you back to the palace..." I knew my words were as empty as he did. No one at the palace could fix this. "Just hold on..."

Tasuki shook his head slightly in my arms. "Gomen na, Nuriko... I'm going to die... I can feel it." I could not recall ever hearing his voice that soft. "I don't want to die inside a palace walls... it's not my home. Out here..." His voice trailed off as his eyes turned to the trees. Hotohori was frozen, unable to do anything but watch.

I had the urge to shake him, to bring him to his sense, to let him know that he wouldn't die, that he couldn't die, because I would not allow it. "Damn you!! You're not going to die! What will Kouji think??" It was hard enough to see his battered face, never mind talk to him. Tears made so much difficult. Kouji had just saved my life... and I couldn't save his best friend's? What good was I? "Tasuki... I'm sorry for everything..."

"Kouji'll think that I'm being too dramatic..." He tried to laugh, but broke it off abruptly, wincing. "Na... Nuriko, don't be sorry... no reason to." He paused a moment. "We're friends, na...?" He turned his eyes up to Hotohori, then refocused on my damp face.

I regretted everything at that moment, that I hadn't spent more time with him, with Chiriko, with Mitsukake, with Akito, with Tamahome's family, with everyone that I had ever cared about and then had let vanish before my eyes. "Of course..." I struggled out. I looked up at Hotohori, begging her wordlessly to come to us.

Tasuki had always been the fire of our group, the humor, the man and the little boy at the same time. He was every emotion as radical as it could be. He was intrinsic to the way we viewed ourselves as a group. And he was noticeably fading in my arms. Hotohori stepped over to us, her face still the same mask, though uncertainty trailed in a bit around the edges. "Aa... good. Shit, I'm glad."

I seized his shoulders, but it was over. His body had gone limp in my arms, and that same tearing feeling I had suffered when Chiriko and Mitsukake had died came upon me again. "Tasuki... Oi..." My eyes were wide. "Tasuki!!"

It was over.

Almost mechanically, I let go of his body, laying him gently on the ground. My voice was soft. "Thank you..."   
  


I watched the scene before me in stunned silence, any tears I might have shed lay somewhere beyond my grasp, left behind as I ran the twisted road that had brought me to this point. Still watching Tasuki's lifeless body, Nuriko finished a thought softly, his voice a whisper on a field where only screams and cries pf anguish reigned. "...because you saved my wife." His eyes did not rise to look at me, but rather wandered briefly from our fallen comrade to the battlefield where the army of Kutou was slowly falling back, not beaten, simply withdrawing by choice. Unable to bring myself to watch Nuriko or Tasuki anymore, I turned my gaze to my surroundings, my eyes taking in the surrounding damage, the twisting feeling in my stomach intensifying.

Nuriko rose to his feet, the motion sudden, unexpected. Stepping around the prone form that had once been the fiery bandit, he found his way over to me, wrapping me in a tight embrace, his hands stained a pale shade of red in spots by Tasuki's blood. I stiffened at his touch, suddenly irrationally angry at him for trying to touch me. I could not bring myself to quell these feelings, or to return the embrace as I should have, as I wanted to. All I could do was stand there unmoving, frightened into anger at the contact. The wall I had hastily constructed between myself and the flood of grief and emotions that threatened to drown me was too fragile for me to test its strength in that way. "Gods, love.." His voice was thick. "What are we going to do?" Still motionless I did not answer. He did not notice, distracted understandably by the grief he was feeling. "Gods," he continued. "It's too much at once..." He breathed once, slowly, deeply in attempts to steady himself. "Sorry... just..."

A voice in my mind screamed for me to say something to comfort him, to throw my arms about his slender frame in return, but its cries went unheeded and I simply pushed away instead. Nuriko was the largest part of the section of my heart that I could not bear to feel right now. Cruelly, I did not even offer an apology. He blinked, looking at me with wide, tear-stained violet eyes. He did not understand; I saw that. I did not blame him.   
  
"It was my fault again..." I said quietly.

He blinked again, confusing showing clearly on his tear-lined face. "Hotohori... what.."

I cut him off, not letting him finish the question, my words gaining momentum and conviction as I spoke, growing stronger with each admission of guilt. "Everything! Akito, Chiriko, Tasuki..." I paused. "You would have been another name on my list if it hadn't been for Mitsukake. It's my fault everyone has died." I paused, looking at him directly. "And I'm still here... alive."

He looked taken aback, caught off-guard and without anything to refute my words. He couldn't. "Hotohori... don't be silly.." His breath was shaking, his attempts at calming it falling short of their goal.

My eyes grew dark as I held his gaze levelly. "It's not silly. It's true." Conviction was nearly tangible in my tone.

His wide-eyes flickered shut, blinking yet again, surprise echoing from their depths. "No, it's not. We're all seishi. If we die, then we die, but it's for our miko and the country."

I cast my eyes around. "What country? It's destroyed. Gone. And our miko is back in her world. There is _nothing_ here anymore!" I was angry at him for trying to create excuses for something I had already taken responsibility before, belittling what I was saying. And yet, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew he was not.

Nuriko brushed himself off a bit, falling into silence as he tugged off his armor. Dropped from his hand it fell into a small heap by his feet. Carefully, his fingers worked at untangling his hair and letting it fly free. The wind passed by, playing with the ends of his hair, scattering it about his slight shoulders. He looked, for all the world, like a lost girl in the midst of a terrible chaos, as though some cruel force had dropped him here, a lost angel amidst a violent, bloody hell. "It's not gone. It's still here, thought a bit scarred right now... Miaka may be in her own world, but that doesn't mean our duties are over." He tried to meet my eyes, his own searching for something that I could not at that moment give him. "And you're here..."

"I shouldn't be here," I answered heatedly. "I should have died back there or before then or now. Miaka is gone, our powers are gone, my country is gone beyond hope of recovery and I couldn't even manage to die fighting for it!" I finished dropping into a silence that screamed louder than my words.   
  


What was this madness? Was she possessed by something when Nakago had killed Tasuki? My eyes were dark. "What would your death accomplish? A country even more lost? A future more gloomy?"

"A better accomplishment that what my life will accomplish." She took a step toward me, straightening up to her full height, looming over me like a god. "When are you going to come back to reality? You can't get further lost than this and my life is insignificant except that it costs the lives of other people for me to keep it!"

I think there are two times that I wanted to die the most in my life. The first was when I was cradling Kourin in my arms when I was ten, her blood spilling around me like a crimson fountain, staining me, screaming at her to wake up, to wake up, to come back to me. The second was this, standing in a field drenched with blood, dead and dying men, and having the one I loved most in my life furiously tell me that she wanted to die.

My voice was quiet, forceful. "You're right. It doesn't matter who you are." My eyes, I could feel, were as intense as my voice. "But you just happen to be the emperor, like it or not. And _you_ are responsible for this country, like it or not. _You_ are the hope for these people, the strong leader they need. If you had ever been one of the people, maybe you would realize this!" I barely knew what I was saying, feeling blinded and helpless. My fists were clenched tightly, my fingernails cutting into my palms.   
  


His words stung sharply, inflicting pain through the defenses I had built. The only person I had ever thought did understand me, the one I thought saw me as human, as more than the robes of my office denounced that very belief before my eyes. Coldly, trying to mask the hurt I felt, I answered. "I never was one of them, never will be! I can't help that! So maybe I can't understand them... you. But don't think you can understand me either!"

"We're busy dying for you... you can at least have the decency to live for us." His eyes, usually so full of feeling, reflected nothing but the battlefield.

My eyes narrowed not looking away from his. "I _have_ lived for you!" For him especially, but for the people of the kingdom, for my mother, my father, the son my mother did not give birth to whose shoes I was made to fill. My entire existence, I had been living someone else's life. "Since the moment I was born my life has never been about anyone but the people! I never asked for anyone to die for me. I don't deserve it. I don't want it." I looked back at him, the sword that had been so tightly clutched in my fingers slipping from my grasp and clattering to the ground in a ringing noise that echoed through the din of the world around us.

Narrowing his eyes, he spoke, his voice even darker than his gaze. "You don't have a choice."

His words struck again and I felt myself slipping back into a familiar routine, of detaching myself from the world. "Perhaps I don't," I ventured, quieting my tone, realizing that I had been half-yelling. Anger would do no good here. Anger was something human. As the emperor Nuriko was so right in telling me I had to be I was something other than that. Untouchable, inhuman. Perhaps it would be best this way, easiest for everyone.   
  


I was a little surprised by this. Was she giving in or reverting back to the stoic emperor who needed no one, not even me? "I'm sorry..." I looked away, pressing a hand to my forehead. I felt hot, damp, feverish.

Perhaps because her voice was still so quiet that it stung that much more. "I don't need apologies."

My eyes jerked back to her, and my breath caught in my throat. Her eyes met mine squarely, her face as calm as if she were drinking tea. "You said it yourself. My life is to live for the people. That's fine. I'll live for them. I have no other choice."

I took a step back away from her, unsure what to say. All I really wanted in that moment was to collapse from the hotness spreading over my body that I knew was hurt and anger, to cry, or to run away. "I..." Abruptly, I looked away. No one dares speak back to the emperor.

She watched me silently still, her face seeming so cold to me that had just loved me so dearly. Without her, I would die. The coldness, this silence, was a wall through which no one could pass, save perhaps Akito, but that was moot.

I had to search to find my voice. "I... I'll take care of his body..." I gestured rather helplessly toward Tasuki, careful to keep my eyes away from her, then slowly turning and kneeling. I tried to pull Tasuki into my arms, but without my seishi strength, it was seeming a little futile.

I could feel her eyes on me a moment, then heard footsteps behind me as she stepped over, wordlessly assisting me.

It was then that something inside me just broke. I honestly tried to stop it, but the wear of the day's worries combined with the argument, combined with death all around me, made it impossible. I just burst into tears.   
  


I stopped, lowering the bandit's body carefully back down to the ground and turning my eyes up to look at Nuriko. The tears that fell so freely from his eyes stabbed at a part of me I was still trying to keep at bay. "Nuriko..." I spoke his name quietly, a bit unsure what I would say to him. Could I offer him the comfort he needed? I was not sure it was within my power to do that, and yet... I needed to.

He pressed his hands to his eyes, almost in vain, trying somehow to stop the flood of tears, but this flood would not be stopped. His breathing was somewhat ragged, the sound carrying further than I would have thought possible. Off to the side, some distance off a soldier whose face was not one I could recall ever encountering scoffed a bit haughtily. "That's why they don't allow women on the battlefield."

A new wave of anger flowed over me suddenly and I straightened up to my full height and cast the man a dark look, daring him to argue with me. This soldier had struck a very discordant note within me for more than one reason. "That _woman_-" I spoke the word deliberately- "has fought with more courage and dedication than a thousand men like you ever could. Have respect for someone who still has the capacity to mourn. It's rare." Tentatively, I placed a hand on Nuriko's shoulder, almost afraid to touch him, scared of what the sudden contact with the one I loved would do to me. Nuriko's buried his face in his hands, trying to cover the sound of his tears. His small frame shook in something not unlike fear, terror, perhaps at the sudden loss of control he felt. I could understand that.

The soldier who had been the target of my rebuke looked shocked that he had been noticed. He blinked a moment before dashing away, back to anonymity he had come from.

Hesitantly, still scared to be so close to him, to anyone, I wrapped my arms about him loosely, ignoring the irrational fear. The voice that had never ceased its gentle whispering in my thoughts grew louder, reminding me who it was I held sobbing in my arms.   
  


Her familiar scent, faint though it was through her armor, just made me cry harder. I clung to her like a child, sobbing into her shoulder, sure that I was making a fool out of myself. I was trying to say something to her, but it wasn't coming out of my mouth right.

She gently tightened her arms around me a bit more, and I was scared that she would someday let go. But I did finally manage to get it out. "I'm... sorry..." I wasn't sure how intelligible I was, but I tried.

I could feel her shake her head. "No... please don't be..."

I proceeded, heedless of this. "... so sorry..." I just clutched to her. "I just..."

She slipped a hand to my back, rubbing it lightly, trying to comfort me. "It's all right..."

But it wasn't all right. "I didn't... mean..." I felt so completely ashamed of myself, knowing that I should be the strong one right now, knowing she lost the man who was her father, knowing that I had succumbed to these tears. I pulled away slightly from her, desperately trying to choke the sobs back in my throat.   
  


Quietly, I looked at him for a moment, an aching feeling centering itself within my chest "Nuriko..." I ventured his name again, my voice barely above a whisper. He kept his violet gaze down away from mine, not meeting my eyes; his thoughts seemed concentrated on calming his disobedient and ragged breathing. Unable to watch him struggle anymore, knowing I had only made things more difficult for him, I dropped my eyes as well. "Please..."

Through unsteady breaths he managed a reply. "...yes..?"

I wasn't quite sure yet what I really meant, what the words I wanted to say where. All I really wanted at that moment was to dissolve into tears as well, let them cleanse my eyes of everything they had seen: the death, the destruction, the pain. "Just..." was all I could manage to say, the only word that worked its way across my lips.

Slowly, the motion seeming to last an eternity, he turned his tear-darkened eyes to me silent. I found myself looking back into that violet gaze, struggling with myself for the words I needed to say. "Don't apologize.." My voice dropped even quieter, the words not easy to say. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I am..."

Suddenly, his arms around, his soft voice whispering shakily but firmly into my ear. "Don't... don't.."

Thrown off by this, I simply blinked for a moment. "Nuriko..?"

His arms tightened around me, simply held me. "Don't... if you want to, you can cry... just... don't... please..."

I did not understand what he was saying the words simply conveying emotion in my mind rather than meaning, but I shook my head slightly, knowing that tears were still not an option. "I can't cry now..."   
  


I nodded once before burying my face in her shoulder again, feeling rather like a heel. "We... should take him... back..." My voice was more than a little muffled.

She nodded. "Yes... we should..."

Slowly, ever so slowly, I pulled away, not meeting her eyes, but I stood and took hold of Tasuki's arms, waiting for her to grab his legs. I thought with sudden sorrow that he would have laughed at this procedure.

She stepped over to where I had assumed she would and lifted. It was awkward, but in this fashion, we made it back to the palace, mourning with the rest of the city.   
  


The day had faded into night, the darkness obscuring the destruction that covered the lands as far as eyes could see. I had washed away the blood and dirt and death from the day. My hair hung damply about my shoulders, falling in dark contrast against the pale white of the loose white nightshirt I wore. A light knock on the door drew my eyes up. "Hai..?"

Quiet, barely audible through the still-closed door, Nuriko's voice came. "It's me.."

My gaze fell immediately to my hands, staring at them blankly, still ashamed of how I had acted towards him earlier, how quickly I had been willing to forsake everything... "Come in.." I answered after a moment.

The door slid open with a soft sound followed by Nuriko's light footsteps into the room. "How are you doing?" He too was clean and bathed, his hair falling loose about his shoulders. In that moment, as though he had just stepped out from a picture from some ancient tale, he looked for all the world like a sprightly maiden.

"I'm fine," I answered quietly, unsure if that were entirely true. Concern colored my voice as I spoke my next question. "Are you all right..?"

His frown was faint, but it was not to directed at me. "I've been better... but mostly I'm really, really awful, honestly." He looked up at me, giving me a tiny smile and I was struck suddenly by breaking feeling somewhere inside of me. Through the deaths and battle that had torn apart so much, Nuriko was still alive... I was still alive... Akira was safe as well. "All things considered," he continued, "I have nothing to complain about."

I nodded briefly at that, retreating to sit on the edge of my bed. My eyes strayed to watching my feet again, studying the floor they rested upon.

He more or less plopped himself down on the bed in something more akin to his usual style, right beside me. "Have I ever told you I love you?"

All at once I turned my eyes over to him, studying his face curiously. A certain cold awkwardness still lodged in the pit of my stomach, a remnant from earlier, from the behaviour I wish I had never done. "Yes..." I replied quietly. "several times I'm sure..." I trailed off into silence.

Another faint smile fleeted across his face. "Well, I lied."

I blinked, quite unsure how to take that. Lied..? "Oh..."

Promptly, before my mind had any time to reason his words out, he continued, voice stronger. "I absolutely love and adore you with all of my being."

I felt my eyes widen at that and something inside me crumbled. Whatever still stood of the protective wall of disassociation I had cowered behind was knocked aside suddenly. I nearly threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. I wanted to apologize for acting as I had, for not being there when he had needed it, for acting so foolish, but the words did not come and I simply clung to him in silence.

His hand came up to stroke my hair gently. "This is why I can't complain... I have you, I have our daughter... if I have you two, nothing in the world can stop me." He pressed a kiss on the top of my head through my hair.

Still clinging to him, to the sudden haven of safety I had found in his arms, I whispered an answer. "I'm so sorry... the way I was acting... I didn't think..." And I hadn't thought. Chaos had rushed around me, pulled me along with it and I had not even bothered to fight it. Maybe that chaos still waited somewhere outside the door, but it didn't matter at this moment. Somehow things would work out; they had to.

Still smoothing my hair back, he shook his head. "I should have reacted better... I should have known. But it's all right now..." Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if it was. My stronger inclination was, however, to simply believe him. "We're both here, we're both fine. Houki-san watched Akira with no problems so everyone is all right..."

Nodding quietly, I shut my eyes. A soft quiet music began as Nuriko started humming softly, his hand still playing soothingly through my hair. I remained leaned against him, my arms still draped around him. Tears, something I was sure I was not capable of earlier slipped soundlessly from my eyes; I did not try to stop them or even consciously acknowledge them. Nuriko shifted me slightly so that I was laying on my stomach, his light touch still soothingly tracing through my hair. His song shifted somewhat, becoming words rather than just a lyricless melody. Unwilling to argue I shut my eyes and listened. Sleeps gentle hands came swiftly, pulling me into a dreamless slumber, away from the nightmare of the real world.   
  


My fists were tight as I gazed down at Tasuki's prone figure. He had been younger than I was. I was waiting for Hotohori to arrive, silent, despairing.

She stepped into the room with relative silence, her footfalls seeming to be drowned out by the silence of the somber atmosphere. She lingered for a moment by the doorway.

I did not turn to her, but moved forward a bit and knelt down, pressing my forehead to the ground in front of the bed on which Tasuki was laying. I paused there a moment, a million things going through my head, but feeling muffled. I stood slowly and moved to Mitsukake's bed, repeating my performance, then slowly rose and left my eyes on the floor.

Hotohori walked slowly toward the bandit, pausing for a moment as she stood over him, gazing at him. Her lips moved in what looked like a silent prayer, and then she finished with a soft apology. Her next movement led her over to Mitsukake where she seemed to pray over him as well.

Chichiri walked into the room, nodding at both of us, then proceeded toward our fallen companions, praying over them.

I raised my eyes to her slowly. "Are you all right?"

Her voice was quiet. "Is that a fair question...?" Her eyes met mine hesistantly. "I'm fine..."

I blinked, a little puzzled, trying to determine whether I should feel hurt or not. "All right... Akira's with Houki again...?" I didn't wait for an answer. "What did he say to you?"

She looked puzzled. "Say to me...?"

"The blond man, their seishi." I frowned slightly. "Before I got there."

Her eyes darkened suddenly, but she dropped her gaze. "That we were a distraction... that my kingdom was no more than a step in his revenge. That he knew my secret. Knew who I really was..." Her voice trailed off.

I nodded slowly. "That makes sense."

She didn't look up. "Yes..."

I kept my voice soft, though I think even had I shouted, the vaccuum of the air would have dissolved my words. "Looking back on it now, it was really just a plot to get to Seiryuu no Miko, wasn't it?" I smiled painfully at Tasuki and Mitsukake's still forms. "We were just steps to that."

She nodded. "We were pawns."

I suddenly felt the urge to punch a wall, to destroy something, to make someone or something pay for the injustice done to those I loved, but I realized that not only was it futile to help them, but it would only hurt me as well. My seishi powers were gone. And why should I take my anger out on the palace, a structure already abused enough by the war? "He will die." I looked back up at Hotohori, my eyes darkly serious. I was surprised by the force in my voice, and it almost frightened me how much I actually wanted this person to die. It did not matter whether it was by my hand or another's... but it had to be soon.

She took a step back, realizing everything I was feeling by my voice, but nodded again. "Yes... he will." Her hands tightened.

"Hotohori!! Nuriko!! Chichiri!! Can you hear me?"

I blinked and Chichiri glanced around, startled out of his prayers by the sudden voice. Hotohori had a look of utter disbelief on her face. "Who...?"

"I'm Miaka's older brother!! She needs you! You have to come to her world!!" The voice was disembodied, but extremely urgent.

Hotohori was frowning beside me. "Her world... how...?" I was wondering the same thing myself.

The voice did not have a reply for a moment, but then seemed to find an answer. "Just come! Concentrate on her!! She's going to die!!"

I seized her hand, and looked at Chichiri. "Come, we have to." Something inside told me that this voice was not lying. That same thing inside me... told me that Miaka was about to...

Hotohori nodded, determination flashing across her pale face. "Yes."

In that moment, the world slowly began to melt around me, and all I could feel was her hand, and all I could see was shades of hazy red and gold, Suzaku, and-   
  


The spinning mass of colors and sensations that was my world suddenly slowed and solidified into a barrage of images, visions of things that were foreign to my eyes. As my awareness returned, I also found myself becoming cognizant of a hand gripped tightly within mind. I turned my eyes to the owner of that familiar hand. Nuriko stood, trying to regain his balance, caught in something of a dizzy state as the world solidified beneath his feet as well. "H-Hotohori?"

"Nuriko..." I answered, catching sight of Chichiri standing just further down. The older man looked a bit more collected than I could bring myself to feel, but I was not given time to dwell at that as my eyes caught sight of another familiar figure.

"Miaka-chan!" Chichiri's voice broke through the stillness and his gaze flew to the looming figure that stood in a dark silence not far from the fallen figure of our miko.

Nuriko's gaze strayed towards the sky only to see the serpentine form of Seiryuu filling the stormy skies. His violet eyes were dark as they caught sight of Miaka. "Kisama..." The word burst from his lips in a quiet explosion.

The imposing blond seiryuu seishi smiled briefly, but the expression melted off his face as Nuriko began to run towards him.

Unsure how wise Nuriko's spontaneous drive at the seiryuu seishi was, I never the less took this as my cue to check on the fallen priestess. "Miaka..!" Chichiri half followed me, seating himself in between the two different scenes, taking up position, his back to Miaka and me, watching Nakago intently.

Miaka's faint but audible voice that assailed my ears. Nuriko froze mid-attack and glanced back, almost disbelieving at the words that fell softly from the miko's lips. The summoning spell.

"Impossible.." The seiryuu seishi murmured quietly, a tinge of annoyance coloring his voice   
.   
My eyes widened a bit at the recognition of what Miaka was doing and a grim smile found its way across my face. Turning my eyes towards the tall blond man, I couldn't help but feel a certain sense of pleasure that he was at least perturbed by this. Perhaps this was something he hadn't foreseen in his sadistic scheming. Perhaps things weren't working out entirely to his design. Perhaps he was not ready for his insignificant pawns to still fight back.

Slowly, Miaka rose to her feet, the tone of her voice rising as well in volume and strength. The chanted words rang out through the grim air. Nuriko stared, and Nakago spoke, his words in contest with the incantation Miaka spoke. " That girl... at that time... this was her wish.." His face was implacable as always.

Chichiri observed all this in judicious silence. My sword drawn, I instinctively drifted to a place between the blond man and my miko. A slow rush of something akin to hope flowed through me, over me, mixing with the sudden simultaneous flood of adrenaline. It was not over yet.

Miaka finished the chant and threw her hand up in the air. In the skies above that strange world, Suzaku suddenly appeared and began contesting the already present dragon god.

Nakago looked a bit perturbed, but I was not allowed much time to ponder his expression.

"My... my powers..." Nuriko began quietly and flexed an arm slightly. His expression faded to a glare directed at the blond seiryuu seishi and he began once again to run at him.

In tense silence, I watched my husband charge the rival seishi. To my side, Chichiri turned his gaze to the actions in the sky as our powers returned to us.

"Kaijin!" Miaka's voice rang out once again. Nuriko froze mid action yet again, blinking in confusion. Nakago folded his arms across his chest as Nuriko began backing away from him, back towards Miaka, unsure of what was going on.

My own eyes flickered back to the miko, almost questioningly, though I expected no answer to my query from her. "Miaka.."

Chichiri nodded in silent approval, and watched her, as though waiting for what he knew would come next.

Whatever may have come next was cut short as the blond shogun aimed a beam of his flaring blue ki at a building, and aiming the sliced off portion directly at Miaka.

Uselessly, I called out to her, hoping to warn her. I could not do anything, frozen by a sudden sense of indecision and helplessness. I was too far away... A sudden motion caught my attention as a figure dashed suddenly towards Miaka, really no more than a familiar flame and dark colored blur. He swept up the target Miko and breezed and swept her out of the path of the falling structure and to relative safety.   
  


I blinked. I blinked again. No, there certainly wasn't something in my eye. The person that Miaka was clutching onto...

"Maa...you are just a magnet for trouble in general, aren't you?" Tasuki said, grinning at her, his fangs peeking out.

Hotohori near me was staring in blatant disbelief. Chichiri managed to gather his wits before any of us. "Tasuki-kun!" he exclaimed, as surprised as the rest of us.

"T-Tasuki...?" She was clutching him tightly, shock clearly etched upon her wide green eyes.

He turned his eyes back to Miaka, grinning at her now. "Aa... who else, na?"

It was then, a little too late, that I saw Nakago aim a ki blast at the two of them.

Yet suddenly Hotohori was there, her sword drawn, and she deflected it from them, her dark eyes blazing defiance.

Miaka turned her towards her. "Chiriko... Mitsukake...!!"

I blinked yet again, because I was somehow standing close to Chiriko who seemed to have just appeared. Fumbling for intelligent thought, I blurted out what came first to my mind. "Chiriko... how have you been...?"

He gave me an adorable grin. "Not good... I've been dead."

Mitsukake nodded at all of us, almost smiling. Hotohori looked bewildered, but was keeping her eyes more on Nakago than our returned comrades. Chichiri was smiling fully at everyone, somewhere in all this having lost his mask, so the smile was actually his own   
.   
"Now, Suzaku no Miko... are you finally ready to fight me?"

I glanced around. Everyone was silent, but Miaka, her clothing tattered and she herself bleeding, stepped forward.

"All the people I love are... except Tamahome and Yui... whom you killed... so... so... I won't give up! I definitely will not give up!! Kaijin!!" Her voice was firm, determined, and left no room for failure.

"NAKAGO!!!" a voice suddenly rang through the fire around us. A fist flashed out and punched at Nakago. The blond man looked a little surprised, but caught it easily.

"Tamahome!!" Miaka cried out, and I could see her straining against running toward him.

Helplessly, we could do nothing but watch them fight for a bit, but it was clear that Tamahome was on the losing side of this battle.

Hotohori recognized this too. "Everyone! We have to lend him our power!"

Chichiri quietly handed Miaka his staff. "We'll focus using this. Concentrate on him."

Eyes shut, our little group must have looked ridiculous, I thought. But I had to focus on Tama, to lend him my strength. After a moment, I peeked open one eye to see if we were making a difference. And Nakago was still winning.

Chiriko had noticed too. "Seiryuu... we have to seal Seiryuu... we can use the scroll Taiitsu-kun gave me." His voice was serious and worried as he looked up to Miaka. "But you're still weak from calling Suzaku last time."   
"Give it to me." Miaka's voice was so determined that it almost did not sound like her own.

Chiriko paused, still unsure.

"Give it to me!!"

Silently, he handed it to her.

Her wish still unspoken from earlier when she had summoned the god, she now fulfilled her destiny as miko. "Suzaku... seal Seiryuu in this scroll!!"

Nakago seemed to freeze for a moment as his eyes moved from his opponent to Miaka. "What...?"

Tamahome seemed to become a phoenix for a moment, resurrected from death, and then punched straight through Nakago's chest, who did not even make a move to stop him.

It was as if time froze for a minute, Tamahome and Nakago locked in a hideous lovers' embrace, close enough to kiss, so intimately entwined that Tamahome was actually inside him, that Nakago had let him. Silence.

Then words broke the stillness. "Don't... look inside my mind without permission, bastard. To think... I've been beaten by the likes of you." With that final parting blessing, he seemed to shimmer away until noting remained of where he had been.

"It's... finished," Tamahome whispered, glancing around just in time to have Miaka throw her arms around him.

"Tamahome!!" She was crying and laughing and just holding him, happy and terrified. I knew how she felt.

"Finished?" Hotohori whispered softly near me. Her eyes were lingering over the circle of us, half living, half dead, and she fell into silence. Tasuki was watching Tamahome and Miaka, and crossed his arms, smirking slightly.

Somehow Taiitsu-kun appeared and it turned out that our fallen comrades had been borrowing the bodies of Nyan-nyan. It seemed all extremely unreal. I felt as though I was standing there watching, though I was arguing with everyone else what her last wish should be. It was ending... my time as a seishi... adventures... and now...

Our good-byes were not teary for the most part, because I'm sure we all wanted to spare Miaka, who we also knew was going to have to leave Tamahome. It was her whispered "kaijin" that caught my attention more than anything else had that day.

She wanted everything to go back to normal.

The scene before my eyes was glossing into a red and gold, as it had before. I reached over and took Hotohori's hand, watching Miaka smile at all of us, her eyes saying farewell better than her words ever could. I smiled back at her, hoping she could see me, praying that everything would work out for the girl I loved dearly.

I caught my balance rather quickly as we arrived back in the palace. Hotohori solidified before me, and Chichiri across the room. It was silent for a moment, but then the monk gave us a tiny smile and vanished out of the room.

I glanced up to her. "It /is/ over..." I gave her a small smile.

She returned it. "Over..."

Suddenly I was hugging her tightly, silent, thanking Suzaku for everything, praying that Miaka would find the same happiness, praying for my friends, that they would be happy too.

She blinked a moment, and then wrapped her arms around me tightly, caught between laughing and crying.

I smiled slightly. Our lives were finally our own.   
  
  


Return to [Tokyo Tower][2]. 

   [1]: mailto:HitomiGaea@aol.com
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



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